Well it's been a year. A year since I thought my world came crashing down. A year since I found out my life was a lie. A deception.
A year ago the worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. I didn't know at the time that it was also the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It remains the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me if that makes sense. I'll explain a little further because I'm honestly trying to make sense of it myself. First I'm going to get out all the reasons why it was and still is the worst thing that ever happened to me so that the depression of this post can be overwhelmed at the end with the absolute positivity of this post.
WORST
The pain you feel when you lose someone is excruciating. But the pain my children have felt this last year is worse. I can't imagine their pain. I didn't grow up in a broken home and so I honestly try but can't relate to some of the choices they have to make.
Sophie lost a daddy that loved her and she loved him. He makes no effort to see or talk to her and it breaks my heart for her. My other three daughters that are his biological daughters are always feeling as though they have to take sides. That they can't love us both. They are now getting the attention that they never had from him and so my always being there has started to be taken for granted.
I lost my family. My "normal" family life. My security and comfort. My kids have to finish growing up in a broken home. The co-parenting is non-existent. I had close relationships with all my kids and now I'm losing those.
When we were first married he told me that if I gain weight he will divorce me. I was 17 and about 105 pounds. Well I'm not 17 or 105 pounds anymore. I always took it as a joke. But I realize now it wasn't a joke. I'm not pretty enough anymore for him. I remember when he told me that I told his aunt and she told me he should never say anything like that to me. But he was joking right? My self worth and self esteem have plummeted during this year. It's been painful to deal with the lack of confidence and the feeling of not being pretty.
He always made those kinds of "jokes". I thought they were normal. I thought they were ok. Now looking back I realize they weren't ok. He did mean them even if he chuckled after saying them. He didn't treat me as his equal. He didn't respect me or give me credit for anything I did. He constantly let other people make those jokes about me and never stood up for me.
BEST
I didn't know that the way I had been treated for 23 years was not the way I should be treated. How do I know that this wasn't normal? Because I have found someone that doesn't make those jokes and honestly doesn't even think they're funny. I can imagine how he would react if someone else made them. And he wouldn't be ok with it. Because I now see how a man should treat a woman I realize I never had a healthy marriage. I wasn't ever respected or loved by that man. Not in the way I deserved to be. So for this reason what happened a year ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a partner with the same goals and values as me. A partner that doesn't pressure me to drink alcohol with him. A partner that doesn't encourage me to ignore my values. A partner that doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not comfortable with something.
I have become more acquainted with my religion. That is not something I ever had the support from my ex-husband to do. In fact he made me feel like I was stupid for wanting it. He made me feel like I was not good enough for him. But now I have the freedom to pursue my religion.
I am able to be me. For years I have been Jerame's wife, Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Alyson's mom, and Sophie's mom. I honestly didn't even know who I was anymore or what I liked to do. Our time consisted of Jerame's hobbies or the girls' hobbies. I didn't have any hobbies. I still have not been able to find something I love yet but I am now able to pursue that with someone by my side that actually cares what I want.
Some things are hard for me, like taking compliments. I'm not used to them and I honestly don't know how to react or show appreciation for them. I get them all the time now! I also have not been able to actually build my confidence and self esteem back up to where I know it needs to be. I'm still insecure. I'm still suspicious of everything. I'm just glad that I have someone by my side that is willing to help me work through that. I still have work to do on me. But I am blessed in so many ways that my husband left me. It still hurts and it has done some damage to me that hasn't quite been repaired yet, but without him leaving I would never know what it is to be treated good. I would never know what it is to be important. I would never know what it is to be special.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Monday, October 14, 2019
Let's get real about fake and family
So this one is going to just be my opinion. Everyone relax a little and hear me out before forming an opinion. But seriously I just want to get real about a few things.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
What on Earth has happened to the family structure? It's so easy to get divorced now and so very accepted and normal. People just don't work things out anymore. The grass is greener right?
But really . . . is it?
The family is absolutely under attack. By who you ask? Satan! Society! Politics!
We are in a world where a parent cannot punish their child without everyone, including the law, knocking them down for it. This makes it especially hard on divorced parents that can't get along. If one parent uses the punishment from the other parent as a tool to lift themselves up in the eyes of their children and undermines the punishing parent those kids only learn disrespect. They start playing their parents against each other to get what they want.
But first how on earth did we even get to this point? What is causing all the divorce? It's statistically proven that the divorce rates are continually increasing. Divorce is so much more accepted today than it was even 20 years ago. Couples continually let outside influences tear them apart. Often times friend's opinions of your spouse are more important than your own.
Cheating has become increasingly the norm and socially acceptable. The cheater seems to find many reasons why the cheating incident was the non-cheating partner's fault to justify it. It's more often than not blamed on the person who didn't cheat. But really . . . IT'S NEVER OK! I don't care if you are feeling neglected, you're angry, or you're hurt. IT IS NOT OK. There is no excuse. If you are unhappy . . . leave! File for divorce. But don't look for someone new until you do. Why is it so hard to try to work things out? Why is it so hard to respect the each other and your marriage?
I saw somewhere that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons, like loneliness. I fully believe that. If I had had sex more my husband would probably not have looked elsewhere. And if he hadn't let his acquaintances bad mouth me so much that he started to believe them.
It's so easy to cheat now. Social media is relentless. Everyone is happy except you right? It seems that way. It's easier now that everyone has their own phones and accounts to hide the cheating. For instance, when my husband asked us to help him set up snapchat, my husband that was never interested in any form of social media, I did thinking it would be fun. That app can easily be used for hiding cheating. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
Then there are the people that are more than happy to help the cheater. Friends that don't like your spouse are happy to jump on that bandwagon. Then there are the men and women that have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage. Especially women. Men think they can find their dream girls because of how much makeup someone wears or how much time they spend on themselves. Do you know how much time they are taking away from their actual life meaning? To get your hair done regularly, put six inches of makeup on daily, work out at the gym daily, go tanning regularly takes so much time away from family and the kids that are relying on that person are so often neglected. And not to mention the money that goes along with that. Some people even buy the cheapest grave marker they can for their deceased spouse and choose to spend money that was donated because of his death on boob jobs instead.
Here's the real thing though . . . those people are FAKE. 100% FAKE! They aren't what you expect. So much temptation and so few morals.
What about the woman that gave birth to all of your children? Sure she has gained weight from that 17-year-old you married but she did it creating your children. She's certainly gotten older, it's been 24 years. Did you ever think she let herself go because she was way too busy putting everyone else first? Did you ever stop to think about what she actually spent on herself? How often did she get her hair done? Go to the gym? Get new clothes for herself instead of your children? Almost NEVER. Even in family pictures everyone had new clothes except her.
But what about her support in moving to another state where she was even further from her family? What about the blind jump into starting businesses with you and her support getting them off the ground? What about all the time you were able to spend building those businesses because she did all the raising of your children? What about her working graveyards to make ends meet? What about her helping your kids to excel in school and be successful? What about the values and morals she taught your children? What about the woman that made sure they were all active in sports and other activities? What about the woman that slept with you in the hospital when you broke your femur? What about the woman that helped you shower when you were hurt? What about the woman that always was the one to make sure your parents had Christmas presents? What about the woman that made your house a home?
Maybe she didn't always go about things the right way. Maybe she sometimes got too busy with the kids to realize she was neglecting you. But that woman has always been a good woman. And she deserves better than being cheated on. And everything you have done since you left is wrong. People have so much trouble actually taking accountability for their actions.
But guess what? She's so much better now. She has found new meaning to life and honestly you were holding her back. She now has purpose. She now has someone that lifts her up instead of tearing her down. She's better without you.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Co-Parenting
I want to pose a question to everyone.
Here's a situation. When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive. She promised to follow those rules and understood them. I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks. This is a privilege for a 15-year-old. Not a right.
Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it. I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug. I chose to continue trusting her.
Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule. When caught she lied. When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it. I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care. So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong. She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong. So I took the car away completely.
I'm being vague in the details on purpose. Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.
Now let me put the details in. I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to. But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.
Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me:
Emma drives herself to school. I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00. I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me). After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home. That's the plan. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.
Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie. I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him. This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me. Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter. She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly. How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial? Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including my children. He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally. He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him. He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him. He has made no effort yet continues to blame me. The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her. I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children. I cannot protect them. But I can protect Sophie. And I will. She needs stability. Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good. He is hurting her. So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.
Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license. For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first. I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why. She promised over and over that that would never happen.
Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare. I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop. She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them. The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.
The next week my daughters were with Jerame. Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about. She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister. I said she could. So they went and got a cookie. When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them. I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house. Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?). Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason. And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period! Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people. I let it go.
Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter. I had not given money to the kids for Crumble. My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble. I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me. Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how? It's my week. I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame. When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing? Well I tell you not for my kids. Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out. That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad. It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father. Again...what? Why was she with her father? But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me? Emma says no of course not. Ok . . . I let it go. Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie. So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame. Sophie nods her head yes. I look at Emma again. Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up." Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop? And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do. And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)! Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset. It was an accident after all. So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was? How on earth is that an accident? "I just forgot to tell you first." So you knew she was going to see him? Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?
And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever. I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful. Of course not she says. She did nothing wrong. So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across. So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun. I was yelled at that that's why she hates me. I am an awful mom. She wants to live with her dad. I never do anything for her. She stomped down to her room.
Huh...ok. But here's another thing. Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week? Again it's not about seeing their dad. It's about the lies. The deceit. All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me. Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma. Um ok why didn't you tell me? Because he's my dad. Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me? I don't know. You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad. AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad. It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me. How long has this been going on? All week. ALL WEEK?! What? Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma. And you don't think you should have told me? Or talked to me about it? Or seen if there was anything I could have done? No because I talked to my dad. But it isn't his week!!!!!
Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away. Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother. Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should. Of course NONE of that! And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.
Fast forward to this morning. Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school. I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week. Of course she said no. So I said then that's her answer. No she can't go. This one is hard for me. This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue. I was completely shocked. So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong. So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent. What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand! And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want. There is absolutely no supervision at his house. No boundaries. And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent. I don't have tons of rules. I don't set tons of limits. There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest! But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with. At least on the weeks they are with me. Even if that person is their father. And I expect them to do the same for him with me. Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first. Out of respect and co-parenting.
So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad. Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other. It's getting so old.
Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives. This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us. I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it. She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA. Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away. Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him. Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs. They are his puppets.
Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me? Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening? Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids? Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them. Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting? Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect? Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do? And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess? How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?
Here's a situation. When my daughter got her driver's license I made rules she had to follow to continue driving my car and to continue having certain privileges associated with the freedom of being able to drive. She promised to follow those rules and understood them. I allowed her to be able to even drive that car while at her father's house on his weeks. This is a privilege for a 15-year-old. Not a right.
Last week, she didn't exactly break a rule but did something with that privilege that she chose to hide from me and then after being caught, chose to lie about it. I reprimanded her nicely and brushed it under the rug. I chose to continue trusting her.
Yesterday she deliberately broke a rule. When caught she lied. When pressed further she lied more. Finally she admitted it. I chose to take away a privilege she had wanted that went along with her driving and she didn't care. So I decided that it obviously wouldn't matter, she had no remorse, and was even angry that I thought she was wrong. She made it clear that nothing would change because she refused to admit she was wrong. So I took the car away completely.
I'm being vague in the details on purpose. Because in general everyone would agree that is parenting and allowed and justified.
Now let me put the details in. I of course believe it is justified to punish my daughter for blatantly violating the rules she agreed to. But because of bias, I feel like some people will disagree so I wanted to leave the specifics out at first.
Here is the school day plan on the weeks they are with me:
Emma drives herself to school. I take Sophie to daycare, drop Aly off at school, then go to work until 5:00. I used to pick my kids up from school every day but obviously I can't do that anymore (for which they blame me and only me). After school, Emma is supposed to pick Aly up (Emma gets out after Aly so Aly has to wait for about 20-25 minutes after school for Emma), then they go pick Sophie up at daycare and go home. That's the plan. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can with the limits we now all have.
Side note: When Jerame left, he left not only me but he left Sophie. I continued to let him be involved in her life and even let her spend the night a couple times with him. This was when he first left and he had made promises to still care for us and was being somewhat remorseful and not bad mouthing me. Now understand that Sophie (5) is not Jerame's biological daughter. She already goes back and forth between her biological father's house and my house regularly. How would adding another house to bounce between be beneficial? Then Jerame started bad mouthing me to everyone, including my children. He started purposely trying to hurt me emotionally and legally. He hasn't asked to see Sophie in months. He blocks my number on his phone all the time so even if Sophie wants to talk to him she can't even call him. He makes remarks to Sophie when he does see her about how I won't let her see him. He has made no effort yet continues to blame me. The only efforts he makes are behind my back through the girls so I cannot supervise what he says to her. I unfortunately cannot control what he says to our shared children. I cannot protect them. But I can protect Sophie. And I will. She needs stability. Not a man that will choose her when convenient and only to make himself look good. He is hurting her. So yes I am protecting her. It will be on my terms.
Emma wanted to be the one to pick Sophie up at daycare when she got her license. For the reasons above, one of the rules I set with the car was that Emma was not to take Sophie to the shop under any circumstances (because the people there are paid by Jerame and therefore are his minions in my opinion when it comes to hurting and trashing on me) nor was she allowed to take Sophie to see Jerame unless cleared with me first. I explained the reasons above to her and she agreed and understood why. She promised over and over that that would never happen.
Emma asked me a couple weeks ago if she could take Sophie to see Jerame after picking her up from daycare. I told her that she could as long as it was not at the shop. She has no reason to be around the people at the shop and therefore will absolutely not be around them. The girls met him at a gas station and he bought Sophie a treat. I allowed this meeting.
The next week my daughters were with Jerame. Emma came by to visit with Sophie, which I specified she needed to tell her dad about. She called me at work and asked me if she could take Sophie to crumble with her and her other sister. I said she could. So they went and got a cookie. When Sophie got home with Emma, Aly wasn't with them. I asked where Aly was and was told by Sophie that she wasn't supposed to tell me that they dropped her off at Jerame's girlfriend's house. Emma said she didn't mean to tell Sophie to lie (Uuummm?). Anyway I found out that Jerame's girlfriend's daughter (again these are people I am protecting Sophie from for the things they say) had been with them to go to Crumble. I told my daughter that I am done with the crap of everyone keeping things from me for no reason. And to quit telling her 5-year-old sister to lie to me. Just stop with the lies period! Not technically breaking the rule of asking to see Jerame before she takes Sophie to see him and I didn't specify other people. I let it go.
