Hhhmmn, what do I say tonight? Tonight has been a pretty painful night. I’m not sure why it still hurts so much. Maybe because he has no compassion for the mother of his children. No loyalty to the woman he has been with for 23 years. But he lets another woman dictate how he treats me and what he does with and for me. That this woman could come in and just take everything that is mine and have no remorse for it. To prove his loyalty to her he treats the mother of his children like complete garbage. He won’t even talk to me. He won’t even look at me. He has turned everyone against me just to prove his loyalty to a horrible woman that caused the death of her husband by being a cheater. He isn’t even the first person she has cheated with. And he thinks she will be faithful to him? He told me they had stopped talking. I don’t even believe that they ever had stopped talking.
He knows I won’t let Sophie around her. He chose her over Sophie. His choice 100%. My biggest pain is that this man that has been her father since the day she was born has left her. Has decided she isn’t important enough. But this woman has treated me horribly and has convinced my husband to treat me horribly. So I have to say I won’t have my daughter around someone that manipulative and evil. He chooses to keep her in his life then he is choosing to lose Sophie. And that kills me. She loves him so much. I would keep the other kids away too if I could. But with them I don’t have a choice. But Sophie loses. In this situation she loses. She is the innocent victim. She’s the one that gets hurt. Because losing her obviously isn’t hurting him.
She is not the mother of my children. She has no right to be in their lives. You would think that when you move on after divorce you would find someone that would treat the mother/father of your children with respect. But in our situation that is not the case. She treats me badly and he defends her. And then he treats me worse to prove his loyalty. She dictates what I deserve in the divorce. Well reality check is 50%! I deserve 50%! He gives me credit for nothing. That’s how egotistical he is.
So why does it hurt? I’ve seen better. I know there is better out there. In fact I went to Seattle last weekend to see a friend from my past. I had doors opened for me, I got to do what I wanted to do, and was treated with respect the whole weekend. He was a gentleman and didn’t expect anything from me. Jerame always expects sex when he’s nice for a day. I was able to relax and feel special and I felt so refreshed when I got back to Pocatello. He paid attention to me. The weekend was all about me. So I have seen how a man should treat a woman and Jerame was rarely that.
So why does it still hurt that he has absolutely no remorse or care for my feelings? Probably because this is not the man I know. He has become a mean and vindictive person. To please another woman he has done everything he can to try to destroy me in every way.
That’s why this is so painful. He hasn’t only betrayed me he has completely abandoned the child he said he loved as his own. Ouch.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Change
I think my reason for this blog has changed. At first it was to prove to myself that my marriage wasn't nothing. That it meant something. It's kind of turned into a way to move on.
I probably hate change more than anybody. I like structure and knowing what's coming. Well right now I don't have either. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I will be alone forever. I don't know if I will ever have the comfort I had with Jerame with anyone else. He knows everything about me, even the not so great stuff. But unfortunately, for right now at least, I don't have that.
The major changes I am having to get used to are 1) not having someone in my bed (besides Sophie); 2) not having anyone to come home to or to come home to me; 3) finances, how the hell do I make ends meet?; 4) not knowing where I will be living in a year; 5) finding a way to parent alone and without any support what-so-ever; 6) feeling alone.
The feeling alone has actually gotten better over the last month or so. I have some amazing friends that have helped me so much. They have listened to me cry and let me be angry. I'm not alone but I'm still alone if that makes any sense. My family has been supportive and again they have listened to me cry and let me be angry. It makes me wonder why I ever decided I didn't want to live close to them. I have no family in Pocatello. None. I definitely have some friends that feel like family but biologically none. I miss my mom, dad, and siblings and I wish I had them here.
I'm getting used to sleeping alone (besides Sophie). But I still sleep on my side of the bed. His is still open. I'm getting used to not coming home to anyone or anyone coming home to me. I have more time to read now, especially when my kids are with their dads. When they are with me it's crazy and chaotic most of the time with driver's ed, volleyball, cheer, and preschool. So when I have them I am way to busy to notice my lack of another adult in my house.
Parenting alone . . . that's a tough one. I haven't had any support from him when I discipline so that makes it even harder. The kids are all mad at me. Somehow this whole thing has become my fault. What do I even do about it? Well my sister gave me an idea. Right now I need to repair my relationships with my children and that is more important than parenting. I spent 3 months desperate to save my marriage focusing all my energy on him. I wasn't a bad mom but they weren't my focus either. My sister said that right now I have to be the mom that all of us roll our eyes at or that makes us want to vomit. The mom that is oozing crazy love, overly perfect nastiness. I have to get my kids to realize I am back. I fell for a few months for sure. I felt worthless and undesirable. Still fighting that a little bit but I'm definitely feeling more valued and much better about myself. So I am focusing my energy on my kids now. I have also started focusing it on my church calling and fulfilling my commitments. I am taking on two more working days. I can do this. I am strong. I will fix me.
Finances are the hardest part for me. Jerame and I built a comfortable life. We didn't have a lot of extra money but we were able to live comfortably and take our kids on some awesome vacations and keep them active. I don't make as much as him obviously. I am pretty sure I will have to sell my house soon because honestly I can't afford it. He will get the razor and camper. I see him going into his future with someone and taking all of the things we had both worked for and wanted together and sharing them with her. I feel screwed. I feel abandoned. I feel cheated. This was my life and he is going to give it to someone else. I wanted more education and he said no. He encouraged me to quit my job or go part time to be with Sophie. He bought me a car behind my back that I can't afford to pay for or drive. I feel manipulated. We ran up debt together that he now says is my debt and refuses to help me pay. I feel like Sophie and I are going to end up out on the streets and I will have no credit to help us out. I feel what the hell did I do to deserve this? What did I do to him that makes him want to destroy me in every way but especially financially? Why does he think I don't deserve half of what we built together? Why does he think he gets it all and whatever I end up with is what he is "giving" me out of the kindness of his heart?
