Hate

I have been on a spiritual high for a couple weeks now. I have dug down and I actually have some confidence again. I don’t believe everything was my fault. I do believe I have made mistakes. Whether anyone cares or not, I am human. I have feelings and emotions. Yes I’m a mother but also I am human. Sometimes the human takes over and I’m not as good of a mother as I want to be. But I finally felt good about me!

Oh but then Satan. Satan has a way of making that self doubt come back. It’s generally through someone else. Although sometimes it’s through my own mistakes. But wow did he hit me hard this last week. 

People have so much hate. It’s like they see someone down and they can’t keep themselves from enjoying the hurt that person is in. And it even makes them want to make it worse for that person. Why? I don’t know maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone feeling worse than they do? Maybe jealousy? 

I’m sure many people saw the nasty comments left on my blog post. I’m sure many people laughed at them. I’m sure many people told others to look (especially the one that posted them). I did respond once but to the 4 or 5 other comments that were left I didn’t even read them. The first one was enough to make me question myself again. It was enough to make me doubt who I thought I had become. I didn’t need to read the rest. All I got from the comments was that for years my husband was trashing me to other people. For years nothing good that I did was noticed. That instead of being my partner my husband was making me out to be a monster. Behind my back. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely I did. But so did he. He was trashing me and making sure to lift himself up to everyone else. And what o also found out is that people that were nice to my face were encouraging my husband to get rid of me. To split apart his family. 

Our story didn’t start in Pocatello, Idaho. It didn’t start when we moved here in 2006. That’s when some of the people he associates with now met us.  But we started many years before that. So for people to pretend that they know what our marriage has been since the beginning and feel the need to judge either of us . . . they honestly have no idea! They don’t know us. They know the man that turned his back. They know the big things but not the little things that led to them.

I’m done. I’m done reading the hate. I’m done feeling Satan’s power through his conduits. I’m a good person and I plan on remaining a good person. And I’m not letting it destroy me and I’m not going to continue to doubt myself. 

You - A Letter from Your Mother

I felt you inside of me.  I loved you first! My heartbeat may have been the first sound you heard.  Or maybe the sound of my voice.  We were connected.  I watched you take your first breath. I heard your first cry.  I changed your first diaper. I was the first to look into your eyes.  I saw what was inside of you.  Who you really are.  I know you better than anyone else in the world.  I would watch you stare at lights as an infant and knew you were watching angels because you had such a spiritual light around you. 

I nursed you.  I cuddled and kissed you.  I held you close and sang you songs.  I laid with you when you fell asleep.  I cried when you cried.  I felt your pain.  I hurt for you.  I have worried for you.

You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic.  You have always felt what other people feel.  You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.

That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside.  Because I know you.  I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything.  This is happening to you not because of you.  But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it.  I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.

I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it.  You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me.  And it is not your fault.  You are hurting.  And I see that.  I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me.  I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.

You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart.  Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain.  You feel alone.  You feel sad.  You feel overwhelmed.  You feel tired.  You feel angry.  You feel unimportant.

You are hurting. 

Baby you are important.  You can do anything.  You are smart and beautiful.  You are going to get through this and be stronger.   And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you.  When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking.  Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope.  And I know that.  But I still know you.  I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside.  You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you.  It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me.  I cry for you too.  I hurt for you too.  I will always be your mommy.  I will always be here for you.  I'm not going anywhere. 

But I promise you are NOT alone.  Please don't forget that you are special to me.  I love you now even more than I did at our beginning.  You will always be my baby.  I am going to fix your pain.  Just know that it will take some time.  But you have to let me try.  I love you most-er-est-er-est.

All the Right Things

For months I have been working on bettering myself.  I have been working on gaining a strong testimony in my faith. I have been making the right choices for my faith.  I am not drinking. I am not having sex with my boyfriend.  I am working on not swearing...although this one I admit that I struggle the most with.  I am working on my parenting and patience and honestly I feel like I am doing a great job in those areas. I am working on listening to what my kids need. I am doing all the right things.

