Reasons to Live

 Sophie. That’s all I’ve got. 

 Oh wow. So much has happened. I just went through some old unpublished posts and decided to post them. I know some people will love this post because I'm not in a good place right now. So hi Amy and Kathy. Enjoy and hopefully this makes you all feel validated in the part you played in helping someone destroy a life. 

I give up. I will never be good enough. I. Have. Nobody. And the harder I try to create connections with people I love, the more I fail. 

I've been busy. I got remarried which increased my children by 4. Honestly, my kids don't matter to him and that's one of our biggest problems. I feel like I have shown that his kids matter to me. But I'm sure I'm as inadequate in that as I have been in showing my own kids. With my own kids, I am not cutting it whether I try or not. I don't get thanks yous for gifts I send them or my grand kids. They don't care what's going on in my life. If I ask anything about their life I am annoying and if I don't call or text I must not care. No information on their lives is given without me prying it from them. They are hell bent on making sure I have nothing to do with them no matter how much I want to be part of their lives. It punishment for having a breakdown when my ex-husband left me.

 I have a daughter that hasn't talked to me in 5 years. Can you believe that? Nothing I ever did for her matters. She actually testified once that I was never there watching her cheer practices I have videos to disprove that. I know other parents remember me there. She even used to get mad at me for being there too much. 

I was there for EVERYTHING for my kids until they wouldn't let me be anymore. I threw extravagant birthday parties for them. I signed them up for anything they wanted to try. I was their biggest cheerleader. I video taped ever cheer performance so I could send it to that daughter so she could critique it. I cuddled, I bathed. I taught them to shave their legs and use a tampon. I did their homework with them. I could lay on the couch with no spare room, and Aly would cuddle into the smallest part just o be with me. I laughed with them. I played with them. I took the pictures. I planned the vacations (and even did that wrong I was told). I got up early to do cheer makeup and hair when they were too young to do it themselves (and no I was not exactly talented in it, but I tried).  I made sure they had the best clothes for school. And new school supplies every year. And the snacks they wanted from the store. I would take them to get snow cones and ice cream. I'd schedule play dates and sleepovers for them. I was "mom" to their friends.

I have been told that I either worked too much and wasn't there enough or that I didn't contribute financially and that their dad provided everything. Well it can't be both ways. I have been told I am too strict or too lenient. Again, it can't be both ways. No matter what I do or did it will never and never was good enough. 

I had a big breakdown when I caught my husband cheating and he left me. He took EVERYTHING! He told me he would destroy my life and I'll be damned if he didn't do it. Our marriage wasn't perfect but it wasn't what he told everyone while trying to destroy me either. He destroyed me to my kids, to our friends, and to family. All these people that saw me regularly with my kids and saw everything I did for them, were easily persuaded by this man. Even still are after his death. He even got my kids to destroy me publicly and privately.

Yes, he died. And I will admit I had the biggest roller coaster of emotions when he did. He was my life for 23 year. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't even always good. But it was mostly good. When it was bad it was bad but it was mostly good. I mourned this man for years after our separation and ultimate divorce.

My family is so jealous of my life (ha ha) that they don't even answer calls or texts anymore. Except my mom and dad. They are literally all I have, and unfortunately that won't be a whole lot longer either. My kids want to know nothing about my life. And even they hardly answer calls or texts. I admit Emma is the best at answering but I even rarely get to talk to her. 

This is rambling. I'm sorry. Not sure I can even post this. 

I'm getting a divorce. It hasn't even been 2 years. We are highly incompatible. He is talking crap about me to his family and kids to try to make it all my fault. It's fine. I've been there before. I don't actually need anyone. I know that. But I feel like a prisoner in the house I live in because I can't even come out of my room without seeing the kids look at me like I am a monster. Yep I think he needs to hold his oldest accountable for taking care of himself and suffer the consequences for his laziness and choices. Call me a monster. I think we should be a partnership yet I'm living in a dictatorship. I think we should be equals instead of me being lower because I am a woman living in HIS house. I was told today that he makes the rules because it's his house and he makes the payment. It doesn't matter that I pay for EVERYTHING else. Including his daughter's braces and all they kids' school clothes and supplies. And everyone's cell phones. All dinners out. Electricity. Internet. FOOD! I was told I pay for NONESSENTIALS so I have less say than he does. Great partnership right? I make more than he does and contribute way more than he does. I pay for holidays and birthdays. This is the man that refused to get a house that could be OUR house when we were first married. Why? Control. Then he could say that he has final say in all. Actually he told me when we were first married that the Mormon church says the man has the final say. 