Anyway I hate change. I hate not knowing what to expect. But I am working on me and my kids now. After everything that he has said and done to me I don't want him back. I want this divorce and I want it fast. I can't feel like this forever and he will never let me feel better if he is in my life. So I can move on. I can be strong. Like a friend told me, I can do hard things.
I probably hate change more than anybody. I like structure and knowing what's coming. Well right now I don't have either. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I will be alone forever. I don't know if I will ever have the comfort I had with Jerame with anyone else. He knows everything about me, even the not so great stuff. But unfortunately, for right now at least, I don't have that.
The major changes I am having to get used to are 1) not having someone in my bed (besides Sophie); 2) not having anyone to come home to or to come home to me; 3) finances, how the hell do I make ends meet?; 4) not knowing where I will be living in a year; 5) finding a way to parent alone and without any support what-so-ever; 6) feeling alone.
The feeling alone has actually gotten better over the last month or so. I have some amazing friends that have helped me so much. They have listened to me cry and let me be angry. I'm not alone but I'm still alone if that makes any sense. My family has been supportive and again they have listened to me cry and let me be angry. It makes me wonder why I ever decided I didn't want to live close to them. I have no family in Pocatello. None. I definitely have some friends that feel like family but biologically none. I miss my mom, dad, and siblings and I wish I had them here.
I'm getting used to sleeping alone (besides Sophie). But I still sleep on my side of the bed. His is still open. I'm getting used to not coming home to anyone or anyone coming home to me. I have more time to read now, especially when my kids are with their dads. When they are with me it's crazy and chaotic most of the time with driver's ed, volleyball, cheer, and preschool. So when I have them I am way to busy to notice my lack of another adult in my house.
Parenting alone . . . that's a tough one. I haven't had any support from him when I discipline so that makes it even harder. The kids are all mad at me. Somehow this whole thing has become my fault. What do I even do about it? Well my sister gave me an idea. Right now I need to repair my relationships with my children and that is more important than parenting. I spent 3 months desperate to save my marriage focusing all my energy on him. I wasn't a bad mom but they weren't my focus either. My sister said that right now I have to be the mom that all of us roll our eyes at or that makes us want to vomit. The mom that is oozing crazy love, overly perfect nastiness. I have to get my kids to realize I am back. I fell for a few months for sure. I felt worthless and undesirable. Still fighting that a little bit but I'm definitely feeling more valued and much better about myself. So I am focusing my energy on my kids now. I have also started focusing it on my church calling and fulfilling my commitments. I am taking on two more working days. I can do this. I am strong. I will fix me.
Finances are the hardest part for me. Jerame and I built a comfortable life. We didn't have a lot of extra money but we were able to live comfortably and take our kids on some awesome vacations and keep them active. I don't make as much as him obviously. I am pretty sure I will have to sell my house soon because honestly I can't afford it. He will get the razor and camper. I see him going into his future with someone and taking all of the things we had both worked for and wanted together and sharing them with her. I feel screwed. I feel abandoned. I feel cheated. This was my life and he is going to give it to someone else. I wanted more education and he said no. He encouraged me to quit my job or go part time to be with Sophie. He bought me a car behind my back that I can't afford to pay for or drive. I feel manipulated. We ran up debt together that he now says is my debt and refuses to help me pay. I feel like Sophie and I are going to end up out on the streets and I will have no credit to help us out. I feel what the hell did I do to deserve this? What did I do to him that makes him want to destroy me in every way but especially financially? Why does he think I don't deserve half of what we built together? Why does he think he gets it all and whatever I end up with is what he is "giving" me out of the kindness of his heart?
Anyway I hate change. I hate not knowing what to expect. But I am working on me and my kids now. After everything that he has said and done to me I don't want him back. I want this divorce and I want it fast. I can't feel like this forever and he will never let me feel better if he is in my life. So I can move on. I can be strong. Like a friend told me, I can do hard things.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Lacey
We were very young when we got married so of course we were pretty young when we started our family. Honestly we probably should have waited and enjoyed each other. Made our love grow. But all I had ever wanted was to be a mom. I don't know that we loved each other when we first got married but I do believe we fell in love. He says differently right now. He says he doesn't think he was ever in love with me...he was just young and dumb and I was hot. But I don't believe that. We have too much history for that to be true.
We tried for over two years to get pregnant. Crying every month when my period came or when a test came out negative. It was hard. And I was pretty immature and wasn't able to see the bigger picture.
At the end of February 1998 Jerame and I went snowboarding at Boreal in the Sierra Nevada mountains. I had never been before so Jerame was teaching me what he knew. I caught on fairly well but I did have the occasional crash. Well I was about done for the day but Jerame convinced me to take one more run. About halfway down I caught the front edge of the snowboard and laded flat on my stomach and face. I couldn't breathe. Jerame sat by me and told me to relax until I could breathe again. I was done. I went and sat in the lodge while Jerame did a few more runs.
The very next month I got pregnant. We joke to this day that when I fell I must have knocked and egg loose. So our family began. I was 20 when I got pregnant, 21 when I had her. Jerame was 21 when I got pregnant and 22 when I had her.
At this point they did have ultrasounds and my first one was not quite what I expected. We went into the doctor for our first visit and they wanted to do an ultrasound. I've seen them on t.v. They put stuff on your belly and rub the camera around to see the baby. Well not so early on and this was early on. We watched as the ultrasound tech put what looked like a condom on a longer than I expected instrument. Weird but whatever. Then all of the sudden that thing was shoved up where the baby comes out. Not what I was expecting. But we saw her. I had a feeling that it was a girl but Jerame wanted a boy so bad. At this early stage however we couldn't tell the sex of the baby. We had to wait until around 20 weeks for that.