Then yesterday! I came home and saw a Crumble box on the counter. I had not given money to the kids for Crumble. My kids have no money. So I asked excitedly who got Crumble. I honestly assumed it was my boyfriend trying to surprise me. Emma then said that Jerame gave Aly money for Crumble. What? Um...how? It's my week. I wasn't aware of anyone going to see Jerame. When your kids are with you shouldn't they tell you where they are? Isn't that a thing? Well I tell you not for my kids. Because their dad makes sure that they know he will have their back and undermine me when I find out. That the only permission ever needed is his for anything. This isn't about them seeing their dad. It's about the lies and deceit. Then I'm told that Aly was given the money when Emma went to pick her up from her father. Again...what? Why was she with her father? But then I brush it off because the bigger question was...did you take Sophie to see your dad without telling me? Emma says no of course not. Ok . . . I let it go. Then Sophie chimes in saying that daddy gave her gum. UUUUUMMMMMM...huh? I look at Emma who then tells me that Jerame gave Aly gum to give to Sophie. So I look at Sophie and ask if she saw Jerame. Sophie nods her head yes. I look at Emma again. Emma says "well I didn't mean to take her to see dad he just came outside when I picked Aly up." Um ok so then you even took Sophie to the shop? And then lied when directly asked about it more than once! I told Emma that was the one thing I asked her not to do. And that taking her to see Jerame was to be approved by me first (which approval I have yet to NOT give btw)! Emma started telling me it wasn't a big deal and to quit being upset. It was an accident after all. So you accidentally picked Sophie up from daycare and accidentally took her to where Jerame was? How on earth is that an accident? "I just forgot to tell you first." So you knew she was going to see him? Accidentally? I'm supposed to believe that after the lies you literally just told me minutes ago? It's only been a couple weeks since you got your license and honestly you can't just respect me for even that long? Am I seriously asking too much?
And then I tell her she can't pick up Sophie from daycare anymore, something SHE wanted to do. She just rolls her eyes at me and says whatever. I asked her if she really didn't see how what she did was wrong and disrespectful. Of course not she says. She did nothing wrong. So I realized that taking away the privilege to pick Sophie up at daycare wasn't going to get the point across. So I took the car away. And that's when it all got fun. I was yelled at that that's why she hates me. I am an awful mom. She wants to live with her dad. I never do anything for her. She stomped down to her room.
Huh...ok. But here's another thing. Why was Aly even with Jerame on MY week? Again it's not about seeing their dad. It's about the lies. The deceit. All that their father encourages. So I go ask Aly why she was with her dad without telling me. Because she asked him to pick her up so she didn't have to wait for Emma. Um ok why didn't you tell me? Because he's my dad. Ok it's my week so why didn't you tell me? I don't know. You don't think I should know where my kids are? It's not a big deal because he's my dad. AGAIN it isn't about seeing their dad. It's about the lies, deceit, and absolute disrespect for me. How long has this been going on? All week. ALL WEEK?! What? Well she asked him to start picking her up on my weeks so she doesn't have to wait for Emma. And you don't think you should have told me? Or talked to me about it? Or seen if there was anything I could have done? No because I talked to my dad. But it isn't his week!!!!!
Of course the texts from their dad start about how big of a b!$@& I am and how I can't take the car away from Emma and how I keep Sophie from him...blah blah blah. Of course nothing about hey help me understand why you took the car away. Nothing about how the girls should have told me what they were doing and encouraging the girls to not lie to their mother. Or apologizing for him not telling me what was going on like a good co-parent should. Of course NONE of that! And of course not even an ounce of backup for their lying and disrespect.
Fast forward to this morning. Aly asks if she can go to a volleyball game after school. I asked her if she saw anything wrong with the lying and doing things behind my back that she had been doing all week. Of course she said no. So I said then that's her answer. No she can't go. This one is hard for me. This kid has been so respectful and honest that this just hit me from out of the blue. I was completely shocked. So I tried to talk to her on the way to school to explain why what she did was wrong. So then I get told that I am a terrible mother and Jerame is the better parent. What? Because I am setting boundaries? I asked her if she had lied to her dad and kept from him what she was doing if her dad would be mad and she said he would probably but wouldn't be as mad as I am. Let me tell you I have actually been so calm with these kids about this entire thing. Literally just trying to talk to them to get them to understand! And to say that he is a better parent? This is the man that has been non-existent their entire lives! The man that let's them do whatever they want and gives them whatever they want. There is absolutely no supervision at his house. No boundaries. And honestly I think I have been a pretty easy going parent. I don't have tons of rules. I don't set tons of limits. There is supervision at my house but it is not overbearing even in the slightest! But I do expect respect. I do expect to know what my kids are doing and who they're with. At least on the weeks they are with me. Even if that person is their father. And I expect them to do the same for him with me. Emma came over for homecoming, on her dad's week, and I told her she couldn't unless she cleared it with her dad first. Out of respect and co-parenting.
So Aly continues by telling me she wants to live with her dad. Can I tell you how old this crap is getting? And they continue to do it because their dad let's them play us against each other. It's getting so old.
Then I get a text from Jerame saying he has cancelled the insurance on the KIA Emma drives. This, by the way, is something he agreed in Court, and it was put in an Order, to keep paying until the divorce is final for all of us. I texted Emma that she can't drive it anymore because there is no insurance on it. She replies that she doesn't care anyway because dad's girlfriend is letting her drive her car she doesn't use anymore now so she doesn't need the KIA. Am I wrong or is this completely undermining me? They have ensured now that Emma absolutely doesn't have to respect me or my punishments or follow my rules because they will just give her what I took away. Can someone please explain it to me if I am wrong? And by someone I don't mean anyone that is paid by Jerame to stick up for him. Those people are insignificant and do what they have to to keep their jobs. They are his puppets.
Is it wrong to expect to know where my kids are when they are with me? Is it wrong to protect Sophie from the crap that keeps happening? Is it wrong to expect respect from my kids? Honestly they don't have to understand my rules but they do have to follow them and respect them. Am i flawed in thinking that there should be a little backup in co-parenting? Am I wrong to think their father should not encourage sneaking around behind my back and lying and disrespect? Am I wrong in thinking that by Jerame giving her a car to drive it is essentially telling her she doesn't have to do anything I tell her to do? And telling her that she doesn't have to respect my boundaries? How on earth do I even fix this mess? How on earth do I protect my other daughters from the damage he is doing to them?
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Hate
I have been on a spiritual high for a couple weeks now. I have dug down and I actually have some confidence again. I don’t believe everything was my fault. I do believe I have made mistakes. Whether anyone cares or not, I am human. I have feelings and emotions. Yes I’m a mother but also I am human. Sometimes the human takes over and I’m not as good of a mother as I want to be. But I finally felt good about me!
Oh but then Satan. Satan has a way of making that self doubt come back. It’s generally through someone else. Although sometimes it’s through my own mistakes. But wow did he hit me hard this last week.
People have so much hate. It’s like they see someone down and they can’t keep themselves from enjoying the hurt that person is in. And it even makes them want to make it worse for that person. Why? I don’t know maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone feeling worse than they do? Maybe jealousy?
I’m sure many people saw the nasty comments left on my blog post. I’m sure many people laughed at them. I’m sure many people told others to look (especially the one that posted them). I did respond once but to the 4 or 5 other comments that were left I didn’t even read them. The first one was enough to make me question myself again. It was enough to make me doubt who I thought I had become. I didn’t need to read the rest. All I got from the comments was that for years my husband was trashing me to other people. For years nothing good that I did was noticed. That instead of being my partner my husband was making me out to be a monster. Behind my back. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely I did. But so did he. He was trashing me and making sure to lift himself up to everyone else. And what o also found out is that people that were nice to my face were encouraging my husband to get rid of me. To split apart his family.
Our story didn’t start in Pocatello, Idaho. It didn’t start when we moved here in 2006. That’s when some of the people he associates with now met us. But we started many years before that. So for people to pretend that they know what our marriage has been since the beginning and feel the need to judge either of us . . . they honestly have no idea! They don’t know us. They know the man that turned his back. They know the big things but not the little things that led to them.
I’m done. I’m done reading the hate. I’m done feeling Satan’s power through his conduits. I’m a good person and I plan on remaining a good person. And I’m not letting it destroy me and I’m not going to continue to doubt myself.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
You - A Letter from Your Mother
I felt you inside of me. I loved you first! My heartbeat may have been the first sound you heard. Or maybe the sound of my voice. We were connected. I watched you take your first breath. I heard your first cry. I changed your first diaper. I was the first to look into your eyes. I saw what was inside of you. Who you really are. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I would watch you stare at lights as an infant and knew you were watching angels because you had such a spiritual light around you.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
I nursed you. I cuddled and kissed you. I held you close and sang you songs. I laid with you when you fell asleep. I cried when you cried. I felt your pain. I hurt for you. I have worried for you.
You! You are so tender hearted and empathetic. You have always felt what other people feel. You have always worried about what may come and how to fix things.
That's why I know that what you are going through is tearing you up inside. Because I know you. I know that you feel like you have to choose but baby you don't have to choose anything. This is happening to you not because of you. But you are hurting so badly that you don't know how to express it. I understand that because we are so much alike in that category.
I see your pain and I am so sorry for my part in it. You lash out at your sister and you lash out at me. And it is not your fault. You are hurting. And I see that. I see that you need me more now than ever even if you say you don't want me. I know you need me. I have always kissed your pain away but this pain is so big that a kiss isn't all you need.
You think that the easiest way to protect yourself is to harden your heart. Because being soft makes it too easy to feel pain. You feel alone. You feel sad. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired. You feel angry. You feel unimportant.
You are hurting.
Baby you are important. You can do anything. You are smart and beautiful. You are going to get through this and be stronger. And no matter what you say or do I will be right there with you. When you say things to just hurt me I know it is your pain talking. Your pain has turned to anger because it is your way to cope. And I know that. But I still know you. I know the real young lady that is crying on the inside. You have taken on too much and I know that my pain hurt you. It's why you are so angry, because you hurt for me. I cry for you too. I hurt for you too. I will always be your mommy. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere.
But I promise you are NOT alone. Please don't forget that you are special to me. I love you now even more than I did at our beginning. You will always be my baby. I am going to fix your pain. Just know that it will take some time. But you have to let me try. I love you most-er-est-er-est.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
All the Right Things
For months I have been working on bettering myself. I have been working on gaining a strong testimony in my faith. I have been making the right choices for my faith. I am not drinking. I am not having sex with my boyfriend. I am working on not swearing...although this one I admit that I struggle the most with. I am working on my parenting and patience and honestly I feel like I am doing a great job in those areas. I am working on listening to what my kids need. I am doing all the right things.
I see the improvements in my life spiritually. I am feeling my Heavenly Father's love. I am seeing the blessings I have been given. I am doing all the right things.
So why does it feel like I move forward one step and then get knocked back three, or four, or fifty?!
The answer is simple . . . my kids. I have spent almost 21 years being a mother. Pretty much only a mother. I have been known as Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Aly's mom, Sophie's mom, or Jerame's wife. Rarely have I been known as Kelli. I don't have much of an identity without those other five names preceding me. Why? Because they have been my life. I gave up a career and a way to support myself to raise my kids and support my husband in his career. It's not their fault. I chose it. But I also couldn't see the future financial struggle coming my way.
I do see the rewards of what I have done. I have amazingly smart children. Every single one of them. They all work hard at school and in their activities and excel at everything they do. All of my girls are gorgeous. They are healthy. I have been lucky as a mother to be blessed with the chance to be a part of their lives. It was worth giving up my identity.
So here I sit. No husband, no support from my children, no respect from any of them . . . and still without an identity.
Here's what I want to do. I want to go back to school. I want to get a degree. I want to be independent. I want to travel. I especially want to do service. I want to help people. I want to be respected. I want my children to care. I want my ex-husband to respect me and try to be friendly. I want the same from Sophie's dad. I want my children to respect me. I want to have my children stop throwing daggers at me in the form of words. I want the same from their father. I want to matter. I want to be important. Doesn't everyone?
Jerame is very good at hurting me through my kids. I am doing everything right but he still has that control. I don't love him anymore, that's not what this is about. But I do love my kids. He has effectively poisoned them against me and continues to do so. I cannot discipline because he will undermine me. If I try they then tell me they want to live with their dad. He doesn't discipline and is rarely around so the lack of supervision is appealing for them. And he has money. I don't. He can buy them whatever they want. I can't. The things they say to me I know they didn't come up with on their own. I know they are being told things by their father. The problem is that they are mostly untrue things or extreme exaggerations meant to hurt me or scare me.
But I am not scared. I am doing all the right things. I am focused. I have plans. Good plans. But the words still hurt. The disrespect and ungratefulness still hurt. I just hope that some day my children will see the truth. That one day they will at least let me tell my side instead of believing the lies they so readily believe now. That they even hunger for to help their hate grow.
I hope they see that hate is not the answer. Love is the answer. Understanding is the answer. Hate is eating alive my oldest two right now. They are blinded by it.
I know what you're thinking, or maybe it's just my thoughts, but I don't hate Jerame. I am hurt by him. I am confused by him. But I don't hate him.
I am doing all the right things. Things are getting better. There is just one area in my life that I desperately want to change for the better. And that's area is my relationships with my children. That is my biggest stumbling block. That is where I don't know what to do. That is my biggest defeat.
I see the improvements in my life spiritually. I am feeling my Heavenly Father's love. I am seeing the blessings I have been given. I am doing all the right things.
So why does it feel like I move forward one step and then get knocked back three, or four, or fifty?!
The answer is simple . . . my kids. I have spent almost 21 years being a mother. Pretty much only a mother. I have been known as Lacey's mom, Emma's mom, Aly's mom, Sophie's mom, or Jerame's wife. Rarely have I been known as Kelli. I don't have much of an identity without those other five names preceding me. Why? Because they have been my life. I gave up a career and a way to support myself to raise my kids and support my husband in his career. It's not their fault. I chose it. But I also couldn't see the future financial struggle coming my way.
