Well it's been a year. A year since I thought my world came crashing down. A year since I found out my life was a lie. A deception.
A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense. I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself. First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.
WORST
The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating. But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse. I can't imagine their pain. I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make.
Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him. He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides. That they can't love us both. They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.
I lost my family. My "normal" family life. My security and comfort. My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home. The co-parenting is non-existent. I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.
When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me. I was 17 and about 105 pounds. Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore. I always took it as a joke. But I realize now it wasn't a joke. I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me. But he was joking right? My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.
He always made those kinds of "jokes". I thought they were normal. I thought they were ok. Now looking back I realize they weren't ok. He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them. He didn't treat me as his equal. He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did. He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.
BEST
I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal? Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny. I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them. And he wouldn't be ok with it. Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage. I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man. Not in the way I deserved to be. So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a partner with the same goals and values as me. A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him. A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values. A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.
I have become more acquainted with my religion. That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do. In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it. He made me feel like I was not good enough for him. But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion.
I am able to be me. For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom. I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do. Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies. I didn't have any hobbies. I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want.
Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments. I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them. I get them all the time now! I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be. I'm still insecure. I'm still suspicious of everything. I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that. I still have work to do on me. But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me. It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good. I would never know what it is to be important. I would never know what it is to be special.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Monday, October 14, 2019
Let's get real about fake and family
So this one is going to just be my opinion. Everyone relax a little and hear me out before forming an opinion. But seriously I just want to get real about a few things.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Co-Parenting
I want to pose a question to everyone.
Here's a situation. When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive. She promised to follow those rules and understood them. I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks. This is a privilege for a 15-year-old. Not a right.
Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it. I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug. I chose to continue trusting her.
Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule. When caught she lied. When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it. I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care. So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong. She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong. So I took the car away completely.
I'm being vague in the details on purpose. Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.
Now let me put the details in. I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to. But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.
Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me:
Emma drives herself to school. I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00. I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me). After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home. That's the plan. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.
Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie. I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him. This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me. Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter. She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly. How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial? Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including my children. He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally. He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him. He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him. He has made no effort yet continues to blame me. The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her. I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children. I cannot protect them. But I can protect Sophie. And I will. She needs stability. Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good. He is hurting her. So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.
Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license. For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first. I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why. She promised over and over that that would never happen.
Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare. I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop. She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them. The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.
The next week my daughters were with Jerame. Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about. She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister. I said she could. So they went and got a cookie. When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them. I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house. Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?). Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason. And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period! Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people. I let it go.
Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter. I had not given money to the kids for Crumble. My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble. I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me. Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how? It's my week. I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame. When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing? Well I tell you not for my kids. Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out. That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad. It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father. Again...what? Why was she with her father? But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me? Emma says no of course not. Ok . . . I let it go. Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie. So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame. Sophie nods her head yes. I look at Emma again. Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up." Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop? And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do. And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)! Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset. It was an accident after all. So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was? How on earth is that an accident? "I just forgot to tell you first." So you knew she was going to see him? Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?
And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever. I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful. Of course not she says. She did nothing wrong. So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across. So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun. I was yelled at that that's why she hates me. I am an awful mom. She wants to live with her dad. I never do anything for her. She stomped down to her room.
Huh...ok. But here's another thing. Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week? Again it's not about seeing their dad. It's about the lies. The deceit. All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me. Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma. Um ok why didn't you tell me? Because he's my dad. Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me? I don't know. You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad. AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad. It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me. How long has this been going on? All week. ALL WEEK?! What? Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma. And you don't think you should have told me? Or talked to me about it? Or seen if there was anything I could have done? No because I talked to my dad. But it isn't his week!!!!!
Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away. Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother. Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should. Of course NONE of that! And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.
Fast forward to this morning. Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school. I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week. Of course she said no. So I said then that's her answer. No she can't go. This one is hard for me. This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue. I was completely shocked. So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong. So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent. What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand! And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want. There is absolutely no supervision at his house. No boundaries. And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent. I don't have tons of rules. I don't set tons of limits. There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest! But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with. At least on the weeks they are with me. Even if that person is their father. And I expect them to do the same for him with me. Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first. Out of respect and co-parenting.
