Well it's been a year. A year since I thought my world came crashing down. A year since I found out my life was a lie. A deception.
A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense. I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself. First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.
WORST
The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating. But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse. I can't imagine their pain. I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make.
Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him. He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides. That they can't love us both. They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.
I lost my family. My "normal" family life. My security and comfort. My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home. The co-parenting is non-existent. I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.
When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me. I was 17 and about 105 pounds. Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore. I always took it as a joke. But I realize now it wasn't a joke. I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me. But he was joking right? My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.
He always made those kinds of "jokes". I thought they were normal. I thought they were ok. Now looking back I realize they weren't ok. He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them. He didn't treat me as his equal. He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did. He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.
BEST
I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal? Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny. I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them. And he wouldn't be ok with it. Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage. I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man. Not in the way I deserved to be. So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a partner with the same goals and values as me. A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him. A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values. A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.
I have become more acquainted with my religion. That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do. In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it. He made me feel like I was not good enough for him. But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion.
I am able to be me. For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom. I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do. Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies. I didn't have any hobbies. I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want.
Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments. I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them. I get them all the time now! I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be. I'm still insecure. I'm still suspicious of everything. I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that. I still have work to do on me. But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me. It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good. I would never know what it is to be important. I would never know what it is to be special.
