Co-Parenting

I want to pose a question to everyone.

Here's a situation.  When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive.  She promised to follow those rules and understood them.  I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks.  This is a privilege for a 15-year-old.  Not a right.

Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it.  I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug.  I chose to continue trusting her.

Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule.  When caught she lied.  When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it.  I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care.  So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong.  She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong.  So I took the car away completely.

I'm being vague in the details on purpose.  Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.

Now let me put the details in.  I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to.  But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.

Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me: 

Emma drives herself to school.  I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00.  I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me).  After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home.  That's the plan.  It's all I can do.  I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.

Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie.  I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him.  This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me.  Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter.  She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly.  How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial?  Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including  my children.  He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally.  He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him.  He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him.  He has made no effort yet continues to blame me.  The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her.  I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children.  I cannot protect them.  But I can protect Sophie.  And I will.  She needs stability.  Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good.  He is hurting her.  So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.

Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license.  For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first.  I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why.  She promised over and over that that would never happen. 

Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare.  I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop.  She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them.  The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.

The next week my daughters were with Jerame.  Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about.  She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister.  I said she could. So they went and got a cookie.  When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them.  I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house.  Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?).  Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason.  And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period!  Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people.  I let it go.

Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter.  I had not given money to the kids for Crumble.  My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble.  I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me.  Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how?  It's my week.  I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame.  When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing?  Well I tell you not for my kids.  Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out.  That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad.  It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father.   Again...what?  Why was she with her father?  But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me?  Emma says no of course not.  Ok . . . I let it go.  Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie.  So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame.  Sophie nods her head yes.  I look at Emma again.  Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up."  Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop?  And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do.  And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)!  Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset.  It was an accident after all.  So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was?  How on earth is that an accident?  "I just forgot to tell you first."   So you knew she was going to see him?  Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?

And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever.  I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful.  Of course not she says.  She did nothing wrong.  So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across.  So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun.  I was yelled at that that's why she hates me.  I am an awful mom.  She wants to live with her dad.  I never do anything for her.  She stomped down to her room.

Huh...ok.  But here's another thing.  Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week?  Again it's not about seeing their dad.  It's about the lies.  The deceit.  All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me.  Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma.  Um ok why didn't you tell me?  Because he's my dad.  Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me?  I don't know.  You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad.  AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad.  It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me.  How long has this been going on?  All week.  ALL WEEK?! What?  Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma.  And you don't think you should have told me?  Or talked to me about it?  Or seen if there was anything I could have done?  No because I talked to my dad.  But it isn't his week!!!!!

Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away.  Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother.  Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should.  Of course NONE of that!  And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.

Fast forward to this morning.  Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school.  I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week.  Of course she said no.  So I said then that's her answer.  No she can't go.  This one is hard for me.  This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue.  I was completely shocked.  So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong.  So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent.  What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand!  And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want.  There is absolutely no supervision at his house.  No boundaries.  And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent.  I don't have tons of rules.  I don't set tons of limits.  There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest!  But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with.  At least on the weeks they are with me.  Even if that person is their father.  And I expect them to do the same for him with me.  Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first.  Out of respect and co-parenting.

So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad.  Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other.  It's getting so old. 

Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives.  This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us.  I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it.  She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA.  Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away.  Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him.  Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs.  They are his puppets.

Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me?  Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening?  Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids?  Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them.  Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting?  Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect?  Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do?  And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess?  How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?

Hate

I have been on a spiritual high for a couple weeks now. I have dug down and I actually have some confidence again. I don’t believe everything was my fault. I do believe I have made mistakes. Whether anyone cares or not, I am human. I have feelings and emotions. Yes I’m a mother but also I am human. Sometimes the human takes over and I’m not as good of a mother as I want to be. But I finally felt good about me!

Oh but then Satan. Satan has a way of making that self doubt come back. It’s generally through someone else. Although sometimes it’s through my own mistakes. But wow did he hit me hard this last week. 

People have so much hate. It’s like they see someone down and they can’t keep themselves from enjoying the hurt that person is in. And it even makes them want to make it worse for that person. Why? I don’t know maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone feeling worse than they do? Maybe jealousy? 

I’m sure many people saw the nasty comments left on my blog post. I’m sure many people laughed at them. I’m sure many people told others to look (especially the one that posted them). I did respond once but to the 4 or 5 other comments that were left I didn’t even read them. The first one was enough to make me question myself again. It was enough to make me doubt who I thought I had become. I didn’t need to read the rest. All I got from the comments was that for years my husband was trashing me to other people. For years nothing good that I did was noticed. That instead of being my partner my husband was making me out to be a monster. Behind my back. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely I did. But so did he. He was trashing me and making sure to lift himself up to everyone else. And what o also found out is that people that were nice to my face were encouraging my husband to get rid of me. To split apart his family. 

Our story didn’t start in Pocatello, Idaho. It didn’t start when we moved here in 2006. That’s when some of the people he associates with now met us.  But we started many years before that. So for people to pretend that they know what our marriage has been since the beginning and feel the need to judge either of us . . . they honestly have no idea! They don’t know us. They know the man that turned his back. They know the big things but not the little things that led to them.

I’m done. I’m done reading the hate. I’m done feeling Satan’s power through his conduits. I’m a good person and I plan on remaining a good person. And I’m not letting it destroy me and I’m not going to continue to doubt myself.