Me time

I tend to blog more when I'm lonely! For 20 years I had at least one of my kids every single day. Sure Jerame and I went places alone and there were times my kids went to visit family so this isn't 100% literal. But I was a mom every single day.  I had contact with my kids every single day.

Its hard to have them gone every other week.  Being a mom has been my world! I really don't have contact with them when they're gone.  Only one of my kids actually responds to my texts! So it's not for lack of trying. Sophie would respond but she is only six. She doesn't really have any way to and it has been clear I am not welcome to call her while she is gone.

I have recently been made to look like a bad mom for desperately trying to hold on to my family. And my words have been twisted and so many lies have been spread. I honestly feel like I have nobody close to me.  My family is too far away. I'm ganged up on constantly by men and women that just want to see me fail.

I am back in school. I am fully aware that this will be used against me.  Making a better life for myself just makes the haters hate even more. They use it against me for custody.  Let me assure everyone I am very aware of time with my kids even though I have a lot on my plate right now.  They have always come first and they will continue to come first. But if I stay where I am and can't make ends meet that would be used against me too. I honestly can't win either way.  No matter what I do I will it will always be twisted to look bad.  It's really hard when everyone is rooting for you to fail.

I have had some amazing moments with my kids this week. Emma and Aly have both come into my room to talk to me. Not about anything huge just to talk! I sat in Emma's room until 2:00 in the morning. I'm not sure everyone know how absolutely amazing my girls are.  We have had some good talks about racism and religion. I felt connected to them both this week.

My oldest and I have not been doing great lately. There are valid reasons on her side and there are valid reasons on my side. But that doesn't mean I love her any less.  That girl has been by my side through a lot of stuff and she is an amazing daughter.  I do believe there are a lot of misunderstandings on both sides right now.  I also believe some of the things we have both said are unfair. I am not sure our relationship will ever be what it used to be but she is still my baby.  She was first to call me Mom. She was the first to need me.  And I believe, although she may disagree, that she still needs me. And I need her.

Emma has been such a delight to have around lately.  She's always been my most sensitive and empathetic.  And this has hurt her in many ways.  She just feels too much.  It is such a beautiful quality yet it is sometimes very hard for her. Recently we have had some amazing talks.  We connect over Supernatural. We connect over food. I know she feels it too.  Emma has become more than a daughter.  She has become my friend.

Alyson is just amazing at everything she touches. Well until it has to do with jumping off a roof into a pool then she breaks what she touches! The only one that I have ever seen that may come close to her drive is Lacey.  She may have surpassed Lacey in drive though.  Sorry Lace. That kid pushes herself to progress in everything. And Aly can make anybody laugh with her goofy antics.  Her tiktoks are hilarious.  If you haven't had the chance to see any you really should check her out.  It melts my heart when she comes into my room and sits on my bed and we talk. It doesn't even matter how late it is.

Sophia is my angel.  She truly was sent to me to save me.  I had thought she was sent to repair our broken family because she definitely did do that for a while.  Now that our family is broken again I know why she was really sent to me.  She was sent to me purely for me. Her witty comments make me both proud and laugh.  She is quite the genius. When I feel like I have nothing left I look at her and realize that she is worth continuing to be a better me.  She is worth making my life better.  She is worth getting out of bed for. She is so unconditionally loving.  She loves everyone.  She just wants everyone to be happy.  I try every day to make her happy because she deserves it.

So this week while I sit at home alone, I will just try to be ok with some me time.  I haven't had a lot of me time in the last 21 years.  So maybe it's ok that I have some now.  Not sure quite what to do with me time but I'm sure I will eventually figure it out. Probably should stay off the blog though!

Goals

I want a partner. I want a man that respects me. I don’t want to be alone. But sometimes I don’t really have the choice. And right now I don’t have the choice.

I honestly don’t have time for a dating life but that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone by my side. It’s lonely. I think I fall too hard too fast. This is the first time in years that I would consider myself single. Not even a prospect out there. Wouldn’t even know where to find one! Online sucks. I don’t really know where to go to meet someone (maybe I should try the gym like my ex-husband did while we were married still...I kid)!

But right now I have goals that make it really hard to date anyway. Between working full time, my kids, my house, and going back to school I have no time for dating! I’d like to not be doing this alone but here I am....mowing the lawn.

