You - A Letter from Your Mother

I felt you inside of me.  I loved you first! My heartbeat may have been the first sound you heard.  Or maybe the sound of my voice.  We were connected.  I watched you take your first breath. I heard your first cry.  I changed your first diaper. I was the first to look into your eyes.  I saw what was inside of you.  Who you really are.  I know you better than anyone else in the world.  I would watch you stare at lights as an infant and knew you were watching angels because you had such a spiritual light around you. 

I nursed you.  I cuddled and kissed you.  I held you close and sang you songs.  I laid with you when you fell asleep.  I cried when you cried.  I felt your pain.  I hurt for you.  I have worried for you.

You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic.  You have always felt what other people feel.  You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.

That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside.  Because I know you.  I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything.  This is happening to you not because of you.  But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it.  I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.

I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it.  You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me.  And it is not your fault.  You are hurting.  And I see that.  I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me.  I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.

You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart.  Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain.  You feel alone.  You feel sad.  You feel overwhelmed.  You feel tired.  You feel angry.  You feel unimportant.

You are hurting. 

Baby you are important.  You can do anything.  You are smart and beautiful.  You are going to get through this and be stronger.   And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you.  When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking.  Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope.  And I know that.  But I still know you.  I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside.  You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you.  It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me.  I cry for you too.  I hurt for you too.  I will always be your mommy.  I will always be here for you.  I'm not going anywhere. 

But I promise you are NOT alone.  Please don't forget that you are special to me.  I love you now even more than I did at our beginning.  You will always be my baby.  I am going to fix your pain.  Just know that it will take some time.  But you have to let me try.  I love you most-er-est-er-est.

All the Right Things

For months I have been working on bettering myself.  I have been working on gaining a strong testimony in my faith. I have been making the right choices for my faith.  I am not drinking. I am not having sex with my boyfriend.  I am working on not swearing...although this one I admit that I struggle the most with.  I am working on my parenting and patience and honestly I feel like I am doing a great job in those areas. I am working on listening to what my kids need. I am doing all the right things.

I see the improvements in my life spiritually.  I am feeling my Heavenly Father's love.  I am seeing the blessings I have been given.  I am doing all the right things.

So why does it feel like I move forward one step and then get knocked back three, or four, or fifty?!

The answer is simple . . . my kids.  I have spent almost 21 years being a mother.  Pretty much only a mother.  I have been known as Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Aly's mom, Sophie's mom, or Jerame's wife.  Rarely have I been known as Kelli.  I don't have much of an identity without those other five names preceding me. Why?  Because they have been my life.  I gave up a career and a way to support myself to raise my kids and support my husband in his career.  It's not their fault.  I chose it.  But I also couldn't see the future financial struggle coming my way.

I do see the rewards of what I have done.  I have amazingly smart children. Every single one of them.  They all work hard at school and in their activities and excel at everything they do.  All of my girls are gorgeous.  They are healthy.  I have been lucky as a mother to be blessed with the chance to be a part of their lives.  It was worth giving up my identity.

So here I sit. No husband, no support from my children, no respect from any of them . . . and still without an identity.

Here's what I want to do.  I want to go back to school.  I want to get a degree.  I want to be independent.  I want to travel.  I especially want to do service. I want to help people.  I want to be respected.  I want my children to care.  I want my ex-husband to respect me and try to be friendly.  I want the same from Sophie's dad.  I want my children to respect me.  I want to have my children stop throwing daggers at me in the form of words.  I want the same from their father. I want to matter.  I want to be important.  Doesn't everyone? 

Jerame is very good at hurting me through my kids.  I am doing everything right but he still has that control.  I don't love him anymore, that's not what this is about.  But I do love my kids.  He has effectively poisoned them against me and continues to do so. I cannot discipline because he will undermine me.  If I try they then tell me they want to live with their dad.  He doesn't discipline and is rarely around so the lack of supervision is appealing for them.  And he has money.  I don't. He can buy them whatever they want.  I can't.  The things they say to me I know they didn't come up with on their own. I know they are being told things by their father.  The problem is that they are mostly untrue things or extreme exaggerations meant to hurt me or scare me.

But I am not scared.  I am doing all the right things.  I am focused.  I have plans.  Good plans.  But the words still hurt.  The disrespect and ungratefulness still hurt. I just hope that some day my children will see the truth. That one day they will at least let me tell my side instead of believing the lies they so readily believe now.  That they even hunger for to help their hate grow.

I hope they see that hate is not the answer.  Love is the answer.  Understanding is the answer.  Hate is eating alive my oldest two right now.  They are blinded by it. 

I know what you're thinking, or maybe it's just my thoughts, but I don't hate Jerame.  I am hurt by him.  I am confused by him.  But I don't hate him.

I am doing all the right things.  Things are getting better.  There is just one area in my life that I desperately want to change for the better.  And that's area is my relationships with my children.  That is my biggest stumbling block.  That is where I don't know what to do. That is my biggest defeat.