I’m the bad guy. The one that has always been there for my kids. Yep I’m the bad guy. I’m not supposed to have emotion. I can’t punish my kids. I’m not allowed to talk to my kids. I’m not allowed to have feelings.
I was the one that volunteered in classrooms. I was the one that signed them up for every activity they ever did. I was the one that potty trained them. Took them to every doctor’s appointment. Every dentist appointment. To the orthodontist. To the eye doctor. I planned every birthday party and trust me I never did small. I planned every vacation. I volunteered at the place Lacey did theater because she loved it and we couldn’t pay for it.
When Lacey won her way to London for cheer I was the one that made it happen. Yes there was a lot of bugging Jerame for money to pay for it. Same with Emma and the American Heritage Tour. I’m the one that found a tutor when Emma and Aly we’re struggling with math. I check their grades and keep track of missing assignments. I was the one that hurt when my kids hurt because someone was mean to them at school. Probably more than they hurt. I was the one Lacey cried to when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.
Bonfires when Lacey was a teenager, I’m the one that supervised while Jerame sat his ass on the couch watching TV. Like he ALWAYS did! Even when we had company. I did the entertaining. On weekends I would always say "let’s go do something" and he would always say he didn’t want to and...yep...sit in front of the TV.
Love of scary movies...Lacey got that from me. Love of history, every one of my kids got it from me. Love of reading...me! Parent teacher conferences...me. Midnight movies...me. Backyard camp outs...me.
So why then is everyone on their dad’s side? One reason is because I have emotions. I was upset when he left me for another woman and I definitely showed my feelings. So he tells them I’m crazy for having feelings. I admit I have lost my temper and displayed my emotions too many times in front of the kids. I am at fault for that. What people, and especially my kids, don't see is what caused the situation to happen in the first place. It's usually his arrogance and superiority complex. I have asked this mam to sit down with me and have a real discussion since he left me. He refuses. I feel like I deserve an explanation. I feel like I deserve the chance to voice my opinion and have it matter. So when he dismisses me like I was never anything to him at all with his "goodbye Kelli" or hanging up on me I feel like my feelings have been knocked down once again. Like I don't matter. Maybe I never really did to him. So yes all of these emotions (anger, fear, hurt) all collide. I have been much better about letting him hurt me and showing it in the last few months.
Lacey has told me that she doesn't want to be in the middle of the divorce. Why then is she in the middle? She is telling her sisters bad things about me to influence their feelings for me. I actually considered getting a restraining order against her for the girls until this divorce is final. She has so blatantly taken her dad's side that she is trying to hurt my relationship with all of my children. She texts them that she doesn't like me. Plans meeting with them behind my back. She has bad-mouthed me with her father, sometimes in front of my other kids, all while telling me she doesn't want to hear what I have to say because she doesn't want to be in the middle.Treats me awful in front of them. The part that hurts the most is the work she is doing for her dad. For instance she has hacked into my Facebook account and opened all of my private messages, taken pictures, and sent those pictures to her father to be used against me (btw I'm not worried about anything in them). She has encouraged the girls to track my phone and even taught them how to do it. She has told her father not to talk to me when I'm hurting.
The worst is that she has written a letter for him to use in Court stating how awful of a mother I was. A few years ago when I was working full time she told me how sad she was for Emma and Aly because they won't get the great childhood she had because I was working. When I saw this letter, I was devastated, defeated. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I have done nothing but be a mom for 20 years. And I have been a good mom. I know I have! I texted her to remind her of all of the things I have done for her. Her reply was that she didn't forget any of the things I did good she just didn't put them in the letter because she wanted me to get "help". Her dad has convinced her she is helping me by writing this letter. The ridiculous part is that when she wrote it I had already been in therapy for a while. Her letter was unnecessary. But she still wrote it. He has convinced her that he wants to help me. All of his court filings and paper work and comments and actions show much differently.
That brings me to my other theory why I believe my kids are taking his side. First, Lacey has always been a daddy's girl. I have always been the disciplinarian. Partly because he worked all hours of the day 7 days a week. Partly because when he was home he couldn't be torn from the TV. Jerame was an amazing dad to Lacey. He was so involved with her. He would have been fine with having only her. So yes they are close. Although I thought Lacey and I were close too. Once Emma and then Aly came he was much less involved. He was home even less. And when he was home he rarely interacted with the kids except to tell them to be quiet or go in another room because he was watching tv. When Sophie came, I think he was set on everyone knowing he was an amazing person for being her father even though she wasn't his that he over-did it for Sophie. Lacey and Emma didn't get along when Lacey lived at home. Lacey was close to Aly but Emma always got left out. These very impressionable girls, Emma and Aly, are thrilled to be getting attention from their older sister and their father. I have always been there. When they hurt I am there to comfort. When they need help I am there to help. When they get mad at me I am always right there when they need me anyway no matter what they say to hurt me. I can't say the same for their father. He was always too busy. So now that they have his attention and Lacey's they love the way that feels. Who wouldn't? So it's easy, knowing I will never go away, to be hurtful to me in order to keep the attention of their sister and father. It breaks my heart. But they're right, I will always be here waiting for them. Even Lacey.