I do see the rewards of what I have done. I have amazingly smart children. Every single one of them. They all work hard at school and in their activities and excel at everything they do. All of my girls are gorgeous. They are healthy. I have been lucky as a mother to be blessed with the chance to be a part of their lives. It was worth giving up my identity.
So here I sit. No husband, no support from my children, no respect from any of them . . . and still without an identity.
Here's what I want to do. I want to go back to school. I want to get a degree. I want to be independent. I want to travel. I especially want to do service. I want to help people. I want to be respected. I want my children to care. I want my ex-husband to respect me and try to be friendly. I want the same from Sophie's dad. I want my children to respect me. I want to have my children stop throwing daggers at me in the form of words. I want the same from their father. I want to matter. I want to be important. Doesn't everyone?
Jerame is very good at hurting me through my kids. I am doing everything right but he still has that control. I don't love him anymore, that's not what this is about. But I do love my kids. He has effectively poisoned them against me and continues to do so. I cannot discipline because he will undermine me. If I try they then tell me they want to live with their dad. He doesn't discipline and is rarely around so the lack of supervision is appealing for them. And he has money. I don't. He can buy them whatever they want. I can't. The things they say to me I know they didn't come up with on their own. I know they are being told things by their father. The problem is that they are mostly untrue things or extreme exaggerations meant to hurt me or scare me.
But I am not scared. I am doing all the right things. I am focused. I have plans. Good plans. But the words still hurt. The disrespect and ungratefulness still hurt. I just hope that some day my children will see the truth. That one day they will at least let me tell my side instead of believing the lies they so readily believe now. That they even hunger for to help their hate grow.
I hope they see that hate is not the answer. Love is the answer. Understanding is the answer. Hate is eating alive my oldest two right now. They are blinded by it.
I know what you're thinking, or maybe it's just my thoughts, but I don't hate Jerame. I am hurt by him. I am confused by him. But I don't hate him.
I am doing all the right things. Things are getting better. There is just one area in my life that I desperately want to change for the better. And that's area is my relationships with my children. That is my biggest stumbling block. That is where I don't know what to do. That is my biggest defeat.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Letting Go
Well this has been a very long seven months. I have struggled with my actions and feelings. I have all but lost some of my children. I was with the same man for 23 years. I didn't want to let go of the life we had and the comfort we had.
Well I have started dating. In doing that I have come to realize that maybe the life we had wasn't so comfortable. It was just . . . blah. We didn't respect each other. We didn't worry about each other. We were married young and got into immature bad habits in our communication. Did I ever love him? I think so. Was he what I wanted for my future even when I was a little girl? No. Not at all. When I was little I wanted to be married to a man that could marry me in the temple. Oh how teenage years made me forget that.
That being said it wasn't all bad. Look at my beautiful girls. They are half him. They are amazing because they are who they are. And they are who they are because of both of us. We had good times. We had bad times. We had blah times.
But here I am now. All of the fighting over the last several months, what exactly was it for? It wasn't for possessions or even fairness. Honestly, it was for a life I was afraid to let go of. Not because of money or anything like that, but because it was what I knew. Change terrifies me. Was I happy? Definitely not. But I thought I was because it was what I knew. Not knowing what's next is scary.
For months before Jerame left I had gotten back into the church to find out for myself if it was true. I started wanting that temple marriage again and figuring I could maybe get Jerame there some day when he saw how happy the church was making me. He'd of course want that too right? Some pretty awesome things were happening and everything was making sense to me...except my marriage. I prayed every day for my marriage. It wasn't bad but I wanted it to be good. So I prayed that Jerame and I could "fix" our marriage. I prayed so hard. I was seeing answers to other prayers but this one was a work in progress.
Well then the day came, he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. But then at the front of my mind was this thought, "Oh no, is this the answer?" I wanted it fixed but fixed can mean so many things. I had prayed that we would figure things out with each other. Did that mean divorce? I wanted a temple marriage and honestly I wasn't convinced he would get me there. Was this the answer to my prayers. Of course that thought was pushed right out. No it was an answer but it was an answer in the form of a wake-up call. I was convinced this was the answer telling me I was neglecting my marriage. Ok then, I would change that. I would focus on him.
Well he didn't want that. He wanted someone else and with someone else comes a divorce. I fought tooth and nail. I wasn't going to let him go easily. He was going to see the mistake he made and I was going to make sure of it.
Through divorce proceedings, I also don't want to get taken advantage of, and he doesn't want to let material things go or buy me out of them. I want fair. I just want fair.
He asked me a week or so ago if he could come get some items from my house that he feels are his. Absolutely not I said! If he takes them then he will never be fair about the divorce. That's what I thought.
Crazy thing happened. I found someone. Finding someone made me realize that what I have always wanted is actually still possible after all the mistakes I have made in the past. I can have what I want and I can be treated so much better! And finding someone made me realize that I don't care. I just don't care. What was I really fighting over? Was it really money and possessions? Nope. It was fighting over letting go. I was afraid to let go. I thought that our life was the one I wanted. But now I realize the one I wanted when I was a little girl is the one I want now. Jerame will never get me to the temple. We weren't nice to each other. We just were. That's it. We existed. I don't want that life anymore. I don't care about pianos and four wheelers. I still want to be treated fairly in the divorce, don't get me wrong. But I guess I just don't care as much anymore if I'm not. Don't worry I'm not rolling over. I'm not giving up. But I am letting go. Letting go of the life I never really wanted anyway. Letting go of the pain. Letting go of the sadness. Yeah it took seven months but hey I was trying to let go of 23 years. That's a huge thing.
I told him to come pick up everything on his list. He knows I want it all sold and for us to split the profit. But I'm not letting it eat me up inside anymore. I don't want the things. I don't want our life together. I just want to be free. And not letting go was holding me back from so much.
I can see my future and it can be the one I wanted. It will never be the one I had but maybe that's actually a good thing. I can start fresh in my new house. I can start fresh with a new person. My family dynamic may change. But maybe that's actually good for me and my kids (I was convinced it was terrible for us!). I see camping in the future and it isn't in a huge fifth wheel. But honestly I was always the one that wanted the tent camping. So maybe I'm getting what I want finally. I'm happy and it's because I can actually see what's coming and I am so in love with it. I was fighting for the wrong thing. So I let go. And it feels amazing.
Well I have started dating. In doing that I have come to realize that maybe the life we had wasn't so comfortable. It was just . . . blah. We didn't respect each other. We didn't worry about each other. We were married young and got into immature bad habits in our communication. Did I ever love him? I think so. Was he what I wanted for my future even when I was a little girl? No. Not at all. When I was little I wanted to be married to a man that could marry me in the temple. Oh how teenage years made me forget that.
That being said it wasn't all bad. Look at my beautiful girls. They are half him. They are amazing because they are who they are. And they are who they are because of both of us. We had good times. We had bad times. We had blah times.
But here I am now. All of the fighting over the last several months, what exactly was it for? It wasn't for possessions or even fairness. Honestly, it was for a life I was afraid to let go of. Not because of money or anything like that, but because it was what I knew. Change terrifies me. Was I happy? Definitely not. But I thought I was because it was what I knew. Not knowing what's next is scary.
For months before Jerame left I had gotten back into the church to find out for myself if it was true. I started wanting that temple marriage again and figuring I could maybe get Jerame there some day when he saw how happy the church was making me. He'd of course want that too right? Some pretty awesome things were happening and everything was making sense to me...except my marriage. I prayed every day for my marriage. It wasn't bad but I wanted it to be good. So I prayed that Jerame and I could "fix" our marriage. I prayed so hard. I was seeing answers to other prayers but this one was a work in progress.
Well then the day came, he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. But then at the front of my mind was this thought, "Oh no, is this the answer?" I wanted it fixed but fixed can mean so many things. I had prayed that we would figure things out with each other. Did that mean divorce? I wanted a temple marriage and honestly I wasn't convinced he would get me there. Was this the answer to my prayers. Of course that thought was pushed right out. No it was an answer but it was an answer in the form of a wake-up call. I was convinced this was the answer telling me I was neglecting my marriage. Ok then, I would change that. I would focus on him.
Well he didn't want that. He wanted someone else and with someone else comes a divorce. I fought tooth and nail. I wasn't going to let him go easily. He was going to see the mistake he made and I was going to make sure of it.
Through divorce proceedings, I also don't want to get taken advantage of, and he doesn't want to let material things go or buy me out of them. I want fair. I just want fair.
He asked me a week or so ago if he could come get some items from my house that he feels are his. Absolutely not I said! If he takes them then he will never be fair about the divorce. That's what I thought.
Crazy thing happened. I found someone. Finding someone made me realize that what I have always wanted is actually still possible after all the mistakes I have made in the past. I can have what I want and I can be treated so much better! And finding someone made me realize that I don't care. I just don't care. What was I really fighting over? Was it really money and possessions? Nope. It was fighting over letting go. I was afraid to let go. I thought that our life was the one I wanted. But now I realize the one I wanted when I was a little girl is the one I want now. Jerame will never get me to the temple. We weren't nice to each other. We just were. That's it. We existed. I don't want that life anymore. I don't care about pianos and four wheelers. I still want to be treated fairly in the divorce, don't get me wrong. But I guess I just don't care as much anymore if I'm not. Don't worry I'm not rolling over. I'm not giving up. But I am letting go. Letting go of the life I never really wanted anyway. Letting go of the pain. Letting go of the sadness. Yeah it took seven months but hey I was trying to let go of 23 years. That's a huge thing.
I told him to come pick up everything on his list. He knows I want it all sold and for us to split the profit. But I'm not letting it eat me up inside anymore. I don't want the things. I don't want our life together. I just want to be free. And not letting go was holding me back from so much.
I can see my future and it can be the one I wanted. It will never be the one I had but maybe that's actually a good thing. I can start fresh in my new house. I can start fresh with a new person. My family dynamic may change. But maybe that's actually good for me and my kids (I was convinced it was terrible for us!). I see camping in the future and it isn't in a huge fifth wheel. But honestly I was always the one that wanted the tent camping. So maybe I'm getting what I want finally. I'm happy and it's because I can actually see what's coming and I am so in love with it. I was fighting for the wrong thing. So I let go. And it feels amazing.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Limbo
Currently I am trying to (1) get a divorce, (2) have a relationship with my kids, (3) sell my house, and (4) find some stability. Unfortunately the stability doesn't come until 1, 2, and 3 are completed!
(1) Divorce - This is proving to be harder than I thought. Right now I feel like I am constantly being degraded and beat down. My parenting is being questioned by my husband and my kids. The funny thing is that I know all of them know I'm a good mom. Do I have emotions? Absolutely I do! And I show them. But honestly what is wrong with teaching your kids that those emotions are normal and ok and HEALTHY? Why does society think our emotions should be hidden?
My value is being questioned by my husband, my kids, and . . . yeah myself. I mean it isn't hard to see why my self esteem is so low. My husband left me for another woman. The exact kind of woman he always told me he didn't like. He always wanted me to be natural and wear minimal make-up. Honestly this woman wears about 6 inches of make-up and I'm pretty sure her face would crumble if slightly touched because it just might be made of powder. Fake hair, fake boobs, fake tan...totally fake. Nothing my husband ever wanted me to be. So yeah I feel like I wasn't good enough physically, my personality wasn't good enough, and my feelings weren't good enough. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. And if I though that before it is that ten times worse now. For instance, I texted Jerame to let him know that a company on a floor above my floor at work was going out of business and that they were giving away file cabinets if he needed any. What do you think his reply was? "No and don't text me anymore unless it's about the kids." Am I really nothing? Am I that insignificant that being nice is rewarded in that way? After 23 years and three kids he treats me as though I am nothing. He has to prove to his girlfriend that he is loyal to only her. Maybe that isn't a healthy girlfriend then. One that won't let you be civil to the mother of your children. That's great for our kids.
I am being told I don't deserve to live a comfortable life. I am lied to about how much he makes so he has to pay less child support. I am being lied to about money constantly. he has tried to sell my car out from under me several times. He thinks my car is too expensive when his truck costs more. I am not worthy of anything. And maybe he has me convinced.
(2) Having a Relationship with my Kids - Again this is a no brainer right? You'd think after everything I have done over the years for my family that this would be easy. It may actually be the hardest part of this process. My kids are broken. They are hurting. They are confused. They don't know who to please. I wish they knew it isn't their job to please anyone. They should just get to be kids. Unfortunately they are feeling emotions I can't even fathom. I always thought parenting was easy. It was with Lacey...I thought. But apparently everything I have done, every sacrifice I have made for my kids is not enough. Emma sang a song in church on Sunday for Mother's Day. It was beautiful and in it the tag line is "Mommy you're doing enough." All I could think was that that is not true in my case. Again everything I say and do is wrong. I can't do any right in their eyes. So I definitely am not doing enough. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally . . . exhausted. I can't win. I can't defend myself. I can't suggest anything. I have no money so it's their dad that is able to take them to do fun things. At my house we sit around and hope to scrounge up food. I'm boring.
(3) Selling the House - Ugh I hate this so much. First I love my house. None of my kids want to move out of it. I of course and the one being blamed for selling it even though I have to sell it because their dad left me. But it's my fault. Everything is my fault. I have to keep everything extra clean and work a full time job and be a mom to three kids. Again I am exhausted. I had a lot of showings the first week but no offers. The second week barely any showings. I can't get stable until I sell, know how much I will make, can find a new home, and know how much my monthly bills will total. None of that happens until I sell the house.
(4) Stability - I have trouble seeing this ever happening. I'm trying to do all of this alone. That's so hard. On top of everything I am having health issues that make me even more physically tired than usual. I can't be stable until all of the criteria above is met. It's been made clear that I am of no value to my kids or my husband. And maybe to my self either. I am constantly reminded of my short comings but never noticed for the good I do. I am under a microscope. It eventually wears on you. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to not cry.
