Emma

After we had Lacey I knew I wanted more kids. It just wasn’t happening. It took us 5 years and fertility to get Emma. She was very wanted and she knows that. Honestly I think Jerame would have been happy stopping at one kid. He was such a good dad to Lacey. Always involved. Not quite as much with the other two. I’m not saying he wasn’t still a good dad but he wasn’t as involved with them.

Well I wanted another baby. Jerame was kind of supportive and we went to fertility doctors to have tests and check things out. Jerame was always the man that put his job first. So getting him to go get tests done was sometimes a fight. He had the easy tests. Mine were much more intrusive. We found out that he has so many swimmers he could knock up several women in one shot. Me on the other hand, not so good. My sisters have polycystic ovarian disease and had both been diagnosed by that time. Well turns out I have it too. Just not a severe as both of them. So Clomid was prescribed and I started my fertility experience. Six months of timing sex made it a lot less fun. It was a business instead of intimacy. Six months of periods and crying. Six months of devastation. The seventh month the doctors decided to try something more aggressive. We went to a class for Jerame to learn to give me injections in my butt. I hate needles so I wasn’t thrilled with this but I wanted a baby so bad. This drug was a lot more expensive than the Clomid so we knew we could only do this for one month. This time we didn’t have to time sex because we would be doing artificial insemination on a scheduled date and time.  So we did the shots and when the time came I put Jerame’s specimen between my legs to keep it warm and drove to the clinic. He didn’t come with me. We like to joke that I got pregnant in a different zip code by a woman. The doctor took the specimen from me when I got there and did whatever they do with it to get it ready.  I laid on one of those fun beds women get to use. Then the doctor came in and inserted the tube into my cervix and that was that. We waited. My period didn’t come but I was never really regular anyway so that wasn’t a definite answer. We decided to buy a test. I went into the bathroom while Jerame and Lacey waited outside. I couldn’t believe it . . . two lines. TWO LINES! I started screaming. Jerame and Lacey both ran to the bathroom door and were banging on it for me to let them in. Jerame thought the scream meant negative until I showed him the test

With Lacey I knew she was girl from the beginning. With this pregnancy I felt like it was boy and girl. It was confusing so I assumed I must just not be in tune this time. At 8 weeks of pregnancy because we had been doing fertility I went back into the clinic for our first ultrasound which would decide if they would release us to a regular OB. This was an internal ultrasound again since the baby would be so little still but I was ready for it this time. Two babies, two heartbeats. Twins! Jerame and I weren’t exactly sure how to react. We had just wanted one but now two? We were a little stunned at first. The doctor said she was a little worried about one of them because it was quite a bit smaller than the other. But two heartbeats so she said it was a viable twin pregnancy. 

On the way home that day it sank in. Twins. Jerame and my song was One Boy, One Girl by Collin Raye. At the end of that song the couple has twins. So we started getting excited. We called both sets of parents on the ride home to tell them the news. We were scheduled to go to my regular OB at12 weeks in which we would get another ultrasound. I researched ways twins need to sleep and cribs for that purpose. We were getting so excited!

Excited to see our babies again, we went in at 12 weeks for the ultrasound. That was a long ultrasound. The tech kept saying she wanted to get both babies in the same picture but could only get one at a time. Finally after about 15 minutes of trying she went and got the doctor. The doctor came in and within a minute told us one of the twins was gone. Vanishing twin he said. As much as we weren’t expecting twins it was still pretty crappy. It was a silent walk to the car. A silent drive home. I cried. Jerame was upset. Lacey was confused. But then I was only feeling girl. It was a girl. About a week before that ultrasound I had told Jerame I wasn’t feeling the boy anymore. This confirmed it.  At 20 weeks we had the ultrasound and sure enough it was Emma. 