I see the improvements in my life spiritually.  I am feeling my Heavenly Father's love.  I am seeing the blessings I have been given.  I am doing all the right things.

So why does it feel like I move forward one step and then get knocked back three, or four, or fifty?!

The answer is simple . . . my kids.  I have spent almost 21 years being a mother.  Pretty much only a mother.  I have been known as Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Aly's mom, Sophie's mom, or Jerame's wife.  Rarely have I been known as Kelli.  I don't have much of an identity without those other five names preceding me. Why?  Because they have been my life.  I gave up a career and a way to support myself to raise my kids and support my husband in his career.  It's not their fault.  I chose it.  But I also couldn't see the future financial struggle coming my way.

I do see the rewards of what I have done.  I have amazingly smart children. Every single one of them.  They all work hard at school and in their activities and excel at everything they do.  All of my girls are gorgeous.  They are healthy.  I have been lucky as a mother to be blessed with the chance to be a part of their lives.  It was worth giving up my identity.

So here I sit. No husband, no support from my children, no respect from any of them . . . and still without an identity.

Here's what I want to do.  I want to go back to school.  I want to get a degree.  I want to be independent.  I want to travel.  I especially want to do service. I want to help people.  I want to be respected.  I want my children to care.  I want my ex-husband to respect me and try to be friendly.  I want the same from Sophie's dad.  I want my children to respect me.  I want to have my children stop throwing daggers at me in the form of words.  I want the same from their father. I want to matter.  I want to be important.  Doesn't everyone? 

Jerame is very good at hurting me through my kids.  I am doing everything right but he still has that control.  I don't love him anymore, that's not what this is about.  But I do love my kids.  He has effectively poisoned them against me and continues to do so. I cannot discipline because he will undermine me.  If I try they then tell me they want to live with their dad.  He doesn't discipline and is rarely around so the lack of supervision is appealing for them.  And he has money.  I don't. He can buy them whatever they want.  I can't.  The things they say to me I know they didn't come up with on their own. I know they are being told things by their father.  The problem is that they are mostly untrue things or extreme exaggerations meant to hurt me or scare me.

But I am not scared.  I am doing all the right things.  I am focused.  I have plans.  Good plans.  But the words still hurt.  The disrespect and ungratefulness still hurt. I just hope that some day my children will see the truth. That one day they will at least let me tell my side instead of believing the lies they so readily believe now.  That they even hunger for to help their hate grow.

I hope they see that hate is not the answer.  Love is the answer.  Understanding is the answer.  Hate is eating alive my oldest two right now.  They are blinded by it. 

I know what you're thinking, or maybe it's just my thoughts, but I don't hate Jerame.  I am hurt by him.  I am confused by him.  But I don't hate him.

I am doing all the right things.  Things are getting better.  There is just one area in my life that I desperately want to change for the better.  And that's area is my relationships with my children.  That is my biggest stumbling block.  That is where I don't know what to do. That is my biggest defeat.

Letting Go

Well this has been a very long seven months. I have struggled with my actions and feelings.  I have all but lost some of my children. I was with the same man for 23 years. I didn't want to let go of the life we had and the comfort we had.

Well I have started dating. In doing that I have come to realize that maybe the life we had wasn't so comfortable. It was just . . . blah.  We didn't respect each other.  We didn't worry about each other.  We were married young and got into immature bad habits in our communication.  Did I ever love him?  I think so.  Was he what I wanted for my future even when I was a little girl?  No. Not at all.  When I was little I wanted to be married to a man that could marry me in the temple.  Oh how teenage years made me forget that.

That being said it wasn't all bad.  Look at my beautiful girls.  They are half him.  They are amazing because they are who they are.  And they are who they are because of both of us.  We had good times.  We had bad times.  We had blah times.

But here I am now. All of the fighting over the last several months, what exactly was it for? It wasn't for possessions or even fairness.  Honestly, it was for a life I was afraid to let go of.  Not because of money or anything like that, but because it was what I knew.  Change terrifies me.  Was I happy? Definitely not.  But I thought I was because it was what I knew.  Not knowing what's next is scary.

