Reasons to Live

 Sophie. That’s all I’ve got. 

 Oh wow. So much has happened. I just went through some old unpublished posts and decided to post them. I know some people will love this post because I'm not in a good place right now. So hi Amy and Kathy. Enjoy and hopefully this makes you all feel validated in the part you played in helping someone destroy a life. 

I give up. I will never be good enough. I. Have. Nobody. And the harder I try to create connections with people I love, the more I fail. 

I've been busy. I got remarried which increased my children by 4. Honestly, my kids don't matter to him and that's one of our biggest problems. I feel like I have shown that his kids matter to me. But I'm sure I'm as inadequate in that as I have been in showing my own kids. With my own kids, I am not cutting it whether I try or not. I don't get thanks yous for gifts I send them or my grand kids. They don't care what's going on in my life. If I ask anything about their life I am annoying and if I don't call or text I must not care. No information on their lives is given without me prying it from them. They are hell bent on making sure I have nothing to do with them no matter how much I want to be part of their lives. It punishment for having a breakdown when my ex-husband left me.

 I have a daughter that hasn't talked to me in 5 years. Can you believe that? Nothing I ever did for her matters. She actually testified once that I was never there watching her cheer practices I have videos to disprove that. I know other parents remember me there. She even used to get mad at me for being there too much. 

I was there for EVERYTHING for my kids until they wouldn't let me be anymore. I threw extravagant birthday parties for them. I signed them up for anything they wanted to try. I was their biggest cheerleader. I video taped ever cheer performance so I could send it to that daughter so she could critique it. I cuddled, I bathed. I taught them to shave their legs and use a tampon. I did their homework with them. I could lay on the couch with no spare room, and Aly would cuddle into the smallest part just o be with me. I laughed with them. I played with them. I took the pictures. I planned the vacations (and even did that wrong I was told). I got up early to do cheer makeup and hair when they were too young to do it themselves (and no I was not exactly talented in it, but I tried).  I made sure they had the best clothes for school. And new school supplies every year. And the snacks they wanted from the store. I would take them to get snow cones and ice cream. I'd schedule play dates and sleepovers for them. I was "mom" to their friends.

I have been told that I either worked too much and wasn't there enough or that I didn't contribute financially and that their dad provided everything. Well it can't be both ways. I have been told I am too strict or too lenient. Again, it can't be both ways. No matter what I do or did it will never and never was good enough. 

I had a big breakdown when I caught my husband cheating and he left me. He took EVERYTHING! He told me he would destroy my life and I'll be damned if he didn't do it. Our marriage wasn't perfect but it wasn't what he told everyone while trying to destroy me either. He destroyed me to my kids, to our friends, and to family. All these people that saw me regularly with my kids and saw everything I did for them, were easily persuaded by this man. Even still are after his death. He even got my kids to destroy me publicly and privately.

Yes, he died. And I will admit I had the biggest roller coaster of emotions when he did. He was my life for 23 year. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't even always good. But it was mostly good. When it was bad it was bad but it was mostly good. I mourned this man for years after our separation and ultimate divorce.

My family is so jealous of my life (ha ha) that they don't even answer calls or texts anymore. Except my mom and dad. They are literally all I have, and unfortunately that won't be a whole lot longer either. My kids want to know nothing about my life. And even they hardly answer calls or texts. I admit Emma is the best at answering but I even rarely get to talk to her. 

This is rambling. I'm sorry. Not sure I can even post this. 

I'm getting a divorce. It hasn't even been 2 years. We are highly incompatible. He is talking crap about me to his family and kids to try to make it all my fault. It's fine. I've been there before. I don't actually need anyone. I know that. But I feel like a prisoner in the house I live in because I can't even come out of my room without seeing the kids look at me like I am a monster. Yep I think he needs to hold his oldest accountable for taking care of himself and suffer the consequences for his laziness and choices. Call me a monster. I think we should be a partnership yet I'm living in a dictatorship. I think we should be equals instead of me being lower because I am a woman living in HIS house. I was told today that he makes the rules because it's his house and he makes the payment. It doesn't matter that I pay for EVERYTHING else. Including his daughter's braces and all they kids' school clothes and supplies. And everyone's cell phones. All dinners out. Electricity. Internet. FOOD! I was told I pay for NONESSENTIALS so I have less say than he does. Great partnership right? I make more than he does and contribute way more than he does. I pay for holidays and birthdays. This is the man that refused to get a house that could be OUR house when we were first married. Why? Control. Then he could say that he has final say in all. Actually he told me when we were first married that the Mormon church says the man has the final say. 

OK and about church. I can't be ok with a church that thinks that. Now, I have seen my husband quote scripture and twist it to what he wants it to mean. So I can't totally blame the Mormon church. But he's not wrong that they do kind of hint at that. I am struggling with his interpretations. They are helping to push me away from the church. 

What about Sophie. I need to do what's best for her. How do I leave my husband and not make her switch schools again? Is it better for her to be closer to her dad so we should move to Idaho Falls? Or back to Pocatello? Honestly I have very little left in Pocatello because of the destroying of my life I spoke of earlier. I have a handful of people there that I still matter to. Do I try to stay in Blackfoot? Do I need to change my work hours? I can't leave her alone all night. Can I buy a house? Do I need to rent? I'm stuck.

And. I. Have. Nobody.

You

 You made my life complete.  You taught me what it is to love so deeply that it hurts. It hurts so bad. I keep trying and trying but it's never enough.  It doesn't even get me in the door.

I watched you with your little girl tonight.  I could tell you were getting tired and I wanted nothing more than to take her and give you a break.  But I knew you wouldn't want that.  You've always been so stubborn.  But with your parents I guess that is to be expected. The way she looked at you tonight was pure love.  You used to look at me like that.  I used to be your world, day and night, and you were mine.  I hope you know that the way you feel about her is exactly how I feel about you. There was nobody more perfect than you.  I wonder if you know I still think you're perfect.  I couldn't have had an easier first born.  You always tried your hardest at everything. 

And you, I was afraid to have a number two.  Could I be good enough for both of you? I know I fell short but you never did.  You could light up the room with your smile and deep laugh.  And of course those big eyes melted my heart the first time they looked at me.  You were so loved from the moment you were tried for.  I wanted you so badly.  Together you both became my day and night.  And there was nobody more perfect than the two of you.  You're both still so perfect.

And then you, my surprise.  I didn't expect to be blessed with you so easily. But the Lord knew I needed you. You were the one that could fit into the smallest space just to be near me.  You were the comedian in the family and could make everyone laugh.  You had to share my lap with my number two because you were so close together.  You three became my day and night. And there was nobody more perfect than the three of you.  You're all still so perfect.

And then the biggest surprise, you.  I didn't know how much I needed you and I probably don't appreciate how much I still need you.  You give me purpose in the darkness.  You are my day and night. You four are my day and night.  There is nobody more perfect than the four of you.  You're all still so perfect.

So I am making a decision that has taken me years to get to.  I will make a life with number four and it will be a good one.  I will keep her my day and night because she deserves and needs it.  One, two, and three are blowing in the wind and as hard as I try I cannot catch you.  You don't want to be caught.  So I'll let you blow for a while and hope you blow back home.