Her labor was much easier than Lacey’s and she was quite a bit smaller. Lacey had been 9 pounds 4 ounces and Emma was 7 pounds 2 ounces. Lacey’s labor lasted days. Emma’s was six hours start to finish. My water broke right as Jerame was getting g ready for work so luckily he was home. My friend Laura went along to watch Lacey at the hospital while I was in labor. We had done some research on when it’s ok to have a child in the delivery room to watch the birth of a sibling and had made preparations in case she didn’t want to stay in the room. Lacey was sitting on a couch in my birthing room. They had taken the bottom part off the bed so I could give birth and set it up against the couch Lacey was on. She was five. Jerame had told her once the baby comes out to look away because it gets really gross. So Laura stood next to Lacey while I pushed. Lacey was hiding behind the part of the bed that was leaning against the couch on the opposite side of the room. There was a nurse in there that grabbed our cameras and started taking pictures of the birth! Eeeewww! So needless to say I have some pretty disgusting pictures of Emma’s birth. She also pulled a mirror up so I could watch which was not something I had wanted and trying to push with your eyes open isn’t easy! She kept telling me to look. As Emma’s head came out Jerame told Lacey, “There’s your sister.” Lacey peeked her head up to see and yelled, “that’s my sister!” Then her head was right back down behind the bed. That was enough for her. 

Emma had no medical problems in the hospital the way Lacey had. Easy from start to finish. And she’s kind of always been that way. Easy kid. She’s always been our most sensitive kid. When Aly was born two years after Emma, Emma started talking to herself. When I asked her who she was talking to she would always say, “my boy.” I asked her once where she met her boy and she said in Mommy’s tummy. She was 2. He stuck around for a while but was gone by the time she was four. I think she needed him. She didn’t get to be the baby quite as long as Lacey so I felt guilty. I tried to include her but with a new baby sometimes you don’t get everything you need. So that’s where her boy came in. Until Aly was old enough to be her friend. 

Emma is struggling with this divorce. She isn’t sure how to feel or who to be mad at. Neither Jerame or I have been the best at keeping our kids out of things. The last couple weeks it has been my goal to focus on being a mom. I focus on my relationships with my kids. I can’t control what he says and does but I can control my reactions. And my kids need me to. Especially Emma. So as I have said before I have started putting my focus where it is productive. It is not productive to focus any of my energy on my husband or marriage anymore. I am focusing on my kids, my church, and my church calling. Those are things I can control and that’s where my focus is going.

Pain

Hhhmmn, what do I say tonight? Tonight has been a pretty painful night. I’m not sure why it still hurts so much. Maybe because he has no compassion for the mother of his children. No loyalty to the woman he has been with for 23 years. But he lets another woman dictate how he treats me and what he does with and for me. That this woman could come in and just take everything that is mine and have no remorse for it. To prove his loyalty to her he treats the mother of his children like complete garbage. He won’t even talk to me. He won’t even look at me. He has turned everyone against me just to prove his loyalty to a horrible woman that caused the death of her husband by being a cheater. He isn’t even the first person she has cheated with. And he thinks she will be faithful to him? He told me they had stopped talking. I don’t even believe that they ever had stopped talking.

He knows I won’t let Sophie around her. He chose her over Sophie. His choice 100%. My biggest pain is that this man that has been her father since the day she was born has left her. Has decided she isn’t important enough. But this woman has treated me horribly and has convinced my husband to treat me horribly. So I have to say I won’t have my daughter around someone that manipulative and evil. He chooses to keep her in his life then he is choosing to lose Sophie. And that kills me. She loves him so much. I would keep the other kids away too if I could. But with them I don’t have a choice. But Sophie loses. In this situation she loses. She is the innocent victim. She’s the one that gets hurt. Because losing her obviously isn’t hurting him.

She is not the mother of my children. She has no right to be in their lives. You would think that when you move on after divorce you would find someone that would treat the mother/father of your children with respect. But in our situation that is not the case. She treats me badly and he defends her.  And then he treats me worse to prove his loyalty. She dictates what I deserve in the divorce. Well reality check is 50%! I deserve 50%! He gives me credit for nothing. That’s how egotistical he is.