I am being strong though. I have pushed through each wall that has been placed in my way so far. I keep saying I can't take any more and them another wall goes up showing me that I can. I don't want to but I can. I'm not strong by any means. This whole thing that has been going on for the last 7 months has broken me down. I've been shattered. I'm scared. But I seem to keep going, much to the chagrin of my husband and his trophy girlfriend.
(1) Divorce - This is proving to be harder than I thought. Right now I feel like I am constantly being degraded and beat down. My parenting is being questioned by my husband and my kids. The funny thing is that I know all of them know I'm a good mom. Do I have emotions? Absolutely I do! And I show them. But honestly what is wrong with teaching your kids that those emotions are normal and ok and HEALTHY? Why does society think our emotions should be hidden?
My value is being questioned by my husband, my kids, and . . . yeah myself. I mean it isn't hard to see why my self esteem is so low. My husband left me for another woman. The exact kind of woman he always told me he didn't like. He always wanted me to be natural and wear minimal make-up. Honestly this woman wears about 6 inches of make-up and I'm pretty sure her face would crumble if slightly touched because it just might be made of powder. Fake hair, fake boobs, fake tan...totally fake. Nothing my husband ever wanted me to be. So yeah I feel like I wasn't good enough physically, my personality wasn't good enough, and my feelings weren't good enough. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. And if I though that before it is that ten times worse now. For instance, I texted Jerame to let him know that a company on a floor above my floor at work was going out of business and that they were giving away file cabinets if he needed any. What do you think his reply was? "No and don't text me anymore unless it's about the kids." Am I really nothing? Am I that insignificant that being nice is rewarded in that way? After 23 years and three kids he treats me as though I am nothing. He has to prove to his girlfriend that he is loyal to only her. Maybe that isn't a healthy girlfriend then. One that won't let you be civil to the mother of your children. That's great for our kids.
I am being told I don't deserve to live a comfortable life. I am lied to about how much he makes so he has to pay less child support. I am being lied to about money constantly. he has tried to sell my car out from under me several times. He thinks my car is too expensive when his truck costs more. I am not worthy of anything. And maybe he has me convinced.
(2) Having a Relationship with my Kids - Again this is a no brainer right? You'd think after everything I have done over the years for my family that this would be easy. It may actually be the hardest part of this process. My kids are broken. They are hurting. They are confused. They don't know who to please. I wish they knew it isn't their job to please anyone. They should just get to be kids. Unfortunately they are feeling emotions I can't even fathom. I always thought parenting was easy. It was with Lacey...I thought. But apparently everything I have done, every sacrifice I have made for my kids is not enough. Emma sang a song in church on Sunday for Mother's Day. It was beautiful and in it the tag line is "Mommy you're doing enough." All I could think was that that is not true in my case. Again everything I say and do is wrong. I can't do any right in their eyes. So I definitely am not doing enough. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally . . . exhausted. I can't win. I can't defend myself. I can't suggest anything. I have no money so it's their dad that is able to take them to do fun things. At my house we sit around and hope to scrounge up food. I'm boring.
(3) Selling the House - Ugh I hate this so much. First I love my house. None of my kids want to move out of it. I of course and the one being blamed for selling it even though I have to sell it because their dad left me. But it's my fault. Everything is my fault. I have to keep everything extra clean and work a full time job and be a mom to three kids. Again I am exhausted. I had a lot of showings the first week but no offers. The second week barely any showings. I can't get stable until I sell, know how much I will make, can find a new home, and know how much my monthly bills will total. None of that happens until I sell the house.
(4) Stability - I have trouble seeing this ever happening. I'm trying to do all of this alone. That's so hard. On top of everything I am having health issues that make me even more physically tired than usual. I can't be stable until all of the criteria above is met. It's been made clear that I am of no value to my kids or my husband. And maybe to my self either. I am constantly reminded of my short comings but never noticed for the good I do. I am under a microscope. It eventually wears on you. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to not cry.
I am being strong though. I have pushed through each wall that has been placed in my way so far. I keep saying I can't take any more and them another wall goes up showing me that I can. I don't want to but I can. I'm not strong by any means. This whole thing that has been going on for the last 7 months has broken me down. I've been shattered. I'm scared. But I seem to keep going, much to the chagrin of my husband and his trophy girlfriend.
Friday, April 19, 2019
Sophia
Here's a story that doesn't exactly make me look good but here it is anyway. Sophie is not Jerame's child. I think most people know that. I don't hide that fact. But maybe a little less known is her story.
Jerame and I weren't in a good place. Our marriage was struggling. Like now, the main reason is because of the lack of maintenance on both sides. It takes two. I felt lonely. He always worked late. He never wanted to go out with me. For years Mother's Day wasn't anything big. When I would get upset he would tell me mater-of-factly that I wasn't his mother. This may be another reason my kids have little respect for me. They were never taught to appreciate their mother by their father. I know I wasn't great at showing appreciation either but I do feel like I showed more than he did. Anyway, I got some attention from someone else. It felt so good to be noticed and appreciated even though looking back now it sure wasn't what I thought it was at the time. I had an affair. This man was a married man and every part of me knew it was wrong. But I felt loved again. That's something I wasn't getting at home. This affair went on for a while, while Jerame and I were going through our first divorce. Some of it Jerame and I were living together and some of it we weren't. It was wrong and there is never an excuse for an affair. But there are reasons that it happened whether or not they are good reasons. I have regretted this for so long. I tore my family apart that time. It's one of the reasons I believe Lacey has such hard feelings for me still.
Anyway the month our divorce was final, July 2013, I ended up pregnant. I grew up in a very Mormon home and I was so panicked. I was sure everyone would disown me...my family, my friends. I called my sister Traci when I found out. But Traci wasn't the one that answered her phone. She was out at my parent's house and my dad was the one that answered her phone. Terrified of his response I told him I was pregnant and it wasn't Jerame's baby. You know what? He still loved me. He told me that he was there for me and the baby and that he loved me. I cried. My parents have always had my back.
But how would I tell my kids? Lacey was already very angry with me for the affair and the divorce. I didn't tell them at first. The first thing I did was try to repair a friendship with Jerame so there would be less tension in our family and for my pregnancy. I went to his house one night and he was folding clothes. I sat on his bed and told him we needed to figure out how to be friends for our kids' sake. He looked me right in the eye and asked me what was wrong. I had been acting strange he said. I told him I was fine. Then, still looking me in the eye he said, "are you pregnant?" He's always been the one to know me inside and out. He just knew. I started crying and he held me...for a long time.
For the next couple weeks every time I would get upset about something he was there. I would call him up and he would say he was on his way. He watched movies with me. He let me cry. This is what had been missing in our marriage. Our friendship. But it was back. And it felt good. I felt closer to him than I had in years. In January of 2014 Jerame decided to move back home. The kids were rightfully worried because they didn't want to go through a divorce again. Jerame told me honestly when he moved in that when the baby was born he may not stay. It was hard for him that this baby wasn't his baby. He wasn't there for all of the appointments or every time I needed an IV. It was understandably a hard situation for him. But he was there for me. He didn't like or want to feel her move inside me. But I understood.
Then it was time to tell my kids. I had them all gather in the living room, Lacey would only stand by the kitchen sink because she knew something was up. I was terrified. Lacey and I were already not in a great place. It had been getting better but now I was going to ruin it. I was pregnant, out of wedlock. I had raised my kids Mormon too so it wouldn't be a great thing to them. Finally I told the girls I was having a baby. Emma got excited but then realized everyone else was a little more serious. I was focused on Lacey. That's where my fear was. She looked right at me and said, "That's ok mom. Everyone makes mistakes. We will get through this together." I started crying. This amazing young woman deserved more credit than I gave her. All of the sudden Emma said, "Aly why are you crying?" I had been so focused on Lacey that I didn't even realize Aly, who was sitting on my lap, was in tears. She replied to Emma, "I wanted to be the baby forever!" Ok I could handle that. Later that night I called Jerame and told him I was worried Lacey was holding her anger in. He came and picked her up and took her for a drive. He asked her how she was feeling about the baby. She told him that she knew that she and I had been having a rough time lately but that she needed to fix it because I really needed her. She was 14.
The day, a Monday, Sophie was born I had gone to the doctor telling him I wanted induced because my daughter was being baptized that weekend and I didn't want to miss it. I still had 12 days until I was due. Because I had gestational diabetes there was a chance that Sophie's lungs weren't developed all the way so my doctor told me we had to do an amniocentesis to make sure her lungs were developed enough. So let me tell you...that scared the crap out of me! Who wants a giant needle being stuck into their stomach? But dang it I wanted the kid out! I was down in radiology and I was sweating! Light headed! The doctor came in and did the numbing shots and I will tell you I was worked up for nothing. That was the worst part. Once the big needle went in I couldn't even feel it! So ladies if you ever have to get one don't freak out like I did! It was easy!
Well her lungs were developed enough and my doctor said he would induce the next morning but he wanted to try a cervical balloon. What's that? Here you go if you want to know https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322956.php. Anyway it took my doctor quite a while to insert it, 45 minutes maybe? He said it may put me into labor that night and if it did to come back in when the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart. Lacey and my mom had been waiting in the waiting room for me.
We got in the car and I started driving us home. Before I even hit the freeway I was having contractions. I looked down and the gas tank was almost empty. I had planned on stopping to get gas on the way home but with the contractions I just wanted to get home. So I made a mental note to ask Jerame to go get gas when I got home. Then Lacey could tell I was holding my breath or something because she asked if I was having contractions. I told her I was. Lucky for me she had her permit so she made me pull over and let her drive us home.
We got home and Jerame and my dad were out fixing a fence in the backyard. I laid down and continued to have contractions. They were hard and close together. But I had two babies that took days to be born and I kept being sent home. Jerame and my parents were timing my contractions. they we re about 2 minutes apart. Finally at about midnight Jerame said we should go in anyway just to check. I agreed and got up to go to the bathroom first. As I stood up I felt a rush of fluid. Hey I think my water broke. this was good because I knew that going into the hospital they wouldn't send me home if my water broke. I went in the bathroom to clean up before we left. Now it gets graphic so beware. I pulled down my pants and all I saw was blood. A LOT of blood. I screamed for Jerame and he came running to the bathroom. He screamed, "What is hanging out between your legs?" Ok so I had totally forgotten the cervical balloon. The tubes dangle out of your baby exit so that the balloon can be either filled or emptied, and of course they're also covered in blood. I'm screaming at Jerame not to worry about it and that I was worried about the blood. He wa screaming asking if he should pull on it. It would have been quite comedic if it hadn't been for the fact that I knew blood in labor wasn't a good sign.
Well now we're in a rush! I have never had to rush to the hospital before so this was new to me. We head down the hall to the car and pass my mom, who was supposed to go to the hospital with us, headed the other way to the bathroom. We get to the garage and Jerame asks where my mom was and I told him I think she went to the bathroom. It's funny because we both thought we were loud enough that she knew we were in a hurry! Maybe we weren't? SO my dad runs down the hall and knocks on the bathroom door to tell my mom we are about to leave without her. She comes out of the bathroom and hurries to the garage. Jerame, Mom, Lacey and I are headed to the hospital. My dad is staying behind to wake the other two girls up and take them to the hospital.
So we all get in the car and start backin gout and Jerame looks down at the gas gage and says, "Who was going to tell me we are out of gas?" It was so low it wouldn't even register. Well we left anyway and hoped we'd get all the way to the hospital knowing that if we didn't my dad was right behind us. We made it though! We got to the hospital and went to labor and delivery. I told the nurse I was bleeding a lot. She checked me and I was 4 centimeters. I got settled. I wasn't going to be sent home this time! Then a little while later a doctor came in to check me and as soon as he pulled back the covers and saw all the blood he looked worried. the nurse whispered to him, loud enough that I could hear, that I had been bleeding since I came in. So obviously I realize this could be a problem. Nobody said anything to me about why I was bleeding and it never did cause any problems. So I guess it must have been the cervical balloon.
One of my most prideful moments as a mother came when I told Lacey, during labor, to do drugs. I did elaborate not to do the ones that aren't in a hospital.
There was one problem though, Sophie was turned sideways so she wouldn't drop down into the birth canal. My doctor kept coming in and saying he thought I would have had her by now. Well then he used me as a learning experience and taught a medical student how to turn a baby. Lacey later told me that she was amazed to see three arms up to the elbow inside me. Although she did lean over to me after Sophie was born and ask me if that went back to normal or if it stayed that way. Jerame was nice enough to tell her that if it didn't go back there'd only be one kid. Sophie was being stubborn and not wanting to turn. I heard the nurse asking if the doctor she needed to get things ready for a C-section. He told her not yet. Finally, after quite a bit of trying, they were able to get Sophie to turn and minutes after that she was born. My mom, Lacey, Emma, and Jerame were all in the room when this moment happened. Jerame wasn't by my side like he had been with the others but he was in the room watching. My dad brought Aly in to meet Sophia. Aly took one look at her and said, "I'm already in love with her." So that problem was fixed!
Later that day I was holding Sophie but had to go to the bathroom. I went to hand her to Jerame and said, "Go see...." and paused because I didn't know what she should call him. He took her from me and said, "Dad...I'm just dad." And he was from that moment on. He didn't leave after she was born. With all the custody crap we went through he was by my side. At least he made me think he was. At least I thought we were better. Sophie brought us all back together in the strangest way. She saved our family.
The sad part in this whole story is that Sophie is the one that loses the most. Because of his manipulation of my children, I won't allow him to have Sophie over night or for any period of time at all without me present. I don't want her around the people he has in his life, especially his girlfriend that would stop at nothing to turn my kids against me. I will not put Sophie in that situation and he refuses to make any sacrifices to be able to have her in his life. He chose his new life over Sophie. Of course he blames me for it. It kills me. He doesn't even try calling her or seeing her (which he could do with me present but refuses). Lacey also doesn't call Sophie or try to see her at all. These two very important people in her life have left her. Because I am part of Sophie's package everyone has decided she isn't worth having to see or talk to me. Her other two sisters are at their dad's house half of the time so she has actually lost a lot of them too. She loses. More than me. More than Jerame. More than her sisters. She loses. It kills me. She didn't ask for the situation she was born into nor the one she is living right now. I put her in both situations and for that I am so sorry to her.