I actually had to look up videos on YouTube to figure out how to start the lawn mower! Yep I have not mowed a lawn in a long time and when I did it was a riding lawn mower that my ex would start for me! I have on my list to figure out the weed eater. But holy crap when I turned that thing on it scared the crap out of me! That’s going to take some time! Outside chores have never really been my job. As my sister says, they’re blue jobs. The pink jobs, cleaning, cooking, kids, are all jobs I’m used to! But adding the blue jobs to the pink jobs really makes for a lot to do! Add working and school and making time for my kids and I’m freaking dead!

Anyway I hope to get a career that I can support myself with. I’ve always had the supplemental income job. It doesn’t cut it as a main income though! That’s been clear for a while! I don’t want to look for a man because I need help financially. I haven’t done that so don’t go thinking I’m a gold digger. But I won’t deny that I have thought about how much easier it would be with two incomes.

But dang it’s lonely to be alone! I want a healthy relationship where we both respect each other. I also want to matter to someone. With all the crap going on with my kids I honestly feel like I only matter to my youngest, Sophie. But she is six and she certainly doesn’t need to take on my feelings so it’s kinda hard to talk to a six year old when you’re having a bad day! It’s hard to not have someone but to also not have anyone is even harder!

I think I need a vacation...oh that’s right, I don’t have time!

I've got this!

So, again I am starting over.  I'm sure it won't be the last time.  But it still sucks.

I have come to terms with the fact that I might be alone for a while.  Maybe forever. So it's time to depend on JUST me! I worry that maybe I am hoping for a relationship because I went from my parents taking care of me financially to Jerame taking care of me financially.  I am not saying I didn't ever work to help make ends meet.  And even when I stayed at home with the kids I contributed.  But now it's up to me to do all the contributing.  I don't want to rely on anyone else.

Yes I'm lonely. But I need to get used to that. I also don't want to rely on anyone else to validate me or make me feel good about myself. 

I was treated like never before in a relationship.  I mattered.  I felt like a princess. But now that that's gone I need to figure out how to continue feeling like I matter and like a princess without anyone's help.  Because I have found out I am not going to get any help in that area right now.

I do not make a "head-of-household" income.  I make a supplemental income to someone else's income.  I can make ends meet but that's about it.  I need a car, but I can't afford a payment.  The car I have needs new tires, but I can't afford them. I can't afford to take my kids to dinner without a credit card.  I can't afford to make payments to my attorney who is now handling two cases for me. I have borrowed money from my parents and I am 42 years old and shouldn't be doing that! And honestly at the moment I have no way to pay them back. I need a real plan.  A long term plan.

Well this week I re-applied to Idaho State University.  While paralegal is a respectable job it cannot support me long term.  I filled out my fafsa.  I talked to an adviser and found out where I need to start for the program I plan on entering.  I have mapped out a 3-4 year plan to making a real living.  A comfortable living.  I spent a lot of time talking to my parents about it and my therapist and everyone is on-board.  It's going to be really hard.  I will need help from my friends and family. And hopefully I don't destroy friendships along the way.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually be ok.  And that maybe I can actually take care of myself!

I have been in survival mode for a little over a year.  I have made choices that have hurt people and made me look weak.  Now I hope I can show my kids that I am strong.  And I can be independent.

Did you know?

Did you know that kids can affect your romantic relationships? If I have learned anything it’s that I am not ready for a romantic relationship. At least not until things with my kids settle down. I’ve had so much said about me that is so painful and shocking. But when it’s turned on a man in my life it makes him leave. To protect himself. To protect his kids. And I’m again alone without any allies. Who has my back? Nobody wants to get involved to have my back. And the one person that was easy in my life is gone.

I’m not interested in finding anyone else right now. I’m especially not interested in finding the type of person my ex has found. One that wants revenge and to hurt people and doesn’t care who they take down in the process (including children). But I do want someone that has my back and can be strong for me. Because right now I am finding it really hard to be strong through most of this.

I’ve got this. I know I can do it alone. Is it wrong that I don’t want to? Is it wrong that I want unconditional love? Is it wrong that I sometimes need someone to lean on?

But holy shit can it get any worse? I keep thinking there is no way it can get worse and then more bullshit gets dropped on me.

