What kind of mom?

 What kind of mom would give her kids away?  No good mother woukd ever do that right?  She must not love them enough.  She's a deadbeat. 

Well I will tell you what kind of good mom, that loves her kids unconditionally, would do that:

I don't want them to have to testify anymore.  I actually promised Emma I would do everything I could so that she didn't have to again.  I don't want them to feel like they have to choose. I don't want them in the middle anymore.  I don't want them to think I don't love them.  I don't want them to think I am mad.  So the only way I can stop them from having to make any choices is by letting them go.  

I gave up custody of my teenage girls to my ex-husband. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done.  But I read interviews they gave to the Court about all of this and it made me realize I have lost them. Emma wasn't as harsh as Aly but they both made it clear I have no place in their lives right now.  Maybe not ever. My attorney asked me to let him know what I thought about the interviews after I had read them.  There were exaggerations.  There were flat out lies.  I cried reading them. 

So I told my attorney I could combat everything they said.  I could answer each statement with one of my own.  That's how I have been doing this fight with my ex for 2 years. Answering and combating everything.  Always on the defense.  But I didn't want to do that with my girls. I really don't care what my ex thinks of me.  But I do care what my kids think.  Did I really want to open up the Pandora's box of "she's lying" or "that's not exactly accurate." Nope. So I told my attorney that what I thought about the interviews is that I have already lost them.  I told him to make an offer to my ex.  He can have them.  No more fighting.  No more contention.  The more I fight the worse everything gets.  The more I defend myself the more they (not necessarily just my girls) say about me.

My therapist told me to stop chasing them.  That I AM somebody without them. That they will come back to me.  I fear that even if they do, the damage has already been done. 

At least half of my heart is gone.  The last two years have broken me down and flushed me down the toilet.  I had a man that recently wanted to date me but told me I had more boundaries than anyone he had ever dated before.  Which is hilarious because nobody would have said that ten years ago! So I will take it as a compliment.  But he wanted more.  I had to tell him that I don't have any extra. I put on a smile every day and I laugh like my heart isn't shattered.  I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But if anyone could look inside me right now they would see a broken woman.  I have nothing to give anyone except Sophie right now.  She is my complete focus.

Maybe things will get easier. Maybe my girls will wander back, although their father has made it impossible for that to happen any time soon. Funny how he says he'd never keep them from seeing me but that's exactly what he's making sure of.  

But the fight is over.  He wins. She wins.  I guess most people expected them to win anyway.

I Will Be Waiting

 Well I'm a grandma.  One of my most beautiful treasures has created a new level of perfection.  Lacey has always been amazing.  Many of you watched her grow into an amazing woman. 

So what's it like to be a grandma?

Well for me, I have no clue.  I haven't met my perfect granddaughter, Lucie Michele. I have sent presents. I have seen pictures.  I have done screen shots of pictures.  I don't get them sent to me directly. I printed a couple and have them up at my desk at work.  She's absolutely perfect, but did we really think Lacey could produce anything less than perfect?

So far being a grandma is sad.  I missed out on one of the most important times in my daughter's life.  I missed her entire pregnancy.  I was the last to find out she was pregnant.  I was pushed out of everything a new grandma looks forward to.  I have been replaced.

Now, I know there are people out there that believe there is good in everyone. But unfortunately I have seen differently.  I have watched someone lie about so many things.  She knows I know she's lying but she has made sure that nobody believes me. I have been mocked and bullied.  She didn't just steal my husband she stole my children.  She can have the husband, he's shown his true colors.  But the girls were not ever up for grabs.  A woman I still have never met has made it her entire life's goal to destroy my life.  Why? No clue. No clue except she wanted my life. She saw someone that she believed had money with a big house and expensive truck and two businesses. She not only destroyed my family but she destroyed her own.  All because she was greedy.  She didn't care who died.  If they got in her way she'd plow them down. She gets what she wants. Even her own family knows how dishonest and evil she is. He has used everything we built together to take me down.  And no new mom, you don't get any credit for anything except being a selfish gold-digger.

I got in her way.  I tried to save my marriage.  She turned a man that I always thought was pretty honest into a lying hateful beast.  She was apparently right that he had money, he was just hiding it from me.  How else could he afford to continue to beat me down in Court? 

So how do I fix my shattered life?  I keep going.  I have been asked by several people how on Earth I keep going.  Because I know what they are trying to push me to do.  They've succeeded before. And he knows that my kids have been my life and are the best way to knock me down.  But instead of giving them what they want, I am walking away.  I am walking away from my kids.  I am walking away from my granddaughter.  I want nothing more than to have them all in my life but they have made it clear they don't want me in their lives.  They have a new mom that has made sure to turn them against their REAL mom. And no new mom, you could never love my kids more than me. Or even close to as much as me. 

What hurts the most is how easily my girls, that I did everything for, have no compassion or love for me. 

 But I can't fight anymore. Sophie needs me.  I have absolutely nothing left.  Financially he wins.  I can't compete.  Do you all know that one thing he is fighting in Court is that he says I owe him $60,000 for using our JOINT checking account to pay house payments and he wants all those payments back.  And he lived there too!  As did all our kids. Yes, he really wants to cheat and destroy our family and expects me to PAY him for it. 

I need to worry about Sophie now who you have all decided isn't worth your time.  She has no siblings at my house anymore.  None of you try to contact her.  None of you try to see her (unless you can do it in a way that hurts me and honestly not often). You use me as an excuse not to see her but we all know it's crap.  I have let you take her places that I am not so you all know that's an option.  But you don't even try. She won't have you to run to for her first broken heart because she won't have a connection or relationship with any of you.  I hurt so much for me.  But I hurt so much more for her.  Nobody has even stopped to think about what you are doing to her. But she has me.  Always will. And she deserves better. 

I love my Lacey.  Always have.  I love my Emma. Always have.  I love my Aly. Always have.  I still have unopened Christmas presents at my house for Emma and Aly. From your first breaths I have given all of me to you. I've always bragged about all of you because you are worth bragging about. I love you little Lucie and I hope some day I can meet you. And I always will love you all.  I'm always here for you. I will be waiting.