OK and about church. I can't be ok with a church that thinks that. Now, I have seen my husband quote scripture and twist it to what he wants it to mean. So I can't totally blame the Mormon church. But he's not wrong that they do kind of hint at that. I am struggling with his interpretations. They are helping to push me away from the church. 

What about Sophie. I need to do what's best for her. How do I leave my husband and not make her switch schools again? Is it better for her to be closer to her dad so we should move to Idaho Falls? Or back to Pocatello? Honestly I have very little left in Pocatello because of the destroying of my life I spoke of earlier. I have a handful of people there that I still matter to. Do I try to stay in Blackfoot? Do I need to change my work hours? I can't leave her alone all night. Can I buy a house? Do I need to rent? I'm stuck.

And. I. Have. Nobody.

You

 You made my life complete.  You taught me what it is to love so deeply that it hurts. It hurts so bad. I keep trying and trying but it's never enough.  It doesn't even get me in the door.

I watched you with your little girl tonight.  I could tell you were getting tired and I wanted nothing more than to take her and give you a break.  But I knew you wouldn't want that.  You've always been so stubborn.  But with your parents I guess that is to be expected. The way she looked at you tonight was pure love.  You used to look at me like that.  I used to be your world, day and night, and you were mine.  I hope you know that the way you feel about her is exactly how I feel about you. There was nobody more perfect than you.  I wonder if you know I still think you're perfect.  I couldn't have had an easier first born.  You always tried your hardest at everything. 

And you, I was afraid to have a number two.  Could I be good enough for both of you? I know I fell short but you never did.  You could light up the room with your smile and deep laugh.  And of course those big eyes melted my heart the first time they looked at me.  You were so loved from the moment you were tried for.  I wanted you so badly.  Together you both became my day and night.  And there was nobody more perfect than the two of you.  You're both still so perfect.

And then you, my surprise.  I didn't expect to be blessed with you so easily. But the Lord knew I needed you. You were the one that could fit into the smallest space just to be near me.  You were the comedian in the family and could make everyone laugh.  You had to share my lap with my number two because you were so close together.  You three became my day and night. And there was nobody more perfect than the three of you.  You're all still so perfect.

And then the biggest surprise, you.  I didn't know how much I needed you and I probably don't appreciate how much I still need you.  You give me purpose in the darkness.  You are my day and night. You four are my day and night.  There is nobody more perfect than the four of you.  You're all still so perfect.

So I am making a decision that has taken me years to get to.  I will make a life with number four and it will be a good one.  I will keep her my day and night because she deserves and needs it.  One, two, and three are blowing in the wind and as hard as I try I cannot catch you.  You don't want to be caught.  So I'll let you blow for a while and hope you blow back home.

What kind of mom?

 What kind of mom would give her kids away?  No good mother woukd ever do that right?  She must not love them enough.  She's a deadbeat. 

Well I will tell you what kind of good mom, that loves her kids unconditionally, would do that:

I don't want them to have to testify anymore.  I actually promised Emma I would do everything I could so that she didn't have to again.  I don't want them to feel like they have to choose. I don't want them in the middle anymore.  I don't want them to think I don't love them.  I don't want them to think I am mad.  So the only way I can stop them from having to make any choices is by letting them go.  

I gave up custody of my teenage girls to my ex-husband. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done.  But I read interviews they gave to the Court about all of this and it made me realize I have lost them. Emma wasn't as harsh as Aly but they both made it clear I have no place in their lives right now.  Maybe not ever. My attorney asked me to let him know what I thought about the interviews after I had read them.  There were exaggerations.  There were flat out lies.  I cried reading them. 