Jerame and I weren't in a good place. Our marriage was struggling. Like now, the main reason is because of the lack of maintenance on both sides. It takes two. I felt lonely. He always worked late. He never wanted to go out with me. For years Mother's Day wasn't anything big. When I would get upset he would tell me mater-of-factly that I wasn't his mother. This may be another reason my kids have little respect for me. They were never taught to appreciate their mother by their father. I know I wasn't great at showing appreciation either but I do feel like I showed more than he did. Anyway, I got some attention from someone else. It felt so good to be noticed and appreciated even though looking back now it sure wasn't what I thought it was at the time. I had an affair. This man was a married man and every part of me knew it was wrong. But I felt loved again. That's something I wasn't getting at home. This affair went on for a while, while Jerame and I were going through our first divorce. Some of it Jerame and I were living together and some of it we weren't. It was wrong and there is never an excuse for an affair. But there are reasons that it happened whether or not they are good reasons. I have regretted this for so long. I tore my family apart that time. It's one of the reasons I believe Lacey has such hard feelings for me still.
Anyway the month our divorce was final, July 2013, I ended up pregnant. I grew up in a very Mormon home and I was so panicked. I was sure everyone would disown me...my family, my friends. I called my sister Traci when I found out. But Traci wasn't the one that answered her phone. She was out at my parent's house and my dad was the one that answered her phone. Terrified of his response I told him I was pregnant and it wasn't Jerame's baby. You know what? He still loved me. He told me that he was there for me and the baby and that he loved me. I cried. My parents have always had my back.
But how would I tell my kids? Lacey was already very angry with me for the affair and the divorce. I didn't tell them at first. The first thing I did was try to repair a friendship with Jerame so there would be less tension in our family and for my pregnancy. I went to his house one night and he was folding clothes. I sat on his bed and told him we needed to figure out how to be friends for our kids' sake. He looked me right in the eye and asked me what was wrong. I had been acting strange he said. I told him I was fine. Then, still looking me in the eye he said, "are you pregnant?" He's always been the one to know me inside and out. He just knew. I started crying and he held me...for a long time.
For the next couple weeks every time I would get upset about something he was there. I would call him up and he would say he was on his way. He watched movies with me. He let me cry. This is what had been missing in our marriage. Our friendship. But it was back. And it felt good. I felt closer to him than I had in years. In January of 2014 Jerame decided to move back home. The kids were rightfully worried because they didn't want to go through a divorce again. Jerame told me honestly when he moved in that when the baby was born he may not stay. It was hard for him that this baby wasn't his baby. He wasn't there for all of the appointments or every time I needed an IV. It was understandably a hard situation for him. But he was there for me. He didn't like or want to feel her move inside me. But I understood.
Then it was time to tell my kids. I had them all gather in the living room, Lacey would only stand by the kitchen sink because she knew something was up. I was terrified. Lacey and I were already not in a great place. It had been getting better but now I was going to ruin it. I was pregnant, out of wedlock. I had raised my kids Mormon too so it wouldn't be a great thing to them. Finally I told the girls I was having a baby. Emma got excited but then realized everyone else was a little more serious. I was focused on Lacey. That's where my fear was. She looked right at me and said, "That's ok mom. Everyone makes mistakes. We will get through this together." I started crying. This amazing young woman deserved more credit than I gave her. All of the sudden Emma said, "Aly why are you crying?" I had been so focused on Lacey that I didn't even realize Aly, who was sitting on my lap, was in tears. She replied to Emma, "I wanted to be the baby forever!" Ok I could handle that. Later that night I called Jerame and told him I was worried Lacey was holding her anger in. He came and picked her up and took her for a drive. He asked her how she was feeling about the baby. She told him that she knew that she and I had been having a rough time lately but that she needed to fix it because I really needed her. She was 14.
The day, a Monday, Sophie was born I had gone to the doctor telling him I wanted induced because my daughter was being baptized that weekend and I didn't want to miss it. I still had 12 days until I was due. Because I had gestational diabetes there was a chance that Sophie's lungs weren't developed all the way so my doctor told me we had to do an amniocentesis to make sure her lungs were developed enough. So let me tell you...that scared the crap out of me! Who wants a giant needle being stuck into their stomach? But dang it I wanted the kid out! I was down in radiology and I was sweating! Light headed! The doctor came in and did the numbing shots and I will tell you I was worked up for nothing. That was the worst part. Once the big needle went in I couldn't even feel it! So ladies if you ever have to get one don't freak out like I did! It was easy!
Well her lungs were developed enough and my doctor said he would induce the next morning but he wanted to try a cervical balloon. What's that? Here you go if you want to know https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322956.php. Anyway it took my doctor quite a while to insert it, 45 minutes maybe? He said it may put me into labor that night and if it did to come back in when the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart. Lacey and my mom had been waiting in the waiting room for me.
We got in the car and I started driving us home. Before I even hit the freeway I was having contractions. I looked down and the gas tank was almost empty. I had planned on stopping to get gas on the way home but with the contractions I just wanted to get home. So I made a mental note to ask Jerame to go get gas when I got home. Then Lacey could tell I was holding my breath or something because she asked if I was having contractions. I told her I was. Lucky for me she had her permit so she made me pull over and let her drive us home.
We got home and Jerame and my dad were out fixing a fence in the backyard. I laid down and continued to have contractions. They were hard and close together. But I had two babies that took days to be born and I kept being sent home. Jerame and my parents were timing my contractions. they we re about 2 minutes apart. Finally at about midnight Jerame said we should go in anyway just to check. I agreed and got up to go to the bathroom first. As I stood up I felt a rush of fluid. Hey I think my water broke. this was good because I knew that going into the hospital they wouldn't send me home if my water broke. I went in the bathroom to clean up before we left. Now it gets graphic so beware. I pulled down my pants and all I saw was blood. A LOT of blood. I screamed for Jerame and he came running to the bathroom. He screamed, "What is hanging out between your legs?" Ok so I had totally forgotten the cervical balloon. The tubes dangle out of your baby exit so that the balloon can be either filled or emptied, and of course they're also covered in blood. I'm screaming at Jerame not to worry about it and that I was worried about the blood. He wa screaming asking if he should pull on it. It would have been quite comedic if it hadn't been for the fact that I knew blood in labor wasn't a good sign.
Well now we're in a rush! I have never had to rush to the hospital before so this was new to me. We head down the hall to the car and pass my mom, who was supposed to go to the hospital with us, headed the other way to the bathroom. We get to the garage and Jerame asks where my mom was and I told him I think she went to the bathroom. It's funny because we both thought we were loud enough that she knew we were in a hurry! Maybe we weren't? SO my dad runs down the hall and knocks on the bathroom door to tell my mom we are about to leave without her. She comes out of the bathroom and hurries to the garage. Jerame, Mom, Lacey and I are headed to the hospital. My dad is staying behind to wake the other two girls up and take them to the hospital.
So we all get in the car and start backin gout and Jerame looks down at the gas gage and says, "Who was going to tell me we are out of gas?" It was so low it wouldn't even register. Well we left anyway and hoped we'd get all the way to the hospital knowing that if we didn't my dad was right behind us. We made it though! We got to the hospital and went to labor and delivery. I told the nurse I was bleeding a lot. She checked me and I was 4 centimeters. I got settled. I wasn't going to be sent home this time! Then a little while later a doctor came in to check me and as soon as he pulled back the covers and saw all the blood he looked worried. the nurse whispered to him, loud enough that I could hear, that I had been bleeding since I came in. So obviously I realize this could be a problem. Nobody said anything to me about why I was bleeding and it never did cause any problems. So I guess it must have been the cervical balloon.
One of my most prideful moments as a mother came when I told Lacey, during labor, to do drugs. I did elaborate not to do the ones that aren't in a hospital.
There was one problem though, Sophie was turned sideways so she wouldn't drop down into the birth canal. My doctor kept coming in and saying he thought I would have had her by now. Well then he used me as a learning experience and taught a medical student how to turn a baby. Lacey later told me that she was amazed to see three arms up to the elbow inside me. Although she did lean over to me after Sophie was born and ask me if that went back to normal or if it stayed that way. Jerame was nice enough to tell her that if it didn't go back there'd only be one kid. Sophie was being stubborn and not wanting to turn. I heard the nurse asking if the doctor she needed to get things ready for a C-section. He told her not yet. Finally, after quite a bit of trying, they were able to get Sophie to turn and minutes after that she was born. My mom, Lacey, Emma, and Jerame were all in the room when this moment happened. Jerame wasn't by my side like he had been with the others but he was in the room watching. My dad brought Aly in to meet Sophia. Aly took one look at her and said, "I'm already in love with her." So that problem was fixed!
Later that day I was holding Sophie but had to go to the bathroom. I went to hand her to Jerame and said, "Go see...." and paused because I didn't know what she should call him. He took her from me and said, "Dad...I'm just dad." And he was from that moment on. He didn't leave after she was born. With all the custody crap we went through he was by my side. At least he made me think he was. At least I thought we were better. Sophie brought us all back together in the strangest way. She saved our family.
The sad part in this whole story is that Sophie is the one that loses the most. Because of his manipulation of my children, I won't allow him to have Sophie over night or for any period of time at all without me present. I don't want her around the people he has in his life, especially his girlfriend that would stop at nothing to turn my kids against me. I will not put Sophie in that situation and he refuses to make any sacrifices to be able to have her in his life. He chose his new life over Sophie. Of course he blames me for it. It kills me. He doesn't even try calling her or seeing her (which he could do with me present but refuses). Lacey also doesn't call Sophie or try to see her at all. These two very important people in her life have left her. Because I am part of Sophie's package everyone has decided she isn't worth having to see or talk to me. Her other two sisters are at their dad's house half of the time so she has actually lost a lot of them too. She loses. More than me. More than Jerame. More than her sisters. She loses. It kills me. She didn't ask for the situation she was born into nor the one she is living right now. I put her in both situations and for that I am so sorry to her.
Trying to Make Sense
I’m the bad guy. The one that has always been there for my kids. Yep I’m the bad guy. I’m not supposed to have emotion. I can’t punish my kids. I’m not allowed to talk to my kids. I’m not allowed to have feelings.
I was the one that volunteered in classrooms. I was the one that signed them up for every activity they ever did. I was the one that potty trained them. Took them to every doctor’s appointment. Every dentist appointment. To the orthodontist. To the eye doctor. I planned every birthday party and trust me I never did small. I planned every vacation. I volunteered at the place Lacey did theater because she loved it and we couldn’t pay for it.
When Lacey won her way to London for cheer I was the one that made it happen. Yes there was a lot of bugging Jerame for money to pay for it. Same with Emma and the American Heritage Tour. I’m the one that found a tutor when Emma and Aly we’re struggling with math. I check their grades and keep track of missing assignments. I was the one that hurt when my kids hurt because someone was mean to them at school. Probably more than they hurt. I was the one Lacey cried to when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.
Bonfires when Lacey was a teenager, I’m the one that supervised while Jerame sat his ass on the couch watching TV. Like he ALWAYS did! Even when we had company. I did the entertaining. On weekends I would always say "let’s go do something" and he would always say he didn’t want to and...yep...sit in front of the TV.
Love of scary movies...Lacey got that from me. Love of history, every one of my kids got it from me. Love of reading...me! Parent teacher conferences...me. Midnight movies...me. Backyard camp outs...me.
So why then is everyone on their dad’s side? One reason is because I have emotions. I was upset when he left me for another woman and I definitely showed my feelings. So he tells them I’m crazy for having feelings. I admit I have lost my temper and displayed my emotions too many times in front of the kids. I am at fault for that. What people, and especially my kids, don't see is what caused the situation to happen in the first place. It's usually his arrogance and superiority complex. I have asked this mam to sit down with me and have a real discussion since he left me. He refuses. I feel like I deserve an explanation. I feel like I deserve the chance to voice my opinion and have it matter. So when he dismisses me like I was never anything to him at all with his "goodbye Kelli" or hanging up on me I feel like my feelings have been knocked down once again. Like I don't matter. Maybe I never really did to him. So yes all of these emotions (anger, fear, hurt) all collide. I have been much better about letting him hurt me and showing it in the last few months.
Lacey has told me that she doesn't want to be in the middle of the divorce. Why then is she in the middle? She is telling her sisters bad things about me to influence their feelings for me. I actually considered getting a restraining order against her for the girls until this divorce is final. She has so blatantly taken her dad's side that she is trying to hurt my relationship with all of my children. She texts them that she doesn't like me. Plans meeting with them behind my back. She has bad-mouthed me with her father, sometimes in front of my other kids, all while telling me she doesn't want to hear what I have to say because she doesn't want to be in the middle.Treats me awful in front of them. The part that hurts the most is the work she is doing for her dad. For instance she has hacked into my Facebook account and opened all of my private messages, taken pictures, and sent those pictures to her father to be used against me (btw I'm not worried about anything in them). She has encouraged the girls to track my phone and even taught them how to do it. She has told her father not to talk to me when I'm hurting.
The worst is that she has written a letter for him to use in Court stating how awful of a mother I was. A few years ago when I was working full time she told me how sad she was for Emma and Aly because they won't get the great childhood she had because I was working. When I saw this letter, I was devastated, defeated. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I have done nothing but be a mom for 20 years. And I have been a good mom. I know I have! I texted her to remind her of all of the things I have done for her. Her reply was that she didn't forget any of the things I did good she just didn't put them in the letter because she wanted me to get "help". Her dad has convinced her she is helping me by writing this letter. The ridiculous part is that when she wrote it I had already been in therapy for a while. Her letter was unnecessary. But she still wrote it. He has convinced her that he wants to help me. All of his court filings and paper work and comments and actions show much differently.
