I realized that I actually found an outlet by writing my feelings on Facebook. Some good conversations were created. But Facebook may not quite be the place to do that. So here we are!
I’m going to use this blog to heal my broken heart. To find a way to find good in myself during and after divorce. Because sometimes that’s a hard thing to do.
I want to tell my story. I want to get my thoughts and feelings out in a constructive way. You don’t have to read but I hope if you do you will maybe understand me a little better through this really crappy time.
I want to start with this story:
We both went to Disneyland for our senior trips. I was walking down the hall at the hotel with my friend and an 18-year-old (he turned 19 on this trip) Jerame was walking with his friend in the other direction. He says after we walked past each other he turned around and saw my butt in my short red shorts lol. Then he called to us and asked if we wanted to go to a party that night in his room. I asked if there would be alcohol there. He said, “do you want there to be?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then there won’t be.”
I asked, “Will there be drugs?”
He said, “Do you want there to be?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then there won’t be.”
So I agreed. Yes this is stupid. Going to the hotel room of a stranger! I never said I was a smart teenager! My mom will back me up on that! I definitely never made the right choices.
Well we went to his room and when we got there there was pot and alcohol so I said we were going to leave. He said there was none of that across the hall so we went to his friend’s room instead. We talked for a little bit and then I just jumped on him and kissed him. No judging. I wasn’t best teenager. Anyway it was awful. We both admitted years later that that kiss was horrible!
Anyway grad night at Disneyland started late I believe. They closed the park for just graduates. We had talked about meeting up but people this was a time before cell phones! Wasn't actually a possibility. My friends and I stayed until the last bus left. As we boarded the bus there he was. His silly goofy self sitting in a seat by himself. Of course I sat next to him!
I’m assuming I went to his room with friends but to be honest I don’t remember the specifics. Can’t even remember if it was that night or the next night. We really didn’t sleep at all that week. I think my friends went across the hall again? Maybe Cindy or Nadene could clarify that one for me. Anyway yes we ended up in a room alone together (sorry mom). Again, not the best teenager! Don’t worry though everyone we didn’t have sex. But we did make out a little. Yep from the beginning he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him. Until recently I didn’t even know it was possible for him not to be attracted to me. 23 years of attraction. At least I think. I don’t really want to ask him. I probably don’t really want to know. It probably wouldn’t matter anyway. Knowing wouldn’t change anything. But I’ve always felt that he wanted me. Our attraction has always been so intense. We’ve always just fit perfectly.
We exchanged numbers. I found out he was renting a house in Sacramento with a friend and not at home with parents. What about that isn’t appealing to a small town Nevada girl that just wants out of being a small town girl? Plus this good looking guy?
We both went home after the trip of course. But we talked every day on the phone that summer. Well maybe that’s an exaggeration since long distance phone calls costed money back then. But we talked a lot. No cell phones. No texting. Real talking. With the cords connected to the walls! Ok again possible exaggeration. I’m pretty sure we had cordless phones by then. He even came to see me in Nevada once. We went out to sand mountain with his friends and brother. He rode me around on his dirt bike. We made out on the back side of the mountain. Attraction. Never a problem. Until now I guess.
To be continued....