For months before Jerame left I had gotten back into the church to find out for myself if it was true.  I started wanting that temple marriage again and figuring I could maybe get Jerame there some day when he saw how happy the church was making me.  He'd of course want that too right? Some pretty awesome things were happening and everything was making sense to me...except my marriage.  I prayed every day for my marriage.  It wasn't bad but I wanted it to be good.  So I prayed that Jerame and I could "fix" our marriage. I prayed so hard.  I was seeing answers to other prayers but this one was a work in progress.

Well then the day came, he wanted a divorce.  I was shocked.  I didn't see it coming.  But then at the front of my mind was this thought, "Oh no, is this the answer?" I wanted it fixed but fixed can mean so many things.  I had prayed that we would figure things out with each other.  Did that mean divorce?  I wanted a temple marriage and honestly I wasn't convinced he would get me there.  Was this the answer to my prayers.  Of course that thought was pushed right out.  No it was an answer but it was an answer in the form of a wake-up call.  I was convinced this was the answer telling me I was neglecting my marriage.  Ok then, I would change that.  I would focus on him.

Well he didn't want that.  He wanted someone else and with someone else comes a divorce. I fought tooth and nail.  I wasn't going to let him go easily.  He was going to see the mistake he made and I was going to make sure of it.

Through divorce proceedings, I also don't want to get taken advantage of, and he doesn't want to let material things go or buy me out of them.  I want fair.  I just want fair. 

He asked me a week or so ago if he could come get some items from my house that he feels are his.  Absolutely not I said! If he takes them then he will never be fair about the divorce.  That's what I thought.

Crazy thing happened.  I found someone. Finding someone made me realize that what I have always wanted is actually still possible after all the mistakes I have made in the past.  I can have what I want and I can be treated so much better! And finding someone made me realize that I don't care.  I just don't care. What was I really fighting over? Was it really money and possessions? Nope.  It was fighting over letting go.  I was afraid to let go.  I thought that our life was the one I wanted.  But now I realize the one I wanted when I was a little girl is the one I want now.  Jerame will never get me to the temple.  We weren't nice to each other.  We just were.  That's it.  We existed.  I don't want that life anymore.  I don't care about pianos and four wheelers.  I still want to be treated fairly in the divorce, don't get me wrong.  But I guess I just don't care as much anymore if I'm not.  Don't worry I'm not rolling over.  I'm not giving up.  But I am letting go.  Letting go of the life I never really wanted anyway. Letting go of the pain.  Letting go of the sadness.  Yeah it took seven months but hey I was trying to let go of 23 years.  That's a huge thing.

I told him to come pick up everything on his list.  He knows I want it all sold and for us to split the profit. But I'm not letting it eat me up inside anymore.  I don't want the things.  I don't want our life together. I just want to be free.  And not letting go was holding me back from so much.

I can see my future and it can be the one I wanted.  It will never be the one I had but maybe that's actually a good thing. I can start fresh in my new house.  I can start fresh with a new person.  My family dynamic may change.  But maybe that's actually good for me and my kids (I was convinced it was terrible for us!). I see camping in the future and it isn't in a huge fifth wheel.  But honestly I was always the one that wanted the tent camping.  So maybe I'm getting what I want finally.  I'm happy and it's because I can actually see what's coming and I am so in love with it. I was fighting for the wrong thing.  So I let go.  And it feels amazing.

Limbo

Currently I am trying to (1) get a divorce, (2) have a relationship with my kids, (3) sell my house, and (4) find some stability.  Unfortunately the stability doesn't come until 1, 2, and 3 are completed!

(1) Divorce - This is proving to be harder than I thought.  Right now I feel like I am constantly being degraded and beat down.  My parenting is being questioned by my husband and my kids.  The funny thing is that I know all of them know I'm a good mom.  Do I have emotions?  Absolutely I do!  And I show them.  But honestly what is wrong with teaching your kids that those emotions are normal and ok and HEALTHY? Why does society think our emotions should be hidden?