So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad. Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other. It's getting so old.
Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives. This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us. I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it. She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA. Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away. Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him. Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs. They are his puppets.
Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me? Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening? Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids? Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them. Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting? Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect? Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do? And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess? How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?
Here's a situation. When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive. She promised to follow those rules and understood them. I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks. This is a privilege for a 15-year-old. Not a right.
Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it. I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug. I chose to continue trusting her.
Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule. When caught she lied. When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it. I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care. So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong. She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong. So I took the car away completely.
I'm being vague in the details on purpose. Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.
Now let me put the details in. I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to. But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.
Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me:
Emma drives herself to school. I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00. I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me). After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home. That's the plan. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.
Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie. I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him. This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me. Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter. She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly. How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial? Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including my children. He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally. He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him. He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him. He has made no effort yet continues to blame me. The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her. I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children. I cannot protect them. But I can protect Sophie. And I will. She needs stability. Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good. He is hurting her. So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.
Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license. For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first. I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why. She promised over and over that that would never happen.
Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare. I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop. She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them. The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.
The next week my daughters were with Jerame. Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about. She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister. I said she could. So they went and got a cookie. When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them. I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house. Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?). Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason. And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period! Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people. I let it go.
Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter. I had not given money to the kids for Crumble. My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble. I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me. Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how? It's my week. I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame. When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing? Well I tell you not for my kids. Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out. That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad. It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father. Again...what? Why was she with her father? But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me? Emma says no of course not. Ok . . . I let it go. Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie. So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame. Sophie nods her head yes. I look at Emma again. Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up." Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop? And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do. And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)! Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset. It was an accident after all. So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was? How on earth is that an accident? "I just forgot to tell you first." So you knew she was going to see him? Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?
And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever. I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful. Of course not she says. She did nothing wrong. So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across. So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun. I was yelled at that that's why she hates me. I am an awful mom. She wants to live with her dad. I never do anything for her. She stomped down to her room.
Huh...ok. But here's another thing. Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week? Again it's not about seeing their dad. It's about the lies. The deceit. All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me. Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma. Um ok why didn't you tell me? Because he's my dad. Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me? I don't know. You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad. AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad. It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me. How long has this been going on? All week. ALL WEEK?! What? Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma. And you don't think you should have told me? Or talked to me about it? Or seen if there was anything I could have done? No because I talked to my dad. But it isn't his week!!!!!
Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away. Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother. Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should. Of course NONE of that! And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.
Fast forward to this morning. Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school. I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week. Of course she said no. So I said then that's her answer. No she can't go. This one is hard for me. This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue. I was completely shocked. So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong. So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent. What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand! And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want. There is absolutely no supervision at his house. No boundaries. And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent. I don't have tons of rules. I don't set tons of limits. There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest! But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with. At least on the weeks they are with me. Even if that person is their father. And I expect them to do the same for him with me. Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first. Out of respect and co-parenting.
So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad. Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other. It's getting so old.
Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives. This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us. I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it. She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA. Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away. Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him. Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs. They are his puppets.
Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me? Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening? Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids? Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them. Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting? Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect? Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do? And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess? How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Hate
I have been on a spiritual high for a couple weeks now. I have dug down and I actually have some confidence again. I don’t believe everything was my fault. I do believe I have made mistakes. Whether anyone cares or not, I am human. I have feelings and emotions. Yes I’m a mother but also I am human. Sometimes the human takes over and I’m not as good of a mother as I want to be. But I finally felt good about me!
Oh but then Satan. Satan has a way of making that self doubt come back. It’s generally through someone else. Although sometimes it’s through my own mistakes. But wow did he hit me hard this last week.
People have so much hate. It’s like they see someone down and they can’t keep themselves from enjoying the hurt that person is in. And it even makes them want to make it worse for that person. Why? I don’t know maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone feeling worse than they do? Maybe jealousy?