So I told my attorney I could combat everything they said.  I could answer each statement with one of my own.  That's how I have been doing this fight with my ex for 2 years. Answering and combating everything.  Always on the defense.  But I didn't want to do that with my girls. I really don't care what my ex thinks of me.  But I do care what my kids think.  Did I really want to open up the Pandora's box of "she's lying" or "that's not exactly accurate." Nope. So I told my attorney that what I thought about the interviews is that I have already lost them.  I told him to make an offer to my ex.  He can have them.  No more fighting.  No more contention.  The more I fight the worse everything gets.  The more I defend myself the more they (not necessarily just my girls) say about me.

My therapist told me to stop chasing them.  That I AM somebody without them. That they will come back to me.  I fear that even if they do, the damage has already been done. 

At least half of my heart is gone.  The last two years have broken me down and flushed me down the toilet.  I had a man that recently wanted to date me but told me I had more boundaries than anyone he had ever dated before.  Which is hilarious because nobody would have said that ten years ago! So I will take it as a compliment.  But he wanted more.  I had to tell him that I don't have any extra. I put on a smile every day and I laugh like my heart isn't shattered.  I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But if anyone could look inside me right now they would see a broken woman.  I have nothing to give anyone except Sophie right now.  She is my complete focus.

Maybe things will get easier. Maybe my girls will wander back, although their father has made it impossible for that to happen any time soon. Funny how he says he'd never keep them from seeing me but that's exactly what he's making sure of.  

But the fight is over.  He wins. She wins.  I guess most people expected them to win anyway.

I Will Be Waiting

 Well I'm a grandma.  One of my most beautiful treasures has created a new level of perfection.  Lacey has always been amazing.  Many of you watched her grow into an amazing woman. 

So what's it like to be a grandma?

Well for me, I have no clue.  I haven't met my perfect granddaughter, Lucie Michele. I have sent presents. I have seen pictures.  I have done screen shots of pictures.  I don't get them sent to me directly. I printed a couple and have them up at my desk at work.  She's absolutely perfect, but did we really think Lacey could produce anything less than perfect?

So far being a grandma is sad.  I missed out on one of the most important times in my daughter's life.  I missed her entire pregnancy.  I was the last to find out she was pregnant.  I was pushed out of everything a new grandma looks forward to.  I have been replaced.

Now, I know there are people out there that believe there is good in everyone. But unfortunately I have seen differently.  I have watched someone lie about so many things.  She knows I know she's lying but she has made sure that nobody believes me. I have been mocked and bullied.  She didn't just steal my husband she stole my children.  She can have the husband, he's shown his true colors.  But the girls were not ever up for grabs.  A woman I still have never met has made it her entire life's goal to destroy my life.  Why? No clue. No clue except she wanted my life. She saw someone that she believed had money with a big house and expensive truck and two businesses. She not only destroyed my family but she destroyed her own.  All because she was greedy.  She didn't care who died.  If they got in her way she'd plow them down. She gets what she wants. Even her own family knows how dishonest and evil she is. He has used everything we built together to take me down.  And no new mom, you don't get any credit for anything except being a selfish gold-digger.

I got in her way.  I tried to save my marriage.  She turned a man that I always thought was pretty honest into a lying hateful beast.  She was apparently right that he had money, he was just hiding it from me.  How else could he afford to continue to beat me down in Court? 

So how do I fix my shattered life?  I keep going.  I have been asked by several people how on Earth I keep going.  Because I know what they are trying to push me to do.  They've succeeded before. And he knows that my kids have been my life and are the best way to knock me down.  But instead of giving them what they want, I am walking away.  I am walking away from my kids.  I am walking away from my granddaughter.  I want nothing more than to have them all in my life but they have made it clear they don't want me in their lives.  They have a new mom that has made sure to turn them against their REAL mom. And no new mom, you could never love my kids more than me. Or even close to as much as me. 

What hurts the most is how easily my girls, that I did everything for, have no compassion or love for me. 