That brings me to my other theory why I believe my kids are taking his side. First, Lacey has always been a daddy's girl. I have always been the disciplinarian. Partly because he worked all hours of the day 7 days a week. Partly because when he was home he couldn't be torn from the TV. Jerame was an amazing dad to Lacey. He was so involved with her. He would have been fine with having only her. So yes they are close. Although I thought Lacey and I were close too. Once Emma and then Aly came he was much less involved. He was home even less. And when he was home he rarely interacted with the kids except to tell them to be quiet or go in another room because he was watching tv. When Sophie came, I think he was set on everyone knowing he was an amazing person for being her father even though she wasn't his that he over-did it for Sophie. Lacey and Emma didn't get along when Lacey lived at home. Lacey was close to Aly but Emma always got left out. These very impressionable girls, Emma and Aly, are thrilled to be getting attention from their older sister and their father. I have always been there. When they hurt I am there to comfort. When they need help I am there to help. When they get mad at me I am always right there when they need me anyway no matter what they say to hurt me. I can't say the same for their father. He was always too busy. So now that they have his attention and Lacey's they love the way that feels. Who wouldn't? So it's easy, knowing I will never go away, to be hurtful to me in order to keep the attention of their sister and father. It breaks my heart. But they're right, I will always be here waiting for them. Even Lacey.
I was the one that volunteered in classrooms. I was the one that signed them up for every activity they ever did. I was the one that potty trained them. Took them to every doctor’s appointment. Every dentist appointment. To the orthodontist. To the eye doctor. I planned every birthday party and trust me I never did small. I planned every vacation. I volunteered at the place Lacey did theater because she loved it and we couldn’t pay for it.
When Lacey won her way to London for cheer I was the one that made it happen. Yes there was a lot of bugging Jerame for money to pay for it. Same with Emma and the American Heritage Tour. I’m the one that found a tutor when Emma and Aly we’re struggling with math. I check their grades and keep track of missing assignments. I was the one that hurt when my kids hurt because someone was mean to them at school. Probably more than they hurt. I was the one Lacey cried to when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.
Bonfires when Lacey was a teenager, I’m the one that supervised while Jerame sat his ass on the couch watching TV. Like he ALWAYS did! Even when we had company. I did the entertaining. On weekends I would always say "let’s go do something" and he would always say he didn’t want to and...yep...sit in front of the TV.
Love of scary movies...Lacey got that from me. Love of history, every one of my kids got it from me. Love of reading...me! Parent teacher conferences...me. Midnight movies...me. Backyard camp outs...me.
So why then is everyone on their dad’s side? One reason is because I have emotions. I was upset when he left me for another woman and I definitely showed my feelings. So he tells them I’m crazy for having feelings. I admit I have lost my temper and displayed my emotions too many times in front of the kids. I am at fault for that. What people, and especially my kids, don't see is what caused the situation to happen in the first place. It's usually his arrogance and superiority complex. I have asked this mam to sit down with me and have a real discussion since he left me. He refuses. I feel like I deserve an explanation. I feel like I deserve the chance to voice my opinion and have it matter. So when he dismisses me like I was never anything to him at all with his "goodbye Kelli" or hanging up on me I feel like my feelings have been knocked down once again. Like I don't matter. Maybe I never really did to him. So yes all of these emotions (anger, fear, hurt) all collide. I have been much better about letting him hurt me and showing it in the last few months.
Lacey has told me that she doesn't want to be in the middle of the divorce. Why then is she in the middle? She is telling her sisters bad things about me to influence their feelings for me. I actually considered getting a restraining order against her for the girls until this divorce is final. She has so blatantly taken her dad's side that she is trying to hurt my relationship with all of my children. She texts them that she doesn't like me. Plans meeting with them behind my back. She has bad-mouthed me with her father, sometimes in front of my other kids, all while telling me she doesn't want to hear what I have to say because she doesn't want to be in the middle.Treats me awful in front of them. The part that hurts the most is the work she is doing for her dad. For instance she has hacked into my Facebook account and opened all of my private messages, taken pictures, and sent those pictures to her father to be used against me (btw I'm not worried about anything in them). She has encouraged the girls to track my phone and even taught them how to do it. She has told her father not to talk to me when I'm hurting.
The worst is that she has written a letter for him to use in Court stating how awful of a mother I was. A few years ago when I was working full time she told me how sad she was for Emma and Aly because they won't get the great childhood she had because I was working. When I saw this letter, I was devastated, defeated. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I have done nothing but be a mom for 20 years. And I have been a good mom. I know I have! I texted her to remind her of all of the things I have done for her. Her reply was that she didn't forget any of the things I did good she just didn't put them in the letter because she wanted me to get "help". Her dad has convinced her she is helping me by writing this letter. The ridiculous part is that when she wrote it I had already been in therapy for a while. Her letter was unnecessary. But she still wrote it. He has convinced her that he wants to help me. All of his court filings and paper work and comments and actions show much differently.
That brings me to my other theory why I believe my kids are taking his side. First, Lacey has always been a daddy's girl. I have always been the disciplinarian. Partly because he worked all hours of the day 7 days a week. Partly because when he was home he couldn't be torn from the TV. Jerame was an amazing dad to Lacey. He was so involved with her. He would have been fine with having only her. So yes they are close. Although I thought Lacey and I were close too. Once Emma and then Aly came he was much less involved. He was home even less. And when he was home he rarely interacted with the kids except to tell them to be quiet or go in another room because he was watching tv. When Sophie came, I think he was set on everyone knowing he was an amazing person for being her father even though she wasn't his that he over-did it for Sophie. Lacey and Emma didn't get along when Lacey lived at home. Lacey was close to Aly but Emma always got left out. These very impressionable girls, Emma and Aly, are thrilled to be getting attention from their older sister and their father. I have always been there. When they hurt I am there to comfort. When they need help I am there to help. When they get mad at me I am always right there when they need me anyway no matter what they say to hurt me. I can't say the same for their father. He was always too busy. So now that they have his attention and Lacey's they love the way that feels. Who wouldn't? So it's easy, knowing I will never go away, to be hurtful to me in order to keep the attention of their sister and father. It breaks my heart. But they're right, I will always be here waiting for them. Even Lacey.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Gratitude
Grateful
I’m finding a lot to be grateful for lately. Maybe because I’m looking for the good in my life a little bit more than I have in the last couple months. I have to admit that my sister Traci and I are very tempted in the month of November to delete all social media because of all of the “grateful” posts. Haha. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see the importance of gratitude and taking the time to see the good in life. The last couple months I have been focused on how unfair life is being to me that I haven’t stopped to see how absolutely beautiful my life really is. Sure I’m single and I feel like I will be single for the rest of my life. But that’s not all that life is about. So in this post I plan on listing what I’m grateful for.
The most important part of my life, and has been for 20 years, are my kids. I really am a lucky mama. They are all so smart and talented. Every single one of them is amazing. I’ve enjoyed watching them grow into beautiful young women. And I’m grateful that I’ve been a part of their lives.l and they’ve been a part of mine.
I have a beautiful house and a decent amount of equity in it to start my new life. Without the equity I am not too sure how I would be able to start fresh. But I’ve got a cushion so I can do this.
I’m even grateful for my ex-husband. He was a great provider. We never wanted for anything. We were taken care of. He and I were able to get ourselves to where we are today and I don’t think either of us is very bad shape.
I’m grateful for my family. Honestly I have parents that love me unconditionally. And I have definitely tested them even as an adult. But they are always there. They somehow always seem to know when I need them. My siblings are also amazing. Every one of them supports me and I even think they feel my pain when I’m hurting. I just wish I lived closer to all of them!
My friends. My friends are amazing. I always have someone to call if I need something and there is always someone there to help. They love me and my kids like family. My family being so far away is hard but having the amazing friends makes it much more bearable.
It may be hard to pay for food right now but so far my kids and I haven’t gone hungry. So I’m grateful for having enough resources to feed us.
I love my job. I have loved it since I started it 7 years ago. I love my boss. I love my work. I love that it makes me think.
I love my church. The people I go to church with are like family. I love the way I feel when I’m there. I love being able to work with the young women and I love the people I serve with.
I’m grateful for the experiences I have had in my life. Each one has changed me. Some not for the better at the time but over all I think I have become a pretty good person.
Hope this one didn’t make you crazy Traci since it is so much of a “grateful” post! But I felt like I needed to remind myself and acknowledge my gratitude. This way when I’m having a bad day I can look back at this post and remind myself that I actually have it pretty good.
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Taking Back Control
I will be the first to admit that this separation and divorce have been really hard on me. I didn't see it coming. I completely lost control over my emotions, life, family. At first I couldn't go a day without crying. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to breathe because it hurt. I was devastated . . . shattered.
I had no idea how I was going to support myself, I only worked 2 days per week (at Jerame's suggestion, I might add, so Sophie wouldn't have to be in daycare full time). I have an Associate's Degree in paralegal studies and I love my job but to be honest I make less than a teacher when I'm full time. I wanted to get a bachelor's degree and then go on to law school but Jerame said no because he didn't like when I went to school because I was too busy and there was no law school in Pocatello and we had to stay in Pocatello for our businesses. I gave up my opportunities and future for what I thought was our future in the businesses. To make him successful. Jerame had bought a car for me that I couldn't afford the payment or the gas for. I couldn't afford my house. I brought home $800 per month if I was lucky. I felt like he set me up to fail. How was I going to support myself and my children?
When Jerame first left he told me that he would pay the house payment, car payment, medical and car insurance, and cell phone for me. He even had a settlement agreement drawn up that had most of those things listed. But first I have to tell another story:
In January I connected with an old friend who became a very supportive and helpful friend. I had no self confidence when Jerame left. I just knew I'd be alone forever. I felt old, fat, ugly. Who would want me? This friend helped me get my self confidence back. I didn't feel ugly anymore at least. We talked on the phone and texted. I went to visit him in Washington for a weekend. That weekend was amazing. I had someone open doors for me and make me feel special. I felt like someone finally cared about my feelings and my emotional health. He's going through some stuff in his life right now too so I feel like we can be there for each other. No it didn't turn into this amazing love story. It is what it is, a good friendship. But it was a nice weekend, I got a break from all the crap at home.
Well when Jerame found out I was talking to another man he flipped. He decided that he would no longer pay any of those things. He cut me off from our money. He decided all he would now give me is $500 per month in child support and I was on my own to make my way. In our divorce decree from 2013 (yes we have been divorced and remarried) I was awarded the house. I had to make sure to refinance it into my name only or sell it within six months I think. Well before that 6 months was over Jerame was living back with me. The business never got my name off of it and the house never got his name off of it. So now he is saying it's past the six months so I have to sell it. It doesn't matter that this is his kids' home. I have to sell it.
Now to the take charge part. I have realized that I can't afford my house. I can't afford the sometimes $400-$500 power bill each month. I can't take care of 3 1/2 acres by myself. I called a couple realtors and had them come by and give me some numbers and such. I know what I need to do. I am going to start getting the house ready to sell. I should have a decent amount to put down on a down payment for a downgrade, I really don't need 3800 square feet!
I talked to my boss about more hours and am this week starting my full time hours back. This will more than double my income.
I got an alarm system and changed my locks. I feel much safer now as a single mom in the middle of nowhere.
I arranged for full time daycare for Sophia. This I hate and have trouble finding the silver lining in. The guilt about this is ridiculous. I cancelled Sophie's preschool since I can't (1) get her to and from every Tuesday and Thursday anymore because of work, (2) her daycare has a preschool curriculum which she will now be there for every day, and (3) it saves me $65 per month.
I have deleted people that were my friends on Facebook to just spy for Jerame or to post things just to hurt me, including my husband. As far as I know he doesn't get on Facebook but he gets tagged in posts that are just hurtful to me. I don't need that garbage in my life.
My power bill was $800 behind. I found an organization here in town and they caught my power bill up. Still not completely on board with the food stamps thing . . . maybe I will soften if I still can't make ends meet after going full time.
In court Jerame agreed to keep paying my house payment and car payment, I agreed to pay everything else.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of months and am feeling pretty good about where I'm at emotionally. I feel better about myself. Jerame had almost convinced me that everything was my fault and that I was crazy for my emotions. I'm happy to report that that is not what my therapist concludes.
I am trying to focus on my kids. I need to take my focus away from my failed marriage. And I really need to work on being a good mom right now. They need me.
I am far from perfect. I still have my bad days. I still get moody. I still feel lonely. Last night I cried after everyone was asleep. I needed it. I hadn't done it in a while. I am finding the silver lining in things where at first I couldn't see it. I am taking back control of my life.
I had no idea how I was going to support myself, I only worked 2 days per week (at Jerame's suggestion, I might add, so Sophie wouldn't have to be in daycare full time). I have an Associate's Degree in paralegal studies and I love my job but to be honest I make less than a teacher when I'm full time. I wanted to get a bachelor's degree and then go on to law school but Jerame said no because he didn't like when I went to school because I was too busy and there was no law school in Pocatello and we had to stay in Pocatello for our businesses. I gave up my opportunities and future for what I thought was our future in the businesses. To make him successful. Jerame had bought a car for me that I couldn't afford the payment or the gas for. I couldn't afford my house. I brought home $800 per month if I was lucky. I felt like he set me up to fail. How was I going to support myself and my children?
When Jerame first left he told me that he would pay the house payment, car payment, medical and car insurance, and cell phone for me. He even had a settlement agreement drawn up that had most of those things listed. But first I have to tell another story:
In January I connected with an old friend who became a very supportive and helpful friend. I had no self confidence when Jerame left. I just knew I'd be alone forever. I felt old, fat, ugly. Who would want me? This friend helped me get my self confidence back. I didn't feel ugly anymore at least. We talked on the phone and texted. I went to visit him in Washington for a weekend. That weekend was amazing. I had someone open doors for me and make me feel special. I felt like someone finally cared about my feelings and my emotional health. He's going through some stuff in his life right now too so I feel like we can be there for each other. No it didn't turn into this amazing love story. It is what it is, a good friendship. But it was a nice weekend, I got a break from all the crap at home.
Well when Jerame found out I was talking to another man he flipped. He decided that he would no longer pay any of those things. He cut me off from our money. He decided all he would now give me is $500 per month in child support and I was on my own to make my way. In our divorce decree from 2013 (yes we have been divorced and remarried) I was awarded the house. I had to make sure to refinance it into my name only or sell it within six months I think. Well before that 6 months was over Jerame was living back with me. The business never got my name off of it and the house never got his name off of it. So now he is saying it's past the six months so I have to sell it. It doesn't matter that this is his kids' home. I have to sell it.
