Gratitude

Grateful

I’m finding a lot to be grateful for lately. Maybe because I’m looking for the good in my life a little bit more than I have in the last couple months. I have to admit that my sister Traci and I are very tempted in the month of November to delete all social media because of all of the “grateful” posts. Haha. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see the importance of gratitude and taking the time to see the good in life. The last couple months I have been focused on how unfair life is being to me that I haven’t stopped to see how absolutely beautiful my life really is.  Sure I’m single and I feel like I will be single for the rest of my life. But that’s not all that life is about. So in this post I plan on listing what I’m grateful for.

The most important part of my life, and has been for 20 years, are my kids. I really am a lucky mama. They are all so smart and talented. Every single one of them is amazing. I’ve enjoyed watching them grow into beautiful young women. And I’m grateful that I’ve been a part of their lives.l and they’ve been a part of mine.

I have a beautiful house and a decent amount of equity in it to start my new life. Without the equity I am not too sure how I would be able to start fresh. But I’ve got a cushion so I can do this.

I’m even grateful for my ex-husband. He was a great provider. We never wanted for anything. We were taken care of. He and I were able to get ourselves to where we are today and I don’t think either of us is very bad shape. 

I’m grateful for my family. Honestly I have parents that love me unconditionally. And I have definitely tested them even as an adult. But they are always there. They somehow always seem to know when I need them. My siblings are also amazing. Every one of them supports me and I even think they feel my pain when I’m hurting. I just wish I lived closer to all of them! 

My friends. My friends are amazing. I always have someone to call if I need something and there is always someone there to help. They love me and my kids like family. My family being so far away is hard but having the amazing friends makes it much more bearable. 

It may be hard to pay for food right now but so far my kids and I haven’t gone hungry. So I’m grateful for having enough resources to feed us.

I love my job. I have loved it since I started it 7 years ago. I love my boss. I love my work. I love that it makes me think. 

I love my church. The people I go to church with are like family. I love the way I feel when I’m there. I love being able to work with the young women and I love the people I serve with. 

I’m grateful for the experiences I have had in my life. Each one has changed me. Some not for the better at the time but over all I think I have become a pretty good person. 

Hope this one didn’t make you crazy Traci since it is so much of a “grateful” post! But I felt like I needed to remind myself and acknowledge my gratitude. This way when I’m having a bad day I can look back at this post and remind myself that I actually have it pretty good.

Taking Back Control

I will be the first to admit that this separation and divorce have been really hard on me. I didn't see it coming.  I completely lost control over my emotions, life, family. At first I couldn't go a day without crying.  I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to breathe because it hurt.  I was devastated . . . shattered.

I had no idea how I was going to support myself, I only worked 2 days per week (at Jerame's suggestion, I might add, so Sophie wouldn't have to be in daycare full time).  I have an Associate's Degree in paralegal studies and I love my job but to be honest I make less than a teacher when I'm full time.  I wanted to get a bachelor's degree and then go on to law school but Jerame said no because he didn't like when I went to school because I was too busy and there was no law school in Pocatello and we had to stay in Pocatello for our businesses. I gave up my opportunities and future for what I thought was our future in the businesses.  To make him successful. Jerame had bought a car for me that I couldn't afford the payment or the gas for. I couldn't afford my house. I brought home $800 per month if I was lucky. I felt like he set me up to fail.  How was I going to  support myself and my children?

When Jerame first left he told me that he would pay the house payment, car payment, medical and car insurance, and cell phone for me.  He even had a settlement agreement drawn up that had most of those things listed.  But first I have to tell another story:

In January I connected with an old friend who became a very supportive and helpful friend.  I had no self confidence when Jerame left.  I just knew I'd be alone forever.  I felt old, fat, ugly.  Who would want me?  This friend helped me get my self confidence back.  I didn't feel ugly anymore at least. We talked on the phone and texted.  I went to visit him in Washington for a weekend.  That weekend was amazing.  I had someone open doors for me and make me feel special.  I felt like someone finally cared about my feelings and my emotional health. He's going through some stuff in his life right now too so I feel like we can be there for each other.  No it didn't turn into this amazing love story. It is what it is, a good friendship.   But it was a nice weekend, I got a break from all the crap at home.