Honestly I don't remember the ultrasound telling us that Lacey was a girl but we did find out...and the ultrasound was on top of my belly this time!
So we prepared. We decorated a nursery for her (although I admit now that it was way ugly! I had such terrible taste) with Disney babies on the wall. My grandma bought me a crib. I'm sure my mom bought everything else. Lacey wasn't her first grandchild but I was her first daughter to carry a child to full term. We picked the hospital we wanted to have her at and we of course thought we were ready for parenthood. Nobody ever really knows what ready is until it happens.
We were renting a house in Lincoln, California and the hospital was a good 30 minute or more drive from our house. Which in my case doesn't actually matter because my babies don't want to hurry out. I started having contractions on December 21, 1998 which was a day after Lacey's actual due date. Strong contractions. So we waited until they were five minutes apart like we had seen on t.v. and like the doctor had told us and we drove to the hospital. We're excited. This is going to happen! They checked my cervix and I was dilated to a ..... one. Yes you're having hard contractions they said but I wasn't dilated far enough to stay. They let me walk around hoping that would start my dilation.
All of the sudden I thought my water broke so I was happy that would mean I got to stay and have this baby! Well they checked me again and I hadn't dilated anymore and my breaking water was just my bladder letting loose. Yep I peed my pants. So they sent me home. I didn't know this at the time but this is how another one of my labors would go too.
I went home still having string contractions. the next day we went back to the hospital, again I wasn't dilated enough to stay and have the baby so they sent me home again. At this point, being my first child, I had no idea when to go in again because I didn't want to be sent back home again and obviously I wasn't dilating fast. Finally on December 23 we decided to go in again. The woman that had sent me home the day before had said she felt bad sending me home because the monitor showed that my contractions were very intense. She checked my cervix again and . . . I was finally a 4 and could be admitted.
That was the longest night of our marriage to that point. Jerame's mom was there and while my mom made her three hour drive to be there. Jerame and his mom were playing checkers (my sister had made him a daddy kit for the hospital. I started having a contraction and told Jerame I needed his hand. He looked at the checker board and looked at me . . . it was his move. He said, "just a minute" and proceeded to make his move. I told him I only have a minute and then I won't need his hand again. Yeah he was always very attentive. I actually find most of Lacey's labor amusing in some way or another. We were young. He didn't have to hold my hand every time. Or was this a sign for the future? A sign for the future attentiveness that our marriage lacked?
Well one time that the doctor came in to check me my water broke while he was checking. The nurse got me all cleaned up of course and left the room. Jerame leaned over to me and said, "that really stunk." Again this is just Jerame. I'm sure he thought he was being funny and honestly it's amusing to me now. I got him back when he had his vasectomy but that is a story for another post.
Finally, 4:48 a.m. on Christmas Eve Lacey made her initial debut in this world. Unlike the labor, I only pushed for 10 minutes. She was 9 pounds and 4 ounces. I'm sure I didn't know until the nurse told me that that is a pretty big baby. Especially for my tiny 105 pound (when I got pregnant) body. She was perfect. Still is perfect just more opinionated now. Well the excitement only lasted a few minutes and I was told she wasn't getting enough oxygen and that they had to take her to the nursery. I was exhausted after 3 days of labor and they assured me that it wasn't serious. I told them I wanted to breast feed and to let me know when I needed to and to not bottle feed her. Well I woke up a couple hours later and asked if she needed fed. They told me not to worry about it and that they had given her a bottle. I was 21 years old. This was my first baby. I didn't know what I was allowed and not allowed to do. Finally they brought her to me in my recovery room. I had never breast fed before. I couldn't figure out how to get her to latch on. Plus she had a bottle first so would she even take me after that? A nurse came in and helped me get her latched. An hour later she was hungry again and again I was having trouble latching her. A different nurse came in and Lacey was screaming. She at first tried to help me get her to latch but then she noticed her lips were turning blue. She took her back to the nursery.
Long story short, we found out that Lacey's right nostril was blocked by bone and she was having trouble getting enough oxygen. She ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days. I was released so Jerame and I got a hotel close to the hospital. I pumped when I wasn't at the hospital and they fed her what I pumped. Finally the day before she was released they had Jerame and I stay at the hospital with her. We had seen baby's in the hospital for days without anyone visiting. We were young and we looked younger than we were. The doctors and nurses would talk to us like we were stupid. When Jerame's grandparents came to meet Lacey the doctor talked to them and not us. We were there every day. Both of us. But they wanted to see how we could handle her without their help so we stayed in a hospital room with her. It was decided she would need surgery to open her nostril when she was three and she eventually started getting enough oxygen.
Finally on December 30, 1998, we were able to take Lacey home. With her clogged nostril and the fact that she had had so many bottles it became difficult to nurse her anymore. I stopped nursing her at 2 1/2 months old. The shortest I nursed any of my girls. Jerame was a huge help and a natural father from the beginning. I had some postpartum depression and he was very supportive.
Lacey has grown into an amazing woman. She is now married to an amazing man. I know they will do great things. I do feel like I have raised her to be a little too judgmental and not have enough empathy but maybe that is her age (20). Maybe that will get better. I love her to the moon and back . . . and even more than that. I hope she knows that but I think sometimes I may not show it enough. She's a lot like me with emotions.
We tried for over two years to get pregnant. Crying every month when my period came or when a test came out negative. It was hard. And I was pretty immature and wasn't able to see the bigger picture.
