Did you know that kids can affect your romantic relationships? If I have learned anything it’s that I am not ready for a romantic relationship. At least not until things with my kids settle down. I’ve had so much said about me that is so painful and shocking. But when it’s turned on a man in my life it makes him leave. To protect himself. To protect his kids. And I’m again alone without any allies. Who has my back? Nobody wants to get involved to have my back. And the one person that was easy in my life is gone.
I’m not interested in finding anyone else right now. I’m especially not interested in finding the type of person my ex has found. One that wants revenge and to hurt people and doesn’t care who they take down in the process (including children). But I do want someone that has my back and can be strong for me. Because right now I am finding it really hard to be strong through most of this.
I’ve got this. I know I can do it alone. Is it wrong that I don’t want to? Is it wrong that I want unconditional love? Is it wrong that I sometimes need someone to lean on?
But holy shit can it get any worse? I keep thinking there is no way it can get worse and then more bullshit gets dropped on me.
I’m fully aware that my blog sometimes hurts people. And that isn’t my intention. I am also fully aware that people think I do it to get sympathy and to play the victim. Honestly it’s my therapy. It’s my way of trying to make sense of where in the hell I went wrong. I’m not saying I can’t see my past mistakes. I can. And some of them were big mistakes. But I can’t see what I did to deserve everything that’s happening to me. I have literally lost everything.
And legally, that’s exhausting! And expensive! I don’t make much and the attorney bills are piling up. But what else do I do? Give up on my kids? Stop fighting for my kids? Seriously what do I do? I’m pretty sure the attorney will stop doing things for me soon since I owe him so much money. So I will lose anyway.
The man that I thought would never do all of this stuff to me won’t stop. He won’t leave me alone. He calls people that have nothing to do with his life and are part of my life only to make my life even harder. Why can’t he just leave me alone? He wins. I have lost the only man that I feel has ever loved me deeply because of all the bullshit. I have lost any stability I ever had. I have lost my children. The girls that slept in my bed until they were 5, 10, and 8. The ones I worked so hard to conceive (except Aly, she was easy).
And oh my gosh Aly. That kid could fit into the smallest area just to be close to me. My sister used to call her my hemorrhoid because she was always stuck to me. The one that I had to pull out of preschool because she didn’t want to leave me.
I carried them all for nine months. I gave birth to them all. I nursed them all. I’ve literally lost everything.
