I felt you inside of me. I loved you first! My heartbeat may have been the first sound you heard. Or maybe the sound of my voice. We were connected. I watched you take your first breath. I heard your first cry. I changed your first diaper. I was the first to look into your eyes. I saw what was inside of you. Who you really are. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I would watch you stare at lights as an infant and knew you were watching angels because you had such a spiritual light around you.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