Well when Jerame found out I was talking to another man he flipped.  He decided that he would no longer pay any of those things.  He cut me off from our money.  He decided all he would now give me is $500 per month in child support and I was on my own to make my way.  In our divorce decree from 2013 (yes we have been divorced and remarried) I was awarded the house.  I had to make sure to refinance it into my name only or sell it within six months I think.  Well before that 6 months was over Jerame was living back with me.  The business never got my name off of it and the house never got his name off of it.  So now he is saying it's past the six months so I have to sell it.  It doesn't matter that this is his kids' home.  I have to sell it.

Now to the take charge part.  I have realized that I can't afford my house.  I can't afford the sometimes $400-$500 power bill each month.  I can't take care of 3 1/2 acres by myself. I called a couple realtors and had them come by and give me some numbers and such.  I know what I need to do.  I am going to start getting the house ready to sell.  I should have a decent amount to put down on a down payment for a downgrade, I really don't need 3800 square feet!

I talked to my boss about more hours and am this week starting my full time hours back.  This will more than double my income.

I got an alarm system and changed my locks.  I feel much safer now as a single mom in the middle of nowhere.

I arranged for full time daycare for Sophia.  This I hate and have trouble finding the silver lining in.  The guilt about this is ridiculous.  I cancelled Sophie's preschool since I can't (1) get her to and from every Tuesday and Thursday anymore because of work, (2) her daycare has a preschool curriculum which she will now be there for every day, and (3) it saves me $65 per month.

I have deleted people that were my friends on Facebook to just spy for Jerame or to post things just to hurt me, including my husband.  As far as I know he doesn't get on Facebook but he gets tagged in posts that are just hurtful to me.  I don't need that garbage in my life.

My power bill was $800 behind.  I found an organization here in town and they caught my power bill up.  Still not completely on board with the food stamps thing . . . maybe I will soften if I still can't make ends meet after going full time.

In court Jerame agreed to keep paying my house payment and car payment, I agreed to pay everything else.

I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of months and am feeling pretty good about where I'm at emotionally. I feel better about myself.  Jerame had almost convinced me that everything was my fault and that I was crazy for my emotions. I'm happy to report that that is not what my therapist concludes.

I am trying to focus on my kids.  I need to take my focus away from my failed marriage.  And I really need to work on being a good mom right now.  They need me.

I am far from perfect.  I still have my bad days.  I still get moody.  I still feel lonely. Last night I cried after everyone was asleep.  I needed it.  I hadn't done it in a while.  I am finding the silver lining in things where at first I couldn't see it.  I am taking back control of my life.

Alyson

With all the work we went through to get Emma we really didn’t expect to have any more kids. Well in August of 2003 I missed my period. We hadn’t even been trying which for Jerame and I was a whole new experience. I was a stay at home mom. Lacey, Emma, and I drove to Winco and I bought a pregnancy test. I took the girls into the bathroom in Winco with me and I peed on the stick.  Well you have to wait a few minutes before you know if it’s positive and my kids were definitely not loving being in the bathroom so we went out to the car. I was buckling Emma into her car seat and looked down at the stick still in my hand and saw one line perfectly and just the faintest of the second line. Of course I didn’t believe it could happen this easily for me so I showed it to Lacey and asked her how many lines she saw. She said she saw two lines. No way!!! I had resigned myself to not having any more kids because I knew Jerame wouldn’t go for fertility again. Now Emma was only one year and 4 months old and I was actually pregnant again! I showed it to little Emma who I must have gotten something chocolate for in the store and said, “Emma there’s two lines!” She put her little finger on the lines and left a chocolate smudge.

I sure wasn’t waiting until Jerame got home to tell him and I didn’t want to tell him on the phone, I can’t remember if we had cell phones at this point. We drove out to Auto Body Workshop where Jerame worked. I unloaded both kids and carrying Emma walked into the shop with a huge smile. One of Jerame’s co-workers saw us walk in and said hi and seeing my quick walk and huge smile asked if I was pregnant. I was actually a little pissed because I wanted to surprise Jerame and here this guy is guessing it already and yelling it out. I ignored him and kept walking toward Jerame who luckily hadn’t heard. I handed him the stick and asked how many lines he saw and he said, “Are you serious?” with a smile on his face. Aly was on her way!

My pregnancies are never easy. I have hyperemisis and for nine months I am throwing up. Nothing helps for long. I have to go in to get IVs regularly to keep me hydrated. I never gain a lot of weight and actually lose weight at the beginning.  It’s never easy but once I can feel that little human moving inside of me it becomes worth it. My pregnancy with Aly was no different in that respect. But it was different in another.

