I think the main reason I keep this blog is because I feel like nobody ever wants or listens to my side of the story. Everyone (law, friends, family) supports a man bullying a woman just because he has more money and can buy followers. He has more money and can pay top dollar for a dishonest and unethical attorney to help him destroy a good person. All to divert the blame away from himself. All to make him feel better about what he's done.
My voice is not heard. I have no money left. My side of the story isn't even heard in Court and his version is automatically taken as gospel. Friends don't ask me for my side and actually help him spread his lies.
Why? Because he's the man? Because he is more powerful? Because he has more money? Because they are afraid of what he will do to them if they don't?
He has made my children hate me. That evil woman is welcome to replace me as wife because he is the last person I ever want to touch or talk to again. But she doesn't get to replace me as mother. I don't know what I ever did to her to make her decided to pick on me but she is evil.
She doesn't get to replace the 20 years that I was the primary caregiver for my children. She doesn't get to replace all the love that I have given my children. She doesn't get to replace every minute I have spent hurting for my kids for things that others have done to them. In fact she has damaged my kids beyond repair by destroying their home and life.
I have stood up for my kids. I had Lacey's bully's mom text me and I defended my daughter and still do. I have made sure the girls make the most of themselves. I got Emma's paperwork done for Honor Society. My fiance found her service to do for National Honor Society. I have encouraged good grades. I have made sure the girls are active in activities. I have been the one to volunteer in their classrooms. I have been the one to throw them birthday parties. I have been the one to make sure they go to other kids' birthday parties. I have been the one to get them what they need. I have been the one to make sure they are healthy. Nobody can take my place.
I am unappreciated by my children for everything I have done. My daughter told me I wasn't remotely motherly. Then when I listed all of the things I have done for them she told me that doesn't make me motherly because that's stuff a mother is supposed to do. Guess what! Some mother's don't do any of it!
I let them sleep in my bed until they were 8-years-old. They wanted to be with me. Nobody can take that away.
Everyone is so quick to judge based on a one-sided biased story. Maybe ask for my side. There is way more to it than the lies and embellishments portrayed by an evil home-wrecking woman and the man that let her destroy his family and kids. And more to the story than what kids who are trying to make themselves not look bad portray. More than kids that have been manipulated by two evil people into disregarding anything their mother has ever done for them. For devaluing everything she has ever done for those children.
A woman that I called a friend has been helping spread these lies for my ex-husband. She hasn't even asked for my side before spreading them. What is wrong with people? Why is it so fun to tear someone down? To destroy a good person?
So all I ask before you pass judgment (and I even ask my daughters, especially my oldest, for this mercy) is please ask for my side before telling the world. Maybe there is more to the story than you are being told. It's a snapshot. It's not complete.
I can't buy them iPhones. I can't buy them Crumble Cookies daily. I can't buy them name brand. I can't compete financially. But I do give them my heart. I just want a piece of their's in return. Some loyalty. Some compassion. I give all of those things to them. Just because I am the mother and they are the kids doesn't mean that they shouldn't return these things.
I am a good mother. I am human. I make mistakes. But I am a good mother.
Friday, January 17, 2020
Monday, January 13, 2020
Crushing
Breathing is crushing me. Feelings are crushing me. Fear is crushing me. Life is crushing me.
I honestly find it almost unbearable to even breathe. I keep going and continue to breathe anyway. Why? My kids. That’s pretty much all anymore. My kids.
Yes depression is real. Some people never get rid of it but can manage it with medication. That’s me. I handle it with medication. But situations still come along to make things worse. Like right now. It’s crushing.
After I had Lacey is when I really started feeling it. Baby blues? Maybe. But I do believe my depression started before she was even born. And I have been on medication pretty much since she was born. It helps regulate my moods and give me energy because depression is seriously crushing. I was alone in my house one day with Lacey after she was born and Jerame’s aunt came over. The lights were off and it was starting to get dark outside. I didn’t even think of it being bad for me. It was comfortable. Debbie immediately turned on the lights and told me the worst thing I could do was sit in a dark room. That’s when I knew I needed help. Nobody was in danger but I was not ok.
I still refuse to sit in a dark room unless it’s for movie purposes. Because it weighs me down.
But as much as I have it under control I still have moments when something happens that takes me back down there. I’ve never been suicidal. That’s not a worry. But I would sleep through the entire day. I would not take showers or do my makeup. But because I know this I make myself shower. I make myself put on makeup. Because I feel better when I do. It doesn’t fix everything but i at least feel alive.
This last year has been crushing. It has crushed my spirit. It has crushed my confidence. It has crushed my life. But I let it. I didn’t always put myself in the shower. I didn’t always put makeup on. I was crushed.
