Well it's been a year. A year since I thought my world came crashing down. A year since I found out my life was a lie. A deception.
A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense. I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself. First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.
WORST
The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating. But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse. I can't imagine their pain. I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make.
Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him. He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides. That they can't love us both. They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.
I lost my family. My "normal" family life. My security and comfort. My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home. The co-parenting is non-existent. I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.
When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me. I was 17 and about 105 pounds. Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore. I always took it as a joke. But I realize now it wasn't a joke. I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me. But he was joking right? My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.
He always made those kinds of "jokes". I thought they were normal. I thought they were ok. Now looking back I realize they weren't ok. He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them. He didn't treat me as his equal. He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did. He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.
BEST
I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal? Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny. I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them. And he wouldn't be ok with it. Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage. I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man. Not in the way I deserved to be. So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a partner with the same goals and values as me. A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him. A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values. A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.
I have become more acquainted with my religion. That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do. In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it. He made me feel like I was not good enough for him. But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion.
I am able to be me. For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom. I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do. Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies. I didn't have any hobbies. I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want.
Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments. I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them. I get them all the time now! I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be. I'm still insecure. I'm still suspicious of everything. I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that. I still have work to do on me. But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me. It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good. I would never know what it is to be important. I would never know what it is to be special.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Monday, October 14, 2019
Let's get real about fake and family
So this one is going to just be my opinion. Everyone relax a little and hear me out before forming an opinion. But seriously I just want to get real about a few things.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
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