At the end of February 1998 Jerame and I went snowboarding at Boreal in the Sierra Nevada mountains. I had never been before so Jerame was teaching me what he knew. I caught on fairly well but I did have the occasional crash. Well I was about done for the day but Jerame convinced me to take one more run. About halfway down I caught the front edge of the snowboard and laded flat on my stomach and face. I couldn't breathe. Jerame sat by me and told me to relax until I could breathe again. I was done. I went and sat in the lodge while Jerame did a few more runs.
The very next month I got pregnant. We joke to this day that when I fell I must have knocked and egg loose. So our family began. I was 20 when I got pregnant, 21 when I had her. Jerame was 21 when I got pregnant and 22 when I had her.
At this point they did have ultrasounds and my first one was not quite what I expected. We went into the doctor for our first visit and they wanted to do an ultrasound. I've seen them on t.v. They put stuff on your belly and rub the camera around to see the baby. Well not so early on and this was early on. We watched as the ultrasound tech put what looked like a condom on a longer than I expected instrument. Weird but whatever. Then all of the sudden that thing was shoved up where the baby comes out. Not what I was expecting. But we saw her. I had a feeling that it was a girl but Jerame wanted a boy so bad. At this early stage however we couldn't tell the sex of the baby. We had to wait until around 20 weeks for that.
Honestly I don't remember the ultrasound telling us that Lacey was a girl but we did find out...and the ultrasound was on top of my belly this time!
So we prepared. We decorated a nursery for her (although I admit now that it was way ugly! I had such terrible taste) with Disney babies on the wall. My grandma bought me a crib. I'm sure my mom bought everything else. Lacey wasn't her first grandchild but I was her first daughter to carry a child to full term. We picked the hospital we wanted to have her at and we of course thought we were ready for parenthood. Nobody ever really knows what ready is until it happens.
We were renting a house in Lincoln, California and the hospital was a good 30 minute or more drive from our house. Which in my case doesn't actually matter because my babies don't want to hurry out. I started having contractions on December 21, 1998 which was a day after Lacey's actual due date. Strong contractions. So we waited until they were five minutes apart like we had seen on t.v. and like the doctor had told us and we drove to the hospital. We're excited. This is going to happen! They checked my cervix and I was dilated to a ..... one. Yes you're having hard contractions they said but I wasn't dilated far enough to stay. They let me walk around hoping that would start my dilation.
All of the sudden I thought my water broke so I was happy that would mean I got to stay and have this baby! Well they checked me again and I hadn't dilated anymore and my breaking water was just my bladder letting loose. Yep I peed my pants. So they sent me home. I didn't know this at the time but this is how another one of my labors would go too.
I went home still having string contractions. the next day we went back to the hospital, again I wasn't dilated enough to stay and have the baby so they sent me home again. At this point, being my first child, I had no idea when to go in again because I didn't want to be sent back home again and obviously I wasn't dilating fast. Finally on December 23 we decided to go in again. The woman that had sent me home the day before had said she felt bad sending me home because the monitor showed that my contractions were very intense. She checked my cervix again and . . . I was finally a 4 and could be admitted.
That was the longest night of our marriage to that point. Jerame's mom was there and while my mom made her three hour drive to be there. Jerame and his mom were playing checkers (my sister had made him a daddy kit for the hospital. I started having a contraction and told Jerame I needed his hand. He looked at the checker board and looked at me . . . it was his move. He said, "just a minute" and proceeded to make his move. I told him I only have a minute and then I won't need his hand again. Yeah he was always very attentive. I actually find most of Lacey's labor amusing in some way or another. We were young. He didn't have to hold my hand every time. Or was this a sign for the future? A sign for the future attentiveness that our marriage lacked?
Well one time that the doctor came in to check me my water broke while he was checking. The nurse got me all cleaned up of course and left the room. Jerame leaned over to me and said, "that really stunk." Again this is just Jerame. I'm sure he thought he was being funny and honestly it's amusing to me now. I got him back when he had his vasectomy but that is a story for another post.
Finally, 4:48 a.m. on Christmas Eve Lacey made her initial debut in this world. Unlike the labor, I only pushed for 10 minutes. She was 9 pounds and 4 ounces. I'm sure I didn't know until the nurse told me that that is a pretty big baby. Especially for my tiny 105 pound (when I got pregnant) body. She was perfect. Still is perfect just more opinionated now. Well the excitement only lasted a few minutes and I was told she wasn't getting enough oxygen and that they had to take her to the nursery. I was exhausted after 3 days of labor and they assured me that it wasn't serious. I told them I wanted to breast feed and to let me know when I needed to and to not bottle feed her. Well I woke up a couple hours later and asked if she needed fed. They told me not to worry about it and that they had given her a bottle. I was 21 years old. This was my first baby. I didn't know what I was allowed and not allowed to do. Finally they brought her to me in my recovery room. I had never breast fed before. I couldn't figure out how to get her to latch on. Plus she had a bottle first so would she even take me after that? A nurse came in and helped me get her latched. An hour later she was hungry again and again I was having trouble latching her. A different nurse came in and Lacey was screaming. She at first tried to help me get her to latch but then she noticed her lips were turning blue. She took her back to the nursery.
Long story short, we found out that Lacey's right nostril was blocked by bone and she was having trouble getting enough oxygen. She ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days. I was released so Jerame and I got a hotel close to the hospital. I pumped when I wasn't at the hospital and they fed her what I pumped. Finally the day before she was released they had Jerame and I stay at the hospital with her. We had seen baby's in the hospital for days without anyone visiting. We were young and we looked younger than we were. The doctors and nurses would talk to us like we were stupid. When Jerame's grandparents came to meet Lacey the doctor talked to them and not us. We were there every day. Both of us. But they wanted to see how we could handle her without their help so we stayed in a hospital room with her. It was decided she would need surgery to open her nostril when she was three and she eventually started getting enough oxygen.
