What kind of mom would give her kids away? No good mother woukd ever do that right? She must not love them enough. She's a deadbeat.
Well I will tell you what kind of good mom, that loves her kids unconditionally, would do that:
I don't want them to have to testify anymore. I actually promised Emma I would do everything I could so that she didn't have to again. I don't want them to feel like they have to choose. I don't want them in the middle anymore. I don't want them to think I don't love them. I don't want them to think I am mad. So the only way I can stop them from having to make any choices is by letting them go.
I gave up custody of my teenage girls to my ex-husband. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. But I read interviews they gave to the Court about all of this and it made me realize I have lost them. Emma wasn't as harsh as Aly but they both made it clear I have no place in their lives right now. Maybe not ever. My attorney asked me to let him know what I thought about the interviews after I had read them. There were exaggerations. There were flat out lies. I cried reading them.
So I told my attorney I could combat everything they said. I could answer each statement with one of my own. That's how I have been doing this fight with my ex for 2 years. Answering and combating everything. Always on the defense. But I didn't want to do that with my girls. I really don't care what my ex thinks of me. But I do care what my kids think. Did I really want to open up the Pandora's box of "she's lying" or "that's not exactly accurate." Nope. So I told my attorney that what I thought about the interviews is that I have already lost them. I told him to make an offer to my ex. He can have them. No more fighting. No more contention. The more I fight the worse everything gets. The more I defend myself the more they (not necessarily just my girls) say about me.
My therapist told me to stop chasing them. That I AM somebody without them. That they will come back to me. I fear that even if they do, the damage has already been done.
At least half of my heart is gone. The last two years have broken me down and flushed me down the toilet. I had a man that recently wanted to date me but told me I had more boundaries than anyone he had ever dated before. Which is hilarious because nobody would have said that ten years ago! So I will take it as a compliment. But he wanted more. I had to tell him that I don't have any extra. I put on a smile every day and I laugh like my heart isn't shattered. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But if anyone could look inside me right now they would see a broken woman. I have nothing to give anyone except Sophie right now. She is my complete focus.
Maybe things will get easier. Maybe my girls will wander back, although their father has made it impossible for that to happen any time soon. Funny how he says he'd never keep them from seeing me but that's exactly what he's making sure of.
But the fight is over. He wins. She wins. I guess most people expected them to win anyway.