I’m sure many people saw the nasty comments left on my blog post. I’m sure many people laughed at them. I’m sure many people told others to look (especially the one that posted them). I did respond once but to the 4 or 5 other comments that were left I didn’t even read them. The first one was enough to make me question myself again. It was enough to make me doubt who I thought I had become. I didn’t need to read the rest. All I got from the comments was that for years my husband was trashing me to other people. For years nothing good that I did was noticed. That instead of being my partner my husband was making me out to be a monster. Behind my back. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely I did. But so did he. He was trashing me and making sure to lift himself up to everyone else. And what o also found out is that people that were nice to my face were encouraging my husband to get rid of me. To split apart his family.
Our story didn’t start in Pocatello, Idaho. It didn’t start when we moved here in 2006. That’s when some of the people he associates with now met us. But we started many years before that. So for people to pretend that they know what our marriage has been since the beginning and feel the need to judge either of us . . . they honestly have no idea! They don’t know us. They know the man that turned his back. They know the big things but not the little things that led to them.
I’m done. I’m done reading the hate. I’m done feeling Satan’s power through his conduits. I’m a good person and I plan on remaining a good person. And I’m not letting it destroy me and I’m not going to continue to doubt myself.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
You - A Letter from Your Mother
I felt you inside of me. I loved you first! My heartbeat may have been the first sound you heard. Or maybe the sound of my voice. We were connected. I watched you take your first breath. I heard your first cry. I changed your first diaper. I was the first to look into your eyes. I saw what was inside of you. Who you really are. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I would watch you stare at lights as an infant and knew you were watching angels because you had such a spiritual light around you.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
All the Right Things
For months I have been working on bettering myself. I have been working on gaining a strong testimony in my faith. I have been making the right choices for my faith. I am not drinking. I am not having sex with my boyfriend. I am working on not swearing...although this one I admit that I struggle the most with. I am working on my parenting and patience and honestly I feel like I am doing a great job in those areas. I am working on listening to what my kids need. I am doing all the right things.
I see the improvements in my life spiritually. I am feeling my Heavenly Father's love. I am seeing the blessings I have been given. I am doing all the right things.
So why does it feel like I move forward one step and then get knocked back three, or four, or fifty?!
The answer is simple . . . my kids. I have spent almost 21 years being a mother. Pretty much only a mother. I have been known as Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Aly's mom, Sophie's mom, or Jerame's wife. Rarely have I been known as Kelli. I don't have much of an identity without those other five names preceding me. Why? Because they have been my life. I gave up a career and a way to support myself to raise my kids and support my husband in his career. It's not their fault. I chose it. But I also couldn't see the future financial struggle coming my way.
I do see the rewards of what I have done. I have amazingly smart children. Every single one of them. They all work hard at school and in their activities and excel at everything they do. All of my girls are gorgeous. They are healthy. I have been lucky as a mother to be blessed with the chance to be a part of their lives. It was worth giving up my identity.
So here I sit. No husband, no support from my children, no respect from any of them . . . and still without an identity.
Here's what I want to do. I want to go back to school. I want to get a degree. I want to be independent. I want to travel. I especially want to do service. I want to help people. I want to be respected. I want my children to care. I want my ex-husband to respect me and try to be friendly. I want the same from Sophie's dad. I want my children to respect me. I want to have my children stop throwing daggers at me in the form of words. I want the same from their father. I want to matter. I want to be important. Doesn't everyone?
Jerame is very good at hurting me through my kids. I am doing everything right but he still has that control. I don't love him anymore, that's not what this is about. But I do love my kids. He has effectively poisoned them against me and continues to do so. I cannot discipline because he will undermine me. If I try they then tell me they want to live with their dad. He doesn't discipline and is rarely around so the lack of supervision is appealing for them. And he has money. I don't. He can buy them whatever they want. I can't. The things they say to me I know they didn't come up with on their own. I know they are being told things by their father. The problem is that they are mostly untrue things or extreme exaggerations meant to hurt me or scare me.