At around 24 weeks of pregnancy women do a glucose screening test. This test is for gestational diabetes. When you go in your blood is drawn and then they hand you a syrupy carbonated drink that you have to drink all of and the. You wait an hour and then then your blood is drawn again. Well unfortunately for me I drank the drink in the time allotted and then about 10 minutes later I threw it up. This means I have to come back another time and try again. The next time the test went according to plan and so then I waited for the results.  And of course . . . gestational diabetes.  At first I was pissed.  I was already sick enough now I had to figure out how to balance this too?  But I did.  I was able to control with diet and oral glyburide, no shots.  I did have to test my blood several times a day though so there were still needles involved.

I was nervous to go into labor this time because both of my previous labors were so different that I had no idea what to expect.  I remember my contractions starting and after a few hours we went into Kaiser on Morse Avenue in Sacramento.  This hospital was the old hospital but it was where we had to go because of my gestational diabetes and it had a NICU in case the baby was born with complications from the diabetes such as the tendency for bigger babies and hypoglycemia for the baby after delivery.  But it was also the hospital Jerame was born at so that was pretty cool.  Well it turned out this labor was going to be like Lacey's; I was definitely having hard contractions but was only dilated to a 2 so they sent me home.  We came in one more time and got sent home again.  Finally the third time I was dilated to a four so I was able to stay.  I will tell you that this hospital was nowhere near as nice as the one I had Lacey and Emma in. My dad waited in the waiting room with Emma.  Jerame and my mom were with me.  Lacey went back and forth between the waiting room and the labor room.  I of course had an epidural like I had with the other two. This time though the anesthesiologist said she thought she may have nicked my spinal column and if she had then I would be getting spinal headaches. At this point I didn't understand what that meant nor did I care.  I just wanted to have the baby.

In newer hospitals you labor and deliver in the same room.  This hospital was so old that they move you from the labor room to the delivery room to deliver.  Well all the delivery rooms were full so they took me to a surgical room when c-sections are performed.  It was a big room.  Jerame, my mom, Lacey and my friend Becky were all in the room when I gave birth to Alyson.  My dad was in the waiting room with Emma.  It went really smoothly once I started pushing.  It only took me about 5 minutes to push her out, same as Emma. I held her for a minute and then they took her to clean her up and weigh her.  She weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces.  Not as big as Lacey's 9 pounds 4 ounces but bigger than Emma's 7 pounds 2 ounces.  The one thing Jerame noticed right away and had to tell me was that she had my thumbs.  Anyone that knows me knows I hate my thumbs! So I felt so bad for passing them on to her! 

Shortly after Alyson was born I started getting the spinal headaches.  At first I just thought I had a little bit of a headache and didn't think anything of it.  So I went home the next day like I wanted.  Emma, Lacey and Jerame came in while I waited to be discharged.  Emma just wanted me home, she wasn't quite two.  She didn't love Alyson right away that's for sure.  But she looked at Aly's little face and said, "She can come too."  Not much enthusiasm but she at least let me bring Aly home. 

When I got home the headaches were much worse.  I couldn't lift my head even an inch without feeling like it was going to explode.  Felt a lot like the headache I just recently had with meningitis. Finally my mom and Jerame convinced me to go back to the hospital.  The doctors had said if I started getting headaches I needed to go back to labor & delivery and have a blood patch done.  A blood patch is when they insert the epidural needle again but then draw your blood and inject it into your spine to patch the whole made in the spinal column.  Once that is done you have to lay flat and still for 30 minutes or an hour, I can't exactly remember. Well when I had Aly something weird was happening with my bladder. I was literally having to pee every half hour and not just a little it was always a lot.  And I absolutely couldn't hold it.  So of course once they injected the blood into my spine I had to pee.  The nurse put a bed pan under me which of course made me not lay flat and made me move.  Needless to say this blood patch was a failure.  I had to go in a second time a couple days later and get this procedure done again. This time it worked and my headaches were gone.

Aly will be 13 in 6 days. She has grown into a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her.  She's the one that always has to make everyone laugh.  She can't stand tension so if she's uncomfortable she will just leave the room.  This divorce has been tough on her but she seems to be the kid in the family that is handling it best. 

Meningitis

So this week has been a pretty crappy one. I have been in the hospital for 3 days but I am getting out today! Yay!

