Sophia

Here's a story that doesn't exactly make me look good but here it is anyway.   Sophie is not Jerame's child.  I think most people know that.  I don't hide that fact.  But maybe a little less known is her story.

Jerame and I weren't in a good place.  Our marriage was struggling. Like now, the main reason is because of the lack of maintenance on both sides.  It takes two.  I felt lonely.  He always worked late. He never wanted to go out with me.  For years Mother's Day wasn't anything big.  When I would get upset he would tell me mater-of-factly that I wasn't his mother. This may be another reason my kids have little respect for me.  They were never taught to appreciate their mother by their father. I know I wasn't great at showing appreciation either but I do feel like I showed more than he did. Anyway, I got some attention from someone else.  It felt so good to be noticed and appreciated even though looking back now it sure wasn't what I thought it was at the time.  I had an affair.  This man was a married man and every part of me knew it was wrong.  But I felt loved again.  That's something I wasn't getting at home.  This affair went on for a while, while Jerame and I were going through our first divorce.  Some of it Jerame and I were living together and some of it we weren't.  It was wrong and there is never an excuse for an affair.  But there are reasons that it happened whether or not they are good reasons.  I have regretted this for so long.  I tore my family apart that time.  It's one of the reasons I believe Lacey has such hard feelings for me still. 

Anyway the month our divorce was final, July 2013, I ended up pregnant.  I grew up in a very Mormon home and I was so panicked.  I was sure everyone would disown me...my family, my friends.  I called my sister Traci when I found out.  But Traci wasn't the one that answered her phone.  She was out at my parent's house and my dad was the one that answered her phone.  Terrified of his response I told him I was pregnant and it wasn't Jerame's baby.  You know what?  He still loved me.  He told me that he was there for me and the baby and that he loved me.  I cried.  My parents have always had my back.

But how would I tell my kids?  Lacey was already very angry with me for the affair and the divorce.  I didn't tell them at first.  The first thing I did was try to repair a friendship with Jerame so there would be less tension in our family and for my pregnancy.  I went to his house one night and he was folding clothes.  I sat on his bed and told him we needed to figure out how to be friends for our kids' sake. He looked me right in the eye and asked me what was wrong.  I had been acting strange he said.  I told him I was fine.  Then, still looking me in the eye he said, "are you pregnant?" He's always been the one to know me inside and out.  He just knew.  I started crying and he held me...for a long time.

For the next couple weeks every time I would get upset about something he was there.  I would call him up and he would say he was on his way.  He watched movies with me.  He let me cry.  This is what had been missing in our marriage.  Our friendship.  But it was back. And it felt good.  I felt closer to him than I had in years.  In January of 2014 Jerame decided to move back home.  The kids were rightfully worried because they didn't want to go through a divorce again.  Jerame told me honestly when he moved in that when the baby was born he may not stay.  It was hard for him that this baby wasn't his baby.  He wasn't there for all of the appointments or every time I needed an IV.  It was understandably a hard situation for him.  But he was there for me.  He didn't like or want to feel her move inside me.  But I understood.

Then it was time to tell my kids.  I had them all gather in the living room, Lacey would only stand by the kitchen sink because she knew something was up. I was terrified.  Lacey and I were already not in a great place.  It had been getting better but now I was going to ruin it.  I was pregnant, out of wedlock.  I had raised my kids Mormon too so it wouldn't be a great thing to them.  Finally I told the girls I was having a baby.  Emma got excited but then realized everyone else was a little more serious.  I was focused on Lacey.  That's where my fear was.  She looked right at me and said, "That's ok mom.  Everyone makes mistakes.  We will get through this together." I started crying.  This amazing young woman deserved more credit than I gave her.  All of the sudden Emma said, "Aly why are you crying?"  I had been so focused on Lacey that I didn't even realize Aly, who was sitting on my lap, was in tears.  She replied to Emma, "I wanted to be the baby forever!"  Ok I could handle that.  Later that night I called Jerame and told him I was worried Lacey was holding her anger in.  He came and picked her up and took her for a drive.  He asked her how she was feeling about the baby.  She told him that she knew that she and I had been having a rough time lately but that she needed to fix it because I really needed her.  She was 14.