Now to the take charge part. I have realized that I can't afford my house. I can't afford the sometimes $400-$500 power bill each month. I can't take care of 3 1/2 acres by myself. I called a couple realtors and had them come by and give me some numbers and such. I know what I need to do. I am going to start getting the house ready to sell. I should have a decent amount to put down on a down payment for a downgrade, I really don't need 3800 square feet!
I talked to my boss about more hours and am this week starting my full time hours back. This will more than double my income.
I got an alarm system and changed my locks. I feel much safer now as a single mom in the middle of nowhere.
I arranged for full time daycare for Sophia. This I hate and have trouble finding the silver lining in. The guilt about this is ridiculous. I cancelled Sophie's preschool since I can't (1) get her to and from every Tuesday and Thursday anymore because of work, (2) her daycare has a preschool curriculum which she will now be there for every day, and (3) it saves me $65 per month.
I have deleted people that were my friends on Facebook to just spy for Jerame or to post things just to hurt me, including my husband. As far as I know he doesn't get on Facebook but he gets tagged in posts that are just hurtful to me. I don't need that garbage in my life.
My power bill was $800 behind. I found an organization here in town and they caught my power bill up. Still not completely on board with the food stamps thing . . . maybe I will soften if I still can't make ends meet after going full time.
In court Jerame agreed to keep paying my house payment and car payment, I agreed to pay everything else.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of months and am feeling pretty good about where I'm at emotionally. I feel better about myself. Jerame had almost convinced me that everything was my fault and that I was crazy for my emotions. I'm happy to report that that is not what my therapist concludes.
I am trying to focus on my kids. I need to take my focus away from my failed marriage. And I really need to work on being a good mom right now. They need me.
I am far from perfect. I still have my bad days. I still get moody. I still feel lonely. Last night I cried after everyone was asleep. I needed it. I hadn't done it in a while. I am finding the silver lining in things where at first I couldn't see it. I am taking back control of my life.
Alyson
With all the work we went through to get Emma we really didn’t expect to have any more kids. Well in August of 2003 I missed my period. We hadn’t even been trying which for Jerame and I was a whole new experience. I was a stay at home mom. Lacey, Emma, and I drove to Winco and I bought a pregnancy test. I took the girls into the bathroom in Winco with me and I peed on the stick. Well you have to wait a few minutes before you know if it’s positive and my kids were definitely not loving being in the bathroom so we went out to the car. I was buckling Emma into her car seat and looked down at the stick still in my hand and saw one line perfectly and just the faintest of the second line. Of course I didn’t believe it could happen this easily for me so I showed it to Lacey and asked her how many lines she saw. She said she saw two lines. No way!!! I had resigned myself to not having any more kids because I knew Jerame wouldn’t go for fertility again. Now Emma was only one year and 4 months old and I was actually pregnant again! I showed it to little Emma who I must have gotten something chocolate for in the store and said, “Emma there’s two lines!” She put her little finger on the lines and left a chocolate smudge.
I sure wasn’t waiting until Jerame got home to tell him and I didn’t want to tell him on the phone, I can’t remember if we had cell phones at this point. We drove out to Auto Body Workshop where Jerame worked. I unloaded both kids and carrying Emma walked into the shop with a huge smile. One of Jerame’s co-workers saw us walk in and said hi and seeing my quick walk and huge smile asked if I was pregnant. I was actually a little pissed because I wanted to surprise Jerame and here this guy is guessing it already and yelling it out. I ignored him and kept walking toward Jerame who luckily hadn’t heard. I handed him the stick and asked how many lines he saw and he said, “Are you serious?” with a smile on his face. Aly was on her way!
My pregnancies are never easy. I have hyperemisis and for nine months I am throwing up. Nothing helps for long. I have to go in to get IVs regularly to keep me hydrated. I never gain a lot of weight and actually lose weight at the beginning. It’s never easy but once I can feel that little human moving inside of me it becomes worth it. My pregnancy with Aly was no different in that respect. But it was different in another.
At around 24 weeks of pregnancy women do a glucose screening test. This test is for gestational diabetes. When you go in your blood is drawn and then they hand you a syrupy carbonated drink that you have to drink all of and the. You wait an hour and then then your blood is drawn again. Well unfortunately for me I drank the drink in the time allotted and then about 10 minutes later I threw it up. This means I have to come back another time and try again. The next time the test went according to plan and so then I waited for the results. And of course . . . gestational diabetes. At first I was pissed. I was already sick enough now I had to figure out how to balance this too? But I did. I was able to control with diet and oral glyburide, no shots. I did have to test my blood several times a day though so there were still needles involved.
I was nervous to go into labor this time because both of my previous labors were so different that I had no idea what to expect. I remember my contractions starting and after a few hours we went into Kaiser on Morse Avenue in Sacramento. This hospital was the old hospital but it was where we had to go because of my gestational diabetes and it had a NICU in case the baby was born with complications from the diabetes such as the tendency for bigger babies and hypoglycemia for the baby after delivery. But it was also the hospital Jerame was born at so that was pretty cool. Well it turned out this labor was going to be like Lacey's; I was definitely having hard contractions but was only dilated to a 2 so they sent me home. We came in one more time and got sent home again. Finally the third time I was dilated to a four so I was able to stay. I will tell you that this hospital was nowhere near as nice as the one I had Lacey and Emma in. My dad waited in the waiting room with Emma. Jerame and my mom were with me. Lacey went back and forth between the waiting room and the labor room. I of course had an epidural like I had with the other two. This time though the anesthesiologist said she thought she may have nicked my spinal column and if she had then I would be getting spinal headaches. At this point I didn't understand what that meant nor did I care. I just wanted to have the baby.
In newer hospitals you labor and deliver in the same room. This hospital was so old that they move you from the labor room to the delivery room to deliver. Well all the delivery rooms were full so they took me to a surgical room when c-sections are performed. It was a big room. Jerame, my mom, Lacey and my friend Becky were all in the room when I gave birth to Alyson. My dad was in the waiting room with Emma. It went really smoothly once I started pushing. It only took me about 5 minutes to push her out, same as Emma. I held her for a minute and then they took her to clean her up and weigh her. She weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces. Not as big as Lacey's 9 pounds 4 ounces but bigger than Emma's 7 pounds 2 ounces. The one thing Jerame noticed right away and had to tell me was that she had my thumbs. Anyone that knows me knows I hate my thumbs! So I felt so bad for passing them on to her!
Shortly after Alyson was born I started getting the spinal headaches. At first I just thought I had a little bit of a headache and didn't think anything of it. So I went home the next day like I wanted. Emma, Lacey and Jerame came in while I waited to be discharged. Emma just wanted me home, she wasn't quite two. She didn't love Alyson right away that's for sure. But she looked at Aly's little face and said, "She can come too." Not much enthusiasm but she at least let me bring Aly home.
When I got home the headaches were much worse. I couldn't lift my head even an inch without feeling like it was going to explode. Felt a lot like the headache I just recently had with meningitis. Finally my mom and Jerame convinced me to go back to the hospital. The doctors had said if I started getting headaches I needed to go back to labor & delivery and have a blood patch done. A blood patch is when they insert the epidural needle again but then draw your blood and inject it into your spine to patch the whole made in the spinal column. Once that is done you have to lay flat and still for 30 minutes or an hour, I can't exactly remember. Well when I had Aly something weird was happening with my bladder. I was literally having to pee every half hour and not just a little it was always a lot. And I absolutely couldn't hold it. So of course once they injected the blood into my spine I had to pee. The nurse put a bed pan under me which of course made me not lay flat and made me move. Needless to say this blood patch was a failure. I had to go in a second time a couple days later and get this procedure done again. This time it worked and my headaches were gone.
Aly will be 13 in 6 days. She has grown into a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her. She's the one that always has to make everyone laugh. She can't stand tension so if she's uncomfortable she will just leave the room. This divorce has been tough on her but she seems to be the kid in the family that is handling it best.
I sure wasn’t waiting until Jerame got home to tell him and I didn’t want to tell him on the phone, I can’t remember if we had cell phones at this point. We drove out to Auto Body Workshop where Jerame worked. I unloaded both kids and carrying Emma walked into the shop with a huge smile. One of Jerame’s co-workers saw us walk in and said hi and seeing my quick walk and huge smile asked if I was pregnant. I was actually a little pissed because I wanted to surprise Jerame and here this guy is guessing it already and yelling it out. I ignored him and kept walking toward Jerame who luckily hadn’t heard. I handed him the stick and asked how many lines he saw and he said, “Are you serious?” with a smile on his face. Aly was on her way!
My pregnancies are never easy. I have hyperemisis and for nine months I am throwing up. Nothing helps for long. I have to go in to get IVs regularly to keep me hydrated. I never gain a lot of weight and actually lose weight at the beginning. It’s never easy but once I can feel that little human moving inside of me it becomes worth it. My pregnancy with Aly was no different in that respect. But it was different in another.
At around 24 weeks of pregnancy women do a glucose screening test. This test is for gestational diabetes. When you go in your blood is drawn and then they hand you a syrupy carbonated drink that you have to drink all of and the. You wait an hour and then then your blood is drawn again. Well unfortunately for me I drank the drink in the time allotted and then about 10 minutes later I threw it up. This means I have to come back another time and try again. The next time the test went according to plan and so then I waited for the results. And of course . . . gestational diabetes. At first I was pissed. I was already sick enough now I had to figure out how to balance this too? But I did. I was able to control with diet and oral glyburide, no shots. I did have to test my blood several times a day though so there were still needles involved.
I was nervous to go into labor this time because both of my previous labors were so different that I had no idea what to expect. I remember my contractions starting and after a few hours we went into Kaiser on Morse Avenue in Sacramento. This hospital was the old hospital but it was where we had to go because of my gestational diabetes and it had a NICU in case the baby was born with complications from the diabetes such as the tendency for bigger babies and hypoglycemia for the baby after delivery. But it was also the hospital Jerame was born at so that was pretty cool. Well it turned out this labor was going to be like Lacey's; I was definitely having hard contractions but was only dilated to a 2 so they sent me home. We came in one more time and got sent home again. Finally the third time I was dilated to a four so I was able to stay. I will tell you that this hospital was nowhere near as nice as the one I had Lacey and Emma in. My dad waited in the waiting room with Emma. Jerame and my mom were with me. Lacey went back and forth between the waiting room and the labor room. I of course had an epidural like I had with the other two. This time though the anesthesiologist said she thought she may have nicked my spinal column and if she had then I would be getting spinal headaches. At this point I didn't understand what that meant nor did I care. I just wanted to have the baby.
In newer hospitals you labor and deliver in the same room. This hospital was so old that they move you from the labor room to the delivery room to deliver. Well all the delivery rooms were full so they took me to a surgical room when c-sections are performed. It was a big room. Jerame, my mom, Lacey and my friend Becky were all in the room when I gave birth to Alyson. My dad was in the waiting room with Emma. It went really smoothly once I started pushing. It only took me about 5 minutes to push her out, same as Emma. I held her for a minute and then they took her to clean her up and weigh her. She weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces. Not as big as Lacey's 9 pounds 4 ounces but bigger than Emma's 7 pounds 2 ounces. The one thing Jerame noticed right away and had to tell me was that she had my thumbs. Anyone that knows me knows I hate my thumbs! So I felt so bad for passing them on to her!
Shortly after Alyson was born I started getting the spinal headaches. At first I just thought I had a little bit of a headache and didn't think anything of it. So I went home the next day like I wanted. Emma, Lacey and Jerame came in while I waited to be discharged. Emma just wanted me home, she wasn't quite two. She didn't love Alyson right away that's for sure. But she looked at Aly's little face and said, "She can come too." Not much enthusiasm but she at least let me bring Aly home.
When I got home the headaches were much worse. I couldn't lift my head even an inch without feeling like it was going to explode. Felt a lot like the headache I just recently had with meningitis. Finally my mom and Jerame convinced me to go back to the hospital. The doctors had said if I started getting headaches I needed to go back to labor & delivery and have a blood patch done. A blood patch is when they insert the epidural needle again but then draw your blood and inject it into your spine to patch the whole made in the spinal column. Once that is done you have to lay flat and still for 30 minutes or an hour, I can't exactly remember. Well when I had Aly something weird was happening with my bladder. I was literally having to pee every half hour and not just a little it was always a lot. And I absolutely couldn't hold it. So of course once they injected the blood into my spine I had to pee. The nurse put a bed pan under me which of course made me not lay flat and made me move. Needless to say this blood patch was a failure. I had to go in a second time a couple days later and get this procedure done again. This time it worked and my headaches were gone.
Aly will be 13 in 6 days. She has grown into a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her. She's the one that always has to make everyone laugh. She can't stand tension so if she's uncomfortable she will just leave the room. This divorce has been tough on her but she seems to be the kid in the family that is handling it best.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Meningitis
So this week has been a pretty crappy one. I have been in the hospital for 3 days but I am getting out today! Yay!
Saturday I went to Logan, Utah for a volleyball tournament for Emma. The girls played great, by the way, and Emma is looking so good out there! Anyway at the beginning of the day my legs just started hurting. A weird hurt. Something I had never experienced before. I took some ibuprofen and the pain went a away for a couple hours. Well when it came back it was a doosy! Not only did my legs hurt but my head felt like it was going to explode. And when I would walk my back hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. Is this a migraine? Took more ibuprofen....didn’t even take the edge off.
After the tournament I drove myself home (Emma was with Jerame). When I got home I went straight to bed at around 7:30 I think. I kept getting texts from Emma about different things and I finally told her I feel awful and would have to wait to answer her anymore. I couldn’t even lift my head off the bed. The TV light was killing me so I turned it off.
My go to for help for the last 23 years has always been Jerame. When I would get food stuck in my esophagus he took me to the ER to get it removed. When I had babies, even Sophie, he was always there. So naturally I texted him telling him I think something is wrong and I need to go to the ER and would he take me. Yes I have friends. Yes I could have probably called them. But they weren’t who came to mind first. Out of habit? Out of hope that he still at least cared about my health? Probably both. He didn’t respond. I sent a few texts and realized he didn’t care and wouldn’t respond. So I went to sleep instead. I woke up several times in pain. Finally at 8:00 my alarm went off to get up for church. I was still in the most horrible pain I had ever been in. I knew church wasn’t happening. So I got myself up and dressed and headed into Urgent Care knowing full well it wasn’t worth asking Jerame for help. Honestly guys I don’t know who he is anymore. This is the man that would probably drop everything to help anyone else. But not me.