Finally on December 30, 1998, we were able to take Lacey home. With her clogged nostril and the fact that she had had so many bottles it became difficult to nurse her anymore. I stopped nursing her at 2 1/2 months old. The shortest I nursed any of my girls. Jerame was a huge help and a natural father from the beginning. I had some postpartum depression and he was very supportive.
Lacey has grown into an amazing woman. She is now married to an amazing man. I know they will do great things. I do feel like I have raised her to be a little too judgmental and not have enough empathy but maybe that is her age (20). Maybe that will get better. I love her to the moon and back . . . and even more than that. I hope she knows that but I think sometimes I may not show it enough. She's a lot like me with emotions.
Sunday, February 3, 2019
We Did This Together
Somtines the people we love the most are the ones we show the least appreciation for. We don’t notice the amazing things they do and we certainly don’t let them know we appreciate it. I’m guilty. He’s guilty. They’re the ones we lose our temper with faster. We take for granted that they will be there and that they aren’t going anywhere. At least those are the habits we got into very early in our marriage. We were so young when we got married that we were both so selfish and immature and we got into bad habits of how we spoke to each other and how we treated each other. We really didn’t know what we were doing.
I didn’t give him as much credit as I should have for being an amazing provider for all of us. He didn’t give me the credit for what I have done to help support our family and all the time I put into our kids.
We made this huge decision in 2006 to up and move our entire life to Idhao. He was tired of the pace of California and I loved him and would go where he wanted. So Pocatello it was. He moved to Pocatello before me. I stayed back trying to sell the house and he lived in our camper at the KOA in the middle of winter. We talked every day. I hated being the only parent. Again you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone. Finally we decided that we’d find a rental house in Pocatello while still trying to sell our house in California so we could be together. Times were tough because we had rent and a house payment to make. So I got a job working night audit at Holiday Inn to help out. And this he took for granted and doesn’t give me credit for. I definitely have never been the main provider in our house but I have definitely helped when needed. Night audit was hard. I’d go to work at 10:00 pm and come home at 6:00 am and hope my little kids that weren’t in school would sleep as late as possible.
Well one time to help me out he took Emma, who was two, to work with him so I could get some sleep. That backfired. He didn’t have the luxuries he had with his job in California. His new boss was not ok with it. So he brought her back home. This started the thought that maybe working for ourselves was a much better idea because then we would have the flexibility for him to help out with the kids.
So we bought the body shop. We had no idea what we were doing. I spent hours on the phone learning the estimating system. I spent time with the accountant learning quickbooks. He spent time with paint stores trying to figure out which brand to go with. He spent time at the shop setting things up the way he wanted. I spent time setting up accounts with parts dealers. We both spent time with the SBA learning how to run a business and how to apply for loans. We were both into it 100% and we did it together. Something I don’t get credit for. It was his trade that we sold that’s the truth. But he couldn’t have done the computer stuff without me. I don’t want to discredit how hard he worked because he worked his butt off. But so did I.
That first year was the most stressful year of our marriage. We didn’t have an income. We lived off credit cards. We may have gotten in over our heads with this business thing. But it was our plan for our future and we were determined to make it work. But yes fights about money were definitely par for the course. He needed to spend money to make money and we just didn’t always have the money to spend. So we both realized we needed to do something because we were sinking. We both got second jobs. I did the books at the shop and worked graveyards at the hotel again. He painted at the shop and got a job stocking shelves at Lowe’s for a few hours before the shop opened. Whenever I was at the shop doing books, so were the 3-year-old and 1-year-old. It was hard. For both of us. It was hard on our marriage. It was hard on our kids. We were exhausted but still determined. I don’t know that either of us gave the credit to the other for how hard we were both working. And I think he always thought and still thinks his contribution was way more than mine. But when I wasn’t working I was raising our kids. And I think that goes unnoticed in many marriages. We did it 100% together. There was overlap in our second jobs where the kids were home sleeping alone until I got home after I got off at 6:00 am. Lacey was 9 and it always worried us but they were all still asleep when I got home and nothing ever happened. It was hard for everyone. I did the books for 4 years at the shop and recently in argument he has said that I don’t deserve any of the shop because I only did the books for 1 year. Lack of appreciation. Lack of noticing what I contributed. It hurt that he honestly can’t see how much I have contributed.
So yes we did this together. It was so hard. And yes I do believe I deserve credit for my contributions to our life. Again I am not trying to downplay his contributions because they have been huge. He has always been an amazing provider. I cannot and will not say otherwise. But I helped. I supported. I raised our kids. I put my dreams on hold to help him get to where he is today. What are my dreams? I would love to be a lawyer. I settled for paralegal which is definitely a few dozen pay grades below lawyer. I don’t get credit for that. It seems that he feels like anything I get in the divorce is what he is being nice enough to let me have. It’s all mine too. I deserve everything I get. I earned it. I earned it. I worked just as hard as he did. We did this together.
WE DID THIS TOGETHER!
I didn’t give him as much credit as I should have for being an amazing provider for all of us. He didn’t give me the credit for what I have done to help support our family and all the time I put into our kids.
