Me time

I tend to blog more when I'm lonely! For 20 years I had at least one of my kids every single day. Sure Jerame and I went places alone and there were times my kids went to visit family so this isn't 100% literal. But I was a mom every single day.  I had contact with my kids every single day.

Its hard to have them gone every other week.  Being a mom has been my world! I really don't have contact with them when they're gone.  Only one of my kids actually responds to my texts! So it's not for lack of trying. Sophie would respond but she is only six. She doesn't really have any way to and it has been clear I am not welcome to call her while she is gone.

I have recently been made to look like a bad mom for desperately trying to hold on to my family. And my words have been twisted and so many lies have been spread. I honestly feel like I have nobody close to me.  My family is too far away. I'm ganged up on constantly by men and women that just want to see me fail.

I am back in school. I am fully aware that this will be used against me.  Making a better life for myself just makes the haters hate even more. They use it against me for custody.  Let me assure everyone I am very aware of time with my kids even though I have a lot on my plate right now.  They have always come first and they will continue to come first. But if I stay where I am and can't make ends meet that would be used against me too. I honestly can't win either way.  No matter what I do I will it will always be twisted to look bad.  It's really hard when everyone is rooting for you to fail.

I have had some amazing moments with my kids this week. Emma and Aly have both come into my room to talk to me. Not about anything huge just to talk! I sat in Emma's room until 2:00 in the morning. I'm not sure everyone know how absolutely amazing my girls are.  We have had some good talks about racism and religion. I felt connected to them both this week.

My oldest and I have not been doing great lately. There are valid reasons on her side and there are valid reasons on my side. But that doesn't mean I love her any less.  That girl has been by my side through a lot of stuff and she is an amazing daughter.  I do believe there are a lot of misunderstandings on both sides right now.  I also believe some of the things we have both said are unfair. I am not sure our relationship will ever be what it used to be but she is still my baby.  She was first to call me Mom. She was the first to need me.  And I believe, although she may disagree, that she still needs me. And I need her.

Emma has been such a delight to have around lately.  She's always been my most sensitive and empathetic.  And this has hurt her in many ways.  She just feels too much.  It is such a beautiful quality yet it is sometimes very hard for her. Recently we have had some amazing talks.  We connect over Supernatural. We connect over food. I know she feels it too.  Emma has become more than a daughter.  She has become my friend.

Alyson is just amazing at everything she touches. Well until it has to do with jumping off a roof into a pool then she breaks what she touches! The only one that I have ever seen that may come close to her drive is Lacey.  She may have surpassed Lacey in drive though.  Sorry Lace. That kid pushes herself to progress in everything. And Aly can make anybody laugh with her goofy antics.  Her tiktoks are hilarious.  If you haven't had the chance to see any you really should check her out.  It melts my heart when she comes into my room and sits on my bed and we talk. It doesn't even matter how late it is.

Sophia is my angel.  She truly was sent to me to save me.  I had thought she was sent to repair our broken family because she definitely did do that for a while.  Now that our family is broken again I know why she was really sent to me.  She was sent to me purely for me. Her witty comments make me both proud and laugh.  She is quite the genius. When I feel like I have nothing left I look at her and realize that she is worth continuing to be a better me.  She is worth making my life better.  She is worth getting out of bed for. She is so unconditionally loving.  She loves everyone.  She just wants everyone to be happy.  I try every day to make her happy because she deserves it.

So this week while I sit at home alone, I will just try to be ok with some me time.  I haven't had a lot of me time in the last 21 years.  So maybe it's ok that I have some now.  Not sure quite what to do with me time but I'm sure I will eventually figure it out. Probably should stay off the blog though!

Goals

I want a partner. I want a man that respects me. I don’t want to be alone. But sometimes I don’t really have the choice. And right now I don’t have the choice.

I honestly don’t have time for a dating life but that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone by my side. It’s lonely. I think I fall too hard too fast. This is the first time in years that I would consider myself single. Not even a prospect out there. Wouldn’t even know where to find one! Online sucks. I don’t really know where to go to meet someone (maybe I should try the gym like my ex-husband did while we were married still...I kid)!

But right now I have goals that make it really hard to date anyway. Between working full time, my kids, my house, and going back to school I have no time for dating! I’d like to not be doing this alone but here I am....mowing the lawn.

I actually had to look up videos on YouTube to figure out how to start the lawn mower! Yep I have not mowed a lawn in a long time and when I did it was a riding lawn mower that my ex would start for me! I have on my list to figure out the weed eater. But holy crap when I turned that thing on it scared the crap out of me! That’s going to take some time! Outside chores have never really been my job. As my sister says, they’re blue jobs. The pink jobs, cleaning, cooking, kids, are all jobs I’m used to! But adding the blue jobs to the pink jobs really makes for a lot to do! Add working and school and making time for my kids and I’m freaking dead!

Anyway I hope to get a career that I can support myself with. I’ve always had the supplemental income job. It doesn’t cut it as a main income though! That’s been clear for a while! I don’t want to look for a man because I need help financially. I haven’t done that so don’t go thinking I’m a gold digger. But I won’t deny that I have thought about how much easier it would be with two incomes.

But dang it’s lonely to be alone! I want a healthy relationship where we both respect each other. I also want to matter to someone. With all the crap going on with my kids I honestly feel like I only matter to my youngest, Sophie. But she is six and she certainly doesn’t need to take on my feelings so it’s kinda hard to talk to a six year old when you’re having a bad day! It’s hard to not have someone but to also not have anyone is even harder!

I think I need a vacation...oh that’s right, I don’t have time!