So why does it hurt? I’ve seen better. I know there is better out there. In fact I went to Seattle last weekend to see a friend from my past. I had doors opened for me, I got to do what I wanted to do, and was treated with respect the whole weekend. He was a gentleman and didn’t expect anything from me. Jerame always expects sex when he’s nice for a day. I was able to relax and feel special and I felt so refreshed when I got back to Pocatello. He paid attention to me. The weekend was all about me. So I have seen how a man should treat a woman and Jerame was rarely that.

So why does it still hurt that he has absolutely no remorse or care for my feelings? Probably because this is not the man I know. He has become a mean and vindictive person. To please another woman he has done everything he can to try to destroy me in every way.

That’s why this is so painful. He hasn’t only betrayed me he has completely abandoned the child he said he loved as his own. Ouch.

Change

I think my reason for this blog has changed.  At first it was to prove to myself that my marriage wasn't nothing.  That it meant something.  It's kind of turned into a way to move on. 

I probably hate change more than anybody.  I like structure and knowing what's coming.  Well right now I don't have either.  I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I will be alone forever.  I don't know if I will ever have the comfort I had with Jerame with anyone else.  He knows everything about me, even the not so great stuff.  But unfortunately, for right now at least, I don't have that.

The major changes I am having to get used to are 1) not having someone in my bed (besides Sophie); 2) not having anyone to come home to or to come home to me; 3) finances, how the hell do I make ends meet?; 4) not knowing where I will be living in a year; 5) finding a way to parent alone and without any support what-so-ever; 6) feeling alone.

The feeling alone has actually gotten better over the last month or so.  I have some amazing friends that have helped me so much. They have listened to me cry and let me be angry. I'm not alone but I'm still alone if that makes any sense.  My family has been supportive and again they have listened to me cry and let me be angry.  It makes me wonder why I ever decided I didn't want to live close to them.  I have no family in Pocatello. None.  I definitely have some friends that feel like family but biologically none. I miss my mom, dad, and siblings and I wish I had them here.

I'm getting used to sleeping alone (besides Sophie).  But I still sleep on my side of the bed.  His is still open. I'm getting used to not coming home to anyone or anyone coming home to me. I have more time to read now, especially when my kids are with their dads. When they are with me it's crazy and chaotic most of the time with driver's ed, volleyball, cheer, and preschool. So when I have them I am way to busy to notice my lack of another adult in my house.

Parenting alone . . . that's a tough one.  I haven't had any support from him when I discipline so that makes it even harder.  The kids are all mad at me.  Somehow this whole thing has become my fault.  What do I even do about it?  Well my sister gave me an idea.  Right now I need to repair my relationships with my children and that is more important than parenting.  I spent 3 months desperate to save my marriage focusing all my energy on him.  I wasn't a bad mom but they weren't my focus either. My sister said that right now I have to be the mom that all of us roll our eyes at or that makes us want to vomit.  The mom that is oozing crazy love, overly perfect nastiness.  I have to get my kids to realize I am back.  I fell for a few months for sure.  I felt worthless and undesirable.  Still fighting that a little bit but I'm definitely feeling more valued and much better about myself.  So I am focusing my energy on my kids now.  I have also started focusing it on my church calling and fulfilling my commitments.  I am taking on two more working days.  I can do this. I am strong. I will fix me.

Finances are the hardest part for me.  Jerame and I built a comfortable life.  We didn't have a lot of extra money but we were able to live comfortably and  take our kids on some awesome vacations and keep them active. I don't make as much as him obviously. I am pretty sure I will have to sell my house soon because honestly I can't afford it.  He will get the razor and camper. I see him going into his future with someone and taking all of the things we had both worked for and wanted together and sharing them with her.  I feel screwed.  I feel abandoned.  I feel cheated.  This was my life and he is going to give it to someone else.  I wanted more education and he said no.  He encouraged me to quit my job or go part time to be with Sophie.  He bought me a car behind my back that I can't afford to pay for or drive.  I feel manipulated. We ran up debt together that he now says is my debt and refuses to help me pay.  I feel like Sophie and I are going to end up out on the streets and I will have no credit to help us out.  I feel what the hell did I do to deserve this? What did I do to him that makes him want to destroy me in every way but especially financially?  Why does he think I don't deserve half of what we built together?  Why does he think he gets it all and whatever I end up with is what he is "giving" me out of the kindness of his heart?