We made this huge decision in 2006 to up and move our entire life to Idhao. He was tired of the pace of California and I loved him and would go where he wanted. So Pocatello it was. He moved to Pocatello before me. I stayed back trying to sell the house and he lived in our camper at the KOA in the middle of winter. We talked every day. I hated being the only parent. Again you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone. Finally we decided that we’d find a rental house in Pocatello while still trying to sell our house in California so we could be together. Times were tough because we had rent and a house payment to make. So I got a job working night audit at Holiday Inn to help out. And this he took for granted and doesn’t give me credit for. I definitely have never been the main provider in our house but I have definitely helped when needed. Night audit was hard. I’d go to work at 10:00 pm and come home at 6:00 am and hope my little kids that weren’t in school would sleep as late as possible.
Well one time to help me out he took Emma, who was two, to work with him so I could get some sleep. That backfired. He didn’t have the luxuries he had with his job in California. His new boss was not ok with it. So he brought her back home. This started the thought that maybe working for ourselves was a much better idea because then we would have the flexibility for him to help out with the kids.
So we bought the body shop. We had no idea what we were doing. I spent hours on the phone learning the estimating system. I spent time with the accountant learning quickbooks. He spent time with paint stores trying to figure out which brand to go with. He spent time at the shop setting things up the way he wanted. I spent time setting up accounts with parts dealers. We both spent time with the SBA learning how to run a business and how to apply for loans. We were both into it 100% and we did it together. Something I don’t get credit for. It was his trade that we sold that’s the truth. But he couldn’t have done the computer stuff without me. I don’t want to discredit how hard he worked because he worked his butt off. But so did I.
That first year was the most stressful year of our marriage. We didn’t have an income. We lived off credit cards. We may have gotten in over our heads with this business thing. But it was our plan for our future and we were determined to make it work. But yes fights about money were definitely par for the course. He needed to spend money to make money and we just didn’t always have the money to spend. So we both realized we needed to do something because we were sinking. We both got second jobs. I did the books at the shop and worked graveyards at the hotel again. He painted at the shop and got a job stocking shelves at Lowe’s for a few hours before the shop opened. Whenever I was at the shop doing books, so were the 3-year-old and 1-year-old. It was hard. For both of us. It was hard on our marriage. It was hard on our kids. We were exhausted but still determined. I don’t know that either of us gave the credit to the other for how hard we were both working. And I think he always thought and still thinks his contribution was way more than mine. But when I wasn’t working I was raising our kids. And I think that goes unnoticed in many marriages. We did it 100% together. There was overlap in our second jobs where the kids were home sleeping alone until I got home after I got off at 6:00 am. Lacey was 9 and it always worried us but they were all still asleep when I got home and nothing ever happened. It was hard for everyone. I did the books for 4 years at the shop and recently in argument he has said that I don’t deserve any of the shop because I only did the books for 1 year. Lack of appreciation. Lack of noticing what I contributed. It hurt that he honestly can’t see how much I have contributed.
So yes we did this together. It was so hard. And yes I do believe I deserve credit for my contributions to our life. Again I am not trying to downplay his contributions because they have been huge. He has always been an amazing provider. I cannot and will not say otherwise. But I helped. I supported. I raised our kids. I put my dreams on hold to help him get to where he is today. What are my dreams? I would love to be a lawyer. I settled for paralegal which is definitely a few dozen pay grades below lawyer. I don’t get credit for that. It seems that he feels like anything I get in the divorce is what he is being nice enough to let me have. It’s all mine too. I deserve everything I get. I earned it. I earned it. I worked just as hard as he did. We did this together.
WE DID THIS TOGETHER!
Monday, January 28, 2019
College? Nah Wedding!
College. That’s what you’re supposed to do after high school right? Well of course it is but I’m not sure my 17-year-old mind was onboard with that. I wanted to be in Sacramento with a boy I had met 3 months earlier. But college was already the plan. In Utah of course so maybe I would straighten up.
So my mom and I drove my falling apart mustang all the way from Fallon, Nevada to Provo, Utah. Just hoping it would make it. It was a little scary. But we made it. My mom got me set up in my apartment and all registered for Utah Valley State College (now Utah Valley University). Jerame an I talked on the phone every day. He missed me and I missed him. I talked to my parents about moving to Sacramento. Of course they didn’t approve and said if he loves you he’d marry you first. Well ok! Challenge accepted! Jerame said, “Well then we’ll just get married.” He called my parents and talked to them, I’m sure they weren’t impressed.
He drove all the way from Sacramento to Provo on a Saturday to pick me up. To be honest I’m not sure where he slept that night because I was in BYU approved housing and him staying in my apparetment would have been a huge deal. I had a ring my sister had given me that had been an engagement ring for her at one point. I told him he should propose, not that it wasn’t already going to happen. But I wanted a little bit of old fashioned. So he got down on his knee while I sat on the couch at my apartment. He didn’t know what to say. Honestly we still didn’t really know each other. We had seen each other on our senior trip and then when he came to sand mountain for a weekend. I had also gone to stay with him for a week in Sacramento before heading to college. With my parents approval although I’m pretty sure I told them Jerame and I were just friends. But I’m pretty sure they weren’t stupid and knew I was lying. The rest was on the phone. We also wrote each other letters and mailed them. Yep pretty old fashioned and I loved it. He was silent on his knee for quite a while. He tried staring at the tv for distraction. But finally he said, “Will you marry me?” and put my sister’s ring on my finger. Of course I said yes and we kissed.
Well Jerame told his aunt we were going to stop in Fallon on the way back to Sacramento to get married. She wanted it to be in Reno so it would be a little closer to his family in Sacramento. My parents weren’t sure where to do it in Reno and could get my bishop on short notice in Fallon for free. Jerame’s aunt still wanted it in Reno. So Jerame said we just won’t tell my family then. I still regret that because I know his mom would have gone as far as she had to to be there. And I wish we had told her. And I think he does too. And I know she does too.