My value is being questioned by my husband, my kids, and . . . yeah myself. I mean it isn't hard to see why my self esteem is so low.  My husband left me for another woman.  The exact kind of woman he always told me he didn't like.  He always wanted me to be natural and wear minimal make-up.  Honestly this woman wears about 6 inches of make-up and I'm pretty sure her face would crumble if slightly touched because it just might be made of powder.  Fake hair, fake boobs, fake tan...totally fake.  Nothing my husband ever wanted me to be.  So yeah I feel like I wasn't good enough physically, my personality wasn't good enough, and my feelings weren't good enough.  Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. And if I though that before it is that ten times worse now.  For instance, I texted Jerame to let him know that a company on a floor above my floor at work was going out of business and that they were giving away file cabinets if he needed any.  What do you think his reply was? "No and don't text me anymore unless it's about the kids." Am I really nothing? Am I that insignificant that being nice is rewarded in that way?  After 23 years and three kids he treats me as though I am nothing.  He has to prove to his girlfriend that he is loyal to only her.  Maybe that isn't a healthy girlfriend then.  One that won't let you be civil to the mother of your children.  That's great for our kids.

I am being told I don't deserve to live a comfortable life. I am lied to about how much he makes so he has to pay less child support.  I am being lied to about money constantly.  he has tried to sell my car out from under me several times.  He thinks my car is too expensive when his truck costs more.  I am not worthy of anything.  And maybe he has me convinced.

(2) Having a Relationship with my Kids - Again this is a no brainer right? You'd think after everything I have done over the years for my family that this would be easy.  It may actually be the hardest part of this process.  My kids are broken.  They are hurting.  They are confused. They don't know who to please.  I wish they knew it isn't their job to please anyone.  They should just get to be kids.  Unfortunately they are feeling emotions I can't even fathom.  I always thought parenting was easy.  It was with Lacey...I thought.  But apparently everything I have done, every sacrifice I have made for my kids is not enough.  Emma sang a song in church on Sunday for Mother's Day.  It was beautiful and in it the tag line is "Mommy you're doing enough."  All I could think was that that is not true in my case.  Again everything I say and do is wrong.  I can't do any right in their eyes. So I definitely am not doing enough.  I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally . . . exhausted. I can't win. I can't defend myself.  I can't suggest anything.  I have no money so it's their dad that is able to take them to do fun things. At my house we sit around and hope to scrounge up food.  I'm boring.

(3) Selling the House - Ugh I hate this so much.  First I love my house. None of my kids want to move out of it. I of course and the one being blamed for selling it even though I have to sell it because their dad left me.  But it's my fault.  Everything is my fault.  I have to keep everything extra clean and work a full time job and be a mom to three kids.  Again I am exhausted. I had a lot of showings the first week but no offers.  The second week barely any showings.  I can't get stable until I sell, know how much I will make, can find a new home, and know how much my monthly bills will total.  None of that happens until I sell the house.

(4) Stability - I have trouble seeing this ever happening. I'm trying to do all of this alone. That's so hard. On top of everything I am having health issues that make me even more physically tired than usual. I can't be stable until all of the criteria above is met.  It's been made clear that I am of no value to my kids or my husband. And maybe to my self either.  I am constantly reminded of my short comings but never noticed for the good I do.  I am under a microscope.  It eventually wears on you.  It's hard to breathe. It's hard to not cry. 

I am being strong though.  I have pushed through each wall that has been placed in my way so far.  I keep saying I can't take any more and them another wall goes up showing me that I can.  I don't want to but I can.  I'm not strong by any means.  This whole thing that has been going on for the last 7 months has broken me down.  I've been shattered.  I'm scared. But I seem to keep going, much to the chagrin of my husband and his trophy girlfriend.

Sophia

Here's a story that doesn't exactly make me look good but here it is anyway.   Sophie is not Jerame's child.  I think most people know that.  I don't hide that fact.  But maybe a little less known is her story.