I’m fully aware that my blog sometimes hurts people. And that isn’t my intention. I am also fully aware that people think I do it to get sympathy and to play the victim. Honestly it’s my therapy. It’s my way of trying to make sense of where in the hell I went wrong. I’m not saying I can’t see my past mistakes. I can. And some of them were big mistakes. But I can’t see what I did to deserve everything that’s happening to me. I have literally lost everything.

And legally, that’s exhausting! And expensive! I don’t make much and the attorney bills are piling up.  But what else do I do? Give up on my kids? Stop fighting for my kids? Seriously what do I do? I’m pretty sure the attorney will stop doing things for me soon since I owe him so much money. So I will lose anyway.

The man that I thought would never do all of this stuff to me won’t stop. He won’t leave me alone. He calls people that have nothing to do with his life and are part of my life only to make my life even harder. Why can’t he just leave me alone? He wins. I have lost the only man that I feel has ever loved me deeply because of all the bullshit. I have lost any stability I ever had. I have lost my children. The girls that slept in my bed until they were 5, 10, and 8. The ones I worked so hard to conceive (except Aly, she was easy).

And oh my gosh Aly. That kid could fit into the smallest area just to be close to me. My sister used to call her my hemorrhoid because she was always stuck to me. The one that I had to pull out of preschool because she didn’t want to leave me.

I carried them all for nine months. I gave birth to them all. I nursed them all. I’ve literally lost everything.

My Side of the Story

I think the main reason I keep this blog is because I feel like nobody ever wants or listens to my side of the story.  Everyone (law, friends, family) supports a man bullying a woman just because he has more money and can buy followers. He has more money and can pay top dollar for a dishonest and unethical attorney to help him destroy a good person.  All to divert the blame away from himself. All to make him feel better about what he's done.

My voice is not heard. I have no money left. My side of the story isn't even heard in Court and his version is automatically taken as gospel.  Friends don't ask me for my side and actually help him spread his lies.

Why? Because he's the man? Because he is more powerful? Because he has more money? Because they are afraid of what he will do to them if they don't?

He has made my children hate me.  That evil woman is welcome to replace me as wife because he is the last person I ever want to touch or talk to again. But she doesn't get to replace me as mother.  I don't know what I ever did to her to make her decided to pick on me but she is evil.

She doesn't get to replace the 20 years that I was the primary caregiver for my children.  She doesn't get to replace all the love that I have given my children.  She doesn't get to replace every minute I have spent hurting for my kids for things that others have done to them.  In fact she has damaged my kids beyond repair by destroying their home and life.

I have stood up for my kids.  I had Lacey's bully's mom text me and I defended my daughter and still do. I have made sure the girls make the most of themselves.  I got Emma's paperwork done for Honor Society.  My fiance found her service to do for National Honor Society.  I have encouraged good grades.  I have made sure the girls are active in activities.  I have been the one to volunteer in their classrooms. I have been the one to throw them birthday parties.  I have been the one to make sure they go to other kids' birthday parties.  I have been the one to get them what they need.  I have been the one to make sure they are healthy.  Nobody can take my place.

I am unappreciated by my children for everything I have done.  My daughter told me I wasn't remotely motherly.  Then when I listed all of the things I have done for them she told me that doesn't make me motherly because that's stuff a mother is supposed to do. Guess what! Some mother's don't do any of it!

I let them sleep in my bed until they were 8-years-old.  They wanted to be with me.  Nobody can take that away.

Everyone is so quick to judge based on a one-sided biased story. Maybe ask for my side.  There is way more to it than the lies and embellishments portrayed by an evil home-wrecking woman and the man that let her destroy his family and kids. And more to the story than what kids who are trying to make themselves not look bad portray. More than kids that have been manipulated by two evil people into disregarding anything their mother has ever done for them.  For devaluing everything she has ever done for those children.

A woman that I called a friend has been helping spread these lies for my ex-husband. She hasn't even asked for my side before spreading them. What is wrong with people? Why is it so fun to tear someone down?  To destroy a good person?

So all I ask before you pass judgment (and I even ask my daughters, especially my oldest, for this mercy) is please ask for my side before telling the world. Maybe there is more to the story than you are being told.  It's a snapshot.  It's not complete.

