Well this has been a very long seven months. I have struggled with my actions and feelings. I have all but lost some of my children. I was with the same man for 23 years. I didn't want to let go of the life we had and the comfort we had.
Well I have started dating. In doing that I have come to realize that maybe the life we had wasn't so comfortable. It was just . . . blah. We didn't respect each other. We didn't worry about each other. We were married young and got into immature bad habits in our communication. Did I ever love him? I think so. Was he what I wanted for my future even when I was a little girl? No. Not at all. When I was little I wanted to be married to a man that could marry me in the temple. Oh how teenage years made me forget that.
That being said it wasn't all bad. Look at my beautiful girls. They are half him. They are amazing because they are who they are. And they are who they are because of both of us. We had good times. We had bad times. We had blah times.
But here I am now. All of the fighting over the last several months, what exactly was it for? It wasn't for possessions or even fairness. Honestly, it was for a life I was afraid to let go of. Not because of money or anything like that, but because it was what I knew. Change terrifies me. Was I happy? Definitely not. But I thought I was because it was what I knew. Not knowing what's next is scary.
For months before Jerame left I had gotten back into the church to find out for myself if it was true. I started wanting that temple marriage again and figuring I could maybe get Jerame there some day when he saw how happy the church was making me. He'd of course want that too right? Some pretty awesome things were happening and everything was making sense to me...except my marriage. I prayed every day for my marriage. It wasn't bad but I wanted it to be good. So I prayed that Jerame and I could "fix" our marriage. I prayed so hard. I was seeing answers to other prayers but this one was a work in progress.
Well then the day came, he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. But then at the front of my mind was this thought, "Oh no, is this the answer?" I wanted it fixed but fixed can mean so many things. I had prayed that we would figure things out with each other. Did that mean divorce? I wanted a temple marriage and honestly I wasn't convinced he would get me there. Was this the answer to my prayers. Of course that thought was pushed right out. No it was an answer but it was an answer in the form of a wake-up call. I was convinced this was the answer telling me I was neglecting my marriage. Ok then, I would change that. I would focus on him.
Well he didn't want that. He wanted someone else and with someone else comes a divorce. I fought tooth and nail. I wasn't going to let him go easily. He was going to see the mistake he made and I was going to make sure of it.
Through divorce proceedings, I also don't want to get taken advantage of, and he doesn't want to let material things go or buy me out of them. I want fair. I just want fair.
He asked me a week or so ago if he could come get some items from my house that he feels are his. Absolutely not I said! If he takes them then he will never be fair about the divorce. That's what I thought.
Crazy thing happened. I found someone. Finding someone made me realize that what I have always wanted is actually still possible after all the mistakes I have made in the past. I can have what I want and I can be treated so much better! And finding someone made me realize that I don't care. I just don't care. What was I really fighting over? Was it really money and possessions? Nope. It was fighting over letting go. I was afraid to let go. I thought that our life was the one I wanted. But now I realize the one I wanted when I was a little girl is the one I want now. Jerame will never get me to the temple. We weren't nice to each other. We just were. That's it. We existed. I don't want that life anymore. I don't care about pianos and four wheelers. I still want to be treated fairly in the divorce, don't get me wrong. But I guess I just don't care as much anymore if I'm not. Don't worry I'm not rolling over. I'm not giving up. But I am letting go. Letting go of the life I never really wanted anyway. Letting go of the pain. Letting go of the sadness. Yeah it took seven months but hey I was trying to let go of 23 years. That's a huge thing.
I told him to come pick up everything on his list. He knows I want it all sold and for us to split the profit. But I'm not letting it eat me up inside anymore. I don't want the things. I don't want our life together. I just want to be free. And not letting go was holding me back from so much.
I can see my future and it can be the one I wanted. It will never be the one I had but maybe that's actually a good thing. I can start fresh in my new house. I can start fresh with a new person. My family dynamic may change. But maybe that's actually good for me and my kids (I was convinced it was terrible for us!). I see camping in the future and it isn't in a huge fifth wheel. But honestly I was always the one that wanted the tent camping. So maybe I'm getting what I want finally. I'm happy and it's because I can actually see what's coming and I am so in love with it. I was fighting for the wrong thing. So I let go. And it feels amazing.