Jerame and I weren't in a good place.  Our marriage was struggling. Like now, the main reason is because of the lack of maintenance on both sides.  It takes two.  I felt lonely.  He always worked late. He never wanted to go out with me.  For years Mother's Day wasn't anything big.  When I would get upset he would tell me mater-of-factly that I wasn't his mother. This may be another reason my kids have little respect for me.  They were never taught to appreciate their mother by their father. I know I wasn't great at showing appreciation either but I do feel like I showed more than he did. Anyway, I got some attention from someone else.  It felt so good to be noticed and appreciated even though looking back now it sure wasn't what I thought it was at the time.  I had an affair.  This man was a married man and every part of me knew it was wrong.  But I felt loved again.  That's something I wasn't getting at home.  This affair went on for a while, while Jerame and I were going through our first divorce.  Some of it Jerame and I were living together and some of it we weren't.  It was wrong and there is never an excuse for an affair.  But there are reasons that it happened whether or not they are good reasons.  I have regretted this for so long.  I tore my family apart that time.  It's one of the reasons I believe Lacey has such hard feelings for me still. 

Anyway the month our divorce was final, July 2013, I ended up pregnant.  I grew up in a very Mormon home and I was so panicked.  I was sure everyone would disown me...my family, my friends.  I called my sister Traci when I found out.  But Traci wasn't the one that answered her phone.  She was out at my parent's house and my dad was the one that answered her phone.  Terrified of his response I told him I was pregnant and it wasn't Jerame's baby.  You know what?  He still loved me.  He told me that he was there for me and the baby and that he loved me.  I cried.  My parents have always had my back.

But how would I tell my kids?  Lacey was already very angry with me for the affair and the divorce.  I didn't tell them at first.  The first thing I did was try to repair a friendship with Jerame so there would be less tension in our family and for my pregnancy.  I went to his house one night and he was folding clothes.  I sat on his bed and told him we needed to figure out how to be friends for our kids' sake. He looked me right in the eye and asked me what was wrong.  I had been acting strange he said.  I told him I was fine.  Then, still looking me in the eye he said, "are you pregnant?" He's always been the one to know me inside and out.  He just knew.  I started crying and he held me...for a long time.

For the next couple weeks every time I would get upset about something he was there.  I would call him up and he would say he was on his way.  He watched movies with me.  He let me cry.  This is what had been missing in our marriage.  Our friendship.  But it was back. And it felt good.  I felt closer to him than I had in years.  In January of 2014 Jerame decided to move back home.  The kids were rightfully worried because they didn't want to go through a divorce again.  Jerame told me honestly when he moved in that when the baby was born he may not stay.  It was hard for him that this baby wasn't his baby.  He wasn't there for all of the appointments or every time I needed an IV.  It was understandably a hard situation for him.  But he was there for me.  He didn't like or want to feel her move inside me.  But I understood.

Then it was time to tell my kids.  I had them all gather in the living room, Lacey would only stand by the kitchen sink because she knew something was up. I was terrified.  Lacey and I were already not in a great place.  It had been getting better but now I was going to ruin it.  I was pregnant, out of wedlock.  I had raised my kids Mormon too so it wouldn't be a great thing to them.  Finally I told the girls I was having a baby.  Emma got excited but then realized everyone else was a little more serious.  I was focused on Lacey.  That's where my fear was.  She looked right at me and said, "That's ok mom.  Everyone makes mistakes.  We will get through this together." I started crying.  This amazing young woman deserved more credit than I gave her.  All of the sudden Emma said, "Aly why are you crying?"  I had been so focused on Lacey that I didn't even realize Aly, who was sitting on my lap, was in tears.  She replied to Emma, "I wanted to be the baby forever!"  Ok I could handle that.  Later that night I called Jerame and told him I was worried Lacey was holding her anger in.  He came and picked her up and took her for a drive.  He asked her how she was feeling about the baby.  She told him that she knew that she and I had been having a rough time lately but that she needed to fix it because I really needed her.  She was 14.