I can't buy them iPhones.  I can't buy them Crumble Cookies daily.  I can't buy them name brand.  I can't compete financially.  But I do give them my heart.  I just want a piece of their's in return.  Some loyalty.  Some compassion.  I give all of those things to them.  Just because I am the mother and they are the kids doesn't mean that they shouldn't return these things.

I am a good mother.  I am human.  I make mistakes. But I am a good mother.

Crushing

Breathing is crushing me. Feelings are crushing me. Fear is crushing me. Life is crushing me.

I honestly find it almost unbearable to even breathe. I keep going and continue to breathe anyway. Why? My kids. That’s pretty much all anymore. My kids.

Yes depression is real. Some people never get rid of it but can manage it with medication. That’s me. I handle it with medication. But situations still come along to make things worse. Like right now. It’s crushing.

After I had Lacey is when I really started feeling it. Baby blues? Maybe. But I do believe my depression started before she was even born. And I have been on medication pretty much since she was born. It helps regulate my moods and give me energy because depression is seriously crushing. I was alone in my house one day with Lacey after she was born and Jerame’s aunt came over. The lights were off and it was starting to get dark outside. I didn’t even think of it being bad for me. It was comfortable. Debbie immediately turned on the lights and told me the worst thing I could do was sit in a dark room. That’s when I knew I needed help. Nobody was in danger but I was not ok.

I still refuse to sit in a dark room unless it’s for movie purposes. Because it weighs me down.

But as much as I have it under control I still have moments when something happens that takes me back down there. I’ve never been suicidal. That’s not a worry. But I would sleep through the entire day. I would not take showers or do my makeup. But because I know this I make myself shower. I make myself put on makeup. Because I feel better when I do. It doesn’t fix everything but i at least feel alive.

This last year has been crushing. It has crushed my spirit. It has crushed my confidence. It has crushed my life. But I let it. I didn’t always put myself in the shower. I didn’t always put makeup on. I was crushed.

Lately I have felt so much better about my life’s direction. But wouldn’t you know something has to happen when I’m feeling content?

I find something finally easy just to watch it turn into the hardest thing I have to deal with. Just to watch it become unbearable.

I’m lonely and that is not good for depression either. I’m constantly ganged up on. The two men that hated each other with a passion have found a new passion to bond over....hating me. They are constantly working to find ways to take my kids away. Together. They go to dinner together. It’s disgusting really. I feel like I have very few people that are there for me when I need them. Most of my trustworthy and supportive  people are hours and states away.

I’m beat down by the rumors being spread around town. I’m beat down by the manipulation. I’m beat down by failure. I’m beat down by the accusations.

It’s crushing me. And I know there are two people in particular that this post makes feel like they are winning. That they have gotten what they want. But I’m not done yet. I’m a survivor right?

BEST and WORST

Well it's been a year.  A year since I thought my world came crashing down.  A year since I found out my life was a lie.  A deception.

A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me.  It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense.  I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself.  First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.

WORST

The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating.  But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse.  I can't imagine their pain.  I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make. 

Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him.  He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides.  That they can't love us both.  They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.

I lost my family. My "normal" family life.  My security and comfort.  My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home.  The co-parenting is non-existent.  I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.

When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me.  I was 17 and about 105 pounds.  Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore.  I always took it as a joke.  But I realize now it wasn't a joke.  I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me.  But he was joking right?  My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.

He always made those kinds of "jokes".  I thought they were normal.  I thought they were ok.  Now looking back I realize they weren't ok.  He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them.  He didn't treat me as his equal.  He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did.  He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.

BEST

I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal?  Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny.  I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them.  And he wouldn't be ok with it.  Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage.  I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man.  Not in the way I deserved to be.  So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I have a partner with the same goals and values as me.  A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him.  A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values.  A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.

I have become more acquainted with my religion.  That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do.  In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it.  He made me feel like I was not good enough for him.  But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion. 

I am able to be me.  For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom.  I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do.  Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies.  I didn't have any hobbies.  I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want. 

Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments.  I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them.  I get them all the time now!  I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be.  I'm still insecure.  I'm still suspicious of everything.  I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that.  I still have work to do on me.  But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me.  It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good.  I would never know what it is to be important.  I would never know what it is to be special.