My Side of the Story

I think the main reason I keep this blog is because I feel like nobody ever wants or listens to my side of the story.  Everyone (law, friends, family) supports a man bullying a woman just because he has more money and can buy followers. He has more money and can pay top dollar for a dishonest and unethical attorney to help him destroy a good person.  All to divert the blame away from himself. All to make him feel better about what he's done.

My voice is not heard. I have no money left. My side of the story isn't even heard in Court and his version is automatically taken as gospel.  Friends don't ask me for my side and actually help him spread his lies.

Why? Because he's the man? Because he is more powerful? Because he has more money? Because they are afraid of what he will do to them if they don't?

He has made my children hate me.  That evil woman is welcome to replace me as wife because he is the last person I ever want to touch or talk to again. But she doesn't get to replace me as mother.  I don't know what I ever did to her to make her decided to pick on me but she is evil.

She doesn't get to replace the 20 years that I was the primary caregiver for my children.  She doesn't get to replace all the love that I have given my children.  She doesn't get to replace every minute I have spent hurting for my kids for things that others have done to them.  In fact she has damaged my kids beyond repair by destroying their home and life.

I have stood up for my kids.  I had Lacey's bully's mom text me and I defended my daughter and still do. I have made sure the girls make the most of themselves.  I got Emma's paperwork done for Honor Society.  My fiance found her service to do for National Honor Society.  I have encouraged good grades.  I have made sure the girls are active in activities.  I have been the one to volunteer in their classrooms. I have been the one to throw them birthday parties.  I have been the one to make sure they go to other kids' birthday parties.  I have been the one to get them what they need.  I have been the one to make sure they are healthy.  Nobody can take my place.

I am unappreciated by my children for everything I have done.  My daughter told me I wasn't remotely motherly.  Then when I listed all of the things I have done for them she told me that doesn't make me motherly because that's stuff a mother is supposed to do. Guess what! Some mother's don't do any of it!

I let them sleep in my bed until they were 8-years-old.  They wanted to be with me.  Nobody can take that away.

Everyone is so quick to judge based on a one-sided biased story. Maybe ask for my side.  There is way more to it than the lies and embellishments portrayed by an evil home-wrecking woman and the man that let her destroy his family and kids. And more to the story than what kids who are trying to make themselves not look bad portray. More than kids that have been manipulated by two evil people into disregarding anything their mother has ever done for them.  For devaluing everything she has ever done for those children.

A woman that I called a friend has been helping spread these lies for my ex-husband. She hasn't even asked for my side before spreading them. What is wrong with people? Why is it so fun to tear someone down?  To destroy a good person?

So all I ask before you pass judgment (and I even ask my daughters, especially my oldest, for this mercy) is please ask for my side before telling the world. Maybe there is more to the story than you are being told.  It's a snapshot.  It's not complete.

I can't buy them iPhones.  I can't buy them Crumble Cookies daily.  I can't buy them name brand.  I can't compete financially.  But I do give them my heart.  I just want a piece of their's in return.  Some loyalty.  Some compassion.  I give all of those things to them.  Just because I am the mother and they are the kids doesn't mean that they shouldn't return these things.

I am a good mother.  I am human.  I make mistakes. But I am a good mother.

Crushing

Breathing is crushing me. Feelings are crushing me. Fear is crushing me. Life is crushing me.

I honestly find it almost unbearable to even breathe. I keep going and continue to breathe anyway. Why? My kids. That’s pretty much all anymore. My kids.

Yes depression is real. Some people never get rid of it but can manage it with medication. That’s me. I handle it with medication. But situations still come along to make things worse. Like right now. It’s crushing.

After I had Lacey is when I really started feeling it. Baby blues? Maybe. But I do believe my depression started before she was even born. And I have been on medication pretty much since she was born. It helps regulate my moods and give me energy because depression is seriously crushing. I was alone in my house one day with Lacey after she was born and Jerame’s aunt came over. The lights were off and it was starting to get dark outside. I didn’t even think of it being bad for me. It was comfortable. Debbie immediately turned on the lights and told me the worst thing I could do was sit in a dark room. That’s when I knew I needed help. Nobody was in danger but I was not ok.

I still refuse to sit in a dark room unless it’s for movie purposes. Because it weighs me down.

But as much as I have it under control I still have moments when something happens that takes me back down there. I’ve never been suicidal. That’s not a worry. But I would sleep through the entire day. I would not take showers or do my makeup. But because I know this I make myself shower. I make myself put on makeup. Because I feel better when I do. It doesn’t fix everything but i at least feel alive.

This last year has been crushing. It has crushed my spirit. It has crushed my confidence. It has crushed my life. But I let it. I didn’t always put myself in the shower. I didn’t always put makeup on. I was crushed.

Lately I have felt so much better about my life’s direction. But wouldn’t you know something has to happen when I’m feeling content?

I find something finally easy just to watch it turn into the hardest thing I have to deal with. Just to watch it become unbearable.

I’m lonely and that is not good for depression either. I’m constantly ganged up on. The two men that hated each other with a passion have found a new passion to bond over....hating me. They are constantly working to find ways to take my kids away. Together. They go to dinner together. It’s disgusting really. I feel like I have very few people that are there for me when I need them. Most of my trustworthy and supportive  people are hours and states away.

I’m beat down by the rumors being spread around town. I’m beat down by the manipulation. I’m beat down by failure. I’m beat down by the accusations.

It’s crushing me. And I know there are two people in particular that this post makes feel like they are winning. That they have gotten what they want. But I’m not done yet. I’m a survivor right?