The day, a Monday, Sophie was born I had gone to the doctor telling him I wanted induced because my daughter was being baptized that weekend and I didn't want to miss it.  I still had 12 days until I was due.  Because I had gestational diabetes there was a chance that Sophie's lungs weren't developed all the way so my doctor told me we had to do an amniocentesis to make sure her lungs were developed enough. So let me tell you...that scared the crap out of me! Who wants a giant needle being stuck into their stomach?  But dang it I wanted the kid out! I was down in radiology and I was sweating! Light headed! The doctor came in and did the numbing shots and I will tell you I was worked up for nothing.  That was the worst part.  Once the big needle went in I couldn't even feel it! So ladies if you ever have to get one don't freak out like I did! It was easy!

Well her lungs were developed enough and my doctor said he would induce the next morning but he wanted to try a cervical balloon.  What's that? Here you go if you want to know https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322956.php.  Anyway it took my doctor quite a while to insert it, 45 minutes maybe?  He said it may put me into labor that night and if it did to come back in when the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart.  Lacey and my mom had been waiting in the waiting room for me.

We got in the car and I started driving us home. Before I even hit the freeway I was having contractions.  I looked down and the gas tank was almost empty.  I had planned on stopping to get gas on the way home but with the contractions I just wanted to get home.  So I made a mental note to ask Jerame to go get gas when I got home.  Then Lacey could tell I was holding my breath or something because she asked if I was having contractions.  I told her I was.  Lucky for me she had her permit so she made me pull over and let her drive us home.

We got home and Jerame and my dad were out fixing a fence in the backyard.  I laid down and continued to have contractions.  They were hard and close together.  But I had two babies that took days to be born and I kept being sent home.  Jerame and my parents were timing my contractions.  they we re about 2 minutes apart.  Finally at about midnight Jerame said we should go in anyway just to check.  I agreed and got up to go to the bathroom first.  As I stood up I felt a rush of fluid. Hey I think my water broke.  this was good because I knew that going into the hospital they wouldn't send me home if my water broke.  I went in the bathroom to clean up before we left.  Now it gets graphic so beware.  I pulled down my pants and all I saw was blood. A LOT of blood. I screamed for Jerame and he came running to the bathroom.  He screamed, "What is hanging out between your legs?" Ok so I had totally forgotten the cervical balloon.  The tubes dangle out of your baby exit so that the balloon can be either filled or emptied, and of course they're also covered in blood.  I'm screaming at Jerame not to worry about it and that I was worried about the blood.  He wa screaming asking if he should pull on it.  It would have been quite comedic if it hadn't been for the fact that I knew blood in labor wasn't a good sign.

Well now we're in a rush! I have never had to rush to the hospital before so this was new to me.  We head down the hall to the car and pass my mom, who was supposed to go to the hospital with us, headed the other way to the bathroom.  We get to the garage and Jerame asks where my mom was and I told him I think she went to the bathroom.  It's funny because we both thought we were loud enough that she knew we were in a hurry! Maybe we weren't?  SO my dad runs down the hall and knocks on the bathroom door to tell my mom we are about to leave without her.  She comes out of the bathroom and hurries to the garage.  Jerame, Mom, Lacey and I are headed to the hospital.  My dad is staying behind to wake the other two girls up and take them to the hospital.

So we all get in the car and start backin gout and Jerame looks down at the gas gage and says, "Who was going to tell me we are out of gas?"  It was so low it wouldn't even register.  Well we left anyway and hoped we'd get all the way to the hospital knowing that if we didn't my dad was right behind us.  We made it though! We got to the hospital and went to labor and delivery.  I told the nurse I was bleeding a lot.  She checked me and I was 4 centimeters.  I got settled. I wasn't going to be sent home this time!  Then a little while later a doctor came in to check me and as soon as he pulled back the covers and saw all the blood he looked worried.  the nurse whispered to him, loud enough that I could hear, that I had been bleeding since I came in.  So obviously I realize this could be a problem. Nobody said anything to me about why I was bleeding and it never did cause any problems.  So I guess it must have been the cervical balloon. 

