So, again I am starting over. I'm sure it won't be the last time. But it still sucks.
I have come to terms with the fact that I might be alone for a while. Maybe forever. So it's time to depend on JUST me! I worry that maybe I am hoping for a relationship because I went from my parents taking care of me financially to Jerame taking care of me financially. I am not saying I didn't ever work to help make ends meet. And even when I stayed at home with the kids I contributed. But now it's up to me to do all the contributing. I don't want to rely on anyone else.
Yes I'm lonely. But I need to get used to that. I also don't want to rely on anyone else to validate me or make me feel good about myself.
I was treated like never before in a relationship. I mattered. I felt like a princess. But now that that's gone I need to figure out how to continue feeling like I matter and like a princess without anyone's help. Because I have found out I am not going to get any help in that area right now.
I do not make a "head-of-household" income. I make a supplemental income to someone else's income. I can make ends meet but that's about it. I need a car, but I can't afford a payment. The car I have needs new tires, but I can't afford them. I can't afford to take my kids to dinner without a credit card. I can't afford to make payments to my attorney who is now handling two cases for me. I have borrowed money from my parents and I am 42 years old and shouldn't be doing that! And honestly at the moment I have no way to pay them back. I need a real plan. A long term plan.
Well this week I re-applied to Idaho State University. While paralegal is a respectable job it cannot support me long term. I filled out my fafsa. I talked to an adviser and found out where I need to start for the program I plan on entering. I have mapped out a 3-4 year plan to making a real living. A comfortable living. I spent a lot of time talking to my parents about it and my therapist and everyone is on-board. It's going to be really hard. I will need help from my friends and family. And hopefully I don't destroy friendships along the way.
For the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually be ok. And that maybe I can actually take care of myself!
I have been in survival mode for a little over a year. I have made choices that have hurt people and made me look weak. Now I hope I can show my kids that I am strong. And I can be independent.