The next day, Saturday, September 10, 1995, we drove all the way from Provo to Fallon. My sister had gotten a cake. My parents had gotten my bishop. I had a white prom dress that served as a wedding dress. My family had even invited close friends. They had set up chairs for guests in my sister’s back yard right by the chicken coupe. Oh yeah we did it in style! My sister took me to get my hair done.
Finally it was time. Jerame stood next to the chicken coupe and my bishop ringing his hands, which he still does when he’s nervous. I don’t know if any music played or if my dad just walked me out my sister’s sliding door past the guests in silence. We got married. The bishop said kiss the bride and Jerame tried to go for way more than I wanted to show to everyone.
We had cake and presents. We cut the cake like any newlyweds do. I will tell you that boy was vicious with the cake! He got it up my nose and I’m pretty sure down my tear ducts in my eyes. I was a mess! But that’s Jerame. Go big or go home.
After we got married, we got in the car and drove to Sacramento. He had to work the next day of course. We got to the house he was renting with two friends and they were outside waiting for us. Not sure how that worked since there were no cell phones to tell them we were getting close. Good timing I guess. They threw something on us, rice maybe? Jerame picked me up and carried me over the threshold of the door from the garage into the kitchen. We were married. Our lives together had begun. I’m sure people had bets on how long we’d make it. I’m sure we both weren’t positive we’d make it. Somehow we did. Four kids and 23 years. I wonder who won that bet? Anyone out there guess 23 years?
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Life Happens
Life happens. Unfortunately sometimes we forget to let the ones we love know how amazing they are. The attraction and passion is so intense at the beginning. It helps you fall in love. But staying in love takes work. Once kids come, that passion is not the same. Why? Because poop, puke, crying, lack of sleep, etc. it’s not easy. But I know now it’s so important to make that time for each other. We didn’t do that, not good enough. I absolutely admit that I neglected my marriage. There really is no excuse. But there certainly are reasons. I took it for granted. He would never leave me. He has shown me time and time again how much he really loves me. We’ve been through so much but he is always there. Always. But not anymore.
We get pulled in 100 different directions on a daily basis. Cheer, volleyball, dirver’s ed, preschool, dance, WORK. We never stop. Except that we do. Every single day at the end of the day we were in the same bed. If that’s the only time you can find then make the most of it before it’s too late. Date night. I know everyone says it. I heard it a million times. Make time for your spouse. Set aside a date night. We never did it. Sure we went out from time to time but not regularly. That was going to happen when kids grow up right? Nope. Because even as ours got older we still didn’t make time for each other. Yes both of us. I take credit for my part in it but it was two sided. He wasn’t perfect either.
But every time I said no in the bedroom I wish I could take it back. Every time I was too tired. Every time I wasn’t ready to make the kids sleep in their own beds. I wish I had known what that was doing to my marriage. It’s so funny because I have been a cheater. I should have known the signs. How did I not? They were the same signs I showed. All of the sudden his phone is on silent. All of the sudden his phone isn’t just left on the kitchen counter. All of the sudden he doesn’t want to go out with me. All of the sudden something is off. But when I asked he said he was just tired and stressed about money. I believed him. I should have known.
But I am as much at fault as he is. I made a lot of mistakes. And I just thought he’d always be there. But he’s not anymore.
The way he looks at me now is more painful than the words he says. His body language relveals how much he doesn’t want to be around me. It’s crushing. This is the man I always thought would love me unconditionally. He doesn’t. I took him for granted. I neglected our marriage. And now he’s gone.
So everyone that reads this please learn from my mistakes. Put your spouse first. The kids will be ok. They really will. Because even the ones that are very secure in their marriages can lose everything.
We get pulled in 100 different directions on a daily basis. Cheer, volleyball, dirver’s ed, preschool, dance, WORK. We never stop. Except that we do. Every single day at the end of the day we were in the same bed. If that’s the only time you can find then make the most of it before it’s too late. Date night. I know everyone says it. I heard it a million times. Make time for your spouse. Set aside a date night. We never did it. Sure we went out from time to time but not regularly. That was going to happen when kids grow up right? Nope. Because even as ours got older we still didn’t make time for each other. Yes both of us. I take credit for my part in it but it was two sided. He wasn’t perfect either.
But every time I said no in the bedroom I wish I could take it back. Every time I was too tired. Every time I wasn’t ready to make the kids sleep in their own beds. I wish I had known what that was doing to my marriage. It’s so funny because I have been a cheater. I should have known the signs. How did I not? They were the same signs I showed. All of the sudden his phone is on silent. All of the sudden his phone isn’t just left on the kitchen counter. All of the sudden he doesn’t want to go out with me. All of the sudden something is off. But when I asked he said he was just tired and stressed about money. I believed him. I should have known.
But I am as much at fault as he is. I made a lot of mistakes. And I just thought he’d always be there. But he’s not anymore.
The way he looks at me now is more painful than the words he says. His body language relveals how much he doesn’t want to be around me. It’s crushing. This is the man I always thought would love me unconditionally. He doesn’t. I took him for granted. I neglected our marriage. And now he’s gone.
So everyone that reads this please learn from my mistakes. Put your spouse first. The kids will be ok. They really will. Because even the ones that are very secure in their marriages can lose everything.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
The Beginning
I realized that I actually found an outlet by writing my feelings on Facebook. Some good conversations were created. But Facebook may not quite be the place to do that. So here we are!
I’m going to use this blog to heal my broken heart. To find a way to find good in myself during and after divorce. Because sometimes that’s a hard thing to do.
I want to tell my story. I want to get my thoughts and feelings out in a constructive way. You don’t have to read but I hope if you do you will maybe understand me a little better through this really crappy time.