The day, a Monday, Sophie was born I had gone to the doctor telling him I wanted induced because my daughter was being baptized that weekend and I didn't want to miss it.  I still had 12 days until I was due.  Because I had gestational diabetes there was a chance that Sophie's lungs weren't developed all the way so my doctor told me we had to do an amniocentesis to make sure her lungs were developed enough. So let me tell you...that scared the crap out of me! Who wants a giant needle being stuck into their stomach?  But dang it I wanted the kid out! I was down in radiology and I was sweating! Light headed! The doctor came in and did the numbing shots and I will tell you I was worked up for nothing.  That was the worst part.  Once the big needle went in I couldn't even feel it! So ladies if you ever have to get one don't freak out like I did! It was easy!

Well her lungs were developed enough and my doctor said he would induce the next morning but he wanted to try a cervical balloon.  What's that? Here you go if you want to know https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322956.php.  Anyway it took my doctor quite a while to insert it, 45 minutes maybe?  He said it may put me into labor that night and if it did to come back in when the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart.  Lacey and my mom had been waiting in the waiting room for me.

We got in the car and I started driving us home. Before I even hit the freeway I was having contractions.  I looked down and the gas tank was almost empty.  I had planned on stopping to get gas on the way home but with the contractions I just wanted to get home.  So I made a mental note to ask Jerame to go get gas when I got home.  Then Lacey could tell I was holding my breath or something because she asked if I was having contractions.  I told her I was.  Lucky for me she had her permit so she made me pull over and let her drive us home.

We got home and Jerame and my dad were out fixing a fence in the backyard.  I laid down and continued to have contractions.  They were hard and close together.  But I had two babies that took days to be born and I kept being sent home.  Jerame and my parents were timing my contractions.  they we re about 2 minutes apart.  Finally at about midnight Jerame said we should go in anyway just to check.  I agreed and got up to go to the bathroom first.  As I stood up I felt a rush of fluid. Hey I think my water broke.  this was good because I knew that going into the hospital they wouldn't send me home if my water broke.  I went in the bathroom to clean up before we left.  Now it gets graphic so beware.  I pulled down my pants and all I saw was blood. A LOT of blood. I screamed for Jerame and he came running to the bathroom.  He screamed, "What is hanging out between your legs?" Ok so I had totally forgotten the cervical balloon.  The tubes dangle out of your baby exit so that the balloon can be either filled or emptied, and of course they're also covered in blood.  I'm screaming at Jerame not to worry about it and that I was worried about the blood.  He wa screaming asking if he should pull on it.  It would have been quite comedic if it hadn't been for the fact that I knew blood in labor wasn't a good sign.

Well now we're in a rush! I have never had to rush to the hospital before so this was new to me.  We head down the hall to the car and pass my mom, who was supposed to go to the hospital with us, headed the other way to the bathroom.  We get to the garage and Jerame asks where my mom was and I told him I think she went to the bathroom.  It's funny because we both thought we were loud enough that she knew we were in a hurry! Maybe we weren't?  SO my dad runs down the hall and knocks on the bathroom door to tell my mom we are about to leave without her.  She comes out of the bathroom and hurries to the garage.  Jerame, Mom, Lacey and I are headed to the hospital.  My dad is staying behind to wake the other two girls up and take them to the hospital.

So we all get in the car and start backin gout and Jerame looks down at the gas gage and says, "Who was going to tell me we are out of gas?"  It was so low it wouldn't even register.  Well we left anyway and hoped we'd get all the way to the hospital knowing that if we didn't my dad was right behind us.  We made it though! We got to the hospital and went to labor and delivery.  I told the nurse I was bleeding a lot.  She checked me and I was 4 centimeters.  I got settled. I wasn't going to be sent home this time!  Then a little while later a doctor came in to check me and as soon as he pulled back the covers and saw all the blood he looked worried.  the nurse whispered to him, loud enough that I could hear, that I had been bleeding since I came in.  So obviously I realize this could be a problem. Nobody said anything to me about why I was bleeding and it never did cause any problems.  So I guess it must have been the cervical balloon. 