One of my most prideful moments as a mother came when I told Lacey, during labor, to do drugs.  I did elaborate not to do the ones that aren't in a hospital.

There was one problem though, Sophie was turned sideways so she wouldn't drop down into the birth canal.  My doctor kept coming in and saying he thought I would have had her by now. Well then he used me as a learning experience and taught a medical student how to turn a baby.  Lacey later told me that she was amazed to see three arms up to the elbow inside me.  Although she did lean over to me after Sophie was born and ask me if that went back to normal or if it stayed that way.  Jerame was nice enough to tell her that if it didn't go back there'd only be one kid.  Sophie was being stubborn and not wanting to turn.  I heard the nurse asking if the doctor she needed to get things ready for a C-section.  He told her not yet.  Finally, after quite a bit of trying, they were able to get Sophie to turn and minutes after that she was born.  My mom, Lacey, Emma, and Jerame were all in the room when this moment happened.  Jerame wasn't by my side like he had been with the others but he was in the room watching.  My dad brought Aly in to meet Sophia.  Aly took one look at her and said, "I'm already in love with her." So that problem was fixed!

Later that day I was holding Sophie but had to go to the bathroom. I went to hand her to Jerame and said, "Go see...." and paused because I didn't know what she should call him.  He took her from me and said, "Dad...I'm just dad."  And he was from that moment on. He didn't leave after she was born.  With all the custody crap we went through he was by my side.  At least he made me think he was.  At least I thought we were better. Sophie brought us all back together in the strangest way.  She saved our family.

The sad part in this whole story is that Sophie is the one that loses the most.   Because of his manipulation of my children, I won't allow him to have Sophie over night or for any period of time at all without me present. I don't want her around the people he has in his life, especially his girlfriend that would stop at nothing to turn my kids against me. I will not put Sophie in that situation and he refuses to make any sacrifices to be able to have her in his life. He chose his new life over Sophie. Of course he blames me for it. It kills me. He doesn't even try calling her or seeing her (which he could do with me present but refuses). Lacey also doesn't call Sophie or try to see her at all. These two very important people in her life have left her. Because I am part of Sophie's package everyone has decided she isn't worth having to see or talk to me.  Her other two sisters are at their dad's house half of the time so she has actually lost a lot of them too. She loses. More than me. More than Jerame. More than her sisters. She loses. It kills me.  She didn't ask for the situation she was born into nor the one she is living right now.  I put her in both situations and for that I am so sorry to her.

Trying to Make Sense

I’m the bad guy. The one that has always been there for my kids. Yep I’m the bad guy. I’m not supposed to have emotion. I can’t punish my kids. I’m not allowed to talk to my kids. I’m not allowed to have feelings.

I was the one that volunteered in classrooms. I was the one that signed them up for every activity they ever did. I was the one that potty trained them. Took them to every doctor’s appointment. Every dentist appointment. To the orthodontist. To the eye doctor.  I planned every birthday party and trust me I never did small. I planned every vacation. I volunteered at the place Lacey did theater because she loved it and we couldn’t pay for it.

When Lacey won her way to London for cheer I was the one that made it happen. Yes there was a lot of bugging Jerame for money to pay for it. Same with Emma and the American Heritage Tour. I’m the one that found a tutor when Emma and Aly we’re struggling with math. I check their grades and keep track of missing assignments. I was the one that hurt when my kids hurt because someone was mean to them at school. Probably more than they hurt. I was the one Lacey cried to when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.

Bonfires when Lacey was a teenager, I’m the one that supervised while Jerame sat his ass on the couch watching TV. Like he ALWAYS did! Even when we had company. I did the entertaining. On weekends I would always say "let’s go do something" and he would always say he didn’t want to and...yep...sit in front of the TV.