I want to start with this story:
We both went to Disneyland for our senior trips. I was walking down the hall at the hotel with my friend and an 18-year-old (he turned 19 on this trip) Jerame was walking with his friend in the other direction. He says after we walked past each other he turned around and saw my butt in my short red shorts lol. Then he called to us and asked if we wanted to go to a party that night in his room. I asked if there would be alcohol there. He said, “do you want there to be?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then there won’t be.”
I asked, “Will there be drugs?”
He said, “Do you want there to be?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then there won’t be.”
So I agreed. Yes this is stupid. Going to the hotel room of a stranger! I never said I was a smart teenager! My mom will back me up on that! I definitely never made the right choices.
Well we went to his room and when we got there there was pot and alcohol so I said we were going to leave. He said there was none of that across the hall so we went to his friend’s room instead. We talked for a little bit and then I just jumped on him and kissed him. No judging. I wasn’t best teenager. Anyway it was awful. We both admitted years later that that kiss was horrible!
Anyway grad night at Disneyland started late I believe. They closed the park for just graduates. We had talked about meeting up but people this was a time before cell phones! Wasn't actually a possibility. My friends and I stayed until the last bus left. As we boarded the bus there he was. His silly goofy self sitting in a seat by himself. Of course I sat next to him!
I’m assuming I went to his room with friends but to be honest I don’t remember the specifics. Can’t even remember if it was that night or the next night. We really didn’t sleep at all that week. I think my friends went across the hall again? Maybe Cindy or Nadene could clarify that one for me. Anyway yes we ended up in a room alone together (sorry mom). Again, not the best teenager! Don’t worry though everyone we didn’t have sex. But we did make out a little. Yep from the beginning he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him. Until recently I didn’t even know it was possible for him not to be attracted to me. 23 years of attraction. At least I think. I don’t really want to ask him. I probably don’t really want to know. It probably wouldn’t matter anyway. Knowing wouldn’t change anything. But I’ve always felt that he wanted me. Our attraction has always been so intense. We’ve always just fit perfectly.
We exchanged numbers. I found out he was renting a house in Sacramento with a friend and not at home with parents. What about that isn’t appealing to a small town Nevada girl that just wants out of being a small town girl? Plus this good looking guy?
We both went home after the trip of course. But we talked every day on the phone that summer. Well maybe that’s an exaggeration since long distance phone calls costed money back then. But we talked a lot. No cell phones. No texting. Real talking. With the cords connected to the walls! Ok again possible exaggeration. I’m pretty sure we had cordless phones by then. He even came to see me in Nevada once. We went out to sand mountain with his friends and brother. He rode me around on his dirt bike. We made out on the back side of the mountain. Attraction. Never a problem. Until now I guess.
To be continued....
I’m going to use this blog to heal my broken heart. To find a way to find good in myself during and after divorce. Because sometimes that’s a hard thing to do.
I want to tell my story. I want to get my thoughts and feelings out in a constructive way. You don’t have to read but I hope if you do you will maybe understand me a little better through this really crappy time.
I want to start with this story:
We both went to Disneyland for our senior trips. I was walking down the hall at the hotel with my friend and an 18-year-old (he turned 19 on this trip) Jerame was walking with his friend in the other direction. He says after we walked past each other he turned around and saw my butt in my short red shorts lol. Then he called to us and asked if we wanted to go to a party that night in his room. I asked if there would be alcohol there. He said, “do you want there to be?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then there won’t be.”
I asked, “Will there be drugs?”
He said, “Do you want there to be?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then there won’t be.”
So I agreed. Yes this is stupid. Going to the hotel room of a stranger! I never said I was a smart teenager! My mom will back me up on that! I definitely never made the right choices.
Well we went to his room and when we got there there was pot and alcohol so I said we were going to leave. He said there was none of that across the hall so we went to his friend’s room instead. We talked for a little bit and then I just jumped on him and kissed him. No judging. I wasn’t best teenager. Anyway it was awful. We both admitted years later that that kiss was horrible!
Anyway grad night at Disneyland started late I believe. They closed the park for just graduates. We had talked about meeting up but people this was a time before cell phones! Wasn't actually a possibility. My friends and I stayed until the last bus left. As we boarded the bus there he was. His silly goofy self sitting in a seat by himself. Of course I sat next to him!
I’m assuming I went to his room with friends but to be honest I don’t remember the specifics. Can’t even remember if it was that night or the next night. We really didn’t sleep at all that week. I think my friends went across the hall again? Maybe Cindy or Nadene could clarify that one for me. Anyway yes we ended up in a room alone together (sorry mom). Again, not the best teenager! Don’t worry though everyone we didn’t have sex. But we did make out a little. Yep from the beginning he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him. Until recently I didn’t even know it was possible for him not to be attracted to me. 23 years of attraction. At least I think. I don’t really want to ask him. I probably don’t really want to know. It probably wouldn’t matter anyway. Knowing wouldn’t change anything. But I’ve always felt that he wanted me. Our attraction has always been so intense. We’ve always just fit perfectly.
We exchanged numbers. I found out he was renting a house in Sacramento with a friend and not at home with parents. What about that isn’t appealing to a small town Nevada girl that just wants out of being a small town girl? Plus this good looking guy?
We both went home after the trip of course. But we talked every day on the phone that summer. Well maybe that’s an exaggeration since long distance phone calls costed money back then. But we talked a lot. No cell phones. No texting. Real talking. With the cords connected to the walls! Ok again possible exaggeration. I’m pretty sure we had cordless phones by then. He even came to see me in Nevada once. We went out to sand mountain with his friends and brother. He rode me around on his dirt bike. We made out on the back side of the mountain. Attraction. Never a problem. Until now I guess.
To be continued....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)