I got to Urgent Care and realized there were a lot of people waiting. I figured if this is just a migraine I would at least get drugs at the ER so I decided to go there. By this time I can’t twist my back at all and I physically can’t look down. If I even tried a pain would shoot from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. I got to the ER, gave them my symptoms, and got taken straight back.
The doctor came in and said I didn’t have a fever so he didn’t think it was meningitis but he wanted to draw some blood first. They gave me drugs. I was excited to have something for the pain. It lasted about . . . FIVE MINUTES. The pain was back full force! Well the blood test results came back and something was elevated in my blood (not white blood cells though) and I can’t remember what. So the doctor says that points to some sort of virus or infection so he wanted to do a spinal tap and rule out meningitis. As he did the spinal tap he said the fluid was very clear and again said that makes him think it isn’t meningitis. An hour later he came back and said well it’s meningitis so you are getting admitted right now. Seriously? What could possibly happen next right?! The last four months have been bad enough but sure... let’s add this too!
I had texted Jerame earlier while at the ER telling him they had given me drugs I couldn’t drive with and would he bring Emma to drive me home. His answer was “I guess”. I responded telling him I didn’t want to be a burden and he replied that I am a burden to him but not Emma. He said we aren’t friends and I should quit expecting him to be my friend. So that didn’t hurt at all. Anyway I texted him that I was getting admitted so I didn’t need a ride.
I sent Emma a list of the few things I needed from home. Jerame took her late that night to get them and then brought her in to give them to me. Everyone has to wear surgical masks and rubber gloves when they come in my room. Emma did and brought me the stuff I needed. Aly wouldn’t put on a mask and come in. Jerame put on a mask and stood in the corner looking at me like he hoped this killed me. They made sure to tell me that they were in a hurry and could only stay a few minutes. They stayed for maybe 3 minutes and left.
Today is Wednesday. I have had a pretty bad illness and honestly I can’t even get my kids to text me. Emma came on Monday night and stayed for about 30 minutes talking to me. Jerame’s didn’t even peek in the door and ask how I was doing. Just say in the hallway. My awesome friend Jolene came Monday night also to keep me company for a couple hours. Tuesday night Emma came for a few minutes and Jerame didn’t even come upstairs. He sat in his truck. It’s definitelt been 95% lonely in here. Yesterday my awesome parents came all the way for Fallon and sat with me for hours last night.
I would like to now tell you a story about when Jerame broke his femur. I had moved out of the house and we were going through a divorce. I was seeing someone else. I got the call from Jerame saying he was being taken to the hospital because he hurt himself riding his dirt bike. I drove up to Idaho Falls and stayed with him the whole night. Waited while he was in surgery and even slept in his hospital bed with him like he wanted. When he was released I brought him to my rental house and he stayed there for about a week while I took care of him and helped him shower. Same situation but reversed. I guess I expected a little bit of this from him this week.
Well when I go home I’m not quite done. I have a PICC line in so I can give myself the IV medication three times a day for the next three weeks. I don’t expect any help except my parents while they are here. But when they leave I guarantee I will be on my own. My kids don’t seem to care. My husband obviously doesn’t care. I have friends that I’m sure will help if needed so thank goodness for them. It hurts to have such a bad illness and basically be alone. Thank heavens for parents that care!
Saturday I went to Logan, Utah for a volleyball tournament for Emma. The girls played great, by the way, and Emma is looking so good out there! Anyway at the beginning of the day my legs just started hurting. A weird hurt. Something I had never experienced before. I took some ibuprofen and the pain went a away for a couple hours. Well when it came back it was a doosy! Not only did my legs hurt but my head felt like it was going to explode. And when I would walk my back hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. Is this a migraine? Took more ibuprofen....didn’t even take the edge off.
After the tournament I drove myself home (Emma was with Jerame). When I got home I went straight to bed at around 7:30 I think. I kept getting texts from Emma about different things and I finally told her I feel awful and would have to wait to answer her anymore. I couldn’t even lift my head off the bed. The TV light was killing me so I turned it off.
My go to for help for the last 23 years has always been Jerame. When I would get food stuck in my esophagus he took me to the ER to get it removed. When I had babies, even Sophie, he was always there. So naturally I texted him telling him I think something is wrong and I need to go to the ER and would he take me. Yes I have friends. Yes I could have probably called them. But they weren’t who came to mind first. Out of habit? Out of hope that he still at least cared about my health? Probably both. He didn’t respond. I sent a few texts and realized he didn’t care and wouldn’t respond. So I went to sleep instead. I woke up several times in pain. Finally at 8:00 my alarm went off to get up for church. I was still in the most horrible pain I had ever been in. I knew church wasn’t happening. So I got myself up and dressed and headed into Urgent Care knowing full well it wasn’t worth asking Jerame for help. Honestly guys I don’t know who he is anymore. This is the man that would probably drop everything to help anyone else. But not me.
I got to Urgent Care and realized there were a lot of people waiting. I figured if this is just a migraine I would at least get drugs at the ER so I decided to go there. By this time I can’t twist my back at all and I physically can’t look down. If I even tried a pain would shoot from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. I got to the ER, gave them my symptoms, and got taken straight back.
The doctor came in and said I didn’t have a fever so he didn’t think it was meningitis but he wanted to draw some blood first. They gave me drugs. I was excited to have something for the pain. It lasted about . . . FIVE MINUTES. The pain was back full force! Well the blood test results came back and something was elevated in my blood (not white blood cells though) and I can’t remember what. So the doctor says that points to some sort of virus or infection so he wanted to do a spinal tap and rule out meningitis. As he did the spinal tap he said the fluid was very clear and again said that makes him think it isn’t meningitis. An hour later he came back and said well it’s meningitis so you are getting admitted right now. Seriously? What could possibly happen next right?! The last four months have been bad enough but sure... let’s add this too!
I had texted Jerame earlier while at the ER telling him they had given me drugs I couldn’t drive with and would he bring Emma to drive me home. His answer was “I guess”. I responded telling him I didn’t want to be a burden and he replied that I am a burden to him but not Emma. He said we aren’t friends and I should quit expecting him to be my friend. So that didn’t hurt at all. Anyway I texted him that I was getting admitted so I didn’t need a ride.
I sent Emma a list of the few things I needed from home. Jerame took her late that night to get them and then brought her in to give them to me. Everyone has to wear surgical masks and rubber gloves when they come in my room. Emma did and brought me the stuff I needed. Aly wouldn’t put on a mask and come in. Jerame put on a mask and stood in the corner looking at me like he hoped this killed me. They made sure to tell me that they were in a hurry and could only stay a few minutes. They stayed for maybe 3 minutes and left.
Today is Wednesday. I have had a pretty bad illness and honestly I can’t even get my kids to text me. Emma came on Monday night and stayed for about 30 minutes talking to me. Jerame’s didn’t even peek in the door and ask how I was doing. Just say in the hallway. My awesome friend Jolene came Monday night also to keep me company for a couple hours. Tuesday night Emma came for a few minutes and Jerame didn’t even come upstairs. He sat in his truck. It’s definitelt been 95% lonely in here. Yesterday my awesome parents came all the way for Fallon and sat with me for hours last night.
I would like to now tell you a story about when Jerame broke his femur. I had moved out of the house and we were going through a divorce. I was seeing someone else. I got the call from Jerame saying he was being taken to the hospital because he hurt himself riding his dirt bike. I drove up to Idaho Falls and stayed with him the whole night. Waited while he was in surgery and even slept in his hospital bed with him like he wanted. When he was released I brought him to my rental house and he stayed there for about a week while I took care of him and helped him shower. Same situation but reversed. I guess I expected a little bit of this from him this week.
Well when I go home I’m not quite done. I have a PICC line in so I can give myself the IV medication three times a day for the next three weeks. I don’t expect any help except my parents while they are here. But when they leave I guarantee I will be on my own. My kids don’t seem to care. My husband obviously doesn’t care. I have friends that I’m sure will help if needed so thank goodness for them. It hurts to have such a bad illness and basically be alone. Thank heavens for parents that care!
Monday, February 25, 2019
Emma
After we had Lacey I knew I wanted more kids. It just wasn’t happening. It took us 5 years and fertility to get Emma. She was very wanted and she knows that. Honestly I think Jerame would have been happy stopping at one kid. He was such a good dad to Lacey. Always involved. Not quite as much with the other two. I’m not saying he wasn’t still a good dad but he wasn’t as involved with them.
Well I wanted another baby. Jerame was kind of supportive and we went to fertility doctors to have tests and check things out. Jerame was always the man that put his job first. So getting him to go get tests done was sometimes a fight. He had the easy tests. Mine were much more intrusive. We found out that he has so many swimmers he could knock up several women in one shot. Me on the other hand, not so good. My sisters have polycystic ovarian disease and had both been diagnosed by that time. Well turns out I have it too. Just not a severe as both of them. So Clomid was prescribed and I started my fertility experience. Six months of timing sex made it a lot less fun. It was a business instead of intimacy. Six months of periods and crying. Six months of devastation. The seventh month the doctors decided to try something more aggressive. We went to a class for Jerame to learn to give me injections in my butt. I hate needles so I wasn’t thrilled with this but I wanted a baby so bad. This drug was a lot more expensive than the Clomid so we knew we could only do this for one month. This time we didn’t have to time sex because we would be doing artificial insemination on a scheduled date and time. So we did the shots and when the time came I put Jerame’s specimen between my legs to keep it warm and drove to the clinic. He didn’t come with me. We like to joke that I got pregnant in a different zip code by a woman. The doctor took the specimen from me when I got there and did whatever they do with it to get it ready. I laid on one of those fun beds women get to use. Then the doctor came in and inserted the tube into my cervix and that was that. We waited. My period didn’t come but I was never really regular anyway so that wasn’t a definite answer. We decided to buy a test. I went into the bathroom while Jerame and Lacey waited outside. I couldn’t believe it . . . two lines. TWO LINES! I started screaming. Jerame and Lacey both ran to the bathroom door and were banging on it for me to let them in. Jerame thought the scream meant negative until I showed him the test
With Lacey I knew she was girl from the beginning. With this pregnancy I felt like it was boy and girl. It was confusing so I assumed I must just not be in tune this time. At 8 weeks of pregnancy because we had been doing fertility I went back into the clinic for our first ultrasound which would decide if they would release us to a regular OB. This was an internal ultrasound again since the baby would be so little still but I was ready for it this time. Two babies, two heartbeats. Twins! Jerame and I weren’t exactly sure how to react. We had just wanted one but now two? We were a little stunned at first. The doctor said she was a little worried about one of them because it was quite a bit smaller than the other. But two heartbeats so she said it was a viable twin pregnancy.
On the way home that day it sank in. Twins. Jerame and my song was One Boy, One Girl by Collin Raye. At the end of that song the couple has twins. So we started getting excited. We called both sets of parents on the ride home to tell them the news. We were scheduled to go to my regular OB at12 weeks in which we would get another ultrasound. I researched ways twins need to sleep and cribs for that purpose. We were getting so excited!
Excited to see our babies again, we went in at 12 weeks for the ultrasound. That was a long ultrasound. The tech kept saying she wanted to get both babies in the same picture but could only get one at a time. Finally after about 15 minutes of trying she went and got the doctor. The doctor came in and within a minute told us one of the twins was gone. Vanishing twin he said. As much as we weren’t expecting twins it was still pretty crappy. It was a silent walk to the car. A silent drive home. I cried. Jerame was upset. Lacey was confused. But then I was only feeling girl. It was a girl. About a week before that ultrasound I had told Jerame I wasn’t feeling the boy anymore. This confirmed it. At 20 weeks we had the ultrasound and sure enough it was Emma.
Her labor was much easier than Lacey’s and she was quite a bit smaller. Lacey had been 9 pounds 4 ounces and Emma was 7 pounds 2 ounces. Lacey’s labor lasted days. Emma’s was six hours start to finish. My water broke right as Jerame was getting g ready for work so luckily he was home. My friend Laura went along to watch Lacey at the hospital while I was in labor. We had done some research on when it’s ok to have a child in the delivery room to watch the birth of a sibling and had made preparations in case she didn’t want to stay in the room. Lacey was sitting on a couch in my birthing room. They had taken the bottom part off the bed so I could give birth and set it up against the couch Lacey was on. She was five. Jerame had told her once the baby comes out to look away because it gets really gross. So Laura stood next to Lacey while I pushed. Lacey was hiding behind the part of the bed that was leaning against the couch on the opposite side of the room. There was a nurse in there that grabbed our cameras and started taking pictures of the birth! Eeeewww! So needless to say I have some pretty disgusting pictures of Emma’s birth. She also pulled a mirror up so I could watch which was not something I had wanted and trying to push with your eyes open isn’t easy! She kept telling me to look. As Emma’s head came out Jerame told Lacey, “There’s your sister.” Lacey peeked her head up to see and yelled, “that’s my sister!” Then her head was right back down behind the bed. That was enough for her.
Emma had no medical problems in the hospital the way Lacey had. Easy from start to finish. And she’s kind of always been that way. Easy kid. She’s always been our most sensitive kid. When Aly was born two years after Emma, Emma started talking to herself. When I asked her who she was talking to she would always say, “my boy.” I asked her once where she met her boy and she said in Mommy’s tummy. She was 2. He stuck around for a while but was gone by the time she was four. I think she needed him. She didn’t get to be the baby quite as long as Lacey so I felt guilty. I tried to include her but with a new baby sometimes you don’t get everything you need. So that’s where her boy came in. Until Aly was old enough to be her friend.
Emma is struggling with this divorce. She isn’t sure how to feel or who to be mad at. Neither Jerame or I have been the best at keeping our kids out of things. The last couple weeks it has been my goal to focus on being a mom. I focus on my relationships with my kids. I can’t control what he says and does but I can control my reactions. And my kids need me to. Especially Emma. So as I have said before I have started putting my focus where it is productive. It is not productive to focus any of my energy on my husband or marriage anymore. I am focusing on my kids, my church, and my church calling. Those are things I can control and that’s where my focus is going.
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