But I am not scared. I am doing all the right things. I am focused. I have plans. Good plans. But the words still hurt. The disrespect and ungratefulness still hurt. I just hope that some day my children will see the truth. That one day they will at least let me tell my side instead of believing the lies they so readily believe now. That they even hunger for to help their hate grow.
I hope they see that hate is not the answer. Love is the answer. Understanding is the answer. Hate is eating alive my oldest two right now. They are blinded by it.
I know what you're thinking, or maybe it's just my thoughts, but I don't hate Jerame. I am hurt by him. I am confused by him. But I don't hate him.
I am doing all the right things. Things are getting better. There is just one area in my life that I desperately want to change for the better. And that's area is my relationships with my children. That is my biggest stumbling block. That is where I don't know what to do. That is my biggest defeat.
I see the improvements in my life spiritually. I am feeling my Heavenly Father's love. I am seeing the blessings I have been given. I am doing all the right things.
So why does it feel like I move forward one step and then get knocked back three, or four, or fifty?!
The answer is simple . . . my kids. I have spent almost 21 years being a mother. Pretty much only a mother. I have been known as Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Aly's mom, Sophie's mom, or Jerame's wife. Rarely have I been known as Kelli. I don't have much of an identity without those other five names preceding me. Why? Because they have been my life. I gave up a career and a way to support myself to raise my kids and support my husband in his career. It's not their fault. I chose it. But I also couldn't see the future financial struggle coming my way.
I do see the rewards of what I have done. I have amazingly smart children. Every single one of them. They all work hard at school and in their activities and excel at everything they do. All of my girls are gorgeous. They are healthy. I have been lucky as a mother to be blessed with the chance to be a part of their lives. It was worth giving up my identity.
So here I sit. No husband, no support from my children, no respect from any of them . . . and still without an identity.
Here's what I want to do. I want to go back to school. I want to get a degree. I want to be independent. I want to travel. I especially want to do service. I want to help people. I want to be respected. I want my children to care. I want my ex-husband to respect me and try to be friendly. I want the same from Sophie's dad. I want my children to respect me. I want to have my children stop throwing daggers at me in the form of words. I want the same from their father. I want to matter. I want to be important. Doesn't everyone?
Jerame is very good at hurting me through my kids. I am doing everything right but he still has that control. I don't love him anymore, that's not what this is about. But I do love my kids. He has effectively poisoned them against me and continues to do so. I cannot discipline because he will undermine me. If I try they then tell me they want to live with their dad. He doesn't discipline and is rarely around so the lack of supervision is appealing for them. And he has money. I don't. He can buy them whatever they want. I can't. The things they say to me I know they didn't come up with on their own. I know they are being told things by their father. The problem is that they are mostly untrue things or extreme exaggerations meant to hurt me or scare me.
But I am not scared. I am doing all the right things. I am focused. I have plans. Good plans. But the words still hurt. The disrespect and ungratefulness still hurt. I just hope that some day my children will see the truth. That one day they will at least let me tell my side instead of believing the lies they so readily believe now. That they even hunger for to help their hate grow.
I hope they see that hate is not the answer. Love is the answer. Understanding is the answer. Hate is eating alive my oldest two right now. They are blinded by it.
I know what you're thinking, or maybe it's just my thoughts, but I don't hate Jerame. I am hurt by him. I am confused by him. But I don't hate him.
I am doing all the right things. Things are getting better. There is just one area in my life that I desperately want to change for the better. And that's area is my relationships with my children. That is my biggest stumbling block. That is where I don't know what to do. That is my biggest defeat.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Letting Go
Well this has been a very long seven months. I have struggled with my actions and feelings. I have all but lost some of my children. I was with the same man for 23 years. I didn't want to let go of the life we had and the comfort we had.