 But I can't fight anymore. Sophie needs me.  I have absolutely nothing left.  Financially he wins.  I can't compete.  Do you all know that one thing he is fighting in Court is that he says I owe him $60,000 for using our JOINT checking account to pay house payments and he wants all those payments back.  And he lived there too!  As did all our kids. Yes, he really wants to cheat and destroy our family and expects me to PAY him for it. 

I need to worry about Sophie now who you have all decided isn't worth your time.  She has no siblings at my house anymore.  None of you try to contact her.  None of you try to see her (unless you can do it in a way that hurts me and honestly not often). You use me as an excuse not to see her but we all know it's crap.  I have let you take her places that I am not so you all know that's an option.  But you don't even try. She won't have you to run to for her first broken heart because she won't have a connection or relationship with any of you.  I hurt so much for me.  But I hurt so much more for her.  Nobody has even stopped to think about what you are doing to her. But she has me.  Always will. And she deserves better. 

I love my Lacey.  Always have.  I love my Emma. Always have.  I love my Aly. Always have.  I still have unopened Christmas presents at my house for Emma and Aly. From your first breaths I have given all of me to you. I've always bragged about all of you because you are worth bragging about. I love you little Lucie and I hope some day I can meet you. And I always will love you all.  I'm always here for you. I will be waiting.

Biggest Fears

 Biggest fears seem to become a reality in my life.  I was always afraid of fires and that my house would burn down. Well that happened.  I was always afraid my husband would cheat on me.  Well that happened.

But my very biggest fear has always been losing my kids. I always worried about kidnapping or death.  I was the hovering mom that didn't let her kids out of her sight. I was always catching the beginning walker before she hit the floor.  I was there even when they didn't want me to be.  I always feared that something would happen to my kids.  Well it didn't happen the way would have I expected but my biggest fear has come to fruition.  Despite all the fighting I have done and money I have spent to prevent this from happening, it has happened. My girls won't talk to me and don't even want to see me.  My ex-husband is fighting to keep them from me forever.  Sophie's dad has even jumped on the bandwagon and is trying to take Sophie from me.  The motivation for my ex-husband is revenge and money, not concern for the kids.  He has constantly forced a wedge between me and my three older girls.  The amount of alienation, which I do have proof of, is overwhelming.  I didn't have a chance.  He can out-money me and he can out talk me. But the bottom line is, I have lost my kids for demanding respect as their mother and daring to have an opinion. 

Right now a court has decided that it is healthier for my kids to be without me than with me.  But after the judge says this she dares to say that she wants us to get to a better place and be a family that works together.  Yep a year without my kids will definitely make that happen.  Especially when their father will use that time to completely poison their minds.

Here's what really upsets me.  There are kids out there that are really abused by their parents.  Kids that do not have a mother that even bothers to check her kids' grades.  There are mothers out there that neglect their kids.  I am not that mother. CPS has investigated me as have the police and all CPS reports have been closed as "unfounded" and no charges have ever been pressed by the police against me for any reason. But the judge, because I slapped my daughter for telling me that her step-mom, who by-the-way hasn't been in their lives much longer than a year, was her mom, decides I shouldn't be able to see or talk to my kids for a year.  She acknowledged the parental alienation committed by my ex-husband but said that she wouldn't consider it at this hearing because we weren't in court for that.  But I disagree.  The alienation is what led to everything that has happened.  The constant encouragement for the kids to disrespect me. Alienation is far more damaging to the kids than a slap.   Not even those actual abusive parents lose complete contact with their kids.  I did everything to raise my kids and their step-mom just came in to steal my entire family.  She is the epitome of evil.  My kids will continue to be poisoned and unfortunately not just by their dad and step-mom but by their older sister too.  I have lived and breathed for my kids for 23 years.  I get no recognition for all I have done to shape them and nurture them.  They would probably be fine if I were dead.  None of them have told me anything different.  No matter the encouragement I have always given them they can't even give me that.

The worst part is that this is all about money for their dad.  He has filed an appeal on our divorce for MONEY! He really thinks I owe him $60,000.  Yes the one that took everything from me wants even more! It's like he thinks I should pay him for cheating on me and destroying our family.  But he doesn't stop at money.  He knows that the one thing that will completely destroy me is losing my kids.  And now he has made that a reality.  He doesn't want to pay me child support and would love if I had to pay him.  He wants me to pay him over $650 per month.  That would leave me with about $1500 a month to live on.  Anyone out there think that's possible?