Anyway I hate change.  I hate not knowing what to expect.  But I am working on me and my kids now.  After everything that he has said and done to me I don't want him back. I want this divorce and I want it fast.  I can't feel like this forever and he will never let me feel better if he is in my life. So I can move on. I can be strong. Like a friend told me, I can do hard things.

Lacey

We were very young when we got married so of course we were pretty young when we started our family. Honestly we probably should have waited and enjoyed each other. Made our love grow. But all I had ever wanted was to be a mom. I don't know that we loved each other when we first got married but I do believe we fell in love.  He says differently right now. He says he doesn't think he was ever in love with me...he was just young and dumb and I was hot.  But I don't believe that. We have too much history for that to be true.

We tried for over two years to get pregnant. Crying every month when my period came or when a test came out negative.  It was hard. And I was pretty immature and wasn't able to see the bigger picture.

At the end of February 1998 Jerame and I went snowboarding at Boreal in the Sierra Nevada mountains.  I had never been before so Jerame was teaching me what he knew. I caught on fairly well but I did have the occasional crash.  Well I was about done for the day but Jerame convinced me to take one more run.  About halfway down I caught the front edge of the snowboard and laded flat on my stomach and face. I couldn't breathe. Jerame sat by me and told me to relax until I could breathe again. I was done.  I went and sat in the lodge while Jerame did a few more runs.

The very next month I got pregnant.  We joke to this day that when I fell I must have knocked and egg loose. So our family began.  I was 20 when I got pregnant, 21 when I had her. Jerame was 21 when I got pregnant and 22 when I had her.

At this point they did have ultrasounds and my first one was not quite what I expected.  We went into the doctor for our first visit and they wanted to do an ultrasound.  I've seen them on t.v. They put stuff on your belly and rub the camera around to see the baby.  Well not so early on and this was early on.  We watched as the ultrasound tech put what looked like a condom on a longer than I expected instrument. Weird but whatever. Then all of the sudden that thing was shoved up where the baby comes out.  Not what I was expecting. But we saw her.  I had a feeling that it was a girl but Jerame wanted a boy so bad.  At this early stage however we couldn't tell the sex of the baby. We had to wait until around 20 weeks for that.

Honestly I don't remember the ultrasound telling us that Lacey was a girl but we did find out...and the ultrasound was on top of my belly this time!

So we prepared. We decorated a nursery for her (although I admit now that it was way ugly! I had such terrible taste) with Disney babies on the wall.  My grandma bought me a crib. I'm sure my mom bought everything else. Lacey wasn't her first grandchild but I was her first daughter to carry a child to full term.  We picked the hospital we wanted to have her at and we of course thought we were ready for parenthood.  Nobody ever really knows what ready is until it happens.

We were renting a house in Lincoln, California and the hospital was a good 30 minute or more drive from our house.  Which in my case doesn't actually matter because my babies don't want to hurry out.  I started having contractions on December 21, 1998 which was a day after Lacey's actual due date.  Strong contractions. So we waited until they were five minutes apart like we had seen on t.v. and like the doctor had told us and we drove to the hospital. We're excited.  This is going to happen! They checked my cervix and I was dilated to a ..... one.  Yes you're having hard contractions they said but I wasn't dilated far enough to stay.  They let me walk around hoping that would start my dilation.

All of the sudden I thought my water broke so I was happy that would mean I got to stay and have this baby! Well they checked me again and I hadn't dilated anymore and my breaking water was just my bladder letting loose.  Yep I peed my pants. So they sent me home. I didn't know this at the time but this is how another one of my labors would go too. 

I went home still having string contractions. the next day we went back to the hospital, again I wasn't dilated enough to stay and have the baby so they sent me home again.  At this point, being my first child, I had no idea when to go in again because I didn't want to be sent back home again and obviously I wasn't dilating fast.  Finally on December 23 we decided to go in again. The woman that had sent me home the day before had said she felt bad sending me home because the monitor showed that my contractions were very intense. She checked my cervix again and . . . I was finally a 4 and could be admitted.