Lately I have felt so much better about my life’s direction. But wouldn’t you know something has to happen when I’m feeling content?
I find something finally easy just to watch it turn into the hardest thing I have to deal with. Just to watch it become unbearable.
I’m lonely and that is not good for depression either. I’m constantly ganged up on. The two men that hated each other with a passion have found a new passion to bond over....hating me. They are constantly working to find ways to take my kids away. Together. They go to dinner together. It’s disgusting really. I feel like I have very few people that are there for me when I need them. Most of my trustworthy and supportive people are hours and states away.
I’m beat down by the rumors being spread around town. I’m beat down by the manipulation. I’m beat down by failure. I’m beat down by the accusations.
It’s crushing me. And I know there are two people in particular that this post makes feel like they are winning. That they have gotten what they want. But I’m not done yet. I’m a survivor right?
I honestly find it almost unbearable to even breathe. I keep going and continue to breathe anyway. Why? My kids. That’s pretty much all anymore. My kids.
Yes depression is real. Some people never get rid of it but can manage it with medication. That’s me. I handle it with medication. But situations still come along to make things worse. Like right now. It’s crushing.
After I had Lacey is when I really started feeling it. Baby blues? Maybe. But I do believe my depression started before she was even born. And I have been on medication pretty much since she was born. It helps regulate my moods and give me energy because depression is seriously crushing. I was alone in my house one day with Lacey after she was born and Jerame’s aunt came over. The lights were off and it was starting to get dark outside. I didn’t even think of it being bad for me. It was comfortable. Debbie immediately turned on the lights and told me the worst thing I could do was sit in a dark room. That’s when I knew I needed help. Nobody was in danger but I was not ok.
I still refuse to sit in a dark room unless it’s for movie purposes. Because it weighs me down.
But as much as I have it under control I still have moments when something happens that takes me back down there. I’ve never been suicidal. That’s not a worry. But I would sleep through the entire day. I would not take showers or do my makeup. But because I know this I make myself shower. I make myself put on makeup. Because I feel better when I do. It doesn’t fix everything but i at least feel alive.
This last year has been crushing. It has crushed my spirit. It has crushed my confidence. It has crushed my life. But I let it. I didn’t always put myself in the shower. I didn’t always put makeup on. I was crushed.
Lately I have felt so much better about my life’s direction. But wouldn’t you know something has to happen when I’m feeling content?
I find something finally easy just to watch it turn into the hardest thing I have to deal with. Just to watch it become unbearable.
I’m lonely and that is not good for depression either. I’m constantly ganged up on. The two men that hated each other with a passion have found a new passion to bond over....hating me. They are constantly working to find ways to take my kids away. Together. They go to dinner together. It’s disgusting really. I feel like I have very few people that are there for me when I need them. Most of my trustworthy and supportive people are hours and states away.
I’m beat down by the rumors being spread around town. I’m beat down by the manipulation. I’m beat down by failure. I’m beat down by the accusations.
It’s crushing me. And I know there are two people in particular that this post makes feel like they are winning. That they have gotten what they want. But I’m not done yet. I’m a survivor right?
Friday, October 25, 2019
BEST and WORST
Well it's been a year. A year since I thought my world came crashing down. A year since I found out my life was a lie. A deception.
A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense. I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself. First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.
WORST
The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating. But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse. I can't imagine their pain. I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make.
Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him. He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides. That they can't love us both. They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.
I lost my family. My "normal" family life. My security and comfort. My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home. The co-parenting is non-existent. I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.
When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me. I was 17 and about 105 pounds. Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore. I always took it as a joke. But I realize now it wasn't a joke. I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me. But he was joking right? My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.
He always made those kinds of "jokes". I thought they were normal. I thought they were ok. Now looking back I realize they weren't ok. He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them. He didn't treat me as his equal. He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did. He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.
BEST
I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal? Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny. I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them. And he wouldn't be ok with it. Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage. I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man. Not in the way I deserved to be. So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a partner with the same goals and values as me. A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him. A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values. A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.
I have become more acquainted with my religion. That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do. In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it. He made me feel like I was not good enough for him. But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion.
I am able to be me. For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom. I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do. Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies. I didn't have any hobbies. I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want.
Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments. I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them. I get them all the time now! I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be. I'm still insecure. I'm still suspicious of everything. I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that. I still have work to do on me. But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me. It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good. I would never know what it is to be important. I would never know what it is to be special.
A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense. I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself. First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.
WORST
The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating. But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse. I can't imagine their pain. I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make.
Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him. He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides. That they can't love us both. They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.
I lost my family. My "normal" family life. My security and comfort. My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home. The co-parenting is non-existent. I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.