Well I have started dating. In doing that I have come to realize that maybe the life we had wasn't so comfortable. It was just . . . blah. We didn't respect each other. We didn't worry about each other. We were married young and got into immature bad habits in our communication. Did I ever love him? I think so. Was he what I wanted for my future even when I was a little girl? No. Not at all. When I was little I wanted to be married to a man that could marry me in the temple. Oh how teenage years made me forget that.
That being said it wasn't all bad. Look at my beautiful girls. They are half him. They are amazing because they are who they are. And they are who they are because of both of us. We had good times. We had bad times. We had blah times.
But here I am now. All of the fighting over the last several months, what exactly was it for? It wasn't for possessions or even fairness. Honestly, it was for a life I was afraid to let go of. Not because of money or anything like that, but because it was what I knew. Change terrifies me. Was I happy? Definitely not. But I thought I was because it was what I knew. Not knowing what's next is scary.
For months before Jerame left I had gotten back into the church to find out for myself if it was true. I started wanting that temple marriage again and figuring I could maybe get Jerame there some day when he saw how happy the church was making me. He'd of course want that too right? Some pretty awesome things were happening and everything was making sense to me...except my marriage. I prayed every day for my marriage. It wasn't bad but I wanted it to be good. So I prayed that Jerame and I could "fix" our marriage. I prayed so hard. I was seeing answers to other prayers but this one was a work in progress.
Well then the day came, he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. But then at the front of my mind was this thought, "Oh no, is this the answer?" I wanted it fixed but fixed can mean so many things. I had prayed that we would figure things out with each other. Did that mean divorce? I wanted a temple marriage and honestly I wasn't convinced he would get me there. Was this the answer to my prayers. Of course that thought was pushed right out. No it was an answer but it was an answer in the form of a wake-up call. I was convinced this was the answer telling me I was neglecting my marriage. Ok then, I would change that. I would focus on him.
Well he didn't want that. He wanted someone else and with someone else comes a divorce. I fought tooth and nail. I wasn't going to let him go easily. He was going to see the mistake he made and I was going to make sure of it.
Through divorce proceedings, I also don't want to get taken advantage of, and he doesn't want to let material things go or buy me out of them. I want fair. I just want fair.
He asked me a week or so ago if he could come get some items from my house that he feels are his. Absolutely not I said! If he takes them then he will never be fair about the divorce. That's what I thought.
Crazy thing happened. I found someone. Finding someone made me realize that what I have always wanted is actually still possible after all the mistakes I have made in the past. I can have what I want and I can be treated so much better! And finding someone made me realize that I don't care. I just don't care. What was I really fighting over? Was it really money and possessions? Nope. It was fighting over letting go. I was afraid to let go. I thought that our life was the one I wanted. But now I realize the one I wanted when I was a little girl is the one I want now. Jerame will never get me to the temple. We weren't nice to each other. We just were. That's it. We existed. I don't want that life anymore. I don't care about pianos and four wheelers. I still want to be treated fairly in the divorce, don't get me wrong. But I guess I just don't care as much anymore if I'm not. Don't worry I'm not rolling over. I'm not giving up. But I am letting go. Letting go of the life I never really wanted anyway. Letting go of the pain. Letting go of the sadness. Yeah it took seven months but hey I was trying to let go of 23 years. That's a huge thing.
I told him to come pick up everything on his list. He knows I want it all sold and for us to split the profit. But I'm not letting it eat me up inside anymore. I don't want the things. I don't want our life together. I just want to be free. And not letting go was holding me back from so much.
I can see my future and it can be the one I wanted. It will never be the one I had but maybe that's actually a good thing. I can start fresh in my new house. I can start fresh with a new person. My family dynamic may change. But maybe that's actually good for me and my kids (I was convinced it was terrible for us!). I see camping in the future and it isn't in a huge fifth wheel. But honestly I was always the one that wanted the tent camping. So maybe I'm getting what I want finally. I'm happy and it's because I can actually see what's coming and I am so in love with it. I was fighting for the wrong thing. So I let go. And it feels amazing.
