I think my reason for this blog has changed. At first it was to prove to myself that my marriage wasn't nothing. That it meant something. It's kind of turned into a way to move on.
I probably hate change more than anybody. I like structure and knowing what's coming. Well right now I don't have either. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I will be alone forever. I don't know if I will ever have the comfort I had with Jerame with anyone else. He knows everything about me, even the not so great stuff. But unfortunately, for right now at least, I don't have that.
The major changes I am having to get used to are 1) not having someone in my bed (besides Sophie); 2) not having anyone to come home to or to come home to me; 3) finances, how the hell do I make ends meet?; 4) not knowing where I will be living in a year; 5) finding a way to parent alone and without any support what-so-ever; 6) feeling alone.
The feeling alone has actually gotten better over the last month or so. I have some amazing friends that have helped me so much. They have listened to me cry and let me be angry. I'm not alone but I'm still alone if that makes any sense. My family has been supportive and again they have listened to me cry and let me be angry. It makes me wonder why I ever decided I didn't want to live close to them. I have no family in Pocatello. None. I definitely have some friends that feel like family but biologically none. I miss my mom, dad, and siblings and I wish I had them here.
I'm getting used to sleeping alone (besides Sophie). But I still sleep on my side of the bed. His is still open. I'm getting used to not coming home to anyone or anyone coming home to me. I have more time to read now, especially when my kids are with their dads. When they are with me it's crazy and chaotic most of the time with driver's ed, volleyball, cheer, and preschool. So when I have them I am way to busy to notice my lack of another adult in my house.
Parenting alone . . . that's a tough one. I haven't had any support from him when I discipline so that makes it even harder. The kids are all mad at me. Somehow this whole thing has become my fault. What do I even do about it? Well my sister gave me an idea. Right now I need to repair my relationships with my children and that is more important than parenting. I spent 3 months desperate to save my marriage focusing all my energy on him. I wasn't a bad mom but they weren't my focus either. My sister said that right now I have to be the mom that all of us roll our eyes at or that makes us want to vomit. The mom that is oozing crazy love, overly perfect nastiness. I have to get my kids to realize I am back. I fell for a few months for sure. I felt worthless and undesirable. Still fighting that a little bit but I'm definitely feeling more valued and much better about myself. So I am focusing my energy on my kids now. I have also started focusing it on my church calling and fulfilling my commitments. I am taking on two more working days. I can do this. I am strong. I will fix me.
Finances are the hardest part for me. Jerame and I built a comfortable life. We didn't have a lot of extra money but we were able to live comfortably and take our kids on some awesome vacations and keep them active. I don't make as much as him obviously. I am pretty sure I will have to sell my house soon because honestly I can't afford it. He will get the razor and camper. I see him going into his future with someone and taking all of the things we had both worked for and wanted together and sharing them with her. I feel screwed. I feel abandoned. I feel cheated. This was my life and he is going to give it to someone else. I wanted more education and he said no. He encouraged me to quit my job or go part time to be with Sophie. He bought me a car behind my back that I can't afford to pay for or drive. I feel manipulated. We ran up debt together that he now says is my debt and refuses to help me pay. I feel like Sophie and I are going to end up out on the streets and I will have no credit to help us out. I feel what the hell did I do to deserve this? What did I do to him that makes him want to destroy me in every way but especially financially? Why does he think I don't deserve half of what we built together? Why does he think he gets it all and whatever I end up with is what he is "giving" me out of the kindness of his heart?
Anyway I hate change. I hate not knowing what to expect. But I am working on me and my kids now. After everything that he has said and done to me I don't want him back. I want this divorce and I want it fast. I can't feel like this forever and he will never let me feel better if he is in my life. So I can move on. I can be strong. Like a friend told me, I can do hard things.