When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me. I was 17 and about 105 pounds. Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore. I always took it as a joke. But I realize now it wasn't a joke. I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me. But he was joking right? My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.
He always made those kinds of "jokes". I thought they were normal. I thought they were ok. Now looking back I realize they weren't ok. He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them. He didn't treat me as his equal. He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did. He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.
BEST
I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal? Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny. I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them. And he wouldn't be ok with it. Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage. I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man. Not in the way I deserved to be. So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a partner with the same goals and values as me. A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him. A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values. A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.
I have become more acquainted with my religion. That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do. In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it. He made me feel like I was not good enough for him. But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion.
I am able to be me. For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom. I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do. Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies. I didn't have any hobbies. I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want.
Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments. I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them. I get them all the time now! I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be. I'm still insecure. I'm still suspicious of everything. I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that. I still have work to do on me. But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me. It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good. I would never know what it is to be important. I would never know what it is to be special.
Monday, October 14, 2019
Let's get real about fake and family
So this one is going to just be my opinion. Everyone relax a little and hear me out before forming an opinion. But seriously I just want to get real about a few things.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Co-Parenting
I want to pose a question to everyone.
Here's a situation. When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive. She promised to follow those rules and understood them. I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks. This is a privilege for a 15-year-old. Not a right.
Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it. I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug. I chose to continue trusting her.
Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule. When caught she lied. When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it. I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care. So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong. She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong. So I took the car away completely.
I'm being vague in the details on purpose. Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.
Now let me put the details in. I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to. But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.
Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me:
Emma drives herself to school. I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00. I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me). After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home. That's the plan. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.
Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie. I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him. This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me. Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter. She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly. How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial? Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including my children. He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally. He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him. He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him. He has made no effort yet continues to blame me. The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her. I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children. I cannot protect them. But I can protect Sophie. And I will. She needs stability. Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good. He is hurting her. So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.
Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license. For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first. I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why. She promised over and over that that would never happen.
Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare. I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop. She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them. The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.
The next week my daughters were with Jerame. Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about. She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister. I said she could. So they went and got a cookie. When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them. I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house. Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?). Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason. And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period! Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people. I let it go.
Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter. I had not given money to the kids for Crumble. My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble. I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me. Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how? It's my week. I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame. When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing? Well I tell you not for my kids. Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out. That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad. It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father. Again...what? Why was she with her father? But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me? Emma says no of course not. Ok . . . I let it go. Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie. So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame. Sophie nods her head yes. I look at Emma again. Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up." Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop? And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do. And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)! Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset. It was an accident after all. So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was? How on earth is that an accident? "I just forgot to tell you first." So you knew she was going to see him? Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?
And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever. I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful. Of course not she says. She did nothing wrong. So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across. So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun. I was yelled at that that's why she hates me. I am an awful mom. She wants to live with her dad. I never do anything for her. She stomped down to her room.
Huh...ok. But here's another thing. Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week? Again it's not about seeing their dad. It's about the lies. The deceit. All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me. Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma. Um ok why didn't you tell me? Because he's my dad. Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me? I don't know. You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad. AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad. It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me. How long has this been going on? All week. ALL WEEK?! What? Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma. And you don't think you should have told me? Or talked to me about it? Or seen if there was anything I could have done? No because I talked to my dad. But it isn't his week!!!!!
Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away. Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother. Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should. Of course NONE of that! And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.
Fast forward to this morning. Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school. I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week. Of course she said no. So I said then that's her answer. No she can't go. This one is hard for me. This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue. I was completely shocked. So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong. So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent. What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand! And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want. There is absolutely no supervision at his house. No boundaries. And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent. I don't have tons of rules. I don't set tons of limits. There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest! But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with. At least on the weeks they are with me. Even if that person is their father. And I expect them to do the same for him with me. Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first. Out of respect and co-parenting.
So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad. Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other. It's getting so old.
Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives. This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us. I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it. She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA. Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away. Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him. Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs. They are his puppets.
Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me? Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening? Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids? Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them. Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting? Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect? Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do? And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess? How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?
Here's a situation. When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive. She promised to follow those rules and understood them. I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks. This is a privilege for a 15-year-old. Not a right.
Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it. I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug. I chose to continue trusting her.
Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule. When caught she lied. When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it. I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care. So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong. She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong. So I took the car away completely.
I'm being vague in the details on purpose. Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.
Now let me put the details in. I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to. But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.
Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me:
Emma drives herself to school. I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00. I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me). After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home. That's the plan. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.
Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie. I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him. This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me. Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter. She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly. How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial? Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including my children. He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally. He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him. He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him. He has made no effort yet continues to blame me. The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her. I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children. I cannot protect them. But I can protect Sophie. And I will. She needs stability. Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good. He is hurting her. So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.
Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license. For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first. I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why. She promised over and over that that would never happen.
Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare. I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop. She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them. The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.
The next week my daughters were with Jerame. Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about. She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister. I said she could. So they went and got a cookie. When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them. I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house. Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?). Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason. And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period! Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people. I let it go.
Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter. I had not given money to the kids for Crumble. My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble. I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me. Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how? It's my week. I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame. When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing? Well I tell you not for my kids. Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out. That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad. It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father. Again...what? Why was she with her father? But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me? Emma says no of course not. Ok . . . I let it go. Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie. So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame. Sophie nods her head yes. I look at Emma again. Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up." Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop? And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do. And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)! Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset. It was an accident after all. So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was? How on earth is that an accident? "I just forgot to tell you first." So you knew she was going to see him? Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?
And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever. I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful. Of course not she says. She did nothing wrong. So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across. So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun. I was yelled at that that's why she hates me. I am an awful mom. She wants to live with her dad. I never do anything for her. She stomped down to her room.
Huh...ok. But here's another thing. Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week? Again it's not about seeing their dad. It's about the lies. The deceit. All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me. Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma. Um ok why didn't you tell me? Because he's my dad. Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me? I don't know. You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad. AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad. It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me. How long has this been going on? All week. ALL WEEK?! What? Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma. And you don't think you should have told me? Or talked to me about it? Or seen if there was anything I could have done? No because I talked to my dad. But it isn't his week!!!!!
Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away. Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother. Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should. Of course NONE of that! And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.
Fast forward to this morning. Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school. I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week. Of course she said no. So I said then that's her answer. No she can't go. This one is hard for me. This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue. I was completely shocked. So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong. So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent. What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand! And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want. There is absolutely no supervision at his house. No boundaries. And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent. I don't have tons of rules. I don't set tons of limits. There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest! But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with. At least on the weeks they are with me. Even if that person is their father. And I expect them to do the same for him with me. Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first. Out of respect and co-parenting.
So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad. Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other. It's getting so old.
Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives. This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us. I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it. She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA. Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away. Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him. Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs. They are his puppets.
Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me? Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening? Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids? Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them. Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting? Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect? Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do? And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess? How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Hate
I have been on a spiritual high for a couple weeks now. I have dug down and I actually have some confidence again. I don’t believe everything was my fault. I do believe I have made mistakes. Whether anyone cares or not, I am human. I have feelings and emotions. Yes I’m a mother but also I am human. Sometimes the human takes over and I’m not as good of a mother as I want to be. But I finally felt good about me!
Oh but then Satan. Satan has a way of making that self doubt come back. It’s generally through someone else. Although sometimes it’s through my own mistakes. But wow did he hit me hard this last week.
People have so much hate. It’s like they see someone down and they can’t keep themselves from enjoying the hurt that person is in. And it even makes them want to make it worse for that person. Why? I don’t know maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone feeling worse than they do? Maybe jealousy?
I’m sure many people saw the nasty comments left on my blog post. I’m sure many people laughed at them. I’m sure many people told others to look (especially the one that posted them). I did respond once but to the 4 or 5 other comments that were left I didn’t even read them. The first one was enough to make me question myself again. It was enough to make me doubt who I thought I had become. I didn’t need to read the rest. All I got from the comments was that for years my husband was trashing me to other people. For years nothing good that I did was noticed. That instead of being my partner my husband was making me out to be a monster. Behind my back. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely I did. But so did he. He was trashing me and making sure to lift himself up to everyone else. And what o also found out is that people that were nice to my face were encouraging my husband to get rid of me. To split apart his family.
Our story didn’t start in Pocatello, Idaho. It didn’t start when we moved here in 2006. That’s when some of the people he associates with now met us. But we started many years before that. So for people to pretend that they know what our marriage has been since the beginning and feel the need to judge either of us . . . they honestly have no idea! They don’t know us. They know the man that turned his back. They know the big things but not the little things that led to them.
I’m done. I’m done reading the hate. I’m done feeling Satan’s power through his conduits. I’m a good person and I plan on remaining a good person. And I’m not letting it destroy me and I’m not going to continue to doubt myself.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
You - A Letter from Your Mother
I felt you inside of me. I loved you first! My heartbeat may have been the first sound you heard. Or maybe the sound of my voice. We were connected. I watched you take your first breath. I heard your first cry. I changed your first diaper. I was the first to look into your eyes. I saw what was inside of you. Who you really are. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I would watch you stare at lights as an infant and knew you were watching angels because you had such a spiritual light around you.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
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