I am going to be a grandma in a couple days.  This is an event I have always looked forward to sharing with my kids.  But that has been robbed from me as well.  I will be a grandma but I won't get to actually be a grandma. I was so good to my kids.  They were always loved and hugged and encouraged by me.

I watched "The Client" the other day. Good movie.  But there is a scene where Susan Sarandon tells a story similar to mine, except the alcoholism.  Her kids have decided they don't want to see her anymore.  She said she didn't have the money to fight her ex and his high dollar attorney but she had thought all the years of her taking them to their activities and being there for them every day would count for something. And the judge took her kids away from her.  I cried listening to that scene.  Because the pain was so raw.  Bottom line, it doesn't matter what you have done for your kids.  It doesn't matter how much you have put your own future on hold to be there for them and shape them.  Because the judge will do what not even CPS or the police would have done.  She has cemented the alienation.  She has made sure to send the message to my kids that they don't need to respect me.  She has sent the message to my kids that I am exactly what their father said, abusive.  She has made sure that my kids will never have a relationship with their mother.  She has sent the message to my kids that their actions don't matter, just mine.  She has sent the message to my kids that they can do whatever they want to me and that their father has all the power to decide my relationship with them.  So thank you judge for destroying my kids.  I was the one that cared about grades and monitored social media.  I was the one that took them to church and gave them morals and values while their dad was getting drunk and sitting in front of the tv.  I nurtured their friendships by keeping them involved and arranging for them to play with their frineds. I was the one that wanted them to know that they are absolutely beautiful and that they didn't need to wear fake eyelashes to prove it. You think I'm a bad parent, guess we'll find out how wonderful their father isn't.  The one I raised turned out amazing.  Kids need their mother.  And you have taken that from them. For what? A SLAP!  But mental abuse such as parental alienation is much more damaging and you are allowing that to continue.

I don't want anyone to think I blame my kids for any of this.  I do feel like maybe they should have had my back a little more and defended me.  But the blame for this is on their father and step-mom.  They have decided they want me to do to myself what her husband did to himself.  Suicide.  And they have thrown everything at me that they can think of. They continually beat me down, spread rumors about me, and manipulate my kids into hating me and thinking I am "bat shit crazy". To be honest I don't think I can take anymore.  But without my kids, what purpose is there to life anyway? 

So congratulations to the man that always told me I was a good mom.  The man that never seemed to worry about our kids for the 20 years I raised them basically by myself while he sat in front of the tv or worked until after they were in bed.  Congratulations to the man that has made sure to hurt and destroy me at all costs, including hurting his own kids to do it.  Congratulations to the man that I trusted being a parent with.  To the man that has thrown our kids against walls (literally not figuratively), scarred one for life because he lost his temper and hit her face on the kitchen table (next time you see my third child be sure to look at her bottom lip and the scar he left), punched holes in walls numerous times in their presence, physically assaulted a pregnant woman, and can't keep his dick in his pants.  You win.  You have made my greatest fear come to life.  And I didn't even see it coming. And to both you and your wicked bride Kathy, you may get just what you want, what you pushed Ben into, because without my kids I have nothing.  If I lose my baby anyway.

What happens when I die

 This is in no way an official will and I know it would not be valid.  But I do want to make clear my intentions if I die before any of my my children are 18.  I don't have a lot but I do have a little.  I am worried that if something happens to me, while my kids would be my beneficiaries, their fathers would ultimately have control over their portions of my estate.

For that reason I will be creating a trust in my will that holds their portions of my estate until they are 18 or 20.  I haven't decided the age.  I want the money to go to them and not their fathers.  I expect my children will receive nothing from their fathers if they pass because they are both married and would leave it all to their wives and ultimately their wives would leave everything to their own children, and not my and his kids.  So this is my way of taking care of my kids' futures.  

The Trustee would probably be my sister because I know she won't be bullied to release the money early for any reason to their fathers.