Please make sure to grab your popcorn and snuggle up in front of the fire to have a good laugh as I know that there are some out there that love to use my blog as a way to find further reasons to intimidate and ridicule me. By the way it says a lot more about you than it does about me.
I have some wonderful memories with my kids and my ex-husband. We really did a lot together throughout the girls' childhoods. We made a lot of really good memories. A very good portion of those memories are in pictures. I wanted to not forget a single moment of my girls' lives. I wanted to remember everything. My grandma had dementia and I was so worried I would some day forget my own children.
I know my girls have a lot of the same memories that I have but they are different. Their memories are painted a lot by the pictures I took. In those pictures they are achieving great things. In those pictures they are experiencing as much as I had in my capacity to give them to experience. Every moment revolved around my family. Every event documented had to do with their lives. We don't have any pictures of my achievements after getting married but we have pictures of every single one of theirs (that are still around after the fire anyway).
Here's the problem, because of those pictures it looks like I wasn't involved. They had a dad that had to be front and center almost all of the time and therefore when the camera came out so did he. He wasn't usually there in between but because the pictures show him there they feel like he must have always been there. I was there in between and during and after. I was always there. But I am rarely in any of the pictures. Nobody ever thought to grab the camera and take a picture of me with the girls while I was driving them on a four-wheeler (although I took several of their father driving them) or swinging them on a swing or singing to them at night. So I honesltyn think they forgot I was there. I didn't make myself the center of attention the way their dad did and instead I revolved everything around them. They can look at all those pictures and say, "look how involved my dad was, but mom where was mom." Because my pictures backfired. Yes dad was there but who took all the pictures? I did! I was there too. I was there for even the pictures between when your dad was working or watching tv. I was behind the camera then too. But you know I wanted those pictures of the girls with him because I wanted to document the times he was present. But who documented the times I was present? Well again I guess I did, from behind the camera.
I was even there in between all of the pictures. I was there painting sets for a play until passed midnight, and no we don't have pictures of that. I would wait for play practice to be over with two small kids, and it wasn't easy, away from home because home wasn't close. I was there for all the parent teacher conferences. I was there for all of the potty training, and sure I may have some pictures of that from behind the camera. I was the one behind your dad showing up to any of your school plays or concerts, generally with a very angry phone call right before telling him he better be there. But no pictures of that. I was the one that cared about grades and success in school. I was the one that gave you religion. That was between pictures. And I was always there.
I know a lot of you out there, at least according to my ex and his new bride, think I use this blog for sympathy. That couldn't be further from the truth. I use this blog as a way to remind myself that I am not at all what they are saying about me. I have been beaten down for two years by them and even sometimes my own kids and I am probably at the lowest point I have ever been with my self esteem. I am constantly told how awful and wrong I am. How horrible of a mother and a wife I have been. How I am not good enough. And I really do let it get to me daily. So this blog, even though I let you deter me for a while, is my defense against depression and anxiety. It's my defense against self-loathing. Because, even if for but a minute, I am able to remind myself that I really was a good mother. I admit I wasn't the best wife. I also need to remind myself that it wasn't all my fault that my marriage was a cesspool of mistakes. There was mental and emotional abuse from day one on his part. I was constantly ridiculed and told I was not good enough. I didn't have sex enough. I didn't submit enough. And I was not respected and it is my fault that I let him teach my children that they didn't need to respect me. It's no wonder they use the same ammunition. I allowed it. I allowed him to make me feel like I wasn't pretty enough and that what I did didn't matter the way everything he did mattered. I was a mom after all and he brought home the bacon. I was always inferior to him and I allowed it for 23 years. I take a lot of blame for allowing him to allow everyone to belittle me and for allowing him to belittle me to my kids. He still does and on a much higher level now.
So I remember for fleeting moments that I am a good person. That I am a good mother. That, although not perfect, I was a good wife. I also know that I was 100% in an abusive marriage. Every time I would defend myself he would tell everyone I was crazy. I learned I had to submit because I was so endlessly belittled. And I allowed my children to watch it. I should have gotten out so much earlier but I had let him convince me I was worthless and needed him.
But even though I was not always in the pictures, I was always there girls. Before, during, and after every single picture. The stories I tell you aren't centered around me but they are centered around your accomplishments and funny things you have done growing up. But I was there. I documented all of it. I watched all of it. I bragged about all of it. I know you remember I just wish you would acknowledge it.
For a taste of the picture that I took and the memories and achievements documented, please go to the following link:
https://crazyteels.blogspot.com/
