Currently I am trying to (1) get a divorce, (2) have a relationship with my kids, (3) sell my house, and (4) find some stability. Unfortunately the stability doesn't come until 1, 2, and 3 are completed!
(1) Divorce - This is proving to be harder than I thought. Right now I feel like I am constantly being degraded and beat down. My parenting is being questioned by my husband and my kids. The funny thing is that I know all of them know I'm a good mom. Do I have emotions? Absolutely I do! And I show them. But honestly what is wrong with teaching your kids that those emotions are normal and ok and HEALTHY? Why does society think our emotions should be hidden?
My value is being questioned by my husband, my kids, and . . . yeah myself. I mean it isn't hard to see why my self esteem is so low. My husband left me for another woman. The exact kind of woman he always told me he didn't like. He always wanted me to be natural and wear minimal make-up. Honestly this woman wears about 6 inches of make-up and I'm pretty sure her face would crumble if slightly touched because it just might be made of powder. Fake hair, fake boobs, fake tan...totally fake. Nothing my husband ever wanted me to be. So yeah I feel like I wasn't good enough physically, my personality wasn't good enough, and my feelings weren't good enough. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. And if I though that before it is that ten times worse now. For instance, I texted Jerame to let him know that a company on a floor above my floor at work was going out of business and that they were giving away file cabinets if he needed any. What do you think his reply was? "No and don't text me anymore unless it's about the kids." Am I really nothing? Am I that insignificant that being nice is rewarded in that way? After 23 years and three kids he treats me as though I am nothing. He has to prove to his girlfriend that he is loyal to only her. Maybe that isn't a healthy girlfriend then. One that won't let you be civil to the mother of your children. That's great for our kids.
I am being told I don't deserve to live a comfortable life. I am lied to about how much he makes so he has to pay less child support. I am being lied to about money constantly. he has tried to sell my car out from under me several times. He thinks my car is too expensive when his truck costs more. I am not worthy of anything. And maybe he has me convinced.
(2) Having a Relationship with my Kids - Again this is a no brainer right? You'd think after everything I have done over the years for my family that this would be easy. It may actually be the hardest part of this process. My kids are broken. They are hurting. They are confused. They don't know who to please. I wish they knew it isn't their job to please anyone. They should just get to be kids. Unfortunately they are feeling emotions I can't even fathom. I always thought parenting was easy. It was with Lacey...I thought. But apparently everything I have done, every sacrifice I have made for my kids is not enough. Emma sang a song in church on Sunday for Mother's Day. It was beautiful and in it the tag line is "Mommy you're doing enough." All I could think was that that is not true in my case. Again everything I say and do is wrong. I can't do any right in their eyes. So I definitely am not doing enough. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally . . . exhausted. I can't win. I can't defend myself. I can't suggest anything. I have no money so it's their dad that is able to take them to do fun things. At my house we sit around and hope to scrounge up food. I'm boring.
(3) Selling the House - Ugh I hate this so much. First I love my house. None of my kids want to move out of it. I of course and the one being blamed for selling it even though I have to sell it because their dad left me. But it's my fault. Everything is my fault. I have to keep everything extra clean and work a full time job and be a mom to three kids. Again I am exhausted. I had a lot of showings the first week but no offers. The second week barely any showings. I can't get stable until I sell, know how much I will make, can find a new home, and know how much my monthly bills will total. None of that happens until I sell the house.
(4) Stability - I have trouble seeing this ever happening. I'm trying to do all of this alone. That's so hard. On top of everything I am having health issues that make me even more physically tired than usual. I can't be stable until all of the criteria above is met. It's been made clear that I am of no value to my kids or my husband. And maybe to my self either. I am constantly reminded of my short comings but never noticed for the good I do. I am under a microscope. It eventually wears on you. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to not cry.
I am being strong though. I have pushed through each wall that has been placed in my way so far. I keep saying I can't take any more and them another wall goes up showing me that I can. I don't want to but I can. I'm not strong by any means. This whole thing that has been going on for the last 7 months has broken me down. I've been shattered. I'm scared. But I seem to keep going, much to the chagrin of my husband and his trophy girlfriend.