Love of scary movies...Lacey got that from me. Love of history, every one of my kids got it from me.  Love of reading...me! Parent teacher conferences...me. Midnight movies...me. Backyard camp outs...me.

So why then is everyone on their dad’s side? One reason is because I have emotions. I was upset when he left me for another woman and I definitely showed my feelings. So he tells them I’m crazy for having feelings.  I admit I have lost my temper and displayed my emotions too many times in front of the kids.  I am at fault for that. What people, and especially my kids, don't see is what caused the situation to happen in the first place.  It's usually his arrogance and superiority complex.  I have asked this mam to sit down with me and have a real discussion since he left me.  He refuses.  I feel like I deserve an explanation.  I feel like I deserve the chance to voice my opinion and have it matter.  So when he dismisses me like I was never anything to him at all with his "goodbye Kelli" or hanging up on me I feel like my feelings have been knocked down once again. Like I don't matter.  Maybe I never really did to him.  So yes all of these emotions (anger, fear, hurt) all collide.  I have been much better about letting him hurt me and showing it in the last few months.

Lacey has told me that she doesn't want to be in the middle of the divorce.  Why then is she in the middle?  She is telling her sisters bad things about me to influence their feelings for me.  I actually considered getting a restraining order against her for the girls until this divorce is final. She has so blatantly taken her dad's side that she is trying to hurt my relationship with all of my children.  She texts them that she doesn't like me.  Plans meeting with them behind my back.  She has bad-mouthed me with her father, sometimes in front of my other kids, all while telling me she doesn't want to hear what I have to say because she doesn't want to be in the middle.Treats me awful in front of them.  The part that hurts the most is the work she is doing for her dad. For instance she has hacked into my Facebook account and opened all of my private messages, taken pictures, and sent those pictures to her father to be used against me (btw I'm not worried about anything in them). She has encouraged the girls to track my phone and even taught them how to do it.  She has told her father not to talk to me when I'm hurting.

The worst is that she has written a letter for him to use in Court stating how awful of a mother I was.  A few years ago when I was working full time she told me how sad she was for Emma and Aly because they won't get the great childhood she had because I was working.  When I saw this letter, I was devastated, defeated.  It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I have done nothing but be a mom for 20 years.  And I have been a good mom.  I know I have! I texted her to remind her of all of the things I have done for her.  Her reply was that she didn't forget any of the things I did good she just didn't put them in the letter because she wanted me to get "help".  Her dad has convinced her she is helping me by writing this letter.  The ridiculous part is that when she wrote it I had already been in therapy for a while.  Her letter was unnecessary.  But she still wrote it. He has convinced her that he wants to help me.  All of his court filings and paper work and comments and actions show much differently.

That brings me to my other theory why I believe my kids are taking his side.  First, Lacey has always been a daddy's girl.  I have always been the disciplinarian.  Partly because he worked all hours of the day 7 days a week.  Partly because when he was home he couldn't be torn from the TV.  Jerame was an amazing dad to Lacey.  He was so involved with her.  He would have been fine with having only her.  So yes they are close.  Although I thought Lacey and I were close too.  Once Emma and then Aly came he was much less involved.  He was home even less. And when he was home he rarely interacted with the kids except to tell them to be quiet or go in another room because he was watching tv. When Sophie came, I think he was set on everyone knowing he was an amazing person for being her father even though she wasn't his that he over-did it for Sophie.  Lacey and Emma didn't get along when Lacey lived at home.  Lacey was close to Aly but Emma always got left out.  These very impressionable girls, Emma and Aly, are thrilled to be getting attention from their older sister and their father.  I have always been there.  When they hurt I am there to comfort.  When they need help I am there to help. When they get mad at me I am always right there when they need me anyway no matter what they say to hurt me. I can't say the same for their father.  He was always too busy. So now that they have his attention and Lacey's they love the way that feels.  Who wouldn't? So it's easy, knowing I will never go away, to be hurtful to me in order to keep the attention of their sister and father.  It breaks my heart.  But they're right, I will always be here waiting for them.  Even Lacey.