Saturday I went to Logan, Utah for a volleyball tournament for Emma. The girls played great, by the way, and Emma is looking so good out there! Anyway at the beginning of the day my legs just started hurting. A weird hurt. Something I had never experienced before. I took some ibuprofen and the pain went a away for a couple hours. Well when it came back it was a doosy! Not only did my legs hurt but my head felt like it was going to explode. And when I would walk my back hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. Is this a migraine? Took more ibuprofen....didn’t even take the edge off.

After the tournament I drove myself home (Emma was with Jerame). When I got home I went straight to bed at around 7:30 I think. I kept getting texts from Emma about different things and I finally told her I feel awful and would have to wait to answer her anymore. I couldn’t even lift my head off the bed. The TV light was killing me so I turned it off.

My go to for help for the last 23 years has always been Jerame. When I would get food stuck in my esophagus he took me to the ER to get it removed. When I had babies, even Sophie, he was always there. So naturally I texted him telling him I think something is wrong and I need to go to the ER and would he take me. Yes I have friends. Yes I could have probably called them. But they weren’t who came to mind first. Out of habit? Out of hope that he still at least cared about my health? Probably both. He didn’t respond. I sent a few texts and realized he didn’t care and wouldn’t respond. So I went to sleep instead. I woke up several times in pain. Finally at 8:00 my alarm went off to get up for church. I was still in the most horrible pain I had ever been in. I knew church wasn’t happening. So I got myself up and dressed and headed into Urgent Care knowing full well it wasn’t worth asking Jerame for help. Honestly guys I don’t know who he is anymore. This is the man that would probably drop everything to help anyone else. But not me.

I got to Urgent Care and realized there were a lot of people waiting. I figured if this is just a migraine I would at least get drugs at the ER so I decided to go there. By this time I can’t twist my back at all and I physically can’t look down. If I even tried a pain would shoot from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. I got to the ER, gave them my symptoms, and got taken straight back.

The doctor came in and said I didn’t have a fever so he didn’t think it was meningitis but he wanted to draw some blood first. They gave me drugs. I was excited to have something for the pain. It lasted about . . . FIVE MINUTES. The pain was back full force! Well the blood test results came back and something was elevated in my blood (not white blood cells though) and I can’t remember what. So the doctor says that points to some sort of virus or infection so he wanted to do a spinal tap and rule out meningitis. As he did the spinal tap he said the fluid was very clear and again said that makes him think it isn’t meningitis. An hour later he came back and said well it’s meningitis so you are getting admitted right now. Seriously? What could possibly happen next right?! The last four months have been bad enough but sure... let’s add this too!

I had texted Jerame earlier while at the ER telling him they had given me drugs I couldn’t drive with and would he bring Emma to drive me home. His answer was “I guess”. I responded telling him I didn’t want to be a burden and he replied that I am a burden to him but not Emma. He said we aren’t friends and I should quit expecting him to be my friend. So that didn’t hurt at all. Anyway I texted him that I was getting admitted so I didn’t need a ride.

I sent Emma a list of the few things I needed from home. Jerame took her late that night to get them and then brought her in to give them to me. Everyone has to wear surgical masks and rubber gloves when they come in my room. Emma did and brought me the stuff I needed. Aly wouldn’t put on a mask and come in. Jerame put on a mask and stood in the corner looking at me like he hoped this killed me. They made sure to tell me that they were in a hurry and could only stay a few minutes. They stayed for maybe 3 minutes and left.

Today is Wednesday. I have had a pretty bad illness and honestly I can’t even get my kids to text me. Emma came on Monday night and stayed for about 30 minutes talking to me. Jerame’s didn’t even peek in the door and ask how I was doing. Just say in the hallway. My awesome friend Jolene came Monday night also to keep me company for a couple hours. Tuesday night Emma came for a few minutes and Jerame didn’t even come upstairs. He sat in his truck. It’s definitelt been 95% lonely in here. Yesterday my awesome parents came all the way for Fallon and sat with me for hours last night.

I would like to now tell you a story about when Jerame broke his femur. I had moved out of the house and we were going through a divorce. I was seeing someone else. I got the call from Jerame saying he was being taken to the hospital because he hurt himself riding his dirt bike. I drove up to Idaho Falls and stayed with him the whole night. Waited while he was in surgery and even slept in his hospital bed with him like he wanted. When he was released I brought him to my rental house and he stayed there for about a week while I took care of him and helped him shower. Same situation but reversed. I guess I expected a little bit of this from him this week.