One of my most prideful moments as a mother came when I told Lacey, during labor, to do drugs.  I did elaborate not to do the ones that aren't in a hospital.

There was one problem though, Sophie was turned sideways so she wouldn't drop down into the birth canal.  My doctor kept coming in and saying he thought I would have had her by now. Well then he used me as a learning experience and taught a medical student how to turn a baby.  Lacey later told me that she was amazed to see three arms up to the elbow inside me.  Although she did lean over to me after Sophie was born and ask me if that went back to normal or if it stayed that way.  Jerame was nice enough to tell her that if it didn't go back there'd only be one kid.  Sophie was being stubborn and not wanting to turn.  I heard the nurse asking if the doctor she needed to get things ready for a C-section.  He told her not yet.  Finally, after quite a bit of trying, they were able to get Sophie to turn and minutes after that she was born.  My mom, Lacey, Emma, and Jerame were all in the room when this moment happened.  Jerame wasn't by my side like he had been with the others but he was in the room watching.  My dad brought Aly in to meet Sophia.  Aly took one look at her and said, "I'm already in love with her." So that problem was fixed!

Later that day I was holding Sophie but had to go to the bathroom. I went to hand her to Jerame and said, "Go see...." and paused because I didn't know what she should call him.  He took her from me and said, "Dad...I'm just dad."  And he was from that moment on. He didn't leave after she was born.  With all the custody crap we went through he was by my side.  At least he made me think he was.  At least I thought we were better. Sophie brought us all back together in the strangest way.  She saved our family.

The sad part in this whole story is that Sophie is the one that loses the most.   Because of his manipulation of my children, I won't allow him to have Sophie over night or for any period of time at all without me present. I don't want her around the people he has in his life, especially his girlfriend that would stop at nothing to turn my kids against me. I will not put Sophie in that situation and he refuses to make any sacrifices to be able to have her in his life. He chose his new life over Sophie. Of course he blames me for it. It kills me. He doesn't even try calling her or seeing her (which he could do with me present but refuses). Lacey also doesn't call Sophie or try to see her at all. These two very important people in her life have left her. Because I am part of Sophie's package everyone has decided she isn't worth having to see or talk to me.  Her other two sisters are at their dad's house half of the time so she has actually lost a lot of them too. She loses. More than me. More than Jerame. More than her sisters. She loses. It kills me.  She didn't ask for the situation she was born into nor the one she is living right now.  I put her in both situations and for that I am so sorry to her.

Trying to Make Sense

I’m the bad guy. The one that has always been there for my kids. Yep I’m the bad guy. I’m not supposed to have emotion. I can’t punish my kids. I’m not allowed to talk to my kids. I’m not allowed to have feelings.

I was the one that volunteered in classrooms. I was the one that signed them up for every activity they ever did. I was the one that potty trained them. Took them to every doctor’s appointment. Every dentist appointment. To the orthodontist. To the eye doctor.  I planned every birthday party and trust me I never did small. I planned every vacation. I volunteered at the place Lacey did theater because she loved it and we couldn’t pay for it.

When Lacey won her way to London for cheer I was the one that made it happen. Yes there was a lot of bugging Jerame for money to pay for it. Same with Emma and the American Heritage Tour. I’m the one that found a tutor when Emma and Aly we’re struggling with math. I check their grades and keep track of missing assignments. I was the one that hurt when my kids hurt because someone was mean to them at school. Probably more than they hurt. I was the one Lacey cried to when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.

Bonfires when Lacey was a teenager, I’m the one that supervised while Jerame sat his ass on the couch watching TV. Like he ALWAYS did! Even when we had company. I did the entertaining. On weekends I would always say "let’s go do something" and he would always say he didn’t want to and...yep...sit in front of the TV.

