College? Nah Wedding!

College. That’s what you’re supposed to do after high school right? Well of course it is but I’m not sure my 17-year-old mind was onboard with that. I wanted to be in Sacramento with a boy I had met 3 months earlier. But college was already the plan. In Utah of course so maybe I would straighten up. 

So my mom and I drove my falling apart mustang all the way from Fallon, Nevada to Provo, Utah. Just hoping it would make it. It was a little scary. But we made it. My mom got me set up in my apartment and all registered for Utah Valley State College (now Utah Valley University). Jerame an I talked on the phone every day. He missed me and I missed him. I talked to my parents about moving to Sacramento. Of course they didn’t approve and said if he loves you he’d marry you first. Well ok! Challenge accepted! Jerame said, “Well then we’ll just get married.” He called my parents and talked to them, I’m sure they weren’t impressed. 

He drove all the way from Sacramento to Provo on a Saturday to pick me up. To be honest I’m not sure where he slept that night because I was in BYU approved housing and him staying in my apparetment would have been a huge deal. I had a ring my sister had given me that had been an engagement ring for her at one point. I told him he should propose, not that it wasn’t already going to happen. But I wanted a little bit of old fashioned. So he got down on his knee while I sat on the couch at my apartment. He didn’t know what to say. Honestly we still didn’t really know each other. We had  seen each other on our senior trip and then when he came to sand mountain for a weekend. I had also gone to stay with him for a week in Sacramento before heading to college. With my parents approval although I’m pretty sure I told them Jerame and I were just friends. But I’m pretty sure they weren’t stupid and knew I was lying. The rest was on the phone. We also wrote each other letters and mailed them. Yep pretty old fashioned and I loved it. He was silent on his knee for quite a while. He tried staring at the tv for distraction. But finally he said, “Will you marry me?” and put my sister’s ring on my finger. Of course I said yes and we kissed. 

Well Jerame told his aunt we were going to stop in Fallon on the way back to Sacramento to get married. She wanted it to be in Reno so it would be a little closer to his family in Sacramento. My parents weren’t sure where to do it in Reno and could get my bishop on short notice in Fallon for free. Jerame’s aunt still wanted it in Reno. So Jerame said we just won’t tell my family then. I still regret that because I know his mom would have gone as far as she had to to be there. And I wish we had told her. And I think he does too. And I know she does too.

The next day, Saturday, September 10, 1995, we drove all the way from Provo to Fallon. My sister had gotten a cake. My parents had gotten my bishop. I had a white prom dress that served as a wedding dress. My family had even invited close friends. They had set up chairs for guests in my sister’s back yard right by the chicken coupe. Oh yeah we did it in style! My sister took me to get my hair done. 

Finally it was time. Jerame stood next to the chicken coupe and my bishop ringing his hands, which he still does when he’s nervous. I don’t know if any music played or if my dad just walked me out my sister’s sliding door past the guests in silence. We got married. The bishop said kiss the bride and Jerame tried to go for way more than I wanted to show to everyone. 

We had cake and presents. We cut the cake like any newlyweds do. I will tell you that boy was vicious with the cake! He got it up my nose and I’m pretty sure down my tear ducts in my eyes. I was a mess! But that’s Jerame. Go big or go home. 

After we got married, we got in the car and drove to Sacramento. He had to work the next day of course. We got to the house he was renting with two friends and they were outside waiting for us. Not sure how that worked since there were no cell phones to tell them we were getting close. Good timing I guess. They threw something on us, rice maybe? Jerame picked me up and carried me over the threshold of the door from the garage into the kitchen. We were married. Our lives together had begun. I’m sure people had bets on how long we’d make it. I’m sure we both weren’t positive we’d make it. Somehow we did. Four kids and 23 years. I wonder who won that bet? Anyone out there guess 23 years? 

Life Happens

Life happens. Unfortunately sometimes we forget to let the ones we love know how amazing they are. The attraction and passion is so intense at the beginning. It helps you fall in love. But staying in love takes work. Once kids come, that passion is not the same. Why? Because poop, puke, crying, lack of sleep, etc. it’s not easy. But I know now it’s so important to make that time for each other. We didn’t do that, not good enough. I absolutely admit that I neglected my marriage. There really is no excuse. But there certainly are reasons. I took it for granted. He would never leave me. He has shown me time and time again how much he really loves me. We’ve been through so much but he is always there. Always. But not anymore.

