I will be the first to admit that this separation and divorce have been really hard on me. I didn't see it coming. I completely lost control over my emotions, life, family. At first I couldn't go a day without crying. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to breathe because it hurt. I was devastated . . . shattered.
I had no idea how I was going to support myself, I only worked 2 days per week (at Jerame's suggestion, I might add, so Sophie wouldn't have to be in daycare full time). I have an Associate's Degree in paralegal studies and I love my job but to be honest I make less than a teacher when I'm full time. I wanted to get a bachelor's degree and then go on to law school but Jerame said no because he didn't like when I went to school because I was too busy and there was no law school in Pocatello and we had to stay in Pocatello for our businesses. I gave up my opportunities and future for what I thought was our future in the businesses. To make him successful. Jerame had bought a car for me that I couldn't afford the payment or the gas for. I couldn't afford my house. I brought home $800 per month if I was lucky. I felt like he set me up to fail. How was I going to support myself and my children?
When Jerame first left he told me that he would pay the house payment, car payment, medical and car insurance, and cell phone for me. He even had a settlement agreement drawn up that had most of those things listed. But first I have to tell another story:
In January I connected with an old friend who became a very supportive and helpful friend. I had no self confidence when Jerame left. I just knew I'd be alone forever. I felt old, fat, ugly. Who would want me? This friend helped me get my self confidence back. I didn't feel ugly anymore at least. We talked on the phone and texted. I went to visit him in Washington for a weekend. That weekend was amazing. I had someone open doors for me and make me feel special. I felt like someone finally cared about my feelings and my emotional health. He's going through some stuff in his life right now too so I feel like we can be there for each other. No it didn't turn into this amazing love story. It is what it is, a good friendship. But it was a nice weekend, I got a break from all the crap at home.
Well when Jerame found out I was talking to another man he flipped. He decided that he would no longer pay any of those things. He cut me off from our money. He decided all he would now give me is $500 per month in child support and I was on my own to make my way. In our divorce decree from 2013 (yes we have been divorced and remarried) I was awarded the house. I had to make sure to refinance it into my name only or sell it within six months I think. Well before that 6 months was over Jerame was living back with me. The business never got my name off of it and the house never got his name off of it. So now he is saying it's past the six months so I have to sell it. It doesn't matter that this is his kids' home. I have to sell it.
Now to the take charge part. I have realized that I can't afford my house. I can't afford the sometimes $400-$500 power bill each month. I can't take care of 3 1/2 acres by myself. I called a couple realtors and had them come by and give me some numbers and such. I know what I need to do. I am going to start getting the house ready to sell. I should have a decent amount to put down on a down payment for a downgrade, I really don't need 3800 square feet!
I talked to my boss about more hours and am this week starting my full time hours back. This will more than double my income.
I got an alarm system and changed my locks. I feel much safer now as a single mom in the middle of nowhere.
I arranged for full time daycare for Sophia. This I hate and have trouble finding the silver lining in. The guilt about this is ridiculous. I cancelled Sophie's preschool since I can't (1) get her to and from every Tuesday and Thursday anymore because of work, (2) her daycare has a preschool curriculum which she will now be there for every day, and (3) it saves me $65 per month.
I have deleted people that were my friends on Facebook to just spy for Jerame or to post things just to hurt me, including my husband. As far as I know he doesn't get on Facebook but he gets tagged in posts that are just hurtful to me. I don't need that garbage in my life.
My power bill was $800 behind. I found an organization here in town and they caught my power bill up. Still not completely on board with the food stamps thing . . . maybe I will soften if I still can't make ends meet after going full time.
In court Jerame agreed to keep paying my house payment and car payment, I agreed to pay everything else.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of months and am feeling pretty good about where I'm at emotionally. I feel better about myself. Jerame had almost convinced me that everything was my fault and that I was crazy for my emotions. I'm happy to report that that is not what my therapist concludes.
I am trying to focus on my kids. I need to take my focus away from my failed marriage. And I really need to work on being a good mom right now. They need me.
I am far from perfect. I still have my bad days. I still get moody. I still feel lonely. Last night I cried after everyone was asleep. I needed it. I hadn't done it in a while. I am finding the silver lining in things where at first I couldn't see it. I am taking back control of my life.