That was the longest night of our marriage to that point.  Jerame's mom was there and while my mom made her three hour drive to be there.  Jerame and his mom were playing checkers (my sister had made him a daddy kit for the hospital. I started having a contraction and told Jerame I needed his hand.  He looked at the checker board and looked at me . . . it was his move.  He said, "just a minute" and proceeded to make his move.  I told him I only have a minute and then I won't need his hand again.  Yeah he was always very attentive. I actually find most of Lacey's labor amusing in some way or another. We were young.  He didn't have to hold my hand every time.  Or was this a sign for the future? A sign for the future attentiveness that our marriage lacked?

Well one time that the doctor came in to check me my water broke while he was checking.  The nurse got me all cleaned up of course and left the room. Jerame leaned over to me and said, "that really stunk." Again this is just Jerame.  I'm sure he thought he was being funny and honestly it's amusing to me now.  I got him back when he had his vasectomy but that is a story for another post.

Finally, 4:48 a.m. on Christmas Eve Lacey made her initial debut in this world.  Unlike the labor, I only pushed for 10 minutes. She was 9 pounds and 4 ounces.  I'm sure I didn't know until the nurse told me that that is a pretty big baby. Especially for my tiny 105 pound (when I got pregnant) body. She was perfect. Still is perfect just more opinionated now.  Well the excitement only lasted a few minutes and I was told she wasn't getting enough oxygen and that they had to take her to the nursery.  I was exhausted after 3 days of labor and they assured me that it wasn't serious.  I told them I wanted to breast feed and to let me know when I needed to and to not bottle feed her. Well I woke up a couple hours later and asked if she needed fed.  They told me not to worry about it and that they had given her a bottle.  I was 21 years old.  This was my first baby. I didn't know what I was allowed and not allowed to do.  Finally they brought her to me in my recovery room.  I had never breast fed before.  I couldn't figure out how to get her to latch on.  Plus she had a bottle first so would she even take me after that? A nurse came in and helped me get her latched.  An hour later she was hungry again and again I was having trouble latching her.  A different nurse came in and Lacey was screaming.  She at first tried to help me get her to latch but then she noticed her lips were turning blue.  She took her back to the nursery.

Long story short, we found out that Lacey's right nostril was blocked by bone and she was having trouble getting enough oxygen.  She ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days.  I was released so Jerame and I got a hotel close to the hospital.  I pumped when I wasn't at the hospital and they fed her what I pumped.  Finally the day before she was released they had Jerame and I stay at the hospital with her.  We had seen baby's in the hospital for days without anyone visiting.  We were young and we looked younger than we were.  The doctors and nurses would talk to us like we were stupid. When Jerame's grandparents came to meet Lacey the doctor talked to them and not us.  We were there every day.  Both of us.  But they wanted to see how we could handle her without their help so we stayed in a hospital room with her.  It was decided she would need surgery to open her nostril when she was three and she eventually started getting enough oxygen. 

Finally on December 30, 1998, we were able to take Lacey home.  With her clogged nostril and the fact that she had had so many bottles it became difficult to nurse her anymore.  I stopped nursing her at 2 1/2 months old.  The shortest I nursed any of my girls.  Jerame was a huge help and a natural father from the beginning.  I had some postpartum depression and he was very supportive.

Lacey has grown into an amazing woman.  She is now married to an amazing man.  I know they will do great things.  I do feel like I have raised her to be a little too judgmental and not have enough empathy but maybe that is her age (20).  Maybe that will get better.  I love her to the moon and back . . . and even more than that.  I hope she knows that but I think sometimes I may not show it enough.  She's a lot like me with emotions. 