Well when I go home I’m not quite done. I have a PICC line in so I can give myself the IV medication three times a day for the next three weeks. I don’t expect any help except my parents while they are here. But when they leave I guarantee I will be on my own. My kids don’t seem to care. My husband obviously doesn’t care. I have friends that I’m sure will help if needed so thank goodness for them. It hurts to have such a bad illness and basically be alone. Thank heavens for parents that care!

Emma

After we had Lacey I knew I wanted more kids. It just wasn’t happening. It took us 5 years and fertility to get Emma. She was very wanted and she knows that. Honestly I think Jerame would have been happy stopping at one kid. He was such a good dad to Lacey. Always involved. Not quite as much with the other two. I’m not saying he wasn’t still a good dad but he wasn’t as involved with them.

Well I wanted another baby. Jerame was kind of supportive and we went to fertility doctors to have tests and check things out. Jerame was always the man that put his job first. So getting him to go get tests done was sometimes a fight. He had the easy tests. Mine were much more intrusive. We found out that he has so many swimmers he could knock up several women in one shot. Me on the other hand, not so good. My sisters have polycystic ovarian disease and had both been diagnosed by that time. Well turns out I have it too. Just not a severe as both of them. So Clomid was prescribed and I started my fertility experience. Six months of timing sex made it a lot less fun. It was a business instead of intimacy. Six months of periods and crying. Six months of devastation. The seventh month the doctors decided to try something more aggressive. We went to a class for Jerame to learn to give me injections in my butt. I hate needles so I wasn’t thrilled with this but I wanted a baby so bad. This drug was a lot more expensive than the Clomid so we knew we could only do this for one month. This time we didn’t have to time sex because we would be doing artificial insemination on a scheduled date and time.  So we did the shots and when the time came I put Jerame’s specimen between my legs to keep it warm and drove to the clinic. He didn’t come with me. We like to joke that I got pregnant in a different zip code by a woman. The doctor took the specimen from me when I got there and did whatever they do with it to get it ready.  I laid on one of those fun beds women get to use. Then the doctor came in and inserted the tube into my cervix and that was that. We waited. My period didn’t come but I was never really regular anyway so that wasn’t a definite answer. We decided to buy a test. I went into the bathroom while Jerame and Lacey waited outside. I couldn’t believe it . . . two lines. TWO LINES! I started screaming. Jerame and Lacey both ran to the bathroom door and were banging on it for me to let them in. Jerame thought the scream meant negative until I showed him the test

With Lacey I knew she was girl from the beginning. With this pregnancy I felt like it was boy and girl. It was confusing so I assumed I must just not be in tune this time. At 8 weeks of pregnancy because we had been doing fertility I went back into the clinic for our first ultrasound which would decide if they would release us to a regular OB. This was an internal ultrasound again since the baby would be so little still but I was ready for it this time. Two babies, two heartbeats. Twins! Jerame and I weren’t exactly sure how to react. We had just wanted one but now two? We were a little stunned at first. The doctor said she was a little worried about one of them because it was quite a bit smaller than the other. But two heartbeats so she said it was a viable twin pregnancy. 

On the way home that day it sank in. Twins. Jerame and my song was One Boy, One Girl by Collin Raye. At the end of that song the couple has twins. So we started getting excited. We called both sets of parents on the ride home to tell them the news. We were scheduled to go to my regular OB at12 weeks in which we would get another ultrasound. I researched ways twins need to sleep and cribs for that purpose. We were getting so excited!

Excited to see our babies again, we went in at 12 weeks for the ultrasound. That was a long ultrasound. The tech kept saying she wanted to get both babies in the same picture but could only get one at a time. Finally after about 15 minutes of trying she went and got the doctor. The doctor came in and within a minute told us one of the twins was gone. Vanishing twin he said. As much as we weren’t expecting twins it was still pretty crappy. It was a silent walk to the car. A silent drive home. I cried. Jerame was upset. Lacey was confused. But then I was only feeling girl. It was a girl. About a week before that ultrasound I had told Jerame I wasn’t feeling the boy anymore. This confirmed it.  At 20 weeks we had the ultrasound and sure enough it was Emma. 