We get pulled in 100 different directions on a daily basis. Cheer, volleyball, dirver’s ed, preschool, dance, WORK. We never stop. Except that we do. Every single day at the end of the day we were in the same bed. If that’s the only time you can find then make the most of it before it’s too late. Date night.  I know everyone says it. I heard it a million times. Make time for your spouse. Set aside a date night. We never did it. Sure we went out from time to time but not regularly. That was going to happen when kids grow up right? Nope. Because even as ours got older we still didn’t make time for each other. Yes both of us. I take credit for my part in it but it was two sided. He wasn’t perfect either.

But every time I said no in the bedroom I wish I could take it back. Every time I was too tired. Every time I wasn’t ready to make the kids sleep in their own beds. I wish I had known what that was doing to my marriage. It’s so funny because I have been a cheater. I should have known the signs. How did I not? They were the same signs I showed. All of the sudden his phone is on silent. All of the sudden his phone isn’t just left on the kitchen counter. All of the sudden he doesn’t want to go out with me. All of the sudden something is off. But when I asked he said he was just tired and stressed about money. I believed him. I should have known.

But I am as much at fault as he is. I made a lot of mistakes. And I just thought he’d always be there. But he’s not anymore.

The way he looks at me now is more painful than the words he says. His body language relveals how much he doesn’t want to be around me. It’s crushing. This is the man I always thought would love me unconditionally. He doesn’t. I took him for granted. I neglected our marriage. And now he’s gone.

So everyone that reads this please learn from my mistakes. Put your spouse first. The kids will be ok. They really will. Because even the ones that are very secure in their marriages can lose everything.

The Beginning

I realized that I actually found an outlet by writing my feelings on Facebook. Some good conversations were created. But Facebook may not quite be the place to do that. So here we are!

I’m going to use this blog to heal my broken heart. To find a way to find good in myself during and after divorce. Because sometimes that’s a hard thing to do.

I want to tell my story. I want to get my thoughts and feelings out in a constructive way. You don’t have to read but I hope if you do you will maybe understand me a little better through this really crappy time.

I want to start with this story:

We both went to Disneyland for our senior trips. I was walking down the hall at the hotel with my friend and an 18-year-old (he turned 19 on this trip) Jerame was walking with his friend in the other direction.   He says after we walked past each other he turned around and saw my butt in my short red shorts lol. Then he called to us and asked if we wanted to go to a party that night in his room. I asked if there would be alcohol there. He said, “do you want there to be?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “Then there won’t be.”

I asked, “Will there be drugs?”

He said, “Do you want there to be?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “Then there won’t be.”

So I agreed. Yes this is stupid. Going to the hotel room of a stranger! I never said I was a smart teenager! My mom will back me up on that! I definitely never made the right choices.

Well we went to his room and when we got there there was pot and alcohol so I said we were going to leave. He said there was none of that across the hall so we went to his friend’s room instead. We talked for a little bit and then I just jumped on him and kissed him. No judging. I wasn’t  best teenager. Anyway it was awful. We both admitted years later that that kiss was horrible!

Anyway grad night at Disneyland started late I believe. They closed the park for just graduates. We had talked about meeting up but people this was a time before cell phones! Wasn't actually a possibility. My friends and I stayed until the last bus left. As we boarded the bus there he was. His silly goofy self sitting in a seat by himself. Of course I sat next to him!

I’m assuming I went to his room with friends but to be honest I don’t remember the specifics. Can’t even remember if it was that night or the next night. We really didn’t sleep at all that week. I think my friends went across the hall again? Maybe Cindy or Nadene could clarify that one for me. Anyway yes we ended up in a room alone together (sorry mom). Again, not the best teenager! Don’t worry though everyone we didn’t have sex. But we did make out a little. Yep from the beginning he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him. Until recently I didn’t even know it was possible for him not to be attracted to me. 23 years of attraction. At least I think. I don’t really want to ask him. I probably don’t really want to know. It probably wouldn’t matter anyway. Knowing wouldn’t change anything. But I’ve always felt that he wanted me. Our attraction has always been so intense. We’ve always just fit perfectly.

We exchanged numbers. I found out he was renting a house in Sacramento with a friend and not at home with parents. What about that isn’t appealing to a small town Nevada girl that just wants out of being a small town girl? Plus this good looking guy?

We both went home after the trip of course. But we talked every day on the phone that summer. Well maybe that’s an exaggeration since long distance phone calls costed money back then. But we talked a lot. No cell phones. No texting. Real talking. With the cords connected to the walls! Ok again possible exaggeration. I’m pretty sure we had cordless phones by then. He even came to see me in Nevada once. We went out to sand mountain with his friends and brother. He rode me around on his dirt bike. We made out on the back side of the mountain. Attraction. Never a problem. Until now I guess.

To be continued....