Well I have started dating. In doing that I have come to realize that maybe the life we had wasn't so comfortable. It was just . . . blah. We didn't respect each other. We didn't worry about each other. We were married young and got into immature bad habits in our communication. Did I ever love him? I think so. Was he what I wanted for my future even when I was a little girl? No. Not at all. When I was little I wanted to be married to a man that could marry me in the temple. Oh how teenage years made me forget that.
That being said it wasn't all bad. Look at my beautiful girls. They are half him. They are amazing because they are who they are. And they are who they are because of both of us. We had good times. We had bad times. We had blah times.
But here I am now. All of the fighting over the last several months, what exactly was it for? It wasn't for possessions or even fairness. Honestly, it was for a life I was afraid to let go of. Not because of money or anything like that, but because it was what I knew. Change terrifies me. Was I happy? Definitely not. But I thought I was because it was what I knew. Not knowing what's next is scary.
For months before Jerame left I had gotten back into the church to find out for myself if it was true. I started wanting that temple marriage again and figuring I could maybe get Jerame there some day when he saw how happy the church was making me. He'd of course want that too right? Some pretty awesome things were happening and everything was making sense to me...except my marriage. I prayed every day for my marriage. It wasn't bad but I wanted it to be good. So I prayed that Jerame and I could "fix" our marriage. I prayed so hard. I was seeing answers to other prayers but this one was a work in progress.
Well then the day came, he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. But then at the front of my mind was this thought, "Oh no, is this the answer?" I wanted it fixed but fixed can mean so many things. I had prayed that we would figure things out with each other. Did that mean divorce? I wanted a temple marriage and honestly I wasn't convinced he would get me there. Was this the answer to my prayers. Of course that thought was pushed right out. No it was an answer but it was an answer in the form of a wake-up call. I was convinced this was the answer telling me I was neglecting my marriage. Ok then, I would change that. I would focus on him.
Well he didn't want that. He wanted someone else and with someone else comes a divorce. I fought tooth and nail. I wasn't going to let him go easily. He was going to see the mistake he made and I was going to make sure of it.
Through divorce proceedings, I also don't want to get taken advantage of, and he doesn't want to let material things go or buy me out of them. I want fair. I just want fair.
He asked me a week or so ago if he could come get some items from my house that he feels are his. Absolutely not I said! If he takes them then he will never be fair about the divorce. That's what I thought.
Crazy thing happened. I found someone. Finding someone made me realize that what I have always wanted is actually still possible after all the mistakes I have made in the past. I can have what I want and I can be treated so much better! And finding someone made me realize that I don't care. I just don't care. What was I really fighting over? Was it really money and possessions? Nope. It was fighting over letting go. I was afraid to let go. I thought that our life was the one I wanted. But now I realize the one I wanted when I was a little girl is the one I want now. Jerame will never get me to the temple. We weren't nice to each other. We just were. That's it. We existed. I don't want that life anymore. I don't care about pianos and four wheelers. I still want to be treated fairly in the divorce, don't get me wrong. But I guess I just don't care as much anymore if I'm not. Don't worry I'm not rolling over. I'm not giving up. But I am letting go. Letting go of the life I never really wanted anyway. Letting go of the pain. Letting go of the sadness. Yeah it took seven months but hey I was trying to let go of 23 years. That's a huge thing.
I told him to come pick up everything on his list. He knows I want it all sold and for us to split the profit. But I'm not letting it eat me up inside anymore. I don't want the things. I don't want our life together. I just want to be free. And not letting go was holding me back from so much.
I can see my future and it can be the one I wanted. It will never be the one I had but maybe that's actually a good thing. I can start fresh in my new house. I can start fresh with a new person. My family dynamic may change. But maybe that's actually good for me and my kids (I was convinced it was terrible for us!). I see camping in the future and it isn't in a huge fifth wheel. But honestly I was always the one that wanted the tent camping. So maybe I'm getting what I want finally. I'm happy and it's because I can actually see what's coming and I am so in love with it. I was fighting for the wrong thing. So I let go. And it feels amazing.
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