Her labor was much easier than Lacey’s and she was quite a bit smaller. Lacey had been 9 pounds 4 ounces and Emma was 7 pounds 2 ounces. Lacey’s labor lasted days. Emma’s was six hours start to finish. My water broke right as Jerame was getting g ready for work so luckily he was home. My friend Laura went along to watch Lacey at the hospital while I was in labor. We had done some research on when it’s ok to have a child in the delivery room to watch the birth of a sibling and had made preparations in case she didn’t want to stay in the room. Lacey was sitting on a couch in my birthing room. They had taken the bottom part off the bed so I could give birth and set it up against the couch Lacey was on. She was five. Jerame had told her once the baby comes out to look away because it gets really gross. So Laura stood next to Lacey while I pushed. Lacey was hiding behind the part of the bed that was leaning against the couch on the opposite side of the room. There was a nurse in there that grabbed our cameras and started taking pictures of the birth! Eeeewww! So needless to say I have some pretty disgusting pictures of Emma’s birth. She also pulled a mirror up so I could watch which was not something I had wanted and trying to push with your eyes open isn’t easy! She kept telling me to look. As Emma’s head came out Jerame told Lacey, “There’s your sister.” Lacey peeked her head up to see and yelled, “that’s my sister!” Then her head was right back down behind the bed. That was enough for her. 

Emma had no medical problems in the hospital the way Lacey had. Easy from start to finish. And she’s kind of always been that way. Easy kid. She’s always been our most sensitive kid. When Aly was born two years after Emma, Emma started talking to herself. When I asked her who she was talking to she would always say, “my boy.” I asked her once where she met her boy and she said in Mommy’s tummy. She was 2. He stuck around for a while but was gone by the time she was four. I think she needed him. She didn’t get to be the baby quite as long as Lacey so I felt guilty. I tried to include her but with a new baby sometimes you don’t get everything you need. So that’s where her boy came in. Until Aly was old enough to be her friend. 

Emma is struggling with this divorce. She isn’t sure how to feel or who to be mad at. Neither Jerame or I have been the best at keeping our kids out of things. The last couple weeks it has been my goal to focus on being a mom. I focus on my relationships with my kids. I can’t control what he says and does but I can control my reactions. And my kids need me to. Especially Emma. So as I have said before I have started putting my focus where it is productive. It is not productive to focus any of my energy on my husband or marriage anymore. I am focusing on my kids, my church, and my church calling. Those are things I can control and that’s where my focus is going.

Pain

Hhhmmn, what do I say tonight? Tonight has been a pretty painful night. I’m not sure why it still hurts so much. Maybe because he has no compassion for the mother of his children. No loyalty to the woman he has been with for 23 years. But he lets another woman dictate how he treats me and what he does with and for me. That this woman could come in and just take everything that is mine and have no remorse for it. To prove his loyalty to her he treats the mother of his children like complete garbage. He won’t even talk to me. He won’t even look at me. He has turned everyone against me just to prove his loyalty to a horrible woman that caused the death of her husband by being a cheater. He isn’t even the first person she has cheated with. And he thinks she will be faithful to him? He told me they had stopped talking. I don’t even believe that they ever had stopped talking.

He knows I won’t let Sophie around her. He chose her over Sophie. His choice 100%. My biggest pain is that this man that has been her father since the day she was born has left her. Has decided she isn’t important enough. But this woman has treated me horribly and has convinced my husband to treat me horribly. So I have to say I won’t have my daughter around someone that manipulative and evil. He chooses to keep her in his life then he is choosing to lose Sophie. And that kills me. She loves him so much. I would keep the other kids away too if I could. But with them I don’t have a choice. But Sophie loses. In this situation she loses. She is the innocent victim. She’s the one that gets hurt. Because losing her obviously isn’t hurting him.

She is not the mother of my children. She has no right to be in their lives. You would think that when you move on after divorce you would find someone that would treat the mother/father of your children with respect. But in our situation that is not the case. She treats me badly and he defends her.  And then he treats me worse to prove his loyalty. She dictates what I deserve in the divorce. Well reality check is 50%! I deserve 50%! He gives me credit for nothing. That’s how egotistical he is.

So why does it hurt? I’ve seen better. I know there is better out there. In fact I went to Seattle last weekend to see a friend from my past. I had doors opened for me, I got to do what I wanted to do, and was treated with respect the whole weekend. He was a gentleman and didn’t expect anything from me. Jerame always expects sex when he’s nice for a day. I was able to relax and feel special and I felt so refreshed when I got back to Pocatello. He paid attention to me. The weekend was all about me. So I have seen how a man should treat a woman and Jerame was rarely that.