We Did This Together

Somtines the people we love the most are the ones we show the least appreciation for. We don’t notice the amazing things they do and we certainly don’t let them know we appreciate it. I’m guilty. He’s guilty. They’re the ones we lose our temper with faster. We take for granted that they will be there and that they aren’t going anywhere. At least those are the habits we got into very early in our marriage. We were so young when we got married that we were both so selfish and immature and we got into bad habits of how we spoke to each other and how we treated each other. We really didn’t know what we were doing.

I didn’t give him as much credit as I should have for being an amazing provider for all of us. He didn’t give me the credit for what I have done to help support our family and all the time I put into our kids.

We made this huge decision in 2006 to up and move our entire life to Idhao. He was tired of the pace of California and I loved him and would go where he wanted. So Pocatello it was. He moved to Pocatello before me. I stayed back trying to sell the house and he lived in our camper at the KOA in the middle of winter. We talked every day. I hated being the only parent. Again you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone. Finally we decided that we’d find a rental house in Pocatello while still trying to sell our house in California so we could be together. Times were tough because we had rent and a house payment to make. So I got a job working night audit at Holiday Inn to help out. And this he took for granted and doesn’t give me credit for. I definitely have never been the main provider in our house but I have definitely helped when needed. Night audit was hard. I’d go to work at 10:00 pm and come home at 6:00 am and hope my little kids that weren’t in school would sleep as late as possible.

Well one time to help me out he took Emma, who was two, to work with him so I could get some sleep. That backfired. He didn’t have the luxuries he had with his job in California. His new boss was not ok with it. So he brought her back home. This started the thought that maybe working for ourselves was a much better idea because then we would have the flexibility for him to help out with the kids.

So we bought the body shop. We had no idea what we were doing. I spent hours on the phone learning the estimating system. I spent time with the accountant learning quickbooks. He spent time with paint stores trying to figure out which brand to go with. He spent time at the shop setting things up the way he wanted. I spent time setting up accounts with parts dealers. We both spent time with the SBA  learning how to run a business and how to apply for loans. We were both into it 100% and we did it together. Something I don’t get credit for. It was his trade that we sold that’s the truth. But he couldn’t have done the computer stuff without me. I don’t want to discredit how hard he worked because he worked his butt off. But so did I.

That first year was the most stressful year of our marriage. We didn’t have an income. We lived off credit cards. We may have gotten in over our heads with this business thing. But it was our plan for our future and we were determined to make it work. But yes fights about money were definitely par for the course. He needed to spend money to make money and we just didn’t always have the money to spend. So we both realized we needed to do something because we were sinking. We both got second jobs. I did the books at the shop and worked graveyards at the hotel again. He painted at the shop and got a job stocking shelves at Lowe’s for a few hours before the shop opened. Whenever I was at the shop doing books, so were the 3-year-old and 1-year-old. It was hard. For both of us. It was hard on our marriage. It was hard on our kids. We were exhausted but still determined. I don’t know that either of us gave the credit to the other for how hard we were both working. And I think he always thought and still thinks his contribution was way more than mine. But when I wasn’t working I was raising our kids. And I think that goes unnoticed in many marriages. We did it 100% together. There was overlap in our second jobs where the kids were home sleeping alone until I got home after I got off at 6:00 am. Lacey was 9 and it always worried us but they were all still asleep when I got home and nothing ever happened. It was hard for everyone. I did the books for 4 years at the shop and recently in argument he has said that I don’t deserve any of the shop because I only did the books for 1 year. Lack of appreciation. Lack of noticing what I contributed. It hurt that he honestly can’t see how much I have contributed.

So yes we did this together. It was so hard. And yes I do believe I deserve credit for my contributions to our life. Again I am not trying to downplay his contributions because they have been huge. He has always been an amazing provider. I cannot and will not say otherwise. But I helped. I supported. I raised our  kids. I put my dreams on hold to help him get to where he is today. What are my dreams? I would love to be a lawyer. I settled for paralegal which is definitely a few dozen pay grades below lawyer. I don’t get credit for that. It seems that he feels like anything I get in the divorce is what he is being nice enough to let me have. It’s all mine too. I deserve everything I get. I earned it. I earned it. I worked just as hard as he did. We did this together.

WE DID THIS TOGETHER!