Love of scary movies...Lacey got that from me. Love of history, every one of my kids got it from me.  Love of reading...me! Parent teacher conferences...me. Midnight movies...me. Backyard camp outs...me.

So why then is everyone on their dad’s side? One reason is because I have emotions. I was upset when he left me for another woman and I definitely showed my feelings. So he tells them I’m crazy for having feelings.  I admit I have lost my temper and displayed my emotions too many times in front of the kids.  I am at fault for that. What people, and especially my kids, don't see is what caused the situation to happen in the first place.  It's usually his arrogance and superiority complex.  I have asked this mam to sit down with me and have a real discussion since he left me.  He refuses.  I feel like I deserve an explanation.  I feel like I deserve the chance to voice my opinion and have it matter.  So when he dismisses me like I was never anything to him at all with his "goodbye Kelli" or hanging up on me I feel like my feelings have been knocked down once again. Like I don't matter.  Maybe I never really did to him.  So yes all of these emotions (anger, fear, hurt) all collide.  I have been much better about letting him hurt me and showing it in the last few months.

Lacey has told me that she doesn't want to be in the middle of the divorce.  Why then is she in the middle?  She is telling her sisters bad things about me to influence their feelings for me.  I actually considered getting a restraining order against her for the girls until this divorce is final. She has so blatantly taken her dad's side that she is trying to hurt my relationship with all of my children.  She texts them that she doesn't like me.  Plans meeting with them behind my back.  She has bad-mouthed me with her father, sometimes in front of my other kids, all while telling me she doesn't want to hear what I have to say because she doesn't want to be in the middle.Treats me awful in front of them.  The part that hurts the most is the work she is doing for her dad. For instance she has hacked into my Facebook account and opened all of my private messages, taken pictures, and sent those pictures to her father to be used against me (btw I'm not worried about anything in them). She has encouraged the girls to track my phone and even taught them how to do it.  She has told her father not to talk to me when I'm hurting.

The worst is that she has written a letter for him to use in Court stating how awful of a mother I was.  A few years ago when I was working full time she told me how sad she was for Emma and Aly because they won't get the great childhood she had because I was working.  When I saw this letter, I was devastated, defeated.  It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I have done nothing but be a mom for 20 years.  And I have been a good mom.  I know I have! I texted her to remind her of all of the things I have done for her.  Her reply was that she didn't forget any of the things I did good she just didn't put them in the letter because she wanted me to get "help".  Her dad has convinced her she is helping me by writing this letter.  The ridiculous part is that when she wrote it I had already been in therapy for a while.  Her letter was unnecessary.  But she still wrote it. He has convinced her that he wants to help me.  All of his court filings and paper work and comments and actions show much differently.

That brings me to my other theory why I believe my kids are taking his side.  First, Lacey has always been a daddy's girl.  I have always been the disciplinarian.  Partly because he worked all hours of the day 7 days a week.  Partly because when he was home he couldn't be torn from the TV.  Jerame was an amazing dad to Lacey.  He was so involved with her.  He would have been fine with having only her.  So yes they are close.  Although I thought Lacey and I were close too.  Once Emma and then Aly came he was much less involved.  He was home even less. And when he was home he rarely interacted with the kids except to tell them to be quiet or go in another room because he was watching tv. When Sophie came, I think he was set on everyone knowing he was an amazing person for being her father even though she wasn't his that he over-did it for Sophie.  Lacey and Emma didn't get along when Lacey lived at home.  Lacey was close to Aly but Emma always got left out.  These very impressionable girls, Emma and Aly, are thrilled to be getting attention from their older sister and their father.  I have always been there.  When they hurt I am there to comfort.  When they need help I am there to help. When they get mad at me I am always right there when they need me anyway no matter what they say to hurt me. I can't say the same for their father.  He was always too busy. So now that they have his attention and Lacey's they love the way that feels.  Who wouldn't? So it's easy, knowing I will never go away, to be hurtful to me in order to keep the attention of their sister and father.  It breaks my heart.  But they're right, I will always be here waiting for them.  Even Lacey.