So why does it still hurt that he has absolutely no remorse or care for my feelings? Probably because this is not the man I know. He has become a mean and vindictive person. To please another woman he has done everything he can to try to destroy me in every way.

That’s why this is so painful. He hasn’t only betrayed me he has completely abandoned the child he said he loved as his own. Ouch.

Change

I think my reason for this blog has changed.  At first it was to prove to myself that my marriage wasn't nothing.  That it meant something.  It's kind of turned into a way to move on. 

I probably hate change more than anybody.  I like structure and knowing what's coming.  Well right now I don't have either.  I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I will be alone forever.  I don't know if I will ever have the comfort I had with Jerame with anyone else.  He knows everything about me, even the not so great stuff.  But unfortunately, for right now at least, I don't have that.

The major changes I am having to get used to are 1) not having someone in my bed (besides Sophie); 2) not having anyone to come home to or to come home to me; 3) finances, how the hell do I make ends meet?; 4) not knowing where I will be living in a year; 5) finding a way to parent alone and without any support what-so-ever; 6) feeling alone.

The feeling alone has actually gotten better over the last month or so.  I have some amazing friends that have helped me so much. They have listened to me cry and let me be angry. I'm not alone but I'm still alone if that makes any sense.  My family has been supportive and again they have listened to me cry and let me be angry.  It makes me wonder why I ever decided I didn't want to live close to them.  I have no family in Pocatello. None.  I definitely have some friends that feel like family but biologically none. I miss my mom, dad, and siblings and I wish I had them here.

I'm getting used to sleeping alone (besides Sophie).  But I still sleep on my side of the bed.  His is still open. I'm getting used to not coming home to anyone or anyone coming home to me. I have more time to read now, especially when my kids are with their dads. When they are with me it's crazy and chaotic most of the time with driver's ed, volleyball, cheer, and preschool. So when I have them I am way to busy to notice my lack of another adult in my house.

Parenting alone . . . that's a tough one.  I haven't had any support from him when I discipline so that makes it even harder.  The kids are all mad at me.  Somehow this whole thing has become my fault.  What do I even do about it?  Well my sister gave me an idea.  Right now I need to repair my relationships with my children and that is more important than parenting.  I spent 3 months desperate to save my marriage focusing all my energy on him.  I wasn't a bad mom but they weren't my focus either. My sister said that right now I have to be the mom that all of us roll our eyes at or that makes us want to vomit.  The mom that is oozing crazy love, overly perfect nastiness.  I have to get my kids to realize I am back.  I fell for a few months for sure.  I felt worthless and undesirable.  Still fighting that a little bit but I'm definitely feeling more valued and much better about myself.  So I am focusing my energy on my kids now.  I have also started focusing it on my church calling and fulfilling my commitments.  I am taking on two more working days.  I can do this. I am strong. I will fix me.

Finances are the hardest part for me.  Jerame and I built a comfortable life.  We didn't have a lot of extra money but we were able to live comfortably and  take our kids on some awesome vacations and keep them active. I don't make as much as him obviously. I am pretty sure I will have to sell my house soon because honestly I can't afford it.  He will get the razor and camper. I see him going into his future with someone and taking all of the things we had both worked for and wanted together and sharing them with her.  I feel screwed.  I feel abandoned.  I feel cheated.  This was my life and he is going to give it to someone else.  I wanted more education and he said no.  He encouraged me to quit my job or go part time to be with Sophie.  He bought me a car behind my back that I can't afford to pay for or drive.  I feel manipulated. We ran up debt together that he now says is my debt and refuses to help me pay.  I feel like Sophie and I are going to end up out on the streets and I will have no credit to help us out.  I feel what the hell did I do to deserve this? What did I do to him that makes him want to destroy me in every way but especially financially?  Why does he think I don't deserve half of what we built together?  Why does he think he gets it all and whatever I end up with is what he is "giving" me out of the kindness of his heart?

Anyway I hate change.  I hate not knowing what to expect.  But I am working on me and my kids now.  After everything that he has said and done to me I don't want him back. I want this divorce and I want it fast.  I can't feel like this forever and he will never let me feel better if he is in my life. So I can move on. I can be strong. Like a friend told me, I can do hard things.