Breathing is crushing me. Feelings are crushing me. Fear is crushing me. Life is crushing me.
I honestly find it almost unbearable to even breathe. I keep going and continue to breathe anyway. Why? My kids. That’s pretty much all anymore. My kids.
Yes depression is real. Some people never get rid of it but can manage it with medication. That’s me. I handle it with medication. But situations still come along to make things worse. Like right now. It’s crushing.
After I had Lacey is when I really started feeling it. Baby blues? Maybe. But I do believe my depression started before she was even born. And I have been on medication pretty much since she was born. It helps regulate my moods and give me energy because depression is seriously crushing. I was alone in my house one day with Lacey after she was born and Jerame’s aunt came over. The lights were off and it was starting to get dark outside. I didn’t even think of it being bad for me. It was comfortable. Debbie immediately turned on the lights and told me the worst thing I could do was sit in a dark room. That’s when I knew I needed help. Nobody was in danger but I was not ok.
I still refuse to sit in a dark room unless it’s for movie purposes. Because it weighs me down.
But as much as I have it under control I still have moments when something happens that takes me back down there. I’ve never been suicidal. That’s not a worry. But I would sleep through the entire day. I would not take showers or do my makeup. But because I know this I make myself shower. I make myself put on makeup. Because I feel better when I do. It doesn’t fix everything but i at least feel alive.
This last year has been crushing. It has crushed my spirit. It has crushed my confidence. It has crushed my life. But I let it. I didn’t always put myself in the shower. I didn’t always put makeup on. I was crushed.
Lately I have felt so much better about my life’s direction. But wouldn’t you know something has to happen when I’m feeling content?
I find something finally easy just to watch it turn into the hardest thing I have to deal with. Just to watch it become unbearable.
I’m lonely and that is not good for depression either. I’m constantly ganged up on. The two men that hated each other with a passion have found a new passion to bond over....hating me. They are constantly working to find ways to take my kids away. Together. They go to dinner together. It’s disgusting really. I feel like I have very few people that are there for me when I need them. Most of my trustworthy and supportive people are hours and states away.
I’m beat down by the rumors being spread around town. I’m beat down by the manipulation. I’m beat down by failure. I’m beat down by the accusations.
It’s crushing me. And I know there are two people in particular that this post makes feel like they are winning. That they have gotten what they want. But I’m not done